


Always Eat the Cake When it's Handed to You

by goodoldfashioned



Category: RedLetterMedia RPF
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Accidental Cuddling, Accidental Relationship, Aftercare, Angst, Boss/Employee Relationship, Collars, Couples Counseling, Dark Comedy, Denial of Feelings, Dom/sub, Hand Feeding, M/M, Medical Kink, Obedience, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Porn With Plot, Praise Kink, Rich is Their Sex Therapist, Sensory Deprivation, Spanking, Subspace, Workplace Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:13:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 138,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23156869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodoldfashioned/pseuds/goodoldfashioned
Summary: Mike tries pushing Jay's buttons. It works a little too well.
Relationships: Mike/Jay
Comments: 138
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In a moment of (extra) indulgence I thought: what if I went full woobie on Jay and also Mike made him go to therapy. And what if the therapist was Rich. WHAT THEN
> 
> So this is like 50% utter filth and 50% emotional angst and trope-y comfort/recovery, and is about the characters from Half in the Baaaag and their world only. This is a very VCR repair shop-heavy fic!!
> 
> Warning note: There's some unhappy childhood backstory stuff in this, which involves divorce and feeling neglected, and nothing worse than that. All backstory is made up for fanfiction character angst and not based on anything in reality.
> 
> When I'm anxious I write fanfic and it's been a very anxious-making time, so here's the longest thing I'll probably ever write (?? but really who can say) for this fandom. I loved writing this and would love to talk about it if anyone feels like commenting as they read along, I have lots more to say, believe it or not. So excited to finally post this, please enjoy!! 
> 
> **

It started when they were drinking, like everything that got Mike into trouble. Jay had overdone it and was getting sloppy, giggling and loose-lipped. Mike held back until he was sure that Jay’s guard was as far down as it would ever get, then leaned in closer. Jay smiled at him like a trusting dope.

“What are you like in bed?” Mike asked, as if this was a normal question between friends who were also co-workers and sometimes-accomplices in crime. 

“Bed?” Jay said, still giving Mike that trusting smile. “Like, for sex?”

“Yes, Jay, for sex. How does that generally go, with you, I wonder.”

“Why’re you wondering about that, Mike?”

“Doesn’t everybody wonder what little sex perverts like you get up to when they think nobody’s looking?”

That brought a frown onto Jay’s face and some color onto his cheeks. He fidgeted in his seat and turned his half-empty pint glass on the table they were sharing at the back of their favorite bar, sitting close and getting hammered together after work as usual. 

“Answer me,” Mike said, giving Jay the unblinking stare that he’d noticed Jay squirming under before.

“I-- I dunno.” 

“You do know, Jay. Spill it.” 

“I guess-- I like-- You know. Um.” He leaned in closer, giving Mike a look of pathetic surrender and chewing his lip. “Being good,” he said, whispery and ashamed, and his cheeks went from pinkish to flaming in a blink.

“Good, huh,” Mike said, pretending to be unimpressed. He kept his expression stoic even while his cock started to fill in his jeans. “What’s that mean.”

“Just, like, nnh. You know. For the person I’m with, uh. The other person, telling me to do things. I like being good for them, and. Yeah.”

Jay gulped down the rest of his beer, avoiding Mike’s persisting stare. Mike gave him a tiny smile when he dared to meet Mike’s eyes again. 

“That’s dangerous, isn’t it,” Mike said, hating everyone who’d ever been with Jay anew. “Letting someone see you like that. Letting them get you all fucked up on needing to please them. Hmm?”

“I-- Yeah, I--” 

“But that’s part of what you like, I bet. Letting someone see you act like their obedient little slut.”

Jay moaned and covered his hand with his mouth, eyes going wide.

“Stop,” he whispered, and Mike shrugged, looked away, drank from his beer. 

That was enough for one night, anyway. Mike had what he needed from this conversation.

*

Jay was cagey at work the next day, and Mike pinned his irritable mood down to a combination of the hangover he was surely suffering from and the fact that he could probably remember saying something fucked up to Mike the night before but not what that thing was, exactly. Whenever their eyes met, Mike gave Jay a knowing smirk and enjoyed the resulting nose twitch and flush that spread outward across Jay’s cheeks. 

Oh, you’re so fucked, Mike thought fondly, staring at Jay without shame. He could see that Jay knew it, too, and that he didn’t know why yet. 

Mike waited until Jay was distracted by some magazine that he was paging through, the quiet hum of the shop at midday having lulled him into a renewed sense of security. Mike was at the computer, pretending to be updating their website while he clicked around aimlessly on various social media sites and waited for his chance. When he saw it, he moved swiftly, knocking an empty beer bottle from the front counter to the floor, where it shattered.

“Oh, fuck!” Mike said, glowering down at the wreckage. Jay glanced up from his magazine, neither surprised nor interested. “Jay, goddammit. Clean that up for me.”

“What-- Me?” Jay frowned when Mike gave him an angry, demanding look. “Why should I do it? You’re the one who--”

“Quit whining and do as you’re told! I hurt my back yesterday on that Sony repair job. I can’t bend down and sweep up glass right now. You’re my underling anyway, so don’t question me. Hop to it.”

Jay sighed and rolled his eyes. He also put the magazine down and got up to do as Mike asked.

Mike’s foot bounced on the lowest rung of his chair as he listened to Jay gathering supplies in the back room. Jay reappeared with a broom and dustpan and gave Mike a dirty look.

“Don’t you fucking look at me like that,” Mike snapped, loving it. “Ingrate. I’m over here with back pain and you’re glowering at me over a simple clean-up job, jesus christ. Show some respect, Jay. Be good for me.”

Jay paused in mid-motion when he heard that, half lowered down to the floor where the broken bottle pieces were. He glanced up at Mike, lips parted. 

The stunned, helpless look on Jay’s face was enough to make Mike’s cock pulse. Fuck, he was going to enjoy this. He wanted to rush head first into it, and reminded himself to take it slow. 

“Go on,” Mike said, arms crossed over his chest. He nodded to the floor, wordlessly telling Jay to unfreeze and get on his knees. “There you go,” Mike said when Jay dropped to the floor and moved the dustpan toward the broken glass. His hand was shaking a little as he used the broom to sweep it in. “Good,” Mike said, pitching his voice low and soft, watching Jay obey him. “That’s right, Jay. Make sure you get it all. Take your time. That’s good, like that. Good, Jay.”

Jay made a noise under his breath and tried to conceal it in a fake cough, his little shoulders jumping. He kept his head lowered and kept sweeping at the floor even after all the glass was in the dustpan, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to stop until Mike said so.

Mike let this go on for a while, grinning.

“Okay, I think you got it all,” he said: gently, with a mocking lilt of praise. 

Jay looked up at Mike, no longer sweeping but still on his knees. Mike almost fell out of his chair. He could readily accept that Jay was a suggestable little slut who needed a firm hand, but he’d never imagined it would be this easy. Jay’s pupils were fat. He was breathing in hard little huffs through his nose, his lips pressed together. 

Mike grinned when he realized why Jay wasn’t standing. It wasn’t because he was already mindless for Mike’s next command. It was because he’d gotten hard for the first one, and the way he was kneeling allowed the bottom of his work shirt to cover his crotch. Mike had the tail of his shirt pulled over his own half-chub, which was comfortably concealed as he remained in his chair.

“I think I hurt my knee,” Jay said, the heat coming back onto his face as he stared up at Mike. 

“Oh? Shit, sorry. Need a hand?”

“A-- What?”

“Do you need me to help you stand up, Jay.”

“No, I’m-- Fine, never mind.” Jay was mumbling and getting up, turning away from Mike as he did. He went for the back room in an awkward gait, faking a limp to hide his boner. 

“You sure?” Mike called, beaming. Why had he waited so long to try this? 

“I’m fine!” Jay said again, angrily. Mike heard him banging around back there, then heard the bathroom door close. After less than a minute, Jay reemerged. Mike was pretty sure he hadn’t beat off. He’d probably just splashed cold water on his dick or something. 

“Your knee’s okay?” Mike asked when Jay got back into his chair without wincing. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Okay. Good. Thanks, Jay.”

“Mhm,” Jay said, arms folded over his lap and eyes averted. “You’re welcome,” he added, muttering this from the corner of his mouth.

Mike considered pushing it, then decided to make Jay wait. He turned back for the computer and whistled happily, punching random keys in an imitation of doing work.

*

Mike was no stranger to beating off to thoughts of Jay. One look at that cock-sucking mouth of Jay’s on the day they’d met had added him to Mike’s regular rotation of fantasies. For years he thought it could never happen in reality. Then he started to notice the caliber of people Jay fucked around with, even after he got hot. They were losers, mostly. Jay still undersold himself in his own estimation, hardened into insecurity by thirty-some years of looking and feeling awkward. He also never seemed to sleep with anyone for more than a few months before getting rid of them, which meant he wasn’t being satisfied. Mike took note and let his imagination run wild, until finally he decided that there was no reason to leave this thing in the realm of fantasy. 

Now he had plans. Big fucking plans. He stroked himself off three, four times a day while he formulated and fine-tuned them, thinking about how Jay was going to break so sweet when Mike pushed him right up against his edge, then over it. Mike didn’t just crave Jay’s submission. He wanted Jay crying, begging, hiccuping sobs while rubbing his burning face on Mike’s cock, calling him _sir_ and shivering with humiliated pleasure every time Mike praised him for being so good.

Getting there would take some work, but the journey would be its own reward. 

In the week following Mike’s broken beer bottle experiment, he kept his eyes out for his next opportunity. When it came, late on a Wednesday afternoon at the shop, Mike had to bite his hand to keep from laughing in delight.

“Jay!” he shouted, when he’d regained his composure. Mike was in the back room going over some work logs, Jay out front at the counter. “Get back here!”

“What?” Jay said. He poked his head into the back room like Mike’s furious tone had made him reluctant to get any closer. 

“Get the fuck over here and look at this.” Mike jammed his finger against the papers he had pinned to his clipboard. “These are the logs from yesterday’s shift, correct?”

Jay came over, frowning, and craned his neck to observe them when Mike held them out.

“Yeah,” Jay said, looking up at Mike with a shrug. “What about them?”

“What about them? Jay, what the fuck! Where’s that RCA unit we repaired? Huh? That was two hours of work and you didn’t even log it, you fuck! That’s money out of my pocket, thanks to your carelessness.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry!” Jay looked startled with he met Mike’s eyes, sincerely guilty. He hated making mistakes. “Give it to me, I’ll fix it--”

“No.” Mike held the clipboard out of reach when Jay tried to take it. “Obviously you can’t be trusted to handle the logbook. I’m gonna have to revise this myself, and go back over all the logs from the past two weeks to make sure you didn’t leave anything else off.” 

“I didn’t--” 

“Quiet! You’re officially on probation until you receive disciplinary action.” 

“Probation?” Jay sputtered, eyes wide. “What the fuck?”

“New company policy, Jay. Didn’t you read the email?”

“What email?”

“From corporate! We got it months ago. New rules and regulations.”

“I didn’t see any email, you’re always hogging the computer--”

“Your failure to keep up to date on protocol isn’t my problem, Jay. The policy states that you’re on probation until your disciplinary action is administered by your manager.”

“Probation meaning what?” 

“Meaning no paycheck.”

“Uhh, that’s bullshit. I’m not working for free!”

“Fine. As your manager, I can clear this up right now.”

Jay studied Mike’s face. His lips were slightly parted, the top one raised in a disbelieving sneer.

“Okay,” Jay said, slowly. “How are you gonna do that.”

“By administering disciplinary action as outlined in the new policy. Are you ready to receive it?”

“Ready to-- What? What action?”

“I’m not here to explain a policy that you should already be familiar with, you lazy ass. Are you ready to receive corrective measures, Jay? Are we going to have a problem here, or are you going to be good for me and show me that you’re sorry?”

Jay’s face changed when he heard the word _good_. He gaped at Mike like he’d been slapped, and like he wanted another. 

Which was pretty fucking perfect, considering what Mike was about to do to him.

Jay licked his lips and shrugged bashfully, nodding. 

“Okay,” he said, his hands fidgeting at his sides. “I’m, um. I’m ready, I guess. Sure.”

“Good,” Mike said, softening his tone as he pronounced that word for Jay, who gave Mike one heavy, grateful-looking blink in response. “Go out front,” Mike said, pointing. “And put your hands on the counter. Flat. Facing the front door.” 

Jay blinked a few times, then turned and went out to the front counter. He glanced back at Mike, who was looming in the doorway, watching him, his expression as serious and still as the grave. Jay let out his breath, dropped his gaze away from Mike’s and turned to show him his back. He put his hands flat on the counter as instructed, leaning forward slightly in a way that pressed his ass out a bit in Mike’s direction.

Jay’s shoulders were visibly tense. Mike’s dick was getting hard, his heart slamming. This was _working_!

“Good,” Mike said, softly. He heard Jay exhale through his nose as he walked closer. Mike stood right behind him, breathing a little hard himself for the sight of Jay’s back bent and his head lowered while he waited. “So, to educate you,” Mike said, keeping his voice steady and as bored-sounding as possible. “The new policy is that the employee on probation should be spanked on the ass until he expresses sincere contrition.”

“What?” Jay whirled to glare at Mike from over his shoulder.

Interestingly: he also left both his hands pressed to the counter.

“It’s a proven, effective method of correcting bad behavior, Jay,” Mike said. “But only if you take it bare-assed, they’ve found. So I’m gonna have to pull your pants down. Unless you’ve changed your mind about not needing to be paid. Or, you know. You could always walk out right now and quit.”

Mike swallowed after saying this, a spark of fear streaking through him. If Jay did that, Mike would force some laughter and pretend the whole thing was a joke. He wasn’t stupid enough to not have built a net under this highwire act. 

Jay was breathing in agitated little pants, his mouth hanging open like he wanted to protest that this wasn’t fair. He still had his hands on the counter.

“You were bad yesterday, Jay,” Mike said when he could see Jay’s mind was spinning as he tried to choose between the weird sex shit he was craving and not throwing a cannonball through his whole life. “A good employee would accept the consequences. Are you gonna let me fix this for you? Gonna be a good boy and take it?”

“Yes,” Jay said. He pinched his eyes shut and turned fully away from Mike again, lowering his head. The back of his neck and his ears were bright red. “Okay, fine, yes. I’ll-- Do it, okay?”

“Okay,” Mike said, in a soothing tone that was also a taunt. “Good. I’m gonna get you ready, just leave your hands pressed flat like that, that’s good.”

Mike leaned over Jay’s back and nudged Jay’s hips farther from the counter, to give him enough room to reach for the button on Jay’s jeans.

“Wait,” Jay breathed out. He was shaking, his fingertips twitching against the counter like he wanted to claw his hands into it. “What-- What if someone comes in?” 

“I’ll push you under the counter if we have a customer,” Mike said, giving Jay’s shivery sides a few reassuring pets. He wanted to bury his face in Jay’s fragrant hair and sink his teeth into the side of Jay’s neck. “How’s that?” he asked, still petting. “I’ll handle it, if someone comes in, don’t worry. I’ve got this under control, Jay. All you have to do is be good for me, got it?”

Jay swallowed with a click and closed his eyes for a moment, nodding. 

“You can put your elbows on the counter,” Mike said, murmuring this softly against the back of Jay’s ear. “That’ll make it easier.” 

“Yeah-- Okay.” Jay already sounded like he barely knew what was coming out of his mouth. He rested his elbows on the counter as suggested and ducked his head, expelling a choppy breath when Mike’s hands returned to the fly of his jeans.

Jay was hard. Mike could feel it without actually needing to brush his wrist over Jay’s erection. His jeans were extra tight as Mike unbuttoned and unzipped them, and he whimpered a little under his breath when Mike dragged them down over his straining erection, lowering them along with his black briefs and exposing Jay’s shivering ass to the harsh fluorescent lighting in the shop.

Fuck, Mike thought, staring. Jay’s skin was so pale. Mike was going to make it so red, just like the back of his blushing neck. 

“Spread your legs,” Mike said, kicking at Jay’s shoes to do it for him. “There you go,” he said when Jay had his legs spread as wide as his jeans would allow. They were still pulled up most of the way, snug under the curve of his cute little ass. “Good,” Mike said breathily, stroking his fingertips over one ass cheek, then the other. He pushed Jay’s shirt up in back a little and took a deep breath, readying himself for this. He was so fucking hard for it, already.

Jay was shaking and trying to hide his rapid breathing against the counter, his head lowered onto it. His hands had curled into fists. 

“Keep these flat for me,” Mike said, reaching over to touch Jay’s left hand and show him what he meant, straightening his shaky little fingers out against the countertop. Jay exhaled and did the same with his right hand. “Good,” Mike said, soft and close. He was still stroking Jay’s ass with his other hand, treating him with deceptive gentleness. “You’re doing good, Jay. I’m gonna start now, okay?”

“Mhm-- Yeah. Yes. Okay.”

“Remember, I have to do this until I believe you’re expressing sincere contrition.” 

Jay just nodded. His hands started to curl up again, but he caught himself and flattened them. 

Mike debated whether he should start out slow. He decided: nah, and smacked Jay’s ass as hard as he could.

“Holy shit!” Jay cried out, his head lifting off the counter, back arching. 

“Quiet,” Mike said, and he spanked Jay again, just as hard, in the same spot. 

This time Jay whimpered in response. He lowered his head and panted. His hands were still flat on the countertop, ass still pressed out for Mike’s attention. A red welt was already blooming where Mike had struck. Mike craned his neck back so he could see between Jay’s spread legs. He smirked when he saw Jay was even harder now, his cock red and pointed upward, balls pulled in tight. 

Mike spanked him three more times in quick succession. Jay moaned and bucked his hips, his dick not quite long enough to rub against the underside of the counter in the position he was in. He had a cute, chubby little dick and Mike wanted it in his mouth, but that would come later. 

“You’re doing well, Jay,” Mike said, settling his hand on the small of Jay’s back so he could feel his little shiver of pleasure at this praise. “You can take more, can’t you?”

“Yes,” Jay said, and Mike could hear that his mouth was wet. Jay’s hands flinched like he wanted to wipe the corner of his lips, but he flattened them again without moving. There would be a fucking puddle of drool left on the counter, jesus christ. “I can, yeah. You can keep going, um. Please?”

“You’re not supposed to be enjoying this,” Mike said, smacking Jay’s ass so hard that he fell against the front of the counter before steadying himself.

Jay moaned and arched his back a little more when he came up onto his elbows again, begging with his body after being chastised for doing it more directly.

“I’m really sorry, Mike,” Jay said, his voice wobbling. “S-sorry, for messing up, I’m sorry--”

“Mhmm, keep going.” Mike spanked him again, his dick throbbing when Jay hissed and flexed his back like the pain was getting to be too much in way that was too good. “Not sure if I believe your sincerity,” Mike said. 

Mike kept raining blows down onto Jay’s ass, which was so red, and hot to the touch when Mike paused to rub it with both hands, squeezing the tender, aching flesh until Jay whined and twitched against the counter. Mike grinned and smacked him again, again, over and over, listening to Jay’s pleading and promising that he was sorry get less and less coherent. 

“Muh, Mike, ah, I’m, suh, so, sorry, so sorry, so--”

“Shhh,” Mike said. He stopped the spanking and soothed his hands over Jay’s beet red ass, deciding Jay had had enough for their first adventure in this fucked up domain, and also that he couldn’t bear his own arousal any longer. He needed to come. So did Jay, by the looks of it. He was so hard that his cock had drooled out a few drops of precome that were shining on the shop’s dirty floor, but that wasn’t Mike’s problem. 

“Okay, Jay,” Mike said, still brushing his thumbs over Jay’s burning ass, tenderly but with enough pressure to make it hurt, in the overstimulated condition Jay was currently in. Jay was a fucking mess, collapsed against the counter with his arms spread wide, but his hands were still pressed flat, even as tremors moved down his spine and made his whole back shudder. “I believe you’re sorry,” Mike said, lifting one hand to stroke the small of Jay’s back while he cupped Jay’s ass in his other hand. Jay had gotten a little sweaty. He was breathing so hard. “You took that well,” Mike said, petting him. “Good job, Jay. Your probation is lifted. I’ll just, uh. Put the official seal of approval on you, now. Stay still for me, just like that. Good, just relax.” 

Jay flopped against the counter. His legs were shaking. Mike stepped back to gawk at Jay’s aching dick, which was so full it was near purple. Mike’s was similar, and he groaned with relief as he took himself out of his jeans and started stroking. It wouldn't take much. Precome had bubbled out from his slit, and he used it to slick the shaft a little as he jerked himself, staring down at Jay as he leaned over the counter, submitting.

“Good, Jay,” Mike said, his voice tightening up as he got close. “Yeah, that’s. Mhm, you did so well. Such a good boy for me, taking what I give you.”

“Mike,” Jay said, barely audible, his voice a bruised little thing and his eyes closed. His ass twitched back in a tiny lift of his hips, like he was begging for it.

Mike lost it then, groaning and coming all over Jay’s bright red, upturned ass.

“Fuck,” he ground out, watching with brainless approval as white streaks of his come laced over Jay’s burning red skin. “Yeah, _fuck_. Ah, Jay. So good, you’re so fucking good. Good boy.”

Jay moaned softly and lifted his hips again. But he wasn’t going to get what he was asking for.

Mike caught his breath and wiped his clean hand across his face. He looked up at the shop’s front door to make sure no customers were standing there in shock. He’d been so fucking into that, he might not have noticed the bell on the door. 

Nobody was there. Mike told Jay not to move and went to the back room to get a roll of paper towels. By the time he returned, his come had started to dry on Jay’s skin. He considered leaving it there when he made Jay dress and sit through the rest of their shift like this, but decided to grant him this one mercy. It was also nice to hear Jay whimper as Mike cleaned the come off his tender ass with a rough paper towel, admittedly. 

“All clean,” Mike said, though there was still some sticky residue. This would do for now. “Can you stand up for me?” he asked, reaching for Jay’s arms to help lift him off the counter and turn him around.

“I-- Ah--”

Jay was disoriented, blinking and red-faced, drool smeared on his cheek. Mike wiped it off with his thumb, keeping his own expression stoic. He kept his eyes on Jay’s face as he pulled Jay’s briefs and pants up over his burning ass, watching him hiss and wince at the contact. They both looked down to watch as Mike pulled the waistband of Jay’s briefs up over his blood red cock, tucking the poor, leaking thing in before zipping Jay’s jeans up over it, too. Jay was grimacing when Mike checked his face again, but he didn’t complain, just let Mike button him up and guide him back to his chair.

“Sit,” Mike said. 

Jay gave Mike a pathetic little look before doing as he asked. Mike had to swallow down a moan as he watched Jay’s face pinch up with the difficulty of sitting with his ass sore and flaming and his cock still rock hard inside his too-tight jeans. Jay gripped the sides of his chair and took a deep breath, letting his eyes fall shut. He locked his gaze on Mike’s when he opened his eyes again, exhaling slowly.

“Okay?” Mike said, eyebrows lifting.

Jay nodded like he was underwater, his pupils still fat in a way that made him look zombie-like.

Mike swallowed the excess moisture in his mouth, his cock twitching in his pants as he returned to his own seat. He glanced at Jay from the corner of his eye, checking on him. Jay seemed all right, if also suffering from desperately needing to come and being unable to sit comfortably after his spanking. He kept shifting a little in his seat, trying to find a spot that didn’t hurt, and wincing when he couldn’t. He was still hard, white-knuckling the seat of his chair as he tried to breathe through the agony of accepting that Mike wasn’t going to let him come. 

“You did really well,” Mike said, to soothe him.

Jay glanced over at Mike with meek gratitude. His cheeks had gone from a painful-looking red to deep pink, at least. Mike felt a pang of sympathy for him. This was only the beginning of what Mike was going to do to him. He reached over to stroke Jay’s cheek and Jay pushed into the touch, sighing happily as his eyes sank shut. 

Mike was soft with him for the rest of their shift. Jay didn’t say much, just slumped there and fidgeted in his seat, his cock finally going limp in his pants after twenty minutes or so. Mike periodically reached over to give Jay an approving rub on his arm or a fond little scratch on the back of his neck. Jay’s eyes fluttered half-closed every time, the corner of his mouth twitching up slightly. Like he was-- Happy? What a fucking weirdo. Mike made a fresh pot of coffee for him and brought some to him in his favorite mug. 

“Thank you,” Jay said, almost breathless again, though by then it had been an hour since Mike had spanked the living hell out of him and jizzed all over his ass. 

“Um,” Mike said, trying not to be overcome by that sweet, almost adoring look in Jay’s eyes. “You’re welcome.”

Jay smiled and drank from his coffee mug. After he’d finished half of it, he seemed more like himself and started talking again, babbling contentedly about some show he’d been watching on Shudder. Mike mostly grunted in response, which wasn’t unusual. He couldn’t stop looking over at Jay, observing him with irritable curiosity. The fact that Jay was okay after how Mike had treated him made it seem like Jay had won, though it wasn’t really a game. 

It annoyed Mike, even so. He went home after work instead of going out to the bar with Jay, and was barely through the door of his apartment when he pulled his cock out and jerked off angrily to the memory of what they’d done earlier, putting himself over the edge by imagining what he was going to try next.

*


	2. Chapter 2

Things Mike knew about Jay: he liked movies with extreme gore and violent degradation, enjoyed being shocked and disgusted, kept his apartment meticulously neat to a psychotic degree, was vain about his appearance when he was feeling confident and let himself look like shit when he wasn’t, shared Mike’s dislike of most people, and despite deep-seated trust issues that had him approaching forty without ever having been in a real relationship with another human being, he apparently loved being pushed around during sex and doing his partner’s bidding while being heaped with praise for acting like a sweet little slut. 

Mike also knew that Jay’s parents had divorced when he was in kindergarten and that they both went on to marry people who didn’t like Jay very much. He’d overheard his stepmother complaining that he was creepy at like eight years old and had told this story to Mike multiple times while drunk, trying to make it sound comical when obviously in his memory it really wasn’t, because she’d been talking to Jay’s father, who hadn’t defended him. All of Jay’s siblings were results of his parents’ second marriages, and they were preferred and coddled in ways that he wasn’t. Jay had grown up as the family babysitter and errand boy, and as the strange little buck-toothed shrimp among pretty girls with his stepmother’s smile and jock guys who towered over him because they had his stepfather’s tall, broad-chested build. He still showed up to help his brat siblings move or paint their apartments or whatever else. Mike had filed all of this information away with interest over the years, not really knowing why it might be important until recently. 

In the week that followed the spanking incident, Mike kept his distance from Jay except at strategic moments. He’d touch the small of Jay’s back while passing behind him at the counter at work, fake casual, suppressing an evil smirk when he heard Jay’s breath catch, then wouldn’t even look at him for the rest of their shift. At the bar after work, he’d touch Jay’s leg under the table just once, pretending not to notice how red-faced Jay got for the slightest brush of Mike’s hand, or the needy, pleading looks he’d give Mike afterward, chewing his lip and ducking his gaze away shyly when Mike gave him a long, humorless stare that told him to wait, be patient, calm down. 

Finally, Mike couldn’t wait any longer either. He readied his supplies in the back room before their shift and smiled with satisfaction when Jay showed up a few minutes late. He’d probably done it on purpose, to invite another spanking.

Mike had bigger plans.

“Sorry,” Jay said, flushed across his cheeks either from the cold outside or because he wanted Mike to put him over the counter and punish him until he felt like a good boy again. “I overslept a little.”

“No problem,” Mike said, fake cheerful. “It happens.”

Jay nodded to himself, looking disappointed. He hung up his coat and got his coffee. Mike yawned, ignoring him. What he had planned would come later, after they’d locked up for the day. No way was he going to risk a customer coming in or calling to interrupt his scheme. 

At quarter to five, Mike got himself a beer from the fridge in back and popped it open. He usually got one for Jay, too, and could see that Jay felt a little annoyed at Mike coming into the front room with only a beer for himself. Mike gulped from it, staring down over at the bottle at Jay’s uncertain expression.

“You busy after work today?” Mike asked. He was standing near Jay’s chair, looming over him.

“No,” Jay said. “Why?”

“Mhm, I was just reviewing that policy email earlier, the one with the new rules and regulations from Lightning Fast corporate, and I realized you’re overdue for your annual medical exam.”

“My-- Huh?” Jay just looked confused, then understanding flashed in his eyes. He shifted in his seat, his throat bobbing when he swallowed. “What, um. What exam?”

“Your medical exam, the one the company administers to make sure you’re healthy enough to work. They used to have doctors do it, I guess, but times are hard in the VCR repair world, and now the managers have to do it themselves.”

“Managers,” Jay repeated, staring up at Mike, who was his manager. 

“Yep,” Mike said, shrugging like this was just some annoying red tape, a responsibility. “So, since you’re free, let’s do yours now. We can do it in the back room. I’ll turn the space heater on for you.”

Jay blinked up at Mike. He glanced at the back room, then up at Mike’s face again.

“Okay,” Jay said, soft and still wary, looking a little scared about whatever Mike was about to do to him. “We can, uh. Sure.”

“Great. I’ll get the room ready, you finish up the shift out here.” 

Mike left Jay to sit and think about his fate and went to the back room, turned the old space heater on and spread some butcher paper across the little table where they ate their lunch on break. He laid out supplies: a thermometer, lube, disposable plastic gloves. He would have brought a stethoscope if he could have found a cheap one. If Jay thought this was just an excuse to fuck, he was about to find out how wrong he was. Mike was going all in on the medical exam scenario, to keep Jay at an arm’s length and keep him in line. 

Jay appeared in the back room doorway exactly at five o’clock, after locking the front door. Mike stood leaning against the room’s back cabinets, smiling with fake warmth to conceal his predatory plotting, his dick twitching in his pants just for the sight of Jay’s eyes flicking from the supplies laid out on the counter to the butcher paper on the table.

“C’mon on in and shut the door,” Mike said. “I got the room as warm as I could. Take your clothes off and hop on the table.” 

Jay froze, then hurried to obey when Mike’s expression darkened. He shut the door behind him and walked into the room, shrugging off his hooded sweatshirt. His hands shook a little as he unbuttoned his Lightning Fast work shirt. He had another layer on underneath, a thin white t-shirt, and his peaked little nipples poked up beneath when he slid the work shirt off. 

“How are you feeling these days, Jay?” Mike asked.

Jay gave him a look like: really? He was blushing, hesitating to expose his chest and those stiff nipples to Mike’s hungry eyes. 

“Uh,” Jay said. “In what sense?”

“Health-wise.” 

“Oh, um. Fine.”

“Everything’s working like it should be?”

Jay’s blush deepened considerably. He hated being reminded that he had a body, which Mike had always found hilarious, like Jay thought he should be above maintaining a pathetic corporeal form. 

“Yes,” Jay said, tightly. “Everything works.”

“Hmm, well, I’ll be the judge of that. Hurry up and get that shirt off. Pants, too.”

“It’s cold back here,” Jay muttered, but he tugged his t-shirt over his head with a sigh. 

Mike had to swallow down a moan. Jay was everything he liked best: pale with soft little barely-there tits, bright pink nipples and a dusting of dark blond hair that trailed down to his stomach and into his jeans, which he was unbuttoning. His dick looked fully soft in his briefs when he pushed his jeans down. Mike decided to do something about that. 

“Are you going to be good and let me do a thorough exam, Jay?” Mike asked, capturing Jay’s attention so that he looked up, his pants pushed down to his knees and his mouth hanging open. “I know this can be a little embarrassing, but I need you to cooperate and let me do my job.”

“I-- Will.” Jay swallowed and went back to pulling his pants off. 

“Socks, too,” Mike said. 

“The floor’s dirty back here,” Jay said, but he took his socks off and stood up straight when he was stripped down to his underwear, arms at his sides while he showed Mike his blazing face.

Mike grinned when he trailed his eyes down Jay’s shivery body and saw his little prick pushing against the front of his briefs. All it had taken was that magic word: good, be good for me.

“Take those off for me,” Mike said, nodding to Jay’s briefs. “And sit on the exam table.” 

Jay whined under his breath and brought his hands to the waistband of his underwear. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he shoved them down, like he could hide from Mike’s scrutiny by not looking back at him. 

“Hmm,” Mike said, giving Jay’s growing erection a clinical stare when it was exposed, twitching up toward his belly. “Are you excited by this, Jay?”

“I--” Jay stammered, searching Mike’s face as if the reply he was expecting might be written there. His hands were pressed tight against his thighs, shoulders lifted.

“When was the last time you were sexually active?” Mike asked, crossing his arms over his chest and letting his face reveal nothing while Jay stood there naked and shivering, his face on fire. 

“I don’t know,” Jay said, nose twitching. “Like. A month ago. Or two.”

“I see. And how often do you have sex with a partner?”

“Why are you asking this.”

“It’s part of the exam, Jay. Your sexual health is important. Go sit on the table. I’ll turn up the space heater.” 

Jay did as Mike asked, the butcher paper crinkling when he sat on it. His feet didn’t touch the floor, and he looked fucking edible sitting there waiting for Mike, his hands tense around the front edge of the table, shoulders curled forward. Mike pushed the space heater a little closer to the table.

“There we go,” he said, and he stood in front of the table, looking Jay over. “Good,” he said, so that Jay’s shoulders would relax a little. They did, on cue, and Jay exhaled, his thighs shifting apart on the table. His dick was fully hard, and the flush on his face was spreading down past his neck and onto his chest. “Well, you obviously take good care of yourself, Jay. You look nice and fit.” 

Jay’s posture improved for the praise, his shoulders going back in a way that opened his chest a bit. Mike smiled and stepped closer. When he reached out to cup Jay’s face gently in his hands, Jay pressed his lips together and met Mike’s eyes, then glanced away shyly.

“Hmm,” Mike said, turning Jay’s head slightly this way and that, like he was making some kind of medical evaluation. “Your skin looks healthy,” Mike said, sweeping his thumb over Jay’s hot cheek. “Looks like you’ve been taking good care of that, too.”

“Yes,” Jay said, breathing hard just for this. 

“That’s good, Jay. It’s very important. You’re good at taking care of yourself, aren’t you?”

Jay nodded slowly, staring up at Mike, looking fucking hypnotized. His pupils were huge. Mike took a moment to internally curse anyone who'd had this in the past, because god knew what they’d done with it, especially back when Jay looked like a schlub and had no self respect.

“Back to my question,” Mike said, tightening his grip on Jay’s jaw a little. “How often do you have sex?”

“I-- I don’t know, it depends.”

“Hmm. How many partners have you had in the past year?”

Jay’s nose twitched. “Like, two,” he said. 

“That’s pretty low for a single man your age. Do you have trouble with your sex drive?”

Jay breathed out through his nose, still giving Mike that angry stare. 

“I don’t have trouble,” he said. “I just, I. I’m selective.” 

Mike rolled his eyes, thinking of the last guy he’d seen Jay with. He was short and obnoxious, talked too much and had a loud, annoying voice. 

“Do you always use protection?” Mike asked, petting Jay’s beard with his thumb. 

“Yes,” Jay said. 

“You don’t like getting splashed with another man’s come, then?”

Jay’s eyes widened. 

“Don’t like letting them come inside you?” Mike continued, still stroking his beard. “Letting them make you feel all dirty and used?”

“I--” Jay swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t--”

“You look like you’re not sure, Jay. Hm. I’d better check out your little hole, then. Make sure it’s nice and clean like it should be.”

Jay gulped. He pressed his lips together and breathed out hard through his nose. 

“First, let’s check your heartbeat,” Mike said cheerily, bringing his hands down to Jay’s chest. “Put your shoulders back a little, let me see you. Good, thank you, that’s right.” 

Jay’s breath shuddered out of him while Mike’s hands roamed across his chest, pausing to pinch and pull gently at his hard nipples. Jay made a sound under his breath when Mike pulled less gently, stretching Jay’s nipples out until he flinched from the pain. 

“Mhm,” Mike said, putting his hands over Jay’s pecs and squeezing. They were softer than they’d been when he’d last seen Jay without his shirt, a few summers ago when they went to the lake together. “Very nice,” he said, rubbing his thumbs over Jay’s nipples while cupping his little tits. “You’re so responsive, Jay,” he said, glancing down and smirking when he saw precome beading in fat drops on the head of Jay’s untouched dick. “That’s good. Good boys like having their tits touched like this, don’t they?”

“They--” Jay tried to say, but it was lost in a pinched-off moan when Mike dug a fingernail into his left nipple, making it flush red. 

“Yes, they do,” Mike said, doing the same to the other nipple. Jay panted and closed his eyes, pressing into the pain. “Good boys wait so long to be touched that they get hard for it easily, like you. Even when it hurts. How’s that feel, Jay?” he asked, rubbing his thumbs in soft circles over Jay’s sore nipples. “Hmm? Does that feel good?”

“Yes,” Jay moaned out, his eyes still closed. “Fuck. Mike.” 

“Shh, don’t curse at me. I’m just giving you what you need, doing your exam. Are you ready to lie back and spread your legs for me?”

Jay’s eyes snapped open. He tilted his head back, panting up at Mike, showing him his teeth. Mike chewed his bottom lip and touched his thumb to the little gap between Jay’s front teeth. Jay startled and pulled back. 

“Are you going to keep being good for me?” Mike asked, rubbing his thumb over Jay’s bottom lip. “Gonna let me feel inside your tight little hole and make sure it’s good, too?”

“Yes,” Jay moaned, nodding. “Ah, here-- Sorry, I’ll--”

Jay scooted back onto the table, the butcher paper moving with him. He’d gotten a little sweaty, despite being naked in the chilly room. He reclined onto the table slowly, keeping his eyes on Mike’s face until his back was flat. They both looked down at his drooling cock when he bent his knees and lifted his legs up onto the table, curling his feet over the edge and scooting them apart a little wider, spreading for Mike. 

“Good,” Mike said, rock hard in his pants. He cleared his throat and moved over to the counter, grabbing the disposable gloves and the lube. He pulled the gloves on, snapping the ends against his wrists. He really wanted his bare fingers inside Jay, wanted to feel the clinging heat of him with nothing between them, but there would be time for that, too, later.

And, god, Mike thought, bracing his gloved hands on the counter with his back turned on Jay: also, eventually, soon, he’d put his bare cock inside Jay and pump a huge fucking load of come into him.

“Okay,” he said when he’d gathered himself, turning back to Jay, whose chest was heaving as he waited, nipples still hard and red, cock dribbling steadily. “First, a few questions,” Mike said, walking over to settle his gloved hands gently over Jay’s knees. He spread them apart just a bit wider, staring down at Jay with animal hunger raging inside him, suppressed for the time being. 

“Questions,” Jay repeated, his eyes going spinny. “Ah, okay--” 

“How often do you play with yourself here?” Mike asked, bringing one gloved fingertip down to just brush over Jay’s hole. 

Jay whimpered and closed his eyes, his shoulders twitching, cock jumping.

“Fuh, I, ah-- I don’t, don’t know. Like. Once a day, I guess. In the sh, shower.”

“Really,” Mike said, not sure if he was surprised it was that often or if he’d expected Jay to confess that he shoved something up there three times a day. “Do you push your fingers inside?” he asked, touching Jay there again, a bit more firmly. Jay’s breath got choppy, his eyelids fluttering. “Hmm?” Mike said, giving him a little more pressure. Jay felt tight, fucking tiny. 

“Yes,” Jay said, jaw clenched.

“What about other things? Do you use sex toys?”

“Mike--”

“Answer me, Jay. Be good.”

Jay’s eyes blinked open lazily. He’d spread his arms so he could grab the sides of the table, and was clearly struggling not to lift his hips to get more friction from Mike’s fingers where he wanted it.

“Ah,” Jay said, and he licked his lips. “I do, I have. One.”

“One what, Jay.” 

“This, like. Vibrating cock. It has a rechargeable battery,” he added, sweet and stupid for this. Mike had to bite his tongue hard to keep from laughing. 

“How big is it,” Mike asked, wondering what Jay would say and do when he saw Mike’s cock. He’d had Mike’s come on him already, but hadn’t been allowed to turn and look. 

“It’s, like, I dunno, seven inches? Eight?”

“And how thick, about? Show me, with your fingers.” 

Jay huffed and lifted his fingers in an o-shape, approximating the average cock-sized thickness of his sex toy. 

Mike smiled, pitying him. Mike’s cock was big, pushing ten inches and almost as thick as Jay’s wrist. He’d had people, mostly men, tell him he was nuts if he thought that was going inside them. He had a feeling Jay wouldn’t say the same.

“And you push that sex toy inside yourself and turn the vibrating function on?” Mike asked, still just teasing his dry, gloved fingertips around the rim of Jay’s twitching hole. 

“Nuh, no,” Jay said. 

“No?”

“Well, I-- I thought I’d like the vibrating thing, but I don’t, uh. Inside, it’s too weird. I use it, you know. Without turning it on, except--”

“Except what, Jay?”

“Well. The, uh. If I have the vibration on, I rub it on my cock, sometimes.”

Mike coughed into his fist to conceal a moan. 

“That feels good?” Mike said, bringing his fingertip down to the wet slit of Jay’s cock, which was continuing to push out precome while Mike toyed with him. “Here, hmm?” Mike said, rubbing Jay’s cockhead, just softly.

“Yes, fuck, yes-- _Unh_ , Mike--” 

“Do you need to come, Jay?”

“Yes,” Jay said, pinching his eyes shut, nodding. “Oh, fuck--”

“Shh, be still. Good, that’s better. Do you think I’m going to let you come during this medical exam?”

“I don’t know,” Jay’s head thrashed back and forth on the table, his eyes still closed. 

“Is that something a good employee would do? Coming all over himself because his manager’s just trying to do his job and make sure he’s healthy? I don’t think so, Jay.”

Jay made a sob-like noise and brought his hands up to his face. One slid upward, and Mike’s eyebrows went up when Jay gave his hair a little tug. He was getting brainless now, showing Mike his tells. 

“Just relax now,” Mike said, grabbing for the lube. He was going to come in his fucking pants if he kept this up much longer, and he’d rather unload in Jay’s mouth like he’d planned. The dental exam was still forthcoming. “I’m going to feel around inside you,” Mike said when Jay wrenched his eyes open to watch Mike spreading lube onto one gloved finger. “It will feel good, Jay. Your tight little hole needs it, I can tell. But do not come. Be good for me and just let me feel you.” 

Jay nodded, his eyes blown and wet at the corners. His cock was pressed to his belly, throbbing in sad little pulses while it continued to drool out a puddle of precome.

“Mhm,” Mike said, unintentionally, his eyes locked on Jay’s muggy gaze as he pressed one slicked finger inside, again regretting the gloves. Jay was so hot even through the latex, tight as a virgin and overcome already, panting and throwing his head back for just one of Mike’s thick fingers. “Good boy,” Mike said, keeping his voice low and watching Jay arch for it like a touch. “Good, Jay, yes. You’re so tight, that’s good. Taking me in so well, too, look at you. Let those legs fall open, that’s good. Just relax and take it, Jay.” 

Jay made a noise that was almost Mike’s name. His cock was a painful-looking shade of red, steadily dribbling, and when Mike grazed his prostate Jay did a full body jerk, his eyes shooting open and his shoulders coming up off the table.

“Hey, hey, relax,” Mike said, still pushing inside. He rubbed Jay’s belly with his other hand, dragging his gloved fingers through the little pool of precome there. “There you go,” he said when Jay lay back again, panting. “God, you’re so sensitive, yeah? Jay, I think you’ve been neglecting this part of your sexual health, if just this is winding you up so much. You need to tend to your little hole twice a day. That’s my medical recommendation. I’m gonna write it on your chart, mark that down for you. Jay is a good, healthy boy who needs to be fucked open nice and wide, twice a day. Preferably by a man’s big cock, if available.”

Jay groaned. He might have also laughed a little, but Mike forgave him. He wasn’t really sure what was coming out of his mouth anymore. He gave Jay a sharky grin when Jay managed to gather himself enough to meet Mike’s eyes.

“Please,” Jay said when Mike touched his prostate again. “Don’t, I’ll-- Ahh--”

“You won’t come, you wouldn’t do that, you’re too good. That’s right, bite your lip till it’s bloody. You can take it, Jay. Just lie there and fucking take it.” 

Mike was sweating, falling apart. He needed to come, to get his cock in Jay’s mouth, but he also didn’t want to stop teasing him. He withdrew a little bit, giving Jay a moment to breathe, then pushed in again, with two fingers this time.

“Fuh -- uck,” Jay said, croaking this out with his head thrown back, his hips trying to work himself down onto Mike’s fingers. Mike held him still with his other hand and pushed in deep. “Oh,” Jay said, in a tiny voice that tugged at Mike’s heart, also his cock. “Oh, oh, Mike--” 

“Just two of my fingers are thicker than your little sex toy thing,” Mike said. “Aren’t they?”

“Mhm, mm-- Yeah, fuck, yes-- _Unh_ \--” 

“Feels good, Jay?”

“Yes, fuh, fucking gonna, m’gonna come if you keep, ah, please--” 

“No. Stop begging. Be good.”

Mike fingerfucked Jay at a leisurely pace, so mesmerized by the looks on Jay’s face that he kept postponing the blow job he was about to get, not wanting to stop this even for that. Jay looked so pained, also blissed out, flashing between the two and writhing in Mike’s grip, on his fingers. 

“Please,” Jay ground out when Mike rubbed at his prostate again. 

“Shh,” Mike said, soft, soothing his other hand over Jay’s belly, just above the wet head of his straining cock. “I’m checking to make sure everything’s working deep inside you, Jay. Be good, be still. Let me take care of you.” 

Jay sobbed for real and covered his face with his hands, which was surprising. For a moment Mike thought he must be coming, but Jay’s cock was still full and throbbing needfully, sticky only with precome. Jay sniffled into his hands and kept his face covered.

Mike considered that last thing he’d said. _Let me take care of you_. Hmm. He could probably break Jay into a thousand mentally shredded pieces, if he wanted to. He extracted his fingers and leaned down to give Jay a soft kiss on his chest instead, not wanting that. Yet, anyway.

“Okay, very good,” Mike said, straightening up and pulling the gloves off while Jay lay there panting, his legs spilled open and his hole shiny with lube, puffy and pink. Mike wanted to fuck him so bad it hurt, but he also wanted to save that for later, to use it as a reward for Jay being very, very good. Jay blinked at him groggily. “Need help sitting up?” Mike asked.

Jay shook his head and got up onto his elbows, then curled forward, gritting his teeth like the fullness in his dick made every moment a little painful. 

“Good,” Mike said. He walked over and cupped Jay’s cheek in his hand. Jay’s face was dry, but his eyes were a little pink-rimmed. “You okay?” Mike asked, thumbing at the corner of Jay’s open mouth. 

“Mhmm,” Jay said, nodding. He looked up at Mike, glassy-eyed and surrendered, awaiting his next instruction. 

“You were so good for me, Jay. I know you wanted to come, felt like you had to, but you didn’t.” 

“You told me not to,” Jay said, blinking up at Mike. His eyes looked really fucking green. Sometimes it knocked Mike a little sideways, remembering what color they were. 

“That’s right,” Mike said, resisting the urge to lean down and peck Jay on the lips. He had other plans for Jay’s mouth, and he sighed happily under his breath when Jay parted his lips for Mike’s thumb as it slipped inside, against his hot little tongue. “Good boy,” Mike said, near whispering. “Mhm, Jay, that’s so good.” 

Mike thought again about pulling Jay’s mind apart at the seams, and realized that nobody Jay had fucked around with before had been as dangerous as Mike, who knew Jay’s whole history, including the thumbsucking shit that he’d been ridiculed and punished for as a kid when he couldn’t get over it. Jay’s eyes drifted up to meet Mike’s. He looked stupid with bliss, heavy-lidded and sweet. 

“So good,” Mike said absently, dragging his fingers through Jay’s hair. “You like that, don’t you?”

Jay let his eyes sink shut and nodded, sucking even more vigorously on Mike’s thumb in response. 

“Like having something in your mouth, hmm?”

Another little nod, and Jay sighed softly through his nose. 

“Want something bigger in there?” Mike asked, still stroking Jay’s hair with his other hand. “Want to show me how much you appreciate my attention to your health, Jay? Make me feel good with your sweet little mouth?”

Jay’s eyelashes fluttered. He looked up at Mike and pulled back to lick at the pad of his thumb. 

“Yes,” Jay said when Mike pulled his thumb free. Jay’s gaze flicked down to the bulge in Mike’s pants. He chewed his lip. “Please?” he said when he looked up at Mike again. “I’ve been, um. Good, right?”

“You’ve been _so_ good, Jay,” Mike said, already opening his pants with the hand that wasn’t playing with Jay’s messed-up hair. “You get a reward, for being so well-behaved for me during the exam. Gonna let you have this big cock in your mouth, you want that?”

“Yes, fuck yes--” Jay groaned, his eyebrows going up in slow disbelief as Mike pulled himself out. “Oh,” he said. “Juh, jesus--” 

“You don’t have to take the whole thing,” Mike said, stroking himself while Jay watched. “Not this time. Think of this as practice. Because I’m instituting some new policies of my own here at the shop, Jay. And one of them is that you’re going to keep my cock warm during our shifts when I ask you to.”

Jay whined and licked his lips, new heat spilling onto his cheeks when he lifted his face and met Mike’s eyes again.

“Okay,” he said, in a timid little voice. “That’s fine.” 

“That’s fine, huh. Open up, there you go. Good Jay, mhmm.”

Mike groaned as Jay took as much of him into his mouth as he could manage, which was barely half. The width was the real challenge. Mike was so close that it didn’t matter, and he stroked his hand over the base of his cock, cupping his other hand around the back of Jay’s head to guide him forward, back, forward again. Jay moaned and closed his eyes, went slack and let Mike use him. 

“Oh, fuck, Jay,” Mike said. Jay was wet-mouthed and calm, like he’d needed this all his life and now he had it. “So good, mphf, yeah. You’re doing so well. Gonna make me come. Yeah, like that. Good boy, take a little more. Breathe, yeah, just relax. There you go. _Fuck_ , yes. Feels good, Jay.”

Mike felt a shuddering, inescapable pleasure rushing up the backs of his legs and along his spine. He moaned and let his head tilt back, closed his eyes and snapped his hips forward carelessly. Jay took it without complaint, without gagging. He took it so fucking well.

“Jay--” Mike breathed out, to warn him, but it was too late. He was pulsing on Jay’s tongue, coming down his throat. 

Mike heard himself moaning and tipped his head forward to watch as his cock throbbed between Jay’s shiny lips. Jay had his eyes closed and was swallowing dutifully, then lapping at Mike’s cockhead as he pulled free, getting every drop.

“Jesus,” Mike said, feeling weak-kneed when Jay sat up straight again and gazed up at Mike with cock-dumb gratitude, licking his lips. Mike wanted to kiss him, but he was going to save that, too. He rubbed at Jay’s chin and the corners of his lips, wiping up the drool that had smeared there.

“Was that good?” Jay asked, his voice rough.

“Yes,” Mike said, narrowing his eyes. “You know it was. Don’t be greedy.” He tapped Jay on the end of his nose, admonishing. Jay blinked cutely and swallowed a pained little noise. “When you’ve been good, I’ll tell you so. You wait to hear it from me. Got it?”

Jay nodded eagerly, eyes widening. He was still so hard, fidgeting on the table and wanting to beg for something more than praise, surely.

“So, that concludes your medical exam,” Mike said, stepping back and tucking his cock into his pants. “You can get dressed now.”

Jay’s mouth dropped open. A little shiver moved across his shoulders when he saw Mike was serious. Mike wasn’t going to let him come. He was going to make Jay tuck his sticky, overfull cock away again and make him walk out of the back room with it trapped and untouched in his jeans. 

“Go ahead,” Mike said, clapping his hands together a few times after he’d zipped up his pants. “We gotta close up the shop.” 

Mike watched as Jay moved slowly, gathering his clothes and almost tip-toeing across the cold floor, as if that would alleviate the ache in his groin. He made a bitten-off noise when he zipped up his jeans, wincing. He didn’t put his work shirt back on, just zipped his hoodie up over the t-shirt and gave Mike a desperate look, either seeking his approval or asking again if he could please, please come.

“Need me to drive you home?” Mike asked, walking over to Jay and giving his shoulders a little squeeze to communicate how pleased he was with Jay’s performance. “Wouldn’t want to send you home on the bus like this,” Mike said, looking down at the bulge in Jay’s jeans. 

“Please,” Jay said: soft, nodding. “Yeah, please, Mike.” 

“Mhm, okay. Let me clean this stuff up.” He kissed Jay on the forehead, couldn’t help it. Jay pressed into the tiny kiss like he was getting off even on this minimal contact, or maybe it wasn’t about getting off. He was a mess, needed reassurance. “Maybe I should take you home with me,” Mike said, touching Jay’s chin and tilting his head back a little. “Make you sit next to me on the couch while I eat dinner, so I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not touching that slutty little cock.” 

Jay moaned, and Mike couldn’t tell if he liked or hated the idea. 

“Just kidding,” Mike said, winking. He could see that Jay was disappointed, which was fairly insane. “You can go home and beat off when you’re alone in your place. That’s allowed. I’ll drive you there.” 

Jay didn’t say much on the drive home. He responded to the few questions Mike tossed his way, mostly just with nods and one-word answers. He still looked pretty dazed when they pulled up to his apartment complex. 

“Is this still hard for me?” Mike asked, reaching for the bulge in Jay’s jeans and settling his palm there gently. Jay sighed and spread his legs apart, letting his eyes fall shut as he nodded. “Good,” Mike said, giving him a few teasing strokes with his thumb through the heavy denim. “You’re a good boy, Jay. You hear me?”

“Yes,” Jay said, his head lolling back against the passenger seat, eyes barely open. “Mike.”

“Hmm?”

“Thank, thank you, just. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome. Now go up to your place and take care of your poor little cock, empty all that come out for me, then take a shower and go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Jay nodded and sighed when Mike removed his hand from his crotch. He took his seatbelt off, hands shaking. Mike wondered if he should walk Jay up to his place, make sure he got inside okay. 

But Jay seemed all right, and gave Mike a little smile before climbing out of the car, like everything Mike was doing was exactly what he needed. 

*


	3. Chapter 3

Mike tossed and turned in bed that night, overcome with the possibilities and still reeling from how well his first two forrays into this new wonderland had gone. In the morning he felt sleepy. A cold fog had settled over Milwaukee as he made his way to work. 

Jay was there behind the counter when Mike arrived, looking perky and well-rested. Mike gave him a little scratch on the back of his neck as he passed behind him to hang up his coat. Jay’s shoulders lifted a little, and he was smiling when Mike returned to the front room. Mike resisted the impulse to wink at him or even smile back. He’d decided he had to show Jay affection only in a condescending way, to keep this from feeling like a game that Jay was winning. That would spoil it for both of them. Jay needed to stay on edge and wonder what Mike was thinking, and Mike needed Jay to feel desperate to please him, not like he could do it as easily as he actually could, with that hopeful little smile and the way he shivered for the slightest hint of kindness from Mike.

“That looks really good,” Jay said, ogling the McSandwich that Mike had picked up on the way to work as Mike took it out of its greasy bag and unwrapped it on the front counter, preparing to shovel it in his mouth.

“I know it’s not healthy,” Mike snapped, like Jay was being sarcastic and judgmental, though he appeared sincere, his eyes glazed over as he stared at Mike’s breakfast. Mike took a huge bite. “I don’t give a fuck,” he said, showing Jay the food in his mouth so that he’d wrinkle his nose and recoil. 

“Ugh,” Jay said, laughing. “Okay, good, kill my appetite. I’m starving.” 

“Didn’t you have breakfast?” Mike asked, chewing. 

“Yeah, but I’m still hungry. I didn’t have any dinner last night.” 

“Why not.” 

“Wh--” Jay gave Mike a wounded look. “Um, you. You told me to, to-- And to go to bed, after showering, so. I didn’t eat anything. Like you said, like. I just did everything you told me to.”

Mike paused in mid-chew and gave Jay look like: the fuck’s wrong with you? He wasn’t even trying to be sexually aggressive or whatever, was sincerely weirded out. 

Jay wilted and grabbed his forearms the way he always did when he felt stupid, his face coloring.

Mike was disturbed by this, but also realized he’d be a fool not to use it. Possibly Jay was just fucking with him, anyway, playing this coy character because he thought it was what Mike wanted. Fine, if he wanted to be like that. Mike could outlast him for miles when it came to having his bluff called. 

“Oh, right,” Mike said, wiping his mouth with napkin. “I forgot. Good, then. I guess you think you’re gonna get a reward for following my instructions so well, huh?”

Jay shook his head, his eyes doing a widening, pupil-fattening thing that made Mike think maybe he wasn’t just bluffing after all. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Jay said, his voice shrinking. “I, just-- You asked why I’m hungry, um. So, that’s why, is all.” 

“You want some of this sandwich,” Mike said, his gut shifting toward something like arousal, despite the fucked-up-ness of this, or maybe because of it. “Don’t you?” he said, holding it up. 

“It’s so greasy,” Jay said, looking troubled. “I’ll feel gross if I eat it.” 

Was this reverse psychology, to get Mike to give him some? Probably. Mike didn’t care. He liked the idea of Jay eating from his hand way too much. 

“Here, Jay,” Mike said, breaking off a little piece of the crumbly biscuit. “You should have some, for being a good boy last night. Did you empty yourself out like I asked you to?” Mike held up the crumb he was offering but didn't bring it toward Jay’s parted lips yet. “Hmm?”

“Yes.” Jay swallowed, his hands lowering to rest over his knees, back straightening. 

“How’d you do it, Jay? Were you in bed, on your back?”

“I-- No.” Jay looked down at the floor, then back up at Mike’s expectant face. “I, I did it as soon as I was inside. Before I’d even locked the door, like. On my knees. In the foyer.”

“Oh, Jay. Of course. Did it feel good, letting all that come out?”

“Mmph-- Yeah.” Jay shifted in his seat. He was getting hard, Mike could see it. 

“And you just unloaded right there on the floor? Made a mess in your foyer?”

“I-- Yeah, it--”

“Did you clean it up after, with paper towels?”

“Uh-huh.”

Mike made a _tsk tsk_ noise and popped the piece of biscuit into his own mouth.

“That’s a waste, Jay,” Mike said, after he’d swallowed. Jay looked so lost just for this: mournful, turned on. “Next time you do something dirty like that, you’d better lean over and lick it all up. Got it?”

“Yes,” Jay said, his voice barely working. He shifted his legs apart on his chair, then back together again, fidgeting like he wanted to hide his growing boner.

“I guess it’s not fair to expect you to know these things,” Mike said, cocking his head. “You need guidance, don’t you? Need me to tell you what to do?”

“Mike,” Jay said, eyes sinking half-shut. He nodded frantically and licked his lips. “Yes, yeah. I do. Please.”

“Okay, Jay, okay. I’ll do that for you, from now on. Here.” Mike broke off another piece of biscuit, and a little piece of crispy bacon, too. “Eat this,” Mike said, reaching over to bring these bits of food to Jay’s lips. “Go ahead.” 

Jay’s lips were shaking as he opened to take the food in, his hazy eyes locked on Mike’s. He swiped his tongue out to take in what Mike was offering, closing his lips around the ends of Mike’s fingers. When Mike pulled them free, Jay chewed and swallowed, still staring at Mike like he was transfixed by Mike’s hungry, approving gaze. 

“Thank you,” Jay said, his tongue darting out to recapture the salty taste on his bottom lip. 

“Did that taste good?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Mhm, you’re such a good boy, Jay, you can have a little more. Here you go.”

Mike ended up feeding Jay almost half of his breakfast, so turned on by the sweet, hypnotized look on Jay’s face and by watching him swallow down everything Mike gave him, he didn’t want to stop. Mike muttered praise after every little bit Jay ate from his hands, and Jay smiled stupidly, blushing and thanking Mike every time. 

This left them both hard in their pants at nine thirty in the morning. Mike wasn’t really sure how to proceed. He’d planned on leaving Jay almost untouched for a few days to make him that much more needy. Now he wanted to give Jay a load of man milk straight from his dick to wash down the McDonalds. 

Mike pondered whether or not that would be wise, glancing over at Jay with looks of curiosity that he tried to conceal as judgment. He could go beat off in the bathroom, denying Jay access to his dick as planned, or he could have Jay suck multiple loads out of him before lunchtime. A whole world of limitless filth seemed laid out for Mike like a buffet, things on offer that he never would have imagined he could have. 

He got up to throw away his McDonalds garbage and went into the bathroom to wash his hands, also to think. When a plan began to formulate, he gave himself an evil smirk in the cloudy mirror over the sink. 

Jay hadn’t moved when Mike emerged, was seated behind the counter and looking at Mike like he both wanted to know what happened next and was afraid to find out. He was still hard in his pants, but not fully, and he squirmed in his seat when he saw Mike looking at the bulge between his legs. 

“I have a special assignment for you today, Jay,” Mike said. 

“Yeah?” Jay perked up as if he liked the sound of this. 

Poor chump. Didn’t he know who he was dealing with here?

“Yep. I need you to do something for me during my lunch break, and it’s gonna require some-- Preparation.” 

Mike pronounced that last word meaningfully. Jay swallowed and grabbed his forearms again, his arms crossing over his lap. He was holding them lower than usual, like he wanted to cover his boner. 

“Okay,” Jay said. “What do you need me to prepare?”

Mike snorted and gave him a look. Surely he knew, or could guess.

Jay just stared back mildly, waiting. 

“I need you to go to your apartment,” Mike said, digging out his keys. “And get something, and bring it to my apartment, and wait for me there.” 

“Okay, what--”

“And I need you to place that thing somewhere very specific once it’s in my apartment.” 

Jay blinked at Mike sweetly, nodding. “Sure. What is it, and, uh. Where do I put it?”

Mike cocked his head like: c’mon.

Jay continued to look clueless. Maybe this wasn’t as obvious as it seemed in Mike’s dirty mind.

“The thing I need you to get from your place,” Mike said, “Is that vibrating cock toy you mentioned yesterday.” 

Jay blinked rapidly and shifted in his chair. The red on his face got two shades darker. Mike wondered if Jay would ever not blush like that, for this. Would it become commonplace eventually, less embarrassing and therefore less exciting for Jay? Mike hoped not. 

“Okay,” Jay said, voice pinched. “Then-- What?”

“Then you’ll go to my apartment,” Mike said, handing him the keys. “And let yourself in, go to my bed and take off all your clothes, put that thing inside you and wait for me. I’ll be there at the lunch hour. But I’m gonna want pictures before then, to make sure you’re being good. So put it in as soon as you get there, got it?”

Jay nodded, muggy-eyed. He was holding Mike’s keys in his upturned palm like he was afraid to make another move before Mike told him to. 

“My car key is there, too,” Mike said, nodding to it. “I’ll take the bus when I come see you later, so you can use my car for this errand. You okay to drive?”

“I-- Yeah.” Jay frowned. “I’m sober.”

“Are you, though?” Mike said, snickering. “Just kidding, Jay. You’ll do great, I’m sure. Now get going and do as I asked you to like a good boy. Wait--” Mike said when Jay slid off his chair, moving like a man with a massive boner. “Question, first. How, uh. What’s the longest you’ve ever had that thing in you?”

“That, the--”

“The vibrating toy thing, yeah.”

“Um.” Jay shook his head, shrugged. He looked like he wanted to melt from shame, but his pupils had gone all fat again, too. “I dunno, maybe twenty minutes?”

“Hmm.” It wouldn’t hurt him to have it in there longer, right? Mike wasn’t sure. He’d do some research after Jay left. “Okay, go ahead, get moving. That’s a good boy.”

Jay left the shop without looking back, and as soon as he was gone Mike started to feel like maybe he was losing his mind even more than Jay seemingly was, doing this. He did frantic, incriminating research on the work computer, trying to determine if leaving a sex toy in someone’s ass for two hours was safe. It seemed to be, but he still felt like something in him was unraveling, also: might this sudden bounty of sexual delights come at a steep price, or actually be a burden in disguise? What was Mike even doing to this person who was kinda his best friend and in some ways even the only real friend he had in the world? Why was Jay letting him do it, for that matter?

That last question was what fueled Mike’s resolve to go through with it. Jay was fascinating, even more so than Mike had realized just a week go. Mike wanted to get to the bottom of it, and he wanted that process to involve his dick going off in and on a lot of places on Jay’s person, and as long as Jay seemed to be enjoying it, too:

Why not?

He sent Jay a text message after twenty minutes of fretting and nervous anticipation. 

_text me when you’re in position as discussed_

Jay didn’t reply. Maybe he was in transit. Maybe he’d caught the first plane out of town because Mike had scared him off with this shit. 

_I’m here_ , Jay finally sent, almost an hour after he’d left the shop, when Mike had begun to debate calling him up. 

_with the thing where I asked you to put it ?_

_yes_

Mike wondered if it would be hotter to talk on the phone or keep it textual. He pictured Jay on his hands and knees in his bed, naked with some lewd thing protruding from his ass. He’d never be able to survive the bus ride there without being arrested for public indecency if he asked for pictures, he realized. 

_how’s it feel_ , he sent, getting a little hard just for this.

_weird_

_why jay_

_cause I’m in your bed_

Mike called him up then, couldn’t resist. It was half past ten. He would take his lunch early, but not too early. This would be pointless if he didn’t wait until Jay was going a little crazy, waiting.

“Hello?” Jay said, breathing this out when he answered. 

Mike groaned, imagining he could hear Jay’s current fullness in his voice.

“It’s me,” Mike said.

“No shit,” Jay said, laughing, and then, “Sorry,” when Mike didn’t laugh, too. 

“So.” Mike cleared his throat, not really sure what to do next. He was flying by the seat of his pants here. “How’s it going?”

“Uhh,” Jay said.

“What’s the situation? You hard?”

“Yes. Mmph. Mike.” 

“What, Jay.”

“The bed, it’s-- Your sheets smell, you know. Like you.”

“Have you got your face buried in them, ass in the air?”

“Actually-- Yes.”

“Ha, I knew it. What do I even smell like?” Mike sniffed his shirt, detecting the faint aroma of McDonalds-caliber bacon. He hadn’t showered that morning, woke up too late.

“Nnh, I don’t know how to describe it. Just, like. Warm, if that was a scent, and kinda, like, dirty? Not unclean, but this other kind of dirty, um. I guess it’s your sweat. It’s this kind of dark thing that I just wanna rub my face in.”

It occurred to Mike that their dynamic felt very different over the phone. Jay was talking confidently instead of whimpering and going braindead for Mike’s every move. Interesting. 

“Take a picture of your face,” Mike said. “Don’t show anything else, just that. But let me see, in your facial expression, what’s going on at the other end of you.” 

Jay sighed. “I’ll try,” he said. “Angle’s kinda awkward.” 

“Dammit, Jay, don’t be such a lazy defeatist. You’d better be good for me, or you’re gonna get it when I show up on my lunch break.”

Jay exhaled, and Mike heard him swallow. Ha, good. He could still make this work over the phone.

“Okay,” Jay said. “Sending the picture now. Ugh.”

“Why ugh?”

“I don’t look good, so don’t get your hopes up.” 

Mike snorted and shook his head when the picture popped up in their text conversation. Jay thought he didn’t look good? He looked fucking filthy _hot_ , red-cheeked and heavy-lidded, with his lips slightly parted and extra pink. His hair had fallen over his forehead just a little, coming out of his gel hold. 

“Fuck,” Mike said. 

“What?” Jay asked, sounding alarmed.

“Nothing. Got the picture, good job. Well done. Now move that thing in and out of your ass while I’m listening. Let me hear you.”

“Mhm, Mike--” Jay said, soft, and then he was breathing harder, making little noises that were somewhere between pain and pleasure. 

The shop’s phone rang. Mike cursed and almost fumbled his cell phone, rudely ripped out of his reverie. 

“Is that the phone?” Jay asked, his voice all breathy and thick.

“Gotta go,” Mike said. “I’ll be right back. I mean-- I’ll be in touch. Bye.”

“Bye,” Jay said, in a sad little voice that made Mike want to throw the shop’s phone against the wall and go running over to his place at full speed.

“Hello?” Mike barked into the shop’s phone, hating whomever was on the line. 

“Oh, hey.” It was Jay’s stupid friend Josh. He worked down the road at a bookstore. “Is Jay--”

“No, he’s indisposed,” Mike barked. He used to be afraid that Jay let this hipster douchehole fuck him, but fortunately Josh was straight. “What do you want? Why are you calling the shop phone?”

“Jay wasn’t answering my texts. Just wanted to see if he’s free to meet up for lunch. He’s-- Where is he?”

“He’s busy at work, you fucker, and he has lunch plans!”

“Jeez, Mike, what--”

Mike hung up on him, disturbed by his own disproportionate rage but giving in to it anyway. He’d sort of forgotten that Josh existed, and being reminded that he did was unpleasant in the midst of the fantasy world Mike was currently trying to fully inhabit. Fucking aside, Mike sometimes also worried that Jay liked Josh better than him and complained about Mike at length to Josh during their stupid little lunches that Mike usually wasn’t invited to. Jay claimed that Josh liked Mike, but Mike didn’t see how that could be true, because Mike was a passive aggressive dick to the guy, and it wasn’t too unusual for this to graduate to full on aggression like it just had, if Josh caught him in the wrong mood. 

Mike decided to use this interruption to his advantage. He’d leave Jay hanging, waiting, wanting him, and would claim it had been because he’d had to deal with a customer. He was pleased, upon further reflection, that Jay had been ignoring Josh’s texts because he was busy with Mike’s task for him. That was a good sign, surely.

At twenty minutes after eleven o’clock, Mike couldn’t wait any longer. Waiting was actually much easier when Jay was right next to him, he’d learned, and Mike could bathe in the warmth of Jay’s suffering impatience rather than focusing solely on his own. He sent a text while he was waiting for the bus. 

_I’m coming now. You had better still be in position_

_yes_ , Jay sent back, and Mike imagined he could hear this in Jay’s tired little voice. He pictured Jay sweat-soaked and shaky all over from the long wait while being held open like that, not knowing when it would end. The thought was getting him hard, but not so much that he couldn’t make it to his place without inspiring the screams of onlookers as he hobbled down the streets with his monster dick fully engaged.

Mike was agitated on the bus, annoyed by the traffic. He told himself to pull it the fuck together. He was the ringleader of this circus, and Jay was clearly up for anything. Mike’s fears that he would wreck this somehow were irrational. How could it be wrecked? Jay just wanted to do whatever he asked.

He thought of Jay saying he hadn’t eaten dinner because Mike didn’t list that among the things he wanted Jay to do that evening. Would Mike have to feed Jay all his meals now? He shook his head and snarled at his reflection in the bus window. He could just say to Jay: eat whenever you’re hungry, fool. That’s an order. Then that would be settled. If there was something deeper and darker to Jay’s insta-obsession with following Mike’s commands to the letter, that was Jay’s problem. Mike wouldn’t hurt him, at least not in any ways that didn’t get him off. Beyond that, he wasn’t actually responsible for Jay’s health. That was just a game they were playing, and whatever the hell was wrong with Jay, he wasn’t brain-damaged enough not to understand that. He knew what he was fucking getting into. He was the expert, actually, compared to Mike. He’d obviously done this before.

Mike angrily put that thought out of his head, trying not to run through a mental list of all the guys he’d seen Jay with who probably would have been down to do some sick shit to him once they realized that they could. No, fuck it. That was the past. Jay belonged to Mike now. 

Did he need to tell Jay so? That he wasn’t allowed to get off like this, or at all, with anyone but Mike, from now on? What the fuck would that mean? Was Jay his boyfriend? Mike had never had one of those. He’d had girlfriends, and the experience didn’t wow him. Men would probably be even more obnoxious about thinking they had the right to reorder Mike’s life according to their whims just because they shared a bed. Jay, of course, was the exception. He had let Mike do whatever he wanted for years, even before this sex stuff, and they were both the closest thing to a life partner that the other had.

Maybe all of this went without saying. Mike decided it could for now, at least. He didn’t want to spoil this with some bullshit negotiation about what it meant or where it was headed.

He didn’t have the patience to wait for his building’s wonky elevator. He ran up all three flights of stairs to his apartment and had to take a moment to catch his breath outside the door, not wanting to look over-eager when he walked in on Jay. Once he was breathing normally, he tried the door. Jay had left it unlocked, since he had Mike’s keys. 

Mike said nothing as he entered, just locked the door behind him and headed for the bedroom. Maybe Jay would wonder if it was Mike coming in to find him in his compromised position, or some nefarious stranger who’d tried the door and found it unlocked. 

Disliking the thought of Jay being even temporarily frightened like that, and also kinda disliking that Jay had allowed Mike to put him in what was technically real danger, Mike loomed into the bedroom door and exhaled when he found Jay as he’d expected and instructed: on all fours on the bed, shaking and sweating, the flared end of a cock-shaped toy protruding from his held-open ass. The toy was bright pink, surprisingly. More of Jay’s hair had fallen over his forehead, dislodged by sweat. Jay just stared at Mike, his head slightly lowered while he kept his gaze lifted and locked on Mike's. He was breathing hard, his back flushed and slick.

“Does it hurt?” Mike asked, concerned. 

“A little,” Jay said, letting his head drop toward the unmade bed. 

“Take it out, then. Poor Jay. Did I make you wait too long? You were so good, fuck, look at that. God-- Yeah.”

Mike’s mouth hung open as he watched Jay pull the thing out of himself with a groan. It was slick with lube, and so was Jay’s stretched-open hole, which gaped for a moment before twitching shut again. Mike was tearing off his jeans before he knew what he was doing, and had to remind himself that he wasn’t going to fuck Jay for real, not yet.

“You’re so hard,” Mike said, climbing onto the bed in nothing but his work shirt and undershirt, having stripped everything else out of the way. He moaned sympathetically for the sight of Jay’s cock hanging red and heavy between his legs, untouched. “I didn’t tell you that you couldn’t jerk off,” Mike said, rubbing his palm over Jay’s flank. 

“I-- I thought--”

“It’s okay, Jay. You’re just so good, you didn’t want to do anything without my permission, right?”

“Right,” Jay said. He went down onto his elbows, arching his back more dramatically, and buried his face in the sheets. “Mike, please--”

“Shh, I’m gonna give you something good now, don’t worry. Your arms are tired, huh? And your legs?”

They were shaking like Jay could barely hold himself up for another second. Had he really been like this the whole time?

Jay just huffed into the blankets and nodded weakly, eyes closed. He looked blissed out in addition to the struggle to stay upright and the presumable soreness in his ass, and he sighed with what sounded like contentment when Mike soothed a hand across his clammy back. 

“C’mere,” Mike said, kneeling behind Jay. He pulled Jay back onto his folded legs, into his lap, so that Jay’s ass was still tipped up but his thighs were supported, spread open and resting on top of Mike’s. “Just relax,” Mike said, reaching up to rub Jay’s shoulders with both hands. “Just go limp, there you go.” Jay’s cock wouldn’t obey this command, rock hard and hot like a brand in the little valley between Mike’s bent knees, but that was fine. Jay let the tension drain from his shoulders and back while Mike kneaded his muscles. “I’m here now,” Mike said. “Gonna take care of you, there you go.”

Jay made that little sobbing sound like he had the day before, hearing this, but he didn’t seem distressed. He had his eyes closed, and he gasped when Mike dragged one hand along the length of his spine, over the crack of his ass and down to his hole. The rim was raw and pink, puffy and sensitive. Jay shivered all over when Mike stroked him there with the fat pad of his thumb, just a few times. Mike shifted back a little farther and grabbed his own dick, unwilling to wait much longer for what he’d come for. Jay just slumped there and waited to have it. 

“So good, Jay,” Mike said, jacking himself to the sight of Jay’s tired little hole and surrendered, pink-flushed body, and for the way Jay was holding Mike’s bedsheets against the bottom half of his face, breathing the scent of them in while Mike brought himself closer to his edge, getting there fast. “Ah, I-- Gave you a mission and you did it, you made me happy, good job.”

“Mhm,” Jay said, nodding to himself, eyes still closed. His hips shifted a little, and Mike gave him a sharp slap on the ass. Jay cried out and turned his face fully against the sheets.

“None of that,” Mike said, soothing his hand over the red spot that rose where he’d struck. “Stay still. I’ll take care of you after I’m done. Wait your turn.”

“Suh, sorry, sorry, Mike--” 

The way Jay’s voice cracked on Mike’s name put him over the edge. Mike groaned and came all over Jay’s ass crack and pinked-up hole, pushing some into him with two fingertips before he’d even finished unloading, still pumping himself dry with his other hand while he fed come into Jay’s ass. 

Jay took it easily, slick and open for Mike's fingers. He moaned and bucked a little, raising his hips like he wanted more. Mike dragged his fingertips along the come-soaked crack of Jay’s ass and down to his hole, pushing more inside while he tried to breathe, feeling dizzy from how hard he’d come and from everything, all of this.

“Good boy, Jay,” he said when he could talk again. “You were so good, here’s, ah. Here’s a little preview. You like that? Like having my come in your ass?”

“Fuck yes,” Jay said, his voice rough, jaw tight. 

“Yeah, I thought you would. Gonna fuck it into you soon, when you’ve earned it. Put it in deeper than my fingers can make it go.” 

“Mike,” Jay said, his face still hidden in the blankets. He’d started shaking again, probably from the effort of not fucking himself against Mike’s legs, the bed, anything. 

“I’m here,” Mike said, as if Jay didn’t know that. Mike was still finger-fucking globs of come into him. “Does this hurt? Or does it feel better, nice and wet now?”

“Better, better, fuck, don’t stop--” 

Mike grunted in disapproval at that command and withdrew his fingers, though he didn’t particularly want to stop either. Jay whimpered and let Mike roll him over, exposing his burning face and needy, blood-heavy dick. Mike just stared down at him for a while, squeezing the insides of Jay’s milky thighs and rubbing his belly, avoiding his dick. Jay held Mike’s hungry gaze and breathed hard, chest heaving. His little nipples were as hard and red as his dick, chafed up from rubbing against the sheets.

“I know I asked a lot of you this morning,” Mike said, making his tone and expression impassive, professional. “So I’m going to show you how much I appreciate you doing such a good job for me. Okay?”

“Yes,” Jay said, nodding. “Yes, thank you, Mike--” 

“You’re awfully chatty today, Jay. But that’s all right. Make as much noise as you want, and come whenever you’re ready.”

Jay pressed his lips together and went still, looking like he didn’t know what to make of this command.

Mike pushed Jay’s legs wide open, guiding his bent knees down so that his thighs were splayed out flat on the bed. He sank into position, keeping his eyes on Jay’s face and wondering how long it would take for Jay to catch on and realize what Mike was about to do. He knew Jay wouldn’t last long. Mike almost wanted him to, but it would be a lot to ask after everything else.

Jay shouted for the first long lick Mike gave his aching little prick, wide and wet from the base of his shaft to the leaking tip. He moaned brokenly when Mike took it wholly into his mouth, sounding a little mournful about how good it felt, as if he was regretting how briefly this would last, too. 

“Mike,” Jay said, hands in Mike’s hair, not pulling but shaky, desperate. “Oh, oh, ah, _sss_ ’, nhgh--”

Jay formed zero comprehensible words after that and came down Mike’s throat with a legitimate scream of relief and probably agony, too, because it was over so fast and because the pressure that had built up by then had to have made letting go a little painful. Mike swallowed it down and stayed on him, suckling until he knew it was too much, so he’d get to hear Jay hissing again, differently than he had when he’d been right on the edge of coming. Jay’s hands curled so that his fingertips pressed against Mike’s skull, but he didn’t try to push him off, just went tense with wanting to.

Mike had mercy and pulled off, kissing Jay’s fat little shaft as it softened. Jay’s cock was not only cute but tasted good, clean and sweet like the rest of him. Even his come wasn’t bad, flavor-wise, at least in comparison to some other loads Mike had swallowed.

Jay was still drifting in bliss when Mike crawled up to check on him. He made soft noises at the back of his throat when he felt Mike’s nose nudging his cheek, and managed to get his eyes open after a few heavy breaths. 

“Mike,” Jay said, like he was praying. 

Mike gave him a little kiss on the lips, couldn’t help it. He pushed his tongue out just a bit, touching it to the tip of Jay’s. Jay’s lips were wet, and his breath was so hot. Mike wanted to drink Jay’s happy surrender down like a pint. He wanted a whole pitcher, actually, could really get used to being looked at like this, as if he was being worshiped for his merciful good works. 

“So, I still have like half an hour left on my lunch break,” Mike said. “And yours is just starting. What should we do?” 

Jay shook his head, closed his eyes and rolled toward Mike’s chest. He ducked his head and didn’t quite cuddle up to Mike, but clearly wanted to. Mike hadn’t even thought about the fact that they’d be cozy in his bed together after all that. He didn’t mind it, and didn’t see any reason not to let Jay have a breather. He ran his fingers through Jay’s hair and pulled him closer, letting him curl up against his chest and almost wishing he’d taken his shirts off so Jay could get more warmth from his bare skin. 

“You did really well, Jay,” Mike said, knowing that his need for praise was bottomless. Jay smiled a little, eyes shut against Mike’s shirt. “I can always count on you, can’t I?”

Jay made a soft, overcome noise that sounded more like surprise than confirmation. 

Mike had an unpleasant thought, despite all this calm contentment. He tried to dismiss it, but was ultimately too curious to see how it would go if he tossed a rock through their revelry.

“Josh called the shop,” he said. “He wanted to have lunch with you.”

Jay didn’t respond, except to rub his face against Mike’s shirt a little.

“Did you hear me?” Mike asked, tugging on Jay’s ear. 

“Nn, sorry, what?” 

“Seriously? Are you falling asleep? I said Josh called. He wanted--”

“Can I unbutton this?” Jay asked, tugging at Mike’s work shirt. “Please?” he said, and when he looked up to meet Mike’s eyes he also sort of looked like he didn’t know where he was and didn’t care to find out. He had an empty-headed, satisfied look of dumb bliss, still afloat in some other dimension.

“Sure,” Mike said, frowning a little. He looked down to watch Jay working his buttons open one at a time: slowly and with care, as if Mike’s work shirt was a sacred object. When it was open, Jay squirmed in to bury his face against Mike’s undershirt, moaning and curling in close. 

“Fuck, Mike,” Jay said, pulling his legs up against Mike’s gut like he was going to try to fold all of himself into Mike’s shirt and hide inside it. “You smell so good.”

“Like what, though?” Mike asked, still wanting better words for whatever Jay was so attracted to. He soothed his hand over Jay’s hair, wondering if Jay just didn’t want to discuss Josh because he thought it would wreck the mood. That was probably it. 

“What?” Jay said, lifting his face and settling his chin between Mike’s pecs.

“What do I smell like? What’s got you so hot about it?”

“Nh, I don’t know. Just like yourself. Your skin and your sweat. Your come.”

Mike moaned and wrapped his arm around Jay, tucking him in tight. He felt newly, dangerously all-in on this. The euphoria from his orgasm hadn’t faded. It had lingered and matured into something that was surrounding him and making his mind buzz with useless resignation, allowing in thoughts like: there was no harm in cuddling with Jay during his lunch break, since Mike wasn’t that hungry anyway after that McDonalds breakfast, even though he’d only eaten half, and why not take a little nap and let Jay bask in his afterglow, hadn’t he earned it?

Jay was warm and surrendered in Mike’s grip, totally melted. Mike had slept so poorly the night before, bothered by things he couldn’t quite put his finger on, and doubly bothered by the fact that he felt like he should just be enjoying this for the pure miracle it was. Now it felt much simpler, with Jay tucked under his arm. Jay kept pressing his face in tight against the steady pump of Mike’s heartbeat, as if it was calming him. Mike liked the idea, and also liked knowing Jay was a slut for his scent, that he craved it. Jay smelled pretty fucking amazing himself, like post-sex sweat and whatever he put in his hair to make it stand up in a swoop. Mike couldn’t put words to it either. It was just the smell of him, Jay, his perfect little Jay. 

Mike fell asleep. He slept like the dead, content to forget the world for a while, and when he woke up Jay was where he’d left him, curled against Mike’s chest and drooling onto his undershirt, sleeping peacefully.

It was also almost three o’clock in the afternoon.

“Fuck!” Mike said when he’d craned his neck to see his bedside clock. He jerked upright in a panic, and felt kinda bad about it when Jay sucked in a sharp breath and woke up looking frightened, rolling onto his back. “We’re missing our shift!” Mike said, buttoning up his shirt as he scooted for the end of the bed. “Shit, fuck, and I had a work order pick-up scheduled, too. They were supposed to be there an hour ago, and the fucking shop is locked up. Goddammit!”

“Sorry, ah--” Jay looked like he wasn’t sure what to do first, his eyes still gummy from sleep as he looked this way and that, probably in search of his clothes. Mike found them folded neatly over the chair he kept in the corner of his room and threw them in Jay’s direction.

“Hurry,” Mike said. “We’re gonna get in trouble for this if the pick-up customer complains to corporate.” 

“Fuck, sorry.” Jay put his socks on first, which was adorable in a way that Mike couldn’t appreciate right now. This wasn’t Jay’s fault, it was Mike’s, but Mike still felt annoyed with him. Why the hell was he letting Mike order him to go to his place and degrade himself all morning long, then clinging to Mike like he was doing Jay a favor? This was too fucking screwy. Mike had to get his head back on straight.

Jay said nothing on the drive back to the shop. Mike let him have his pout, if that’s what it was, and focused on cursing at the stupid drivers, leaning over the steering wheel to glare at them and using the horn more than once. The fog from that morning hadn’t cleared and wasn’t helping matters. It was quarter to four o’clock by the time they got back to the shop and found an angry message on their answering machine from the customer who had stopped by to pick up her repaired device and had found the shop locked. There weren’t many VCR repair shops left in the midwest, let alone Wisconsin, and this woman had driven all the way from Sheboygan. She’d also paid in advance. 

“Mrs. Lawrence, please accept my deepest apologies for the circumstances of the afternoon,” Mike said, sweating under his shirt when he finally got her to pick up her phone. Jay was sitting beside him in silence, looking fretful. “Unfortunately, we had an employee emergency and I had to drive my co-worker to the ER to get his injury treated.” He would be so fucked if she even mildly looked into this story, like: fired. 

“Well, I hope he’s okay,” she said, still sounding a little mad. 

Mike lifted his fist into the air and brought it down in a victorious motion, so Jay would know their story had flown. Jay didn’t look that relieved, just kinda uncomfortable and queasy.

“He’s gonna be just fine, thanks for asking,” Mike said. “Still, we really regret the huge inconvenience this caused you. Please let me refund you for half the cost of the repair.” Corporate wouldn’t like this either, but Mike would come up with a different story for them: difficult yet loyal customer, a necessary act of goodwill to keep her happy, wouldn’t become a regular thing, etc.

“You really should have let me know that this was happening,” Mrs. Lawrence said, snippy but not as furious as she’d been when she first picked up. “But I suppose you were worried about your worker.” 

“I was, but I apologize again for the oversight.” 

“Fine.” She groaned. “I can drive back to Milwaukee on Monday, same time. And I’d like the refund in cash.” 

“That can certainly be arranged.” Mike would take it out of his personal fucking checking account if he had to. “Thanks so much for understanding. We will see you on Monday, come hell or high water, haaa… Okay, bye now.”

He hung up with her and groaned with a combination of relief and regret, letting his head fall back and closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked over at Jay. 

“What’s wrong?” Mike asked, lifting his hand instinctively, wanting to give Jay a little pat of reassurance. He changed his mind, remembering his epiphany that this has clearly gotten out of hand, and scratched at the back of his own neck instead. 

“Nothing,” Jay said, frowning and looking away. He shifted in his seat and moaned under his breath in a way that Mike regrettably found arousing.

“Something is clearly wrong, Jay. Tell me. Now.”

“I’m just, like-- Itchy,” Jay muttered, eyes averted and face going red as he shifted in his seat again. “Feels gross.”

“You-- Oh.” Right. They hadn’t had time to clean up the come Mike had shoved into him. “Fuck, sorry, um. You can go home and clean up, shift’s basically over anyway.” 

Jay got up without looking at Mike and went to get his coat. Jay’s shitty mood was increasing Mike’s annoyance with the uncomfortable intensity of this whole situation that Mike had gotten them into. He met Jay’s angry stare with an answering one when he emerged with his coat and headed for the front door. 

“Hey!” Mike snapped, and Jay froze in place. He turned back to Mike, the pissed off expression softening a little. “I’m sorry, okay?” Mike said, shrugging. “I fucked up, don’t have a fit about it.” 

“You--” Jay looked lost, his hands paused in mid-motion on the bottom button of his coat. “What?”

“It was my mistake, okay, I shouldn’t have fallen asleep or-- Really done any of it, uh. During work, I mean,” he added, because even implying that he might stop fooling around with Jay like this physically hurt. “Next time I’ll just let you go to lunch with Josh like god intended.” 

“What?” Jay looked upset again, confused. “Josh?”

“I told you like twice, did you not hear me? He called earlier, said he texted you, too.” 

Jay dug out his phone and consulted it. “Oh,” he said, scanning through his messages. “Shit. I didn’t see these.”

“How’d you miss them? You were texting with me.” 

Jay drew in a big breath, and exhaled when he looked up at Mike again.

“I get kind of--” he said, then shook his head and turned for the door. “Forget it, I’ll just--”

“Hold it!” Mike shouted, and Jay froze. “You get kind of what?”

“Hyper-focused,” Jay said when he turned back to face Mike, his nose twitching as his face got red again. “When, I’m. It’s freaked people out in the past. In fact, uh. I’ve never found someone who could remotely handle it, even when they thought they would like it at the start. I thought maybe, with you, but. Never mind.”

“Fuck your never mind,” Mike said, and he could see how much Jay liked this. Jay’s eyes widened and his shoulders relaxed a little under his heavy coat. “Don’t tell me what I can fucking handle or not.”

Mike could feel it in the air between them, how hearing this made Jay want to drop to his knees and say oh, thank you, thank god.

“I--” Jay said, back to his feeble, speechless self. 

And Mike had fucking missed seeing him like that, already, messed up as it was. 

“Change of plans,” Mike said. “Go get me a beer.” 

Jay only hesitated for a blink, more like he needed to process what those words meant than like he had to consider whether or not to obey. He went to the back room with his coat still on and returned with a beer for Mike, opened and everything.

“Thank you,” Mike said. He put his arm around Jay’s waist, pulled him close while he gulped from the bottle and held Jay’s gaze. Jay’s eyes were not quite spinny but getting there, with a pleading quality that Mike wanted to drink down along with his beer. 

Fuck if Mike wasn’t already addicted to this. Whatever. Jay needed him, needed Mike to be weird with him in a way that lesser men had run away from scared, probably making Jay think he was a freak. Giving Jay what he needed, and getting all his gratitude in return, was something Mike suddenly felt like he couldn’t live without.

“Still feel dirty down here?” Mike asked, cupping his palm under the seat of Jay’s ass.

Jay let his eyes drift shut for half a breath and swayed in Mike’s grip, nodding. 

“Mhm, okay. We’ll take care of that soon. Here, have a sip of this, it’ll make you feel better.” 

Mike lifted the bottle to Jay’s mouth like he would need help with this, and Jay closed his lips around the rim like he very much did. Mike tilted it up for him and helped him drink from it, giving him just a little at first, then enough to make him sputter while he tried to keep swallowing.

“Good boy,” Mike said, lowering the bottle and reaching up to wipe away the drops that had spilled out past Jay’s lips, into his beard. “Better?”

“Yes,” Jay breathed out, nodding. His eyes were red at the corners, maybe just from choking on beer. “Thank you.” 

“Mhm, poor Jay, you’re so sweet for me, aren’t ya? Have a little more.” 

They finished the beer together slowly, Mike offering sips to Jay between taking gulps for himself. Jay still had his coat on, which for some reason was adorable to Mike. When the beer was finished, Mike wanted to lean up and kiss Jay, to taste that beery goodness on his hot little mouth, and as he stared up into Jay’s eyes, contemplating whether or not he should do it, he felt himself smiling like an idiot and realized with a sharp stab that felt like waking up mid-freefall: 

Oh noooo, I love him.

*


	4. Chapter 4

Mike was sweating on the drive to his place. He felt confident that he could handle bossing Jay around and alternating between degrading tasks to knock him to his knees and glowing praise that would make him float back to his feet, but being in love with him in the meantime seemed too advanced. He wasn’t especially well-equipped for considering the feelings of another person, especially if they were extremely complicated and bizarre like Jay’s.

Jay was quiet in the passenger seat, squirming a little with his continued discomfort but seeming to trust that Mike was going to fix it for him soon. Mike decided that the most disturbing thing about how well this worked between them on all other levels was that it seemed to make Jay either hesitant to talk or convinced that he didn’t need to. He seemed happy enough when Mike glanced over him while they were stopped at a red light, but usually when he was happy he was also babbling about some shit Mike didn’t care about, not minding that Mike didn’t care as long as he sat there dutifully listening. 

“How many other people have you done this with?” Mike asked, not sure what else to say that would get Jay talking.

Jay’s mouth quirked as if he didn’t like the question. He lifted one shoulder. 

“What is ‘this,’ exactly?” Jay asked, muttering.

“Uhh, good question. You tell me.”

“I’ve never dated anyone long term. You know that.” 

Long term? Mike wanted to say: it’s been like three days! Unless Jay considered that spanking interlude their first fucked up date, but even if he did that only meant they’d been ‘together’ for a week.

“I’m just talking about the sex,” Mike said. 

“Oh.” Jay looked stricken. He turned to stare ahead at the windshield. Someone behind them honked, because the light had turned green. 

“How’d you even find out you like this?” Mike asked, pulling forward and resisting the urge to flip the bird at the driver behind him. 

“I dunno,” Jay said, mumbling. “Who cares?”

“I do, and you’d better be good and answer my questions if you want me to take care of you when we get where we’re going.” 

Jay sat up a little straighter and gave Mike an apologetic look, biting his lip. Fuck, those words were like magic. Would using them to make Jay talk about real shit just fuck this up further? Probably, but it was too late now.

“I didn’t figure it out in some single moment,” Jay said. “It was a process of, like, massively failing at other kinds of sex and trying different stuff. I guess I’ve only done this kind of stuff with like five guys and two girls.”

“Girls!” Mike said, with so much disbelief that Jay laughed, then looked kind of insulted. 

“I can get girls, Mike. Or anyway there was a brief window when I tried to.” 

“And they, what? They bossed you around?”

Jay groaned and sank in on himself. Mike supposed it would be rude or maybe even some kind of violation to push it. 

Still, he had to know.

“Tell me, Jay,” he said, reaching over to swat Jay’s knee. “Be good and answer my question.”

“The stuff with women was mostly just your general violence,” Jay said, eyes averted. His hands were twitching on his knees. “Them doing it to me, yeah. It’s not as good as it is with guys.” 

“Why not.”

“Because guys hit harder, Mike! What the fuck, you really want to hear about this?”

Mike’s heart was slamming, suddenly. He glowered out at the road, the names of several guys Jay had been with popping into his mind as soon to be victims of Mike’s murder spree. 

Though really he couldn’t judge them, because the first fucking thing he’d done was smack Jay’s ass so hard he couldn’t sit comfortably for the rest of the day. 

“I don’t get it, though,” Mike said, wishing he hadn’t opened this box at all. “You like, uh. Being encouraged, shall we say. Nice words. Why’ve you gotta get smacked around, too?”

“You tell me, you seem to enjoy doing both. Fucking stop, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Then talk about something else instead of sitting over there like I lobotomized you via your asshole!”

Jay looked sincerely scandalized, then snorted, then he was laughing hard, throwing his head back and turning red, eyes pinched shut. Mike didn’t think it was all that fucking funny, but he couldn’t help snickering a little, too. It was mostly an automatic reaction to seeing Jay sincerely lose it like that over something he’d said. 

“Jesus christ,” Jay said when he could talk again, still laughing. “I’m not always in the mood for chatting. It’s not because I’m over here thinking only of your dick, Mike.” 

Mike didn’t know how to respond to that. He felt like he was having a psychosexual sword fight with Jay and Jay was winning, against all odds and despite how it would look to an outside observer who saw Mike order Jay to go home and use a sex toy on himself until Mike’s lunch break. Maybe Mike’s moves were amateur shit, the obvious ideas of a simpleton beginner. Jay looked smug when Mike glanced over at him. 

“Fine, Jay,” Mike said, narrowing his eyes at that self-satisfied look on Jay’s face, though also it was a relief to see him acting like a little shit again. That was the true Jay, after all. “Fine.”

“Are we going to your place?” Jay asked.

“No more questions. Just sit there like a good boy and have your precious quiet time. You’ll find out where we’re going soon enough.”

Mike said so like he was taking Jay to a dark alleyway where he’d sell him for sex, but he really was just bringing Jay back to his apartment, and once there he stripped Jay’s clothes off and put him in the shower, making the water hot enough to steam up the room.

“Don’t move,” Mike said, leaning around the shower curtain to point a finger at Jay. “Just stand there and wait for me.”

“Yes’sir,” Jay said. He pronounced this like a joke but also got pink-cheeked from how much he’d clearly liked it. He was getting hard under the water, his cock fattening up while Mike stared at him.

Mike tore his eyes away from wet, naked Jay and went out in the bedroom, pacing around for a bit while trying to decide what to do next. He had a tentative plan, but it involved being naked in the shower with Jay and letting Jay see all of him, and he was stalling therefore. 

He told himself it wasn’t simple insecurity, though he definitely had that when it came to his middle-aged physique. There was also the matter of maintaining an air of authority over Jay at all times. Even earlier, when Mike sucked Jay’s dick to completion, he’d had his work shirt on, and that had made feeling in control a lot easier, somehow.

Ultimately he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tenderly clean Jay’s ass for him after having left his filthy come in him all day. It was too hot, and also appealing on some weird emotional level. He sighed and stripped his clothes off, throwing them on the bed. For a boost of confidence, he leaned over and inhaled the smell of his bedsheets, smiling with satisfaction when he found they smelled like sex, in particular him fucking Jay. The sex toy was lying on the bed near Mike’s pillow, shiny with dried lube. Mike left it there, less interested in cleaning that up. Jay could take that job.

“Where’d you stash your lube?” Mike asked when he stepped into the shower with Jay, fake casual. Jay’s eyes went to Mike’s chest, his gut, then his dick. Predictably. Mike snapped his fingers in Jay’s face to get him to look him in the eyes again.

“Sorry?” Jay said, red-faced and fully hard now. He had been when Mike got in, though. Mike couldn’t give the sight of his body credit. 

“Lube, Jay, whatever you brought over to use when you put that thing in yourself. Where’d you put it?”

“Oh, um. It’s sitting between your bedside table and the bedframe. That’s where I keep mine, uh. When I’m-- Can I--” Jay lifted his hands toward Mike’s chest and then dropped them to his sides again. He bit his lip and gave Mike a pleading look. “I’ve never seen you without your shirt before,” he said when Mike just stared down at him with a look like: try me, go ahead.

“Gimme your hands,” Mike said, grabbing them. He spun Jay around and pressed his hands to the shower tiles, flattening them there. “Don’t move,” he said, muttering this against the back of Jay’s ear. 

Jay whined in what sounded like complaint but obeyed. Mike grabbed the detachable showerhead, which was no stranger to Mike’s dick and related matters, though for the most part he preferred beating off in bed. Sometimes he was in a hurry. 

“Poor Jay,” Mike said, spreading Jay’s ass cheeks apart to access the situation. “This does look uncomfortable. Let me help.” 

Jay moaned against the tiles and flexed his hips back, his forehead pressed to the wall. The back of his neck was bright red. Mike knelt behind him and brought the showerhead down over the curve of Jay’s ass, spraying water through his crack and over his exposed hole. Jay hissed and jerked a little.

“Too hot?” Mike asked, though he knew it was.

“No,” Jay said, teeth grit. Of course he liked this. “Fuck-- Yeah, just. Keep going, ngh. Feels good.”

“Sure thing, Jay.” 

Mike rubbed with the pad of his thumb while still spraying Jay with the water, scraping away as much of his residue as he could. He’d get the rest with a different method. Jay pinked up quickly, moaning as if he was in heaven as the dried come was scraped and blasted away. 

“What’s this?” Mike asked when he looked up and saw a faint scar on the small of Jay’s back. He hadn’t noticed it before; the steamy air and hot water seemed to be pulling it to the surface like a hidden message. 

“Wh-- What?” Jay asked, hips jerking when Mike touched it.

“This scar.”

“I don’t fucking know, something from when I was a kid. Keep going, please?”

“Not taking requests here, Jay.” 

Mike stood and put the showerhead back in its holster, registering Jay’s sad little whine of objection but ignoring it. He’d positioned Jay so that he was facing away from the showerhead, and when Mike knelt down again the hot water beat against his back. He hummed curiously and touched Jay’s scar again, then decided to let it go when Jay flinched like this was the first real pain Mike had inflicted on him. Mike kissed Jay’s flushed ass cheek in apology before spreading him apart again. 

“Oh,” Jay said, rolling his hips back for the first hungry press of Mike’s tongue to his hole. “Fuh, fuck, Mike, ahh--!”

“Shhh,” Mike said, giving him a little flick on his ass cheek. “My neighbors will hear you, damn.”

“Suh, sorry, that’s, ah, Mike--”

“Is this your favorite thing?” 

“Mph, I--”

“Who am I kidding, I bet getting fucked within an inch of your life by a huge cock is your favorite. God, I can’t wait to hear what sounds you make when you’re getting it good up this sweet little ass. Good as I can fucking give it. Bet you a million bucks you’ve never had better, Jay.”

Jay whimpered and inched his feet apart a little on the floor of the tub, arched his back. Begging for more. Mike dove back in with his tongue, too into this himself to deny him. He’d never done this before, hadn’t trusted the sanctity of any ass before Jay’s, but it was intuitive and hot and he loved it immediately. He closed his eyes and moaned against Jay’s hole, held Jay open with his thumbs and pushed his tongue inside. Tasting the remnants of his come made it even hotter, the warm water having diluted it just right. Jay whined and whispered curses, twitching his hips back to try to fight Mike’s grip on him and get even more of his tongue, deeper. Mike knew the soft heat of his mouth must feel incredible after the hot blast from the showerhead, soothing and sweet but filthy, too.

Mike wasn’t sure how long he kept at it, though he knew his knees were starting to ache. He still didn’t want to stop, couldn’t get enough of the way Jay trembled in his grip and the way his soft, overwhelmed noises echoed off the shower walls. Mike’s dick was so hard, he’d have to do something about the throbbing weight of it soon. He considered jerking off while his face was still buried between Jay’s ass cheeks, but decided to save that for later and pulled back, sighing with something like wistfulness as he held Jay open and took in how pink and overworked he looked, also clean. Mike wiggled his pinkie finger inside gently, just to the knuckle. Jay moaned and tightened around him, sucking his finger in a little. Mike had to bite his other hand to keep from groaning whorishly at the thought of that tight heat snug around his dick: not now, but soon. 

“Just one more step and you’ll be good,” Mike said. He pulled his finger out slowly and rose to his feet. “How’s that feel?” he asked, murmuring this against Jay’s ear and leaning against his back.

“Oh fuck,” Jay said, pressing back against Mike’s chest. He tipped his head onto Mike’s shoulder and sort of writhed against the weight of him, eyes closed, like he was getting off on the feeling of Mike’s chest hair against his back. “So fucking good. Mike.”

“I meant your ass, Jay. Better?”

“Ah, yeah, much better, thank you--”

“I’ll just finish cleaning you up now,” Mike said, reaching for his soap. He gave Jay’s cheek a little kiss. “You’re being really good,” he said, whispering this into Jay’s ear like it was a filthy accusation of sluttiness. 

Jay sighed and nodded. He leaned forward onto the wall again when Mike reached down to soap up his ass, rubbing his soapy fingertips into the crack and over the rim of his hole, pressing at him just enough to communicate the threat of finger fucking him with stinging soap. Mike didn’t actually do it, though he was pretty sure Jay would like it. He reached for the showerhead and rinsed the soap away, then washed Jay’s back for him, frowning down at the little scar again. Jay shivered when Mike’s soapy hand stroked over it. Mike decided not to ask again, at least not now. He wanted the rest of the night to be cozy and calm. Jay needed his recovery periods, and Mike enjoyed the fuck out of them, too. 

By the time Jay had been soaped up all over and rinsed off by Mike, they were both painfully hard and breathing heavily. Mike had washed Jay’s dick last, smirking down at Jay while he handled the aching shaft gently, teasing. Jay watched as Mike hurriedly soaped himself and rinsed off. He looked mesmerized, and his hands kept twitching like he wanted to grab two handfuls of some part of Mike, whatever he could get. 

“Okay,” Mike said when he’d rinsed off. “You were good, so you can have a reward. Get on your knees and I’ll let you suck me off, if you want to.” 

“I want to,” Jay said, going down on his knees so fast that Mike winced, thinking the impact of landing on the floor of the tub must have hurt. Jay didn’t seem bothered. He was in much better shape than Mike, admittedly. 

“Good boy,” Mike said, cupping Jay’s sweet, upturned face in one hand and guiding his cock to Jay’s parted lips with the other. “Here you go. Mhm, good, Jay. Yeah, ah-- Fucking suck that cock, mph, just like that. You earned it.”

Mike moaned loud enough to be heard by the neighbors, not caring. He wanted to last, but it was hopeless. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been as turned on as he had been when he ate Jay out, and Jay was such a good little cocksucker, taking Mike in deeper than he had last time and working what he couldn’t swallow with his hand, pumping. Mike hadn’t given him permission to touch, but he let it go and pet Jay’s hair, then took a big handful of it and pulled until Jay was moaning around his cock and Mike was coming in his mouth, down his throat.

“Fuck,” Mike said, his fist still closed in Jay’s hair as he pulled him off his dick. Jay gave the head of Mike’s dick a parting lick, like he still couldn’t get enough. “You love that, huh?” Mike said, stroking Jay’s flushed cheek. 

“Yes,” Jay said. He licked his lips and tilted his head back, muggy eyes locking on Mike’s. 

“You like the taste of my come, Jay?”

“Mph, yes, yeah--”

“Like sucking my cock? Tell me.”

“I love it,” Jay said, his voice breaking either from the weight of his sincerity or embarrassment, maybe both. “It’s, you’re--” Jay swallowed and stared at Mike’s softening dick, licked his lips again. “It’s so good,” he said when he looked up into Mike’s face. 

“Mhm,” Mike said, and he rubbed his cock against Jay’s hot cheek, wishing he could get hard again. Jay closed his eyes and turned his face against Mike’s dick, fucking nuzzling at it. “Okay, then,” Mike said, stepping back. “Show me how much you loved that. Jack yourself off for me, let me see how hot that got you.”

Jay hurried to obey, spreading his thighs and grabbing his cock. He let his head tip back and his eyes fall shut while he jerked himself, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. Mike’s cock did a mournful pang thing, because holy fuck it was hot, watching Jay spread his chest and his legs open like that while he touched himself, showing Mike how shameless he could be.

“I--” Jay said, his brow creasing a little, “Ah, Mike, I need, can I, please--”

“Yeah, you can come. Go ahead, empty that little dick for me.” 

Jay whined and increased the pace of his already frantic stroking. He sucked in his breath harshly and came onto the floor of the tub, lowering his head and curling forward as he spilled himself, tugging until he’d pushed out every drop.

“Good boy,” Mike said, touching Jay’s messed up hair. “So good for me, Jay, fuck, you make me so happy when you’re good like this.”

Jay made a sobbing noise and walked forward on his knees. He grabbed Mike’s leg, pressed his face to Mike’s thigh and sighed like he’d needed the heat of Mike’s skin on his face again, rubbing his cheek there.

“Mike,” he said, wrapping both arms around Mike’s leg. He stayed on his knees while his breathing calmed and went steady, his muscles visibly slackening like he might fall asleep there. 

“C’mere,” Mike said, reaching down to pull Jay up by the arms. 

Jay wobbled a little but came willingly. He slumped against Mike’s chest when Mike held him there, his arms winding weakly around Mike’s back. Mike squeezed him tight and breathed into his wet hair, feeling almost queasy with adoration for this perfect mess of a person in his arms. He thought of giving Jay a deep, soul-claiming kiss, and decided doing so after he’d had his mouth on Jay’s ass for like half an hour probably wasn’t the right move.

Jay seemed like he was falling asleep and barely able to focus anyway. Mike washed his hair for him, waiting for him to protest that Mike’s cheapo shampoo wasn’t good enough. Jay didn’t seem to entirely know what was happening, so didn’t complain. He slumped against Mike’s chest again while Mike washed and rinsed out his own hair, clinging.

“You’re so hungry,” Mike said when he heard Jay’s stomach growling. “I didn’t give you time to actually eat any lunch, fuck.”

“I don’t care,” Jay said, mumbling this against Mike’s shoulder. He sounded half asleep. 

“Well, I do. I’m hungry, too, didn’t eat lunch either. Ready to get out and get some dinner?”

“Mph. Okay.”

Mike turned the water off and pulled the shower curtain back. Jay unwound his arms from Mike’s back and then just stood there, like Mike was going to have to carry him out of the shower. 

“You okay?” Mike asked, stepping out and grabbing his scummy towel, the only one in the bathroom. 

Jay nodded and took the towel from him. Mike went to get another for himself from the unfolded pile of clean laundry in his bedroom. He was soaking wet and freezing, cursing under his breath. When he returned to the bathroom Jay had at least climbed out of the shower and was standing with the towel wrapped around his waist, his wet hair dripping onto his shoulders. Mike used his cleaner towel to dry Jay off, leaving his hair an Eraserhead-like mess, then handed Jay his bathrobe and went to get dressed. 

“What do you want for dinner?” Mike called from the bedroom, stepping into clean boxer shorts. 

Jay didn’t answer, which was weird. 

Mike dug out an old shirt of his that didn’t fit him anymore but which he was too sentimental to throw away, a Star Trek one he’d worn nonstop in high school and college, until his beer gut expanded beyond its dimensions. He brought it to Jay with a pair of boxer briefs that were too tight on Mike and would still probably hang off Jay’s narrow little hips. 

“What’s wrong?” Mike asked when he returned to the bathroom and found Jay just standing there with the towel wrapped around his waist, looking lost and vaguely upset. He was holding the flannel bathrobe Mike had handed to him, hadn’t put it on despite the fact that he was shivering.

“What?” Jay said. 

“Put these on.” Mike could feel his expression shifting into something judgmental and worried, because what the fuck? Was Jay doing this on purpose, was this some fucked up part of the game to him? He watched Jay put the t-shirt and too-big briefs on. Mike folded his arms over his chest and stood there in his underwear, cold and concerned. “I asked what you want for dinner,” Mike said. “Did you hear me?”

“Oh-- No, um. Whatever’s fine.” 

Mike lead Jay to the bedroom by the hand, put on a sweatshirt and jeans and gave Jay one of his sweaters and a pair of pajama pants with a drawstring that he could tighten to fit his waist. He brought Jay out to the living room couch and put the TV on for him, got him a beer and a blanket. 

“Just drink that while I run to the store,” Mike said, leaning down to kiss Jay’s forehead. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Jay smiled up at Mike sweetly. “Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” Mike ran his fingers through Jay’s damp hair, trying to style it in Jay’s usual artful swoop. He couldn’t even remotely manage it, and was a little alarmed by Jay’s disinterest in doing it himself, but maybe he just left it floppy when he was in for the night, post-shower. “Be right back,” Mike said, heading for his coat and the door.

“Wh-- Wait, what?”

Mike turned back to Jay, an icy cold feeling of weirdness spreading over him. 

“I’m going to the store,” Mike said, pointing at the door with his thumb. “To get something to make for our dinner.” 

“Can I come?” Jay asked. He was just holding the beer Mike had given him, hadn’t sipped from it yet.

“No,” Mike said, annoyed by this madness. “Stay there and relax, I’ll be right back.” 

Jay looked like he would cry. 

“Stop that,” Mike said. “Be good and drink your beer, watch TV. Stop being weird, Jay, you’re freaking me the fuck out.”

“Okay,” Jay said, in a tiny voice. He took a dainty sip from the beer. 

Mike turned for the door with a sigh, put his coat on and turned back to Jay to check on him. Jay looked confused but okay. He drank from the beer again. 

“Gonna make you a nice dinner when I get back,” Mike said. “Don’t worry. You’re fine, Jay. I’ll be back in a sec.”

Jay nodded and shifted under the blanket Mike had draped over his lap, pulling his feet up underneath it and sitting cross-legged. Mike left the apartment and locked the door behind him. 

“What the fuck,” Mike whispered when he was alone in the hallway. 

On the drive to the store, while shopping for dinner, and again on the drive back, Mike worried he was either doing something wrong or walking into a trap. When he parked in his apartment’s lot, he used his phone to search for ‘brainless after sex.’ The first two results were clickbait articles about dating woes, and the third one was entitled _Meet "The Blob," A Brainless Intelligent Slime Mold With 720 Sexes_. The ones below that were even more irrelevant. 

He pulled up the contacts in his phone and wrinkled his nose when he saw he still had the numbers of two guys he was pretty sure Jay had slept with stored there, idiots he hadn’t talked to for years who’d mostly sniffed around their group of friends so they could fuck Jay when he was newly hot, Mike eventually realized. He hadn’t thought either of them slept with men before learning they’d been ‘seeing’ Jay, and he kind of suspected Jay was the first for them both. Jay was especially magnetic that summer when he was suddenly fit and perfectly styled, bright-eyed and suntanned like a thing ripe for claiming. Mike had thought those guys were pathetic. He didn’t want to talk to them now, and consulting with those assholes about what Jay was like when they fucked him would be a huge betrayal of Jay. He put his phone away with a sigh and decided to think about this some more before he did any investigating. He could try asking Jay about it again, but had the feeling it would go the same way it had in the car: a few angry answers followed by Jay snapping at him to stop talking about it before laughing it off. 

Mike gathered up the groceries he’d bought and this time took the elevator up, a little bit afraid of what he’d find. Jay naked on his knees in the foyer, sobbing because Mike had left him alone for half an hour? Mike had nothing but disdain for the people Jay had been with in the past when he mentioned earlier that they’d all been scared off by how ‘hyper-focused’ he got, but now he was feeling a level of sympathetic kinship with them. What he’d done in the shower with Jay hadn’t even been that intense, really, though he supposed it was the first time they’d been naked together. 

He let himself in and was relieved to find Jay still on the sofa, the empty beer bottle placed on the junky old coffee table in front of him. Jay smiled like the sight of Mike’s face was the best thing in the world, and Mike felt immense guilt for his disloyal thoughts on the way up. He smiled back.

“Told you it wouldn’t take that long,” Mike said, walking into the kitchen with the groceries. “You good?”

“Yeah,” Jay said, standing and letting the blanket fall to the floor. He reached his arms up over his head and moaned a little as he came up onto his toes, stretching out his back. He looked fucking adorable in Mike’s too-big clothes. “Just hungry,” Jay said, following Mike into the kitchen. 

“Good, ‘cause I got a lot of good shit. C’mere.” Mike dragged Jay into a one-armed hug and kissed his cheek, his neck. He still needed to brush his teeth before kissing Jay properly. Jay laughed under his breath and let Mike manhandle him for a few seconds before squirming away and going to the fridge for a beer. He got one for Mike, too, and offered it to him with a timid glance that might have been embarrassment or an apology for how he’d acted before. 

Mike made dinner and Jay helped. Jay kept close to Mike in a way that seemed incidental at first, and then kind of intentional, like Jay was unwilling to get more than a few steps away from him. Mike supposed it made sense: the kitchen was small, and Jay was feeling clingy after the emotional roller coaster of the past week. Mike leaned over to kiss the top of Jay’s head periodically, hoping he wasn’t ruining their new dynamic by being too soft with him. 

“You’d tell me if I was doing something wrong, right?” Mike said when they were on the couch together after dinner, watching a dumb show on HBO that Jay liked. 

“Hmm?” Jay said, still looking at the screen. He was pressed up against Mike under the blanket, letting Mike stroke his chest absently while he watched his show. 

“I-- Never mind.” Mike decided not to push it. Everything would be fine, clearly. “Do you want to sleep here?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” Jay said, still not looking at him.

Mike was surprised, since Jay didn’t have a change of underwear or his toothbrush here, and he was usually twitchy about relying on other people’s sundries in lieu of his own picky possessions. 

“I guess you should wash this,” Mike said, plucking Jay’s sex toy from the bed as they were preparing for sleep. Mike had brushed his teeth. Jay had followed him into the bathroom and sat on the toilet lid, yawning. He shook his head when Mike offered the use of his toothbrush. “Does your little friend there have a name?” Mike asked when Jay took the toy from him, flushed pink across his cheeks. 

“Yeah,” Jay said, looking very serious when he met Mike’s eyes. “I call it Mike Junior.” 

Jay stayed completely stoic for a few blinks. Then he broke, laughing hard at Mike’s expression. 

“Oh my god,” Jay said, practically falling over laughing and defending himself with raised hands when Mike walked over to tackle him. “The way you just looked at me. Like, wow, you thought that was a real answer. You are so up your own ass.” 

Mike picked Jay up and tossed him on the bed. Jay was still holding the bright pink fake dick, still giggling like he thought himself so clever. Mike wished he wasn’t too tired to start up with his snarly act again and fuck the smug grin off Jay’s face, but as it was all he could do was kneel over Jay and pin his puny shoulders to the bed, staring down at him with a glare that wasn’t effective, because Mike was also trying not to laugh and mostly failing, his chest and shoulders bouncing with it. 

“Thought I was supposed to clean this thing,” Jay said, halting Mike in mid-swoon when he moved in to kiss Jay.

And then Mike felt properly stupid, and the laughter drained out of him. He let Jay up and shoved him off the bed, toward the bathroom. 

Jay was winning. He was _winning_ this, at every turn! Mike watched him go into the bathroom with his fake dick toy, somehow after everything still the one who was making Mike feel like a damn fool for wanting to kiss him and for feeling kicked when Jay made an excuse to flee as soon as he tried. Jay could rub his face on Mike’s dick and fall to begging pieces on his fingers and still be the one who came out on top. That was what Jay was really getting off on, ultimately. 

“Hey, actually,” Mike said when Jay emerged from the bathroom, the sex toy left to dry beside Mike’s sink. “Uh, not to be a dick, but I don’t really sleep that well when I’ve got company here, and my back’s killing me. I’d offer you the couch, but then your back would get fucked up, that thing’s a piece of shit. So, like. Would you mind if we called it a night?”

Jay stood there looking confused for only half a second. Then he shrugged and went over to the chair where Mike had tossed his clothes after stripping him. 

“I mean,” Mike said, already wanting to retract that. “Sorry, just. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed a kneeling position when I ate your ass for a record-breaking amount of time. Ha.” 

“It’s fine,” Jay said. “I sleep better alone, too. Just didn’t feel like getting dressed.”

“Yeah. Well, you don’t have to--”

“It’s fine, Mike.”

Jay got dressed in the dark while Mike sat on the bed, feeling heartbroken. What had he thought was happening? Jay treated sex like a horror show starring his zombie-fied self. It seemed to mildly traumatize him, even. Of course having the weird kind with Mike wasn’t going to make him some kind of boyfriend. And Mike didn’t even want one of those! 

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

This was eventually the only thought that could really enter Mike’s mind.

“Hang on,” Mike said, standing when Jay had his coat on, too. “Don’t forget this.”

Mike went into the bathroom and grabbed the sex toy. Mike Jr., he thought, looking down at it in his hand hatefully. Ha-ha-ha. He returned to the bedroom and slapped it into Jay’s hand. 

“Thanks,” Jay said, staring at Mike with steely dislike. 

“You’re welcome.” 

Jay put the thing in his coat pocket and turned to go.

“Hey,” Mike snapped, just to make sure he still could. 

Jay stopped in his tracks, halfway through Mike’s dark living room. He turned back, hands in his coat pockets, expressionless. 

“Take my car,” Mike said. “You’ll be waiting forever for the bus at this time of night.” 

“I can get an Uber.” 

“No, you can’t. Take my fucking car, Jay. Be good and do as I say.” 

Jay pulled his hands out of his pockets. Everything about his face changed in a blink. Mike could see it, even in the dark: the way Jay’s lips parted with an inaudible exhale of relief, the corners of his eyes relaxing into something like surrender.

“Okay,” Jay said, and he just stood there with his arms at his sides until Mike brought him his car key. 

“Drive safe,” Mike said, giving Jay a sharp pat on the cheek that was almost a slap.

Jay blinked heavily, nodded, and left. 

Alone in bed, Mike stared at the ceiling. He felt like he’d made the right move, like this was the smart way to proceed. He also felt cold, and lonely, and like his heart was falling down a pitiless well that he hadn’t even glimpsed the bottom of yet.

*


	5. Chapter 5

After the night they almost spent together in Mike’s bed, Mike held out on Jay for seven whole days. He didn’t touch Jay even incidentally, didn’t ask him to do any weird shit or assign many work-related duties to him, and kept the word ‘good’ out of his mouth entirely. At the end of every shift, Mike lied and told Jay he had plans after work rather than going out to the bar with him, knowing that as soon as he had a few beers in him his resolve would crumble and he’d grab Jay’s thigh under the table for the first dopey love-eyed look the little fucker gave him, because Jay played dirty and knew exactly when to lay it on thick. Mike even avoided Jay during the weekend. He spent both days jerking off excessively and over-eating, alone in his apartment with his evil plans to win this sex war.

Up until Monday afternoon, Jay seemed to be handling it better than Mike was, shrugging and stoic and acting like everything was normal between them. Mike maintained his cold attitude toward Jay while internally struggling and starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be worth it to cave just to ease the constant, nagging pain of knowing how good it could be with Jay and not reaching over to take what was on offer. But when he caught Jay giving him a sad, searching little glance around lunchtime on day eight of no touching or praise from Mike, it was clear at once that all of Mike’s suffering had been worth it. 

Mike was tempted to pounce right away. He decided to wait another hour or two, to see how desperate and obvious Jay would get. 

It was pouring rain outside, a cold and gray day, and for some reason the weather was making Mike even hornier, probably because at that point anything would. Jay took his hoodie sweatshirt off around lunchtime, despite the chill that crept into the shop, maybe because he wanted Mike to see more of his skin. He did have nice arms, Mike thought, trying not to stare. They were fucking biteable, actually. Mike made a mental note to sink his teeth into Jay’s biceps soon, and to tie Jay’s wrists together and watch those muscles flex under his pale skin as he tried to pull against his bonds while whining and hard. 

Jay had been working all day on an old Panasonic unit at the front counter while Mike returned customer calls and booked new business. By two o’clock Mike was starting to wonder if he’d only imagined that hungry, wounded look from Jay earlier, and was again weighing the pros and cons of being the first one to cave. 

“Fuck!” Jay said when Mike was distracted, fooling around on the computer. 

“What?” Mike asked, looking over at him. 

Jay was red-faced. He gave Mike a nervous glance and pointed at the Panasonic with his screwdriver. 

“I just busted the motor driver,” Jay said. “Snapped one of the prongs off.”

“How the _fuck_ did you do that?” Mike asked, leaping out of his chair to inspect the damage. 

“I, I don’t know, I think I was forcing it in too hard, using too much pressure--”

Mike scowled down into the guts of the VCR, sincerely annoyed until he realized what Jay was doing. The part was relatively replaceable, especially for this brand, and they probably had another one on hand in their supply closet. The way the prong had snapped off looked intentional, too clean. Jay had done this on purpose, Mike realized, still frowning down at the scene of the crime so that Jay wouldn’t know he was catching on. 

Jay had done this so that Mike would put him over the counter and spank him, mid-shift. He was that desperate to feel Mike’s hands on him and to be told he was taking his punishment well.

Mike looked up into Jay’s face and saw confirmation there. Jay was beet red, shifty-eyed. He looked ashamed of himself way beyond what he’d be feeling if he’d simply broken an easily replaceable part. 

“Well, no big deal, I guess,” Mike said, lifting one shoulder. His dick twitched longingly for the look of almost panicked disappointment that flashed in Jay’s eyes. “Go see if we have a compatible one in the closet.” 

Jay opened his mouth as if to voice some protest, then he swallowed and pressed his lips together, his eyes darkening before he went to the back room to do as Mike had asked. 

Mike didn’t feel like spanking him just now. He had something worse, and better, in mind.

“How much would you say that motor driver is worth?” Mike asked, seated in his chair again when Jay returned with a new one. 

“Uh.” Jay looked down at it and shrugged. “Probably just, like. Five bucks?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. So, I can either take that out of your paycheck, Jay, or you can do five dollars worth of extra work for me this afternoon.” 

“What kind of extra work?” Jay asked. The color was coming back onto his cheeks, hopeful interest springing into his eyes. 

“Oh, nothing too strenuous. In fact, you can do it while you’re still working on that repair, so you won’t have to stay late. Probably got big plans later, I bet?”

Jay just stared at Mike, blushing. 

“How’s that sound, Jay?” Mike said, more sharply. “Want to make up for your fuck-up that way, show me you can do a good job?”

“Yes,” Jay said, roughly, like Mike had reached down his throat and grabbed that word. Jay closed his fist around the motor drive, almost tight enough to crush it and rack up more debt to Mike. Maybe he wanted to.

“Good,” Mike said, smiling, evil. “Take your pants off, then. Underwear, too.”

“Wha--” Jay glanced at the shop’s front door. It was unlocked, the sign that hung on it turned to OPEN.

“You’ll be behind the counter. Customers aren’t allowed back here. If someone comes in, or walks by, they won’t know.”

Jay stared at Mike for a few blinks before setting the motor driver on the counter. He swallowed heavily, his flush moving down to his throat, and knelt down to untie his boots. Just staring at the top of Jay’s head, lowered like he was bowing, made Mike’s mouth water and his cock start to fatten up in his jeans. Jay stepped out of his boots without meeting Mike’s eyes and reached for the button on his jeans. He was breathing harder already. He was desperate, and now Mike knew it. 

Mike stayed in his chair, watching Jay strip his pants and underwear down with a phony impartiality, as if this was just a regular part of a normal work day. Jay was twitchy when he was down to his socks and his work shirt, his cock filling rapidly and his eyes darting from the shop’s front door to Mike’s face, then back to the door. 

“Get back to work,” Mike said, nodding at the Panasonic on the counter. “You can start by replacing that motor driver you busted.”

“How, but, what’s the other--” 

“Quiet, Jay, and do what I told you. Your extra work will come later, but this is part of it, too. Now get moving on that repair job like a good boy.”

For a while Mike just stayed in his chair, watching silently. Jay was shaky, and he approached each adjustment to the machine in front of him slowly, as if second-guessing every decision. He’d gotten fully hard just from the feeling of Mike’s eyes on him, or from being half-naked behind the counter when a customer could walk in any minute, or maybe just from knowing things were about to get even weirder. The way Jay’s cock stood up through the tails of his work shirt was fucking cute. Mike almost wanted to take a picture, but he’d mentally scheduled photo and video-related adventures for further down the line of this thing.

“Let’s see, did you get that motor driver in properly?” 

Mike stood up after asking, and Jay froze with his hands hovering over the repair job as Mike moved closer to take a look.

“Yeah,” Jay said. “It’s in.” He gave Mike a sheepish glance after saying so, as if hoping to entice him to further action with the words _it’s in_. 

“Mhm, yeah it is, good job,” Mike said, hovering into Jay’s space, close enough that Jay would feel the heat of Mike’s body against his exposed skin. Mike rested one hand approvingly on Jay’s waist, over his work shirt. “Good, Jay,” he said, shifting over to stand directly behind him. “Go ahead and continue. I’ll watch the rest of your work, make sure you’re doing things right.” 

“Okay,” Jay breathed out, nodding. He sounded relieved, grateful. 

Jay was bent over his work a bit while Mike stood up straight behind him, watching like a hawk as Jay handled the VCR parts with reverent care, as if they were sacred relics. Mike left one hand clamped on Jay’s waist and touched him in random intervals with the other, stroking the golden hairs on his arm or reaching up under his shirt a little to touch the shivery skin on his side. Every touch was accompanied by Mike’s soft, muttered praise as Jay worked. Mike was hard against the seat of Jay’s bare ass, not grinding but leaning against him with just enough pressure to keep him constantly aware of how happy he was making Mike by working like this for him. 

“Oh,” Jay said when Mike finally touched his cock, just brushing his fingertips idly along the shaft. Jay curled forward a little and pressed his hips back against Mike’s dick, needful and timid at the same time. Mike almost moaned but managed to hold it in, ducking his head in to exhale slowly against Jay’s cheek instead. 

“Keep going,” Mike said, running his fingertips up along Jay’s shaft again, to feel the sticky precome beaded on his cockhead. Mike spread it outward in circles with his thumb while Jay trembled and breathed harshly. “Don’t stop, Jay. There you go, good.” 

Mike had mercy enough to stop touching Jay’s cock as Jay attempted to undo a tiny screw on the inside of the machine. Jay breathed out in shaky, controlled exhales and started to make soft noises at the back of his throat for every new touch from Mike, who was breathing hotly against the back of Jay’s neck, leaning onto Jay’s back while he worked and muttering the occasional ‘good’ in his ear. Jay dutifully kept working, until his grip on the tools actually got steadier when Mike stroked his sides, his hands pushed up under Jay’s shirt now. Jay had goosebumps all over, but at the same time seemed overheated, his neck so warm that Mike was having trouble not burying his face there to revel in that flustered heat.

“Have you figured out what your extra, five dollar task is yet, Jay?” Mike asked, after they’d been at this for almost an hour and the repair was nearly done. No one had come to the door, but a few delivery trucks had passed by outside, close and slow enough to make Jay go stock still before they moved on to one of the other store fronts. Mike had been similarly attentive, watching the door from over the top of Jay’s head and feeling feral, ready to protect him.

“Have I-- No, what?” Jay turned toward Mike just slightly, presenting his hot cheek in a way that made Mike want to kiss him there. He resisted, and tightened his grip on Jay’s waist.

“Your task,” Mike said, pushing his hips against the curve of Jay’s ass just a little more snugly, “Is to keep me hard like this for the rest of our shift, until I’m ready to give you all this come I’m holding in for you. Till you’ve earned it.”

Jay moaned and nodded, his eyes sinking shut. He opened them, sucked in his breath, and went back to his work, keeping his ass pressed back tight against Mike’s bulge. Mike kept giving him irregular little touches, stroking Jay’s trembling belly or the back of his burning neck. When Jay seemed to grow too calm and focused on his task, Mike would reach down between his legs and brush his thumb up and down the length of Jay’s dick until his breathing got ragged and his hips shifted back helplessly against Mike’s, making Mike’s cock throb in a kind of answering agony.

But Mike had discovered he loved waiting, as long as he could see Jay get more and more weak-kneed for what he wanted. Closed around Jay like that and feeling in total control of the situation, and of Jay himself, made Mike feel more alive than he ever had, fucking powerful. It was a power he wanted to wield gently, which surprised him, though the gentle way he was handling Jay’s rock hard dick was a kind of torture, too. That was what Mike liked best about this, actually: the salty-sweet combo of making Jay a throbbing, teary mess and then wiping his wet face and handling his sore ass with care.

“All done,” Mike said when the VCR was intact again, Mike still hugged up behind half-naked Jay at the counter and rubbing his arms. “Good work, Jay. And with this extra challenge, too.” Mike ground his by then painfully tented cock against Jay’s ass. He smirked when Jay pressed back against him and then went perfectly still, as if he was afraid he’d disobeyed. “Now put your hands on the counter while I lock the shop up. You’re doing really well. Ready to finish your other task for me?” 

“Yeah, I’m, yes--”

“Good.” Mike gave him a tiny kiss on the back of his head. Maybe Jay wouldn’t even feel it. Jay leaned forward and did as Mike had asked, flattening his hands on the counter, on either side of the repaired VCR that was still in front of him. 

Mike hummed a tuneless song under his breath as he went to the front door and flipped the sign around to CLOSED. He locked the door and turned off the overhead lights. This made the pale gray of early evening seem to glow through the gaps between the newspapers they’d wallpapered over the front windows to keep people from leering in at them. The door was covered in a similar way, except for the glass above the handle, so customers could see the OPEN/CLOSED sign that hung there. Jay looked fucking pretty when Mike turned back to him, hands spread open on the counter while he waited for Mike’s next instruction, his hair golden-looking in the glow from the lights they’d left on in the back room. 

“You’ve almost made up for your mistake,” Mike said, walking back to him. 

Jay’s shoulders flinched at the word mistake. He lowered his eyes like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to look Mike in the face again yet. 

“You’re doing well,” Mike said, squeezing the back of Jay’s neck. “I’m almost ready to return your privilege of wearing pants at work, Jay. Just stay like that while I give you what you’ve already earned. Good boy, just like that.” 

Mike narrowed his eyes at the shop’s front door while he stood behind Jay, jerking his cock as leisurely as he could manage, hyper-sensitive already but not wanting this to end too soon. He’d closed up fifteen minutes early, but fuck it. This was important, too. This was part of Jay’s fucking _job_ , even if only Mike said so.

Because if it was that, fucked up and highly illegal and strictly taking place at work, it couldn’t also be that other thing that Mike had mistaken it for when he’d tried to kiss Jay in bed and got rejected, even after the little shit had been on his knees for him, worshiping his cock. Mike had blurred the boundaries too much by taking Jay home like that. It wouldn’t happen again.

Easier to keep it at work, Mike decided, speeding his hand and focusing on the way Jay was trying and failing to breathe normally while he trembled against the counter and waited to see what Mike would do to him now, obediently submitting to it without even knowing. 

“Just gonna push this up for you a little,” Mike said, breathy and close to coming as he tugged Jay’s work shirt up in back, exposing more of his pale skin, including that scar, though it was barely visible in this light. Mike’s eyes went there anyway. “Wouldn’t want to, mph. Get company property dirty.” 

“Yes sir,” Jay said, barely audible. He looked like he wanted to lower his head and rest it on the VCR he’d just repaired, but he kept himself raised over it at an awkward angle, back tilted over the counter, arms and legs spread apart to show Mike everything was on offer, all of him. 

Mike moaned under his breath and felt his edge getting irreversibly closer. He dug his teeth into his bottom lip and watched the way Jay’s little fingers tensed on the countertop, then relaxed again. Jay’s thighs were tensing in delicate twitches, too, and when Mike imagined his lonely little hole doing the same he groaned and started to come, pulling Jay’s ass cheeks apart with his free hand so he could unload between them. 

“Ah,” Jay said, under his breath when he felt Mike’s come splashing him there, hot and plentiful.

Mike knew Jay was disappointed by this conclusion. Mike didn’t give a shit. He continued to empty himself onto Jay’s ass, holding him open to take every drop. Jay had been waiting for Mike’s cock to push inside him, actually thought he might get it just for this.

Mike was going to make him wait so much longer.

Well, maybe not so much, because when Mike started pushing his come into Jay’s ass like he had last time, only now with no lube beyond the come itself and zero prep, he heard himself moaning for how much tighter Jay felt this time, and almost felt like he could get hard again and just fuck him right then and there, all night long. 

But Mike’s cock was spent, at least for the time being, and his resolve was real anyway. Jay was panting against the top of that VCR, down on his elbows and making sweet little noises for the feeling of Mike’s come-slick fingers working into him, stretching his unprepared rim and sinking in deeper every time Mike swiped up more come to push inside. Mike knew it must ache, having two fat fingers pushed in suddenly with only drying come for lube, and he saw Jay liking it, thrusting his hips forward against nothing and then back to get more of Mike’s fingers into him, mindless and needy.

“Good _boy_ , Jay,” Mike said, and he crooked his fingers to tease Jay’s prostate when he saw him shiver for the praise. “Just a little more, that’s right, stay still. Almost got it all into you.”

“Mike,” Jay said, his voice breaking, and when he shook his head Mike froze, wondering if he should pull his fingers out, if he’d crossed some kind of line.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asked, soothing his other hand over Jay’s back. “Need to stop?”

“Nuh, no, god, please, Mike-- Please--”

“Please what, Jay? You’ve been good, you can tell me. What do you need?”

“Please fuck me,” Jay said, sobbing this out and letting his head just touch the top of that VCR before he lifted it again, shaking all over. Mike’s come-wet fingers were still buried in his ass, most of what Mike had unloaded onto his ass cheeks gathered up and pushed inside. “Please,” Jay said more softly, squeezing up tight around Mike’s fingers. “Mike, please, please fuck me, please--”

“I am, Jay.” Mike moved his fingers almost all the way out and then pressed them in again slowly, to demonstrate. He knew what Jay meant, knew it wasn’t this he was asking for. “Feel that?” he said, doing it again. “I’m fucking you, Jay, right now. Unless you want something else?”

Jay whimpered and pressed his hips back, shook his head.

“Mhmm, I don’t think you’re being honest, Jay. Tell me what you meant, what you want. Go ahead, don’t be afraid to ask. You’ve been so good.”

“Your cock,” Jay said, clenching up around Mike’s fingers. “I want it in, inside-- please. Please, Mike?”

“Aw, you should have asked earlier. I already blew my load, Jay, can’t get hard again for a bit. And do you think you even deserve my dick? After you messed up earlier with that motor driver?”

“Ah-- No, I, no. I don’t.”

“But don’t worry. You’re so good, Jay. My good, hard-working boy. You’re gonna work to earn my cock up your tight little ass, aren’t you?”

“ _Yes_ , unh, yeah, I--”

“Shh, I know. You’ll get what you have coming to you when you’ve earned it, Jay, and not a moment sooner. Would you have it any other way, good boy that you are?”

“No, muh-- Mike, thank you, thank you--”

Mike slid his fingers out and pressed his hands in around Jay’s ass cheeks, pushing them together to wordlessly encourage him to hold all that come inside. He leaned over Jay’s back and gave his flushed neck a long, indulgent lick, couldn’t help it. Jay smelled fucking amazing and tasted even better. Mike wanted to suck Jay’s cock, would have happily swallowed more than one load straight from the source, but he had to keep to his script, had something else planned. 

“You took my come so well, Jay,” Mike said, muttering this against the back of Jay’s ear. “So, good news. You’ve earned the right to put your pants back on. Turn around, I’ll help you.” 

Jay sighed with something that wasn’t quite protest. Resignation, maybe, or even arousal, since he seemed to be all in for Mike not letting him come. That wasn’t what was actually happening here, but Mike did want Jay to think so. He grabbed Jay’s underwear and jeans and helped him ease one shaky leg into them at a time, then pulled them both up for him, dragging them up over his come-filled ass but leaving the jeans unzipped and open in front, and tugging the front of Jay’s briefs down so they were snug under his balls and aching prick. 

“Look at that cute little cock, so hard for me,” Mike said, swiping his thumb over the sticky head. Jay sighed again, more forcefully, and stared down at Mike’s hand. Mike settled both hands on Jay’s waist, and only then did Jay lift his eyes to meet Mike’s gaze. “Were you good enough to get to come?” Mike asked, whispering this like it was a dangerous question, or like the answer could potentially be dangerous. “Hmm? You think?”

“Ah, I don’t know--”

“Who knows, Jay. Who says when you get to come or not?”

“You.” Jay swallowed after saying so and nodded, holding Mike’s stare and looking fucking sincere, also serious. “Only you.” 

“That’s right. Aw, Jay, you’re been so good, of course you can come. Go ahead, empty your dick for me. Let me see how much you loved being good for me.” 

Jay looked confused, then maybe a little heartbroken when he realized Mike wasn’t going to touch him except to hold his hips steady while he jerked off for Mike’s viewing pleasure. When Jay finally reached for his dick he held it loosely, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed even this. He also hissed like even that amount of friction was intense after waiting so long. 

Mike wanted to lick Jay’s parted lips open even wider, wanted to shove his tongue into Jay’s mouth and kiss him stupid. He only lifted his eyebrows in a signal for Jay to get on with it.

“Mike,” Jay said softly, under his breath, letting his eyes fall shut when he started to stroke himself. He was still shaky, flushed, a mess. If he hadn’t been leaning against the counter behind him he would have needed Mike to hold him up fully.

“Good,” Mike said, keeping his voice low, his forehead near to tipping down against Jay’s as Jay curled forward slightly, pumping his cock while Mike watched. They were so close, and Mike felt like he might get hard again. He wanted to catch Jay’s panted breath on his tongue and swallow it down, knew he would be tempted to drop to his knees and start drinking from Jay’s spurting dick when he came.

But Mike had resolve. He was going to do this right, goddammit. So he’d win.

“Mike,” Jay said again, louder and more desperate, his head dropping back. 

“Gonna come for me, Jay? Gonna let me see?”

“Yes, yeah, _Mike_ , it’s--”

“Go ahead, you can come now, you’re so good-- Fuck yes, let it all out.”

Jay moaned whorishly as he emptied himself. Mike fucking loved him, wished he didn’t but couldn’t deny it when Jay slumped back against the counter, propping one elbow there to hold himself up while he kept pumping his dick with his other hand. He managed to catch most of his come in his palm, but there was also a little on his belly. Mike had pushed Jay’s work shirt up and out of the way for him, keeping it clean for him while he unloaded. 

“Good boy,” Mike said firmly when Jay managed to lock eyes with him again, still breathing hard. “Now,” Mike said, taking Jay’s wrist and bringing Jay’s come-soaked hand up toward his mouth. “I’m not gonna use company-owned paper towels to clean your mess, Jay. Lick that up for me, get yourself clean.”

Jay did it without hesitating, looking relieved to have a new task after he’d dropped into post-orgasm dreamland, or wherever it was he went when he got like this. He licked the come off his hand like he was hungry for it while Mike held it there for him, his massive hand wrapped around Jay’s delicate wrist. Mike whispered praise for every swipe of Jay’s tongue: good, mhm, like that, being so good for me, yeah.

“Just a little more,” Mike said, swiping the cold come on Jay’s belly onto his thumb and bringing it to Jay’s lips. Jay took it in eagerly, sucking his come off and swallowing it down. As Mike had expected, Jay held Mike’s thumb in his mouth even after it was clean, suckling at him with shameless gratitude, his eyes gone hazy and heavy-lidded. “Good,” Mike whispered, stroking Jay’s hair with his other hand. “Fuck, you’re so good. Perfect little Jay.”

Jay whined softly and nodded. Mike smirked at Jay’s agreement that he was perfect like this, and decided it wasn’t the time to call him out on it. 

Mike let the thumbsucking go on for a while. It was a kind of reward of its own, and Jay was getting a little stiff again for it, his cock fattening into a half chub between their bodies. Mike tucked it away with his free hand, pulling Jay’s underwear up and then zipping his jeans shut. He extracted his thumb from Jay’s mouth so he could button him up. Jay tried to chase it, eyes closed now, huffing through his nose and finally letting Mike go with a defeated whimper.

“Hush,” Mike said. He buttoned Jay up and then supported him against the counter, hands on his hips. “What do you need now?” he asked, earnestly, looking down into Jay’s unquestioning eyes. “Hmm? Be a good boy and show me what you need.”

Jay exhaled and sank slowly to his knees, rubbing his face against Mike’s chest and then his hip and his leg, maintaining contact all the way down. When he was kneeling on the floor he hugged one arm around Mike’s legs and closed his eyes, his shoulders relaxing and mouth slack against the denim. 

Mike stood above him, mildly concerned. He grabbed Jay’s hoodie from the back of his chair and leaned down to wrap it around his shoulders, because he’d started shivering again. It was cold in the shop, and even more so on the floor. 

“Good boy,” Mike said, not sure what to do now except say those magic words while petting Jay’s hair. Jay pressed up into the touch and then went boneless again, except for the arm that clung tightly to Mike’s legs. 

Mike was tired of standing. He nudged Jay over so that he could sit in his chair while Jay stayed like this for however long he wanted to. Mike was curious and feeling indulgent, petting Jay’s hair, but he was also in need of a beer and kind of wondering if Jay wouldn’t just stay like this until he fell asleep for real, all night long, if Mike let him. 

“You must be feeling itchy,” Mike finally said, when it was almost six o’clock and Jay still hadn’t moved, his warm breath against the leg of Mike’s jeans the only sign that he was still alive down there. “Hmm?” Mike said when Jay twitched for the sound of Mike’s voice, sighing against his leg and shifting his cheek. “Look at me, Jay. Are you a mess down there? Ready to go clean yourself up yet?”

Jay lifted his face to look up at Mike. He blinked a few times, like he was trying to make sense of Mike’s words. 

“Do you want me to?” Jay asked when Mike just stared down at him. “Want, um. Want me to go clean it out? I don’t have to. I can wait.”

“No, I don’t want you getting uncomfortable.”

“I’m not--”

“Quiet, Jay. Stand up, that’s an order.” 

“Yes’sir,” Jay said, again mumbling it under his breath like he wanted to half-hide it from Mike or wasn’t sure he was allowed to indulge himself by saying it. He stood on wobbly legs, bracing his hands on Mike’s knees on the way up. When Mike spread his legs and gathered him closer, Jay leaned in between Mike’s thighs with a hopeful little smile.

“Here, put your arms in your sleeves,” Mike said, helping him to put his hoodie on properly. Mike zipped it up for him and rested his hands on the small of Jay’s back. “Listen to me,” he said when Jay gave him his dopey, lovestruck smile. “Are you listening?”

“Yes,” Jay said, dropping the sir. Interesting. Mike wasn’t going to make him say it. He liked that it was Jay’s idea, whenever it came out. 

“I want you to go home now. You can take the bus, since you stayed good and soft for me.” Mike cupped Jay’s dick through his jeans to confirm, and smirked when this made Jay’s hips roll forward with a hopeful little twitch, his eyelashes fluttering. “Mhm, yeah. Good boy. So, you’ll take the bus home, and take a long shower, clean that stuff out of you. You only get to keep it in you for as long as I say, got it?”

“Yes,” Jay said, nodding eagerly. “Okay.”

“After you’re clean, have your dinner, watch a movie or read a book, then go to bed. You did so good today, Jay. I want you to go to sleep knowing you made me so fucking happy.” 

Jay smiled and nodded, swooning toward Mike like he wanted to rub his face on that praise. He sort of looked like he wanted to be kissed. Mike thought about the taste of Jay’s come on his tongue and pressed forward, teasing his lips against Jay’s. He moaned at the back of his throat for the rough tickle of Jay’s moustache on his lips and the heat of his breath, but pulled away without actually kissing him.

“Thank you,” Jay said, meekly, daring a glance up into Mike’s eyes before looking away again. “Mike, I. I’ll do everything you said.”

“I know you will. My good boy.” Mike kissed Jay’s cheek and scratched behind his ear. Jay preened and leaned into the touch, grinning like he thought he’d won this round. But he hadn’t: Mike wasn’t going to cave. “Now go ahead,” Mike said, easing Jay back before letting go of him. “Get moving. I’ll see you tomorrow morning for your shift.”

Jay nodded and knelt down to put his boots on. When they were laced up, he headed for the front door as if he was going to leave without his coat. Mike stopped him, worried that he shouldn’t send Jay out into the night like this and wanting like hell to take him home and cuddle up with him in bed, let him be brainless or bratty or whatever. He didn’t do it, kept to the plan and buttoned Jay into his coat before sending him out into the cold. 

Mike got a beer from the fridge in back and sat for a long time in the dark, only the light from his computer monitor glowing in the shop. He felt kind of shaken up, and wondered if Jay’s post-sex disorientation was contagious. He let himself imagine Jay’s evening at home, how Jay would get hard in the shower while he washed himself up but wouldn’t jerk off, because Mike hadn’t included that in his instructions. He’d let his cock go soft without touching it, would eat some annoyingly healthy meal like chicken and broccoli for dinner, then watch whatever Blu Ray release of a deservedly forgotten movie he’d bought recently. He’d go to bed cozy in the feeling that he’d gotten everything he wanted out of his day. He wouldn’t lie there wishing Mike was wrapped around him. He’d fall asleep easy, content. 

Mike chugged the rest of his beer, got his coat and walked down the street to get hammered at the bar rather than think much more about whatever was going on between him and Jay and how far it would go before Mike could declare himself the winner of the final round. 

*

Jay showed up to work the next morning early, same as Mike, who’d only beat Jay there by a few minutes. Jay gave him a little grin as he came through the front door, and held up the Starbucks cup he was carrying as if to toast Mike with it. 

“Morning,” Jay said, maybe a little more cheerful at eight AM than usual but otherwise acting like everything was fine and hopping into his chair beside Mike. “You okay?” he asked, frowning a little when he saw how pale and no doubt shitty Mike looked.

“A little hungover,” Mike muttered. His head was pounding. He couldn’t remember walking home from the bar or eating any dinner, and when he woke up it was four AM and trying to get any more sleep was useless. 

“Aw,” Jay said, and Mike expected to be mocked for his bad habits as usual. Jay held the coffee cup toward him instead. “Want some?” he asked. “It’ll help.” 

Mike took the cup. It was warm, and from the smell through the little slit on the lid he could tell it was Jay’s usual order, no sugar or milk allowed anywhere near it. Mike blew through the steam wafting out of it and took a cautious sip, then a bigger one. The heat level was just right, satisfying but not burning his tongue. He could do without the bitterness, but milk probably wouldn’t do him any favors right now.

“Thanks,” he said after a few more sips, passing it back to Jay. 

“What’s on the schedule for today?” 

Jay looked hopeful when Mike glanced over at him. Mike had a few ideas about how to escalate things here at the shop before he made Jay’s dreams come true and fucked him raw with his dick, but had no energy for any of it that morning or even maybe for the whole day. 

“Call all these customers and tell them we’re running a special next week,” Mike said, shoving a clipboard with a recurring client list on it toward Jay on the counter. “Ask if they have anything they need to bring in.”

“I’m not good with customers,” Jay said, shoulders sinking. “You know that.”

“Yeah, well, it’s about time you got better at it. I’ll sit here listening and I’ll give you notes.”

Jay flushed, just a little. He nodded and reached for the clipboard.

The rest of the day was spent like this: Jay being stammery and cute on the phone with customers, indeed sucking at it, and Mike crankily giving him cues while on the phone and harsh criticism after he’d hung up. Jay nodded a lot and didn’t say much. He seemed to be taking Mike’s notes to heart, really trying. He was just such a dweeb when it came to interacting with people on the phone, unable to rely on the fact that most people automatically liked him in person because he was fucking adorable and eager to please. On the phone, the eager to please part came off as timid and apologetic. 

Jay was kind of a mess by lunchtime, spirits dimmed after spending the whole morning hearing people tell him they didn’t appreciate sales calls while Mike rolled his eyes and gave him almost no positive feedback on his performance. Mike’s hangover was fading a little, and his sympathy activated fully when Jay dropped a plastic bottle of Lite Ranch dressing in the back room as he was getting his lunch together and cursed himself like he’d just committed a felony.

“Goddammit!” Jay said, grabbing for the thing as it bounced away from the fridge and, “Sorry,” apologizing either to the salad dressing or to Mike, who stood watching this in the doorway of the back room. 

“Let me do that,” Mike snapped, and Jay froze, his eyes cutting to Mike’s because he recognized that tone. Mike walked over to him and took the bottle of dressing from his hands. “Sit down,” Mike said, pointing to the little table where they ate their lunch. “Not in the chair,” he snapped when Jay went for one of them. “On the floor, on your knees. That’s right, good. Good boy. Looks like you can’t even handle making your own lunch today.”

He felt like an asshole when Jay’s shoulders flinched and his gaze lowered. Jay was breathing a little harder already, his hands on his bent knees while he sat there on the floor beside the chair he’d tried to take.

“I know I’ve been hard on you,” Mike said, walking over to the table, where Jay’s tupperware container of grilled chicken awaited the Lite dressing that was the only topping he allowed himself. Mike ran his fingers through Jay’s hair and felt him calm a little, saw him bite softly into his bottom lip. “You’ve been good, though. I know you’re trying hard. Let me do this for you. I’ll take care of you during your lunch break, how’s that?”

“Yes,” Jay said, head still lowered. He inched his knees apart a little bit on the floor, maybe because his cock had awakened in response to that promise. “Thank you.”

“Good boy.” Mike sat in the chair beside Jay and popped the top off the tupperware. Jay always ate his boring lunch chicken cold, which was depressing to Mike, but Jay claimed microwaving just made it rubbery. “Open for me,” Mike said, grabbing a piece of chicken. “Good,” he said, staring down at Jay’s reddening cheeks. 

Mike squirted a little dab of dressing onto the chicken. Jay just watched, holding his mouth open while he waited. 

“Here you go,” Mike said, cupping Jay’s jaw with his free hand to tilt his head back just a bit as he pressed the chicken in between Jay’s lips, setting it directly on his tongue. “Chew and swallow,” Mike said when Jay didn’t do so without being told.

Jay obeyed, holding Mike’s gaze with sweet gratitude and chewing with his mouth closed. He licked the creamy white dressing off his lips after swallowing and waited patiently for the next piece of chicken while Mike got it ready for him. 

Jay consumed his whole lunch in this fashion, and they were both hard in their pants when he was done. Mike turned fully toward Jay, opening his legs around Jay while he remained kneeling on the floor. Jay squirmed and pressed his lips together when Mike started opening his jeans, visibly struggling to contain his glee.

“You’ve been well-behaved for me all day,” Mike said. “Gonna let you have some dessert.” 

“Thank you,” Jay breathed out, staring at Mike’s crotch and licking his lips again. 

“Mhm, yeah, you’re still hungry, aren’t ya?” Mike took his cock out with a groan of relief and scooted forward to cup his hand around the back of Jay’s head and rub his dick against Jay’s parted lips. “Need something better than that bland-ass health food, don’tcha?”

“Yes,” Jay said, his mouth moving against Mike’s cockhead while Mike continued teasing it there, making Jay’s lips shiny with precome. “Mm, Mike--” 

“I know, here you go, yeah, _fuck_. Take it in slow like a good boy, that’s it.”

Mike hadn’t planned to do this even when he started up with the lunch-feeding thing, but it was clearly the greatest idea he’d ever had. He leaned back in the chair with a deep sigh and spread his legs wider around Jay, folding his hands behind his head and letting Jay do all the work for now. Jay sunk down on his cock and bobbed back a bit before pressing down again, taking in more, hungry for the whole thing. Mike took a handful of Jay's hair and eased him back off a bit, taking control of the pace so he could make this last for the remainder of their lunch break.

Jay didn’t seem to be in any hurry either. He had his eyes closed and was savoring Mike’s dick like it really was the indulgent dessert he’d been craving. Mike knew Jay loved sweets, that he always gained five or so pounds around the holidays just from snacking on cookies and candy and whatever else was around, from Halloween onward. Mike loved watching Jay take what he wanted. He twitched his hips up a little bit and chuckled under his breath when this made Jay moan.

“You like having your face fucked?” Mike asked, bringing his free hand down to stroke Jay’s cheek.

“Mph,” Jay said, trying to nod. He looked up to meet Mike’s eyes, his mouth still full of dick, and Mike moaned regretfully when this dragged him suddenly much closer to coming. 

“Fuck, you look good like this,” Mike said, shifting his hips up a little more insisently. Jay took it, hands on his bent knees, eyes sinking shut again. He coughed a bit when Mike lifted his hips up again, but didn’t pull off, just drooled around Mike’s dick and bobbed his head. 

Mike came with a low groan, and only after Jay had swallowed it all down did Mike consider that they hadn’t locked the shop’s front door when they headed to the back room for lunch. Jay sank back onto his knees when Mike nudged him off his dick, his face lifted and eyes bright, looking like he wanted his next order. Mike rubbed a hand over his face to clear the lingering buzz from his mind, told himself to get it together and craned his neck to make sure no angry customer was waiting at the counter with a partial view of what was going on in the break room. When he saw the coast was clear he shifted his eyes back to Jay, who was waiting patiently.

“Good boy,” Mike said, still catching his breath. He tousled Jay’s hair fondly, then regretted it when this messed up his swoop. Mike tried to fix it with his fingers, making it worse in the process. “Go get me my lunch,” he said when he gave up. “It’s in the fridge, a taco wrapped in foil.” 

“Yes sir,” Jay said, avoiding Mike’s eyes as he rose to his feet. He was hard in his jeans and walking awkwardly, but he hurried to do what Mike had asked him. 

“Thank you,” Mike said, wrapping his arm around Jay’s waist when he returned. He guided Jay down into his lap and reached around Jay to unwrap his lunch. Jay sank in as close to Mike’s chest as he could without outright cuddling up to him, clearly battling not to do something like press his face to Mike’s throat or straddle his thigh and hump his hard dick against it. Mike took a bite from the taco, a drink from the soda he’d set out on the table before they started this, and reached down to give Jay’s tented erection a little squeeze.

Jay gasped as quietly as he could, pinching his eyes shut and lifting his feet off the floor until Mike released him. He was panting when he opened his eyes and met Mike’s. 

Mike didn’t say anything, gave him no direction. He kept alternating between having a bite of his lunch, some soda from the can, and teasing Jay’s hard dick. Jay eventually gave up on trying to stay upright in Mike’s lap and jammed his face against Mike’s throat needfully. Mike allowed it, enjoying Jay’s pleading little whimpers too much to scold him. 

“Now I have a question for you, Jay,” Mike said when he’d finished eating. He rested his palm very lightly over Jay’s straining dick, heard him swallow a yelp. Jay was shaky and sensitive, had been teased for almost an hour if the feeding counted, and Mike was pretty sure it did. “Sit up for me,” Mike said, giving Jay’s cock a hard tap with his thumb. 

Jay gasped and did so, showing Mike his blazing face and begging eyes. Mike kissed the tip of Jay’s nose. 

“Would you rather come in your pants and leave it in there for the rest of the day,” Mike asked, “Or let this naughty cock go soft for however long it takes and sit through the rest of your shift like a good boy?”

“Good-- I want to be good,” Jay said, hurrying this out, his eyes going wide. “I, I mean, if, if that’s, ah. What you want.”

“Oh.” Mike grinned and closed his hand tighter around Jay’s cock. It fit almost perfectly in Mike’s palm when fully hard. “You think I might sometimes want you to be bad, Jay?” Mike asked, rubbing him a little. “Is that the basis of your question?”

Jay looked at Mike like _the basis of your question_ was a phrase too advanced for him to process just then. He blinked some of the mugginess from his eyes and looked down at Mike’s teasing hand on his crotch, then back up into Mike’s eyes. 

“No?” Jay said, sounding like he had no clue. 

“Jay, Jay. Poor little Jay. I _do_ want you to be bad sometimes, but only when it means you’re still being good for me, for my purposes. Like when you’re being so bad, like now, acting like a little slut who needs it all the time, hard and needy at work, getting your panties wet while you’re still on the clock.”

Mike grinned at the look on Jay’s face. Jay looked stunned, a little scared, extremely turned on and unsure about how to proceed. His hands were curled against Mike’s chest, shaky.   
  
“Please just tell me what to do,” Jay said, his voice trembling. 

“That’s what I’m saying,” Mike said, rubbing Jay’s back. “You’re doing it. You’re a bad boy, Jay, because you want to come. Don’t lie, I know you do. You’d love it if I got on my knees right now and sucked you dry, wouldn’t you?”

“I, no--!”

“It’s okay, Jay, shhh.” Mike leaned up to bring his lips to Jay’s ear, which was burning hot like the rest of him. “That might mean you’re a bad boy, that you’d be in big trouble if a customer or a rep from corporate walked in here right now, but, listen, hey. It means you’re being so good for me, even so. And what matters more than that?”

“Nothing,” Jay answered on cue, pulling his legs up like he wanted to curl all of himself against Mike’s chest. “Sir,” he added, barely audible, like he couldn’t hold it in, eyes lowered. 

“Mhmm, that’s right. I’m gonna take care of your little prick for you, Jay, don’t worry. But, ah, look.” Mike dug his cell phone from his pocket and showed it to Jay, making a tsk-ing noise. “Two minutes after one o’clock. Lunch break is over, so we have to get back to work for now. Go on,” Mike nudged at Jay, prodding him to stand. Jay managed it, slowly. “There you go, good. I’ll clean up our lunch stuff. You go man the front counter, get your mind back on your work so your cock will get soft and stop hurting.” 

Jay whined and nodded, stumbling in his steps as he headed back to the front room to do as Mike asked.

Mike felt out of control again, even kind of dizzy as he threw away the foil from his taco and rinsed Jay’s little tupperware container out for him. He’d planned to take a day or two off from doing this at all, and to stop fucking around during their actual shift, instead saving it for after they’d locked up. It was too risky, both of them getting into the habit of giving into this thing all the time. But here they were, less than twenty-four hours after Mike had made this resolution, Jay hard in his pants and sitting out there with the taste of Mike’s come on his tongue. And Mike wasn’t sorry about either thing, really. 

He splashed some cold water on his face to get rid of the renewed hardon that was threatening to rise in his pants and returned to the front room, avoiding Jay’s eager, searching stare. Mike sat in his chair and allowed himself a final glance over at Jay’s persisting erection, standing up sad and untended against the crotch of Jay’s jeans, then shook his head at himself and pulled up financial spreadsheets on the computer, staring at them in an unseeing way until Jay sighed in defeat and picked up a vendor’s VCR parts brochure to page through.

“You see the preview for that new Harrison Ford movie?” Mike asked after a few minutes, testing to see how cognizant or not Jay was. “With the fucking CGI dog?”

“I heard about it,” Jay said, without looking up from the vendor brochure. He hadn't gone totally soft in his jeans, but he seemed calm and okay. “Sounds like shit.”

“It _looks_ like shit! Like, almost unbelievable shit. Here, I’ll pull it up.”

The rest of their work day was normal. Jay’s dick softened in his pants and Mike mentally carded through ways to get him off after they locked up. He finally decided he’d gone way too long without eating Jay out, and that he wanted to see if Jay could come just from that.

Jay almost did, with his naked legs slung over Mike’s shoulders in the back room, folded almost in half on the couch while Mike devoured him. When finally it had been so long that Mike was sure his stubble was chafing Jay’s tender inner thighs, his hole puffy and bright pink from all Mike’s attention, Mike had mercy on him and gave his cock a couple of languid licks before taking it fully into his mouth. Jay shouted, pulled his own hair with two hands, and jackknifed his little dick up into Mike’s mouth as he unloaded with a low, maybe regretful groan, like he thought he would be punished for humping Mike’s mouth in his moment of ecstasy.

Mike didn’t actually mind, but he did linger on Jay’s cock after it was spent and oversensitive, until Jay was hissing and twisting in Mike’s grip. Mike just really liked having Jay’s cock in his mouth, even when it was all soft and tender and shrinking back up on Mike’s greedy tongue.

“Fuck,” Mike said when he pulled off, grinning. He felt high, in some weird way. Jay looked wrecked, his chest heaving. Mike had unbuttoned Jay’s work shirt so he could reach up and tug on Jay’s nipples while he ate him out, and both were red and sore-looking, standing up in two hard buds. “You’re so perfect,” Mike said, rubbing his hands up over Jay’s thighs and belly. 

Jay made a pleased sound and unclenched the fists he’d made while tugging on his hair, sliding his hands down over his body to timidly rest them on top of Mike’s. The praise seemed to shift him from mindless mess to blissed out and sweet, and he rubbed his fingers over Mike’s knuckles, his legs still splayed open around Mike’s sides. Mike was hard, and he wanted to fuck Jay probably more than he’d ever wanted anything, which told him he shouldn’t, not yet. He wanted to be totally in control the first time he took that long, deep slide into Jay’s ass, not in this floaty, happy mode where all he wanted to do was tell Jay he was perfect over and over. 

Mike stood up and had Jay suck him off again rather than offering a fuck, saving that for later. He invited Jay to the bar with him afterward, just to see how it would go. On the walk there, Jay was quiet and smiley, bumping his shoulder against Mike’s arm. 

“You swallowed my load twice today,” Mike said, kind of wanting to talk about this like rational people who weren’t playing a sex game, though he wasn’t sure what he had to say about it outside of their ongoing battle. “That was really good,” he said when Jay looked over at him uncertainly. “Love the way you, uh. Take care of my dick. S’good.” 

“You’ve got a nice one,” Jay said. He flushed after saying so and looked away. “Sorry,” he muttered. 

“Nothing to apologize for, Jay. I feel the same way about yours.”

Jay snorted and gave Mike a different kind of questioning look, sharper and less embarrassed, more like Mike was the embarrassing one now. Mike shrugged and thought it was probably a mistake, going out drinking together while they were in the midst of this thing. But he’d missed drinking with Jay too much to back out of it. 

They got their usual table at the bar, and Mike limited himself to two pints. Jay followed his lead, though he also drank a tequila shot that an old man at the bar sent to their table, then snickered mercilessly when Mike glared at the old man to warn him off.

“That old codger didn’t think he could actually get me,” Jay said when they were walking back toward the shop, where Mike had left his car the night before. “He just wanted to see me drink his shot.” 

“Yeah, and you did it,” Mike said, annoyed by this. 

“I did it for you,” Jay said. He was smirking when Mike looked over at him, eyes bright in the moonlight. “To get you to glare at him for me. And you did it, and that fucker was scared. Thanks.” 

“You-- You’re so fucking weird,” Mike mumbled. 

Jay just snickered again and shoved against Mike with his shoulder, until they were both stumbling and laughing. 

Mike drove Jay home. When they were parked outside of Jay’s apartment building, Jay looked over at Mike hopefully. Jay had always been a good looking guy, in Mike’s opinion, even when he was rough around the edges with crooked teeth and chubby cheeks. But in the past week or so he’d gone into some other territory for Mike, even beyond those years when he’d gotten so chiseled and glowing that his show-offy hotness was annoying the shit out of Mike on a daily basis. Now Jay was something even more agonizing in Mike’s view, sort of painfully gorgeous when he looked at Mike like this, like he wanted something real bad but was afraid to ask for it. 

“What?” Jay said, when Mike had been staring at him in angry silence for ten seconds or so. 

“Nothing,” Mike said. He wanted to lean over for a kiss and taste that tequila on Jay’s lips, along with a trace of lingering bitterness from those two loads Jay had swallowed for him, which seemed like it had taken place in an alternate universe that had little to do with the dark parking lot where they were currently sitting in Mike’s car, which was why Mike didn’t even try for a peck on the cheek. Jay would probably laugh or something. He had his own fucked up rules for this. Mike couldn’t judge him, and didn’t want to cheat by asking for a list of Jay’s secret rules. The fun of this was trying to figure it out as they went.

For one definition of fun, anyway, Mike thought, watching Jay climb out of the car with a wave. Mike felt a heaviness in his chest that was kinda good, kinda awful. He told himself to get over it and drove away, only glancing once at the rear view to make sure Jay had made it into his apartment’s front lobby securely. 

*

Mike was only able to wait another week before he decided he couldn’t go any longer without fucking Jay’s ass, but this capitulation wasn’t purely due to his own weakness and want. The timing was just right: after Mike made more calls about their special sale pricing, they got a glut of new work orders and spent the week when they ran the deal busting ass to get everything done. Jay was working especially hard on the repairs while Mike handled the customer side of things, arranging drop-offs and pick-ups and shooting the shit with their regulars when they came in wanting to blather at someone who was at least paid to pretend to care about their obsession with vintage tech. On the third day of the special, Mike went into the back room to check on Jay after saying goodbye to a customer and found Jay sucking on the end of one of his fingers, wincing a little.

“Lemme see,” Mike said, walking over to him. Jay was working at their lunch table, parts and tools spread across it, because his back had been hurting after two days of working at the front counter, and also because he liked to hide from the customers. 

Jay presented his sore hand to Mike, showing him the little cut on the end of the finger he’d been sucking on. Mike made a disapproving noise under his breath at the state of Jay’s hands in general, lifting the other one to take a look at it, too. Jay’s fingers were raw-looking in several spots, and tight with tension from holding tiny repair tools all day. 

“Let me take over on this one,” Mike said, rubbing his thumbs in against Jay’s palms so he’d unclench a little. 

Jay sighed. “I really don’t want to do the front counter stuff. I’m fine, it’s almost done.”

“Poor Jay,” Mike said softly, bringing Jay’s hands up to his mouth. He kissed Jay’s curled fingers one at a time while Jay held his gaze, waiting to see where this would go. They were too busy to fuck around, and Mike had lacked the energy to do anything really creative when they closed up at night all week, had simply been taking Jay to the back room to exchange blow jobs before driving Jay home. He didn’t want their routine to get stale or for the tension that coiled between them to drain into something easy and familiar. 

He decided this would be the night. He’d take Jay bare and stay inside him until they were both losing their minds from it. Holding Jay’s gaze and licking softly at the pads of his fingers, he wondered if Jay could see it in his eyes, if he even needed to be told what Mike had in store for him or could just feel it coming already. Jay was breathing a little faster and had stepped closer to Mike, maybe without realizing it.

Mike cursed when he heard the bell on the shop’s front door. He gave Jay’s palm a wide lick and dropped his hands. 

“Finish that up, then,” Mike said, nodding to the VCR on the table. “I’ll deal with the customer.”

“Thanks,” Jay said, and he smiled up at Mike, sheepish. 

Mike wanted to kiss him so bad. That grateful fucking smile, jesus christ. He groaned under his breath and turned to go greet the customer who was ringing the bell on the front counter like an asshole.

The rest of the day passed too slowly, and Mike’s mind was elsewhere even while he spoke to customers. He fake-laughed at their stupid jokes in a way he normally didn’t stoop to, not caring about anything but his awareness of Jay in the back room, working hard for Mike and wanting what he’d only dared to ask for once, wondering when he’d get it. 

Mike periodically leaned in the doorway of the back room just to admire Jay and give him smirking stares, holding Jay’s curious gaze when he looked up from his work to try to puzzle out what Mike was thinking.

If only you knew, Mike thought, locking eyes with Jay toward the end of the shift, when they had less than half an hour left on the clock. Jay would be a shaky mess, hard in his pants, if Mike had even hinted that tonight was the night.

Jay didn’t say anything or protest Mike’s intense stares. He just gave Mike little half-smiles and got back to work, poking his tongue out between his lips when he was really concentrating, maybe because Mike was watching and he wanted to look extra cute.

Mike didn’t close up a second before their posted hours, didn’t want to ruin his perfect sense of anticipation by cheating even a little. His cock wasn’t hard but felt sort of awake and sensitive already when he finally locked the front door and flipped the sign to CLOSED, as if he’d been edging himself all day just with his own thoughts, and by taking little breaks to stare hungrily at Jay, plotting. He turned off the lights in the front room and stretched his arms up over his head, moaning when his back cracked pleasantly. It had been a long day. A long week, long month, long nine fuckin’ years of wanting Jay the way he did. He exhaled in a choppy breath and headed for the back room. He already had lube stashed between the cushions of the sofa where he was about to claim his prize after all this waiting.

Jay was still bent over the fourth VCR he’d worked on that day, close to finishing. He glanced up to see Mike coming in, then turned back to his work. 

“Your posture’s not great,” Mike said, approaching him. “Don’t your shoulders hurt?”

“They’re killing me,” Jay said, still bent over the machine while carefully settling a thin rubber belt into place within in. 

“Sit up straight,” Mike said, sharply, so there would be no mistaking what he was up to. 

Jay grunted and released the belt when it was secured, pinching his eyes shut like it hurt to straighten his back. He sighed and leaned into it when Mike came to stand behind him and put his hands on Jay’s shoulders.

“Oh fuck,” Jay said when Mike started kneading the tense muscles there, digging his thumbs into Jay’s aching back while rubbing his shoulders with his fingers. “Yuh, yeah, Mike, fuck--” 

“Shh,” Mike said, bending down to kiss the top of Jay’s head. “Shift’s over, Jay. Gonna take care of you now.”

“Okay,” Jay said, his voice getting small the way it did, when they did this. “Thank you.”

“Mhm. You worked so hard for me today. Least I can do.”

Jay made a soft noise and let his eyes stay half-shut, lids heavy while Mike rubbed up along the back of his neck, feeling Jay’s skin get hotter for his touch. Mike was gonna fuck him so right, so hard, would make Jay his forever once and for all. He wouldn’t even have to say it out loud. Jay would feel it, when Mike was inside him like that. He would just fucking know.

“God that’s so good,” Jay said when Mike kept on rubbing his shoulders and neck, taking his time. “Your, um. You have huge fucking hands, Mike.”

“Yeah, I know. You like that, don’t you?”

“Mph. Yeah.” Jay sounded a little embarrassed to admit it, not quite gone enough to get shameless yet. Mike dragged his thumbs up along the back of Jay’s neck, slow, and grinned when Jay shivered. 

“You like my big dick, too,” Mike said, scratching his fingers through Jay’s hair with a touch that was more condescending, like Jay was his breakable little thing. “Don’t you?”

“Mhm,” Jay said. His eyes were closed, and his hands were resting over his thighs under the work table, fingers twitching. “Yeah,” he admitted, softly. 

“Hmm, are you sure, though? I know you like staring at it, and sucking on it, but you haven’t had it inside you yet. Not _deep_ inside, I mean, not where you really want it. How can we be sure you like it before you’ve really tried it out?”

Jay sucked in his breath. He shuddered all over when Mike rubbed his fingers over the back of his neck again, just barely tickling them over his skin. 

“I--” Jay said, sounding like he was afraid to say the wrong thing and spoil this, or just afraid to hope that Mike was really offering this to him at last. “I, um--” 

“Tell you what,” Mike said, stepping away from Jay and folding his arms over his chest, facing him. “Since you’ve worked so hard today, I’ll let you have a special treat. I’ll let you keep my cock warm while I drink my after work beer, and if you do a good enough job, holding it deep inside you like a good boy, I’ll let you ride it. If you’re _really_ good, I’ll come inside you and send you home wet.” 

Jay swallowed a bitten-off moan, nodding. His blush was spreading from the bridge of his nose and outward across his cheeks in the pretty way it did, and his hands slid from his thighs to grip the seat of his chair.

“Yes,” Jay said, staring up at Mike, flustered just from hearing this. “Please.” 

“Good boy. Now go get me a beer. I’ll meet you on the sofa.” 

*


	6. Chapter 6

Mike took his dick out while Jay fetched a beer from the fridge across the room. Jay popped the cap off the beer bottle and returned to the sofa, where Mike was stroking himself to full hardness and maintaining a fake casual pose, his other arm stretched across the back of the sofa, the expression on his face somewhere between amusement and expectation. He’d pushed his pants and boxers down to pool around his ankles, because he’d gotten the impression Jay liked the sight of his bare thighs, and he hadn’t unbuttoned his work shirt yet but was planning to. They’d both gotten into the habit of not wearing undershirts, so that they could have easier access to each other’s chests at work if necessary. Mike had noticed that Jay liked that part of him, too. He was starting to feel like there wasn’t anything about him that Jay didn’t like, at least physically, and he spread his legs a little wider for Jay’s enjoyment as Jay stood there with the beer, looking dumbfounded and tenting his jeans. 

“C’mere,” Mike said, beckoning with the hand that wasn’t gripping his cock. “Don’t be nervous. This is your reward.” 

“I’m not,” Jay muttered, and he walked forward, holding the beer with both hands before passing it to Mike. “I, um. Should I, like, take my pants off, or--” 

“Yeah, that’d probably be conducive to you taking my dick. Take your shirt off, too. You can leave your socks on if you want. I know it’s cold back here. Turn the space heater on, okay?”

Jay nodded, looking glad to have this series of commands. Mike sipped from the beer and watched Jay scurry over to flick the space heater on before unbuttoning his jeans, standing near the heater so the chill on his freshly bare skin would be lessened. Mike tipped his head back onto the sofa cushions and drank more beer, watching from under heavy eyelids as Jay stripped for him. Jay took everything off, even his socks, and stood there hard and uncertain again when he was naked and beet red from his cheeks to his collarbones. His dick was just as red, jutting out straight and pointed at Mike.

“I got this for you,” Mike said, digging the lube out from between the sofa cushions. “So don’t be scared.”

“I’m not scared.” Jay frowned and flexed forward onto his toes, then back onto his heels. “I’m, ah. I’m not a virgin, Mike.”

“Didn’t think you were. But you’ve never had one this big, I bet.”

Mike gave himself a long, lazy stroke, as if Jay needed a reminder about his dimensions.

“I--” Jay said, his mouth moving stupidly while he stared at Mike’s dick. “No, um. Haven’t.” 

“Mhmm, well. I’ll let you get yourself ready. You know your ass better than I do.” Mike knew Jay would hate this, that he wanted Mike’s fingers if he had to do any prep at all. “Come over here, I want to watch.” 

“Watch-- Oh.”

Jay climbed onto the sofa and sat on his knees, close to Mike but not touching him. He took the lube from Mike and looked down at it sadly, then back up at Mike. He seemed to be weighing whether or not he should ask if Mike would please do the prep for him, was still thinking too much. 

“Turn around,” Mike said, doing a circular motion with his finger to demonstrate. “Unless you’d rather do it on your back, with your legs pulled up. Your choice.”

Jay whined at being given a choice, his eyebrows pulling together. He was about to finally get Mike’s dick and was still so greedy, barely suppressing the urge to ask for other things. 

“Do you need me to spank you?” Mike asked, mildly, like he’d be doing Jay a favor. 

“No, I--”

“Then hurry up and do what I asked to you like a good boy. That’s right. Good.”

Jay had turned to show Mike his back, leaning down onto his shaking arms and popping open the lube. Mike made a pleased sound under his breath and caressed Jay’s ass, pulling his cheeks apart a little and moaning in approval when Jay reached back to slot his much smaller hand in between them. Jay was panting against the sofa cushions, his dick hanging heavy and hard between his spread legs while he let Mike watch this. Mike was tempted to stroke Jay’s cock, maybe make him come while he fingered himself, but he held back, because making him wait to come until Mike had unloaded inside him would be so good, better. Jay was a mess already, nervously circling his hole with a wet finger like he didn’t even know how to do this, suddenly. 

“There you go,” Mike said, helpfully holding him open with one hand while Jay gripped the opposite ass cheek with his free hand. Teamwork, Mike thought, almost laughing, almost nervous. He’d stopped touching his cock now that Jay wasn’t watching, didn’t want to get himself too wound up, was planning on staying inside Jay for a good while. He drank some more beer and moaned approvingly when Jay pushed one short finger into himself and followed it quickly with another. “Good, Jay, that’s right. Get yourself ready for me, yeah. Like that, good. Nice and slow. Keep going.” 

Jay sighed, and Mike saw a tremor move across his shoulders, down his back. Mike rubbed his thumb over the tender skin on the inside of Jay’s ass cheek, moving in close enough to where Jay was fingering himself to tease him with the reminder that Mike’s fingers were so much thicker. He knew Jay just wanted to surrender completely, to not have to do any of this himself, but they were still working up to that. Mike would probably have to babysit brainless Jay for hours after they finally did it that way, with Mike in charge of absolutely everything. He was curious about how Jay would get after a good, hard fucking, considering how he came apart just for jerking off while Mike watched. 

“Does that feel good?” Mike asked, voice soft, his thumb soothing over Jay’s increasingly sweltering skin. 

“Not as good as when you do it,” Jay said, in trembly little voice that might have been put-on to tempt Mike to take over. 

“Mhm,” Mike said, giving Jay’s ass a light slap for that. Jay stilled in response, and Mike saw his hole clench up tight around his fingers.

Mike bit his lip to hold in some wanton noise. God, he was going to be in there, all fucking in, feeling that overwhelmed clench on his cock. The top of his head was gonna blow off, probably. 

“Sorry,” Jay said, without being prompted. He rested his head on the arm of the sofa and started moving his fingers again, twisting them and spreading his thighs wider.

“It’s okay,” Mike said, stroking Jay’s ass cheek with his thumb again. “I know what you like. But you’re being so good for me, Jay. Doing this part for me, with your tired little fingers.” Mike had been ready to tell him not to use the one with the cut on it, but Jay hadn’t needed him to. Jay was less brainless than he pretended to be in the lead-up, Mike had noticed, which made him wonder how much of the aftermath was an act. “Poor Jay, you’re almost done. How’s that feeling? Feel like you can take this big cock yet?”

“I want it,” Jay said, voice breaking, not quite answering the question.

“I know, and you’re gonna get it, don’t worry. You’re doing so well for me, getting that sweet little hole ready to be fucked.” 

Jay hiccuped and nodded against the arm of the sofa, moving his fingers faster. Mike debated asking him to put another one in, but his patience was wearing down. He took hold of Jay’s wrist and stilled his hand, stroking the delicate skin on the underside of Jay’s wrist in a way that made Jay shiver and clench around his fingers again.

“Let me see, Jay,” Mike said, keeping his voice soft as he pulled lightly on Jay’s wrist, extracting his fingers slowly. Jay groaned with relief and let his arm fall limp against the sofa cushions when Mike released it. “Hmm,” Mike said, thumbing at Jay’s pinked-up hole. He still looked impossibly tight, tiny. “Gonna check and see if you’re ready for me,” Mike said.

Jay nodded and arched his back, offering himself, begging. 

Mike slid two fingers in and heard Jay’s breath catch at the stretch that two of his own fingers couldn’t have adequately prepared him for. Jay took it well, edging his hips back to try to get more of that thickness, that burn, arching deeper into the feeling of being filled. The pretty way his back curved into it, the compact size of him and the way his shoulders trembled, like he was scared of how much he wanted-- All of it made him look like he was made for this, at least to Mike, who was admittedly biased.

“So tight,” Mike murmured, rubbing the small of Jay’s back with his other hand while he pressed his fingers in as deep as they would go. “You sure you’ll be able to take me? Don’t want to hurt you.”

Jay made a sob-like sound, maybe panicked at the thought that Mike might retract his promise to fuck him. He lifted his head from the arm of the sofa.

“I can take it,” he promised, his voice a shaky mess. “Please, please, Mike, I need you. It-- I need, ah. That, to be, you inside me, please--”

“Shh, okay, Jay, you’re babbling, calm down. Gonna give you what you need.” 

Mike pulled his fingers out and leaned forward to give Jay’s left ass cheek a sharp, wet kiss, then did the same to the right one. 

“C’mere,” he said, squeezing Jay’s hip. “Get in my lap like a good boy, let me give you what you need.”

Jay catapulted himself onto Mike so urgently that he nearly knocked the breath out of him, straddling Mike’s lap and throwing his arms around Mike’s neck, hiding his face there. Mike planned to turn him around when they fucked, wanted to open his shirt and let Jay feel Mike’s chest against his bare back while he rode Mike’s cock, and he opened his mouth to give this direction but couldn’t voice it yet. Jay was trembly and clinging, seemed to need a moment. Mike shushed him and rubbed his back, let him catch his breath.

“Sorry,” Jay said, his burning face still pressed to Mike’s throat. 

“For what?” Mike asked, and he squeezed the back of Jay’s neck. “You’re doing so well. Nothing to be sorry for.”

Jay exhaled in a hot little huff against Mike’s throat and sat back, meeting Mike’s eyes shyly. Mike still couldn’t tell if Jay did the lip bite thing on purpose or if it was a nervous tic, but he was doing it now and it was fucking working, making Mike go liquid at his center. Jay was red-faced, searching Mike’s eyes for something. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jay asked, sounding embarrassed and like he was pretty sure the answer would be no.

“'Course you can,” Mike said, spoiling the game by stating one of his rules: that Jay could always kiss him, never needed to ask permission. Mike didn’t give a fuck in the moment, because Jay was leaning in to press his mouth to Mike’s, not quite timid but clearly wanting direction, his tongue sliding soft against Mike’s lips when they parted for him. 

Mike moaned and pushed his tongue into Jay’s mouth. Jay was so hot inside, eager and sweet when he opened to let Mike in, and Mike was about to be in him so much deeper. Mike had never kissed someone with this much facial hair before, and he found he liked it, that the roughness made the slick heat of Jay’s lips and tongue feel even nicer in contrast. 

“Mhm,” Mike said, unable to help himself when Jay pulled back and gave him a look like he was checking to see if he’d done that right. “You taste good,” Mike said, reaching down to squeeze Jay’s ass with both hands. 

“You taste like beer,” Jay said, and he smirked. “So, also good.”

“Ha,” Mike said, not sure why he was hurt by that.

“Um.” Jay squirmed and looked down at Mike’s dick, which was jammed against the inside crease of Jay’s left thigh. “How, uh, how do you want me?”

“I want you keeping me warm while I finish this,” Mike said, lifting his beer to wave it in Jay’s face. “I told you.”

“Oh, so--”

“Turn around, Jay.” 

Jay looked like he wasn’t sure what that meant, in the context of their current positions, but he figured it out after Mike gave him a humorless stare. Jay turned awkwardly on Mike’s spread-apart legs, still straddling him, showing Mike his pretty back again. 

“Good,” Mike said, sensing that Jay needed a hit of praise. He rubbed his hands up between Jay’s shoulderblades and let his heavy dick rest against the crack of Jay’s ass and all the way up to the small of his back, heard Jay suck in a sharp breath for the feeling. Mike reached for the lube. “You’re gonna be my cockwarmer while I drink this beer,” he said, starting to unbutton his work shirt with his other hand. “Shouldn’t be too difficult. I’ll let you bounce on me if you stay still and keep me nice and warm until I’m ready.” 

“I, yeah, okay--” 

“All you have to do is sink down on me,” Mike said, slicking himself up and pulling his shirt open at the same time, feeling clumsy and impatient. “Then you can just let me take over.”

“Fuck,” Jay said, nodding and half turning to show Mike his hot cheek. “Yeah. Okay.” 

“Don’t rush it,” Mike said when he was as ready as he’d ever be, throbbing with the need to be inside Jay but also starting to worry that he was the one who wouldn’t be able to stay still once they were locked together. “There you go,” Mike said, helping Jay shift up into position. 

Mike’s heart was slamming. Jay’s legs were shaking. They both made a broken little noise when Mike rubbed his cockhead in where Jay was probably not quite ready for him. 

Mike felt like: okay, neither of them would ever be completely ready for how this was going to feel, or for whatever came next, which was why they’d waited nine years to try it. Didn’t matter now, though. Mike sure as shit didn’t want to go back, and he was pretty sure he’d break Jay’s brain for good if he didn’t give him what he wanted after all that build up. 

Jay whined at the stretch even before Mike’s cockhead was all the way in. Mike whispered praise and pet Jay’s sides, watching, not even sure what he was saying except his usual stream of _good boy, that’s good_ , and Jay’s name. Mike was sweating, and the shaking going on was maybe not entirely from Jay being perched on Mike’s lap, leaning forward to brace his hands on Mike’s knees while Mike held Jay’s ass cheeks apart with one hand and guided himself in with the other. 

Mike groaned when he popped inside. Jay cursed, his shoulders curled forward. Mike considered asking if Jay was okay, but that might shake his confidence, and Jay was wiggling his hips down, incremental but determined, panting as he worked more of Mike into him.

Mike couldn’t let himself think about how good it already felt, having his cock pushing steadily inside like that, watching Jay work so hard for him and take it well, not heedlessly or without difficulty but with a kind of pride and toughness that made Mike’s heart swell. Mike kept petting him and kept the praise coming, trying to keep his head on straight while tampering down mindless waves of building want. He allowed himself to briefly imagine how it would feel to shove up inside Jay and feel him clench hard around the intrusion in breathless shock. They’d try that some other time, Mike figured, when Jay was used to him. Because they were going to do this so goddamn often, from now on: Mike was already in love with it, and hated himself a little for waiting. He chewed hard on his bottom lip, digging his teeth in it until it hurt, fighting to keep his hips perfectly still while Jay kept working himself down, taking more and more of Mike and half-sobbing in what sounded like disbelief when he reached back and felt how much more of him there still was before he came to the base.

“So close, Jay,” Mike said when he was almost all in. Mike had one hand resting gentle on Jay’s shoulder while he held Jay open around his dick with the other, needing to see every inch of himself disappear into him. “You’re doing so well, fucking perfect. Fuck, and I knew you would be, _mph_. So perfect for me. Like always. Jay.” 

Mike was pretty sure he felt just as overcome as Jay by the time Jay settled fully onto him with a groan of something like victory that came from deep in his chest. They were both breathing hard, ragged, and Mike’s arms shook a little when he wrapped them around Jay, nudging him so he’d shift back and rest against Mike’s chest. Jay gasped when doing so shifted Mike inside him. He seemed glad for the increased physical contact when they were fully pressed together, his shoulders jumping in overstimulated little twitches against Mike’s pecs. Mike stroked Jay’s chest and whispered into his ear, telling him how good he was, barely restraining himself from confessing that Jay was the best fucking thing in his life by far, by a million fucking miles. He was afraid his voice would crack if he said anything like that. 

Jay felt like wave after wave of surrendered, blood-hot paradise around Mike’s dick, tight and clenching in involuntary pulses while he tried to get his breathing normal, his head tipped back onto Mike’s shoulder. He was still half hard, and his dick fattened up again when Mike gave it a few firm strokes. 

“How you doin’?” Mike asked when Jay blinked his eyes open, staring in an unseeing way up at the drop-tile ceiling of the back room. 

“Fuh,” Jay said, closing his eyes again. He swallowed, and Mike felt it on his cock, tried not to groan. “Just, unh. Mike.” 

“Yeah?”

“You’re, so, it’s-- Just. So fucking deep, juh. Jesus.”

“Mhm, yeah, I-- God, you feel good.” Mike hugged his arms tighter around Jay and gave himself two seconds to bury his face against Jay’s cheek and breathe in the sweat-damp warmth of his scent. When the two seconds were up, Mike sighed and remembered his plan, reached for his beer. “Want some?” he asked, bringing the rim of the bottle to Jay’s lips.

Jay nodded tiredly and lifted his head just enough to drink from the bottle when Mike tipped it into his mouth. Just the feeling of Jay swallowing while seated on his dick made Mike feel heady and hot all over. He took a sip himself and tried to pull his head out of the goddamn clouds. He had a job to do now, for Jay, who’d done his part so well.

“Doing good so far,” Mike said, dragging his fingertips across Jay’s flushed chest. He tweaked one nipple, then the other, watching Jay’s face and his struggle to not squirm away from the teasing or arch his back for more. “Good boy,” Mike said, and he grinned at the way Jay’s features relaxed when he heard those words, his shoulders softening back against Mike’s chest. Jay’s dick was rock hard again, flat against his belly. His legs were spread wide around Mike’s, thighs tensing a little at moments before going boneless again.

They stayed like that for some period that seemed to exist outside of time, at least for Mike. He could feel Jay growing increasingly desperate to move, also to come, but he stayed still except to accept sips from the beer while Mike took his time finishing it, and his hardon didn’t flag even a little, just drooled precome onto his belly. Mike didn’t touch him there, the hand that wasn’t holding his beer bottle roaming everywhere else on Jay’s surrendered body while Mike’s cock throbbed deep inside him. Mike was ready to fuck for real but also wasn’t, wanted this to last forever. To placate Jay, he kept whispering praise into his ear as the minutes ticked on, until Jay was smiling absently, eyes closed, and shivering for every brush of Mike’s lips against his ear, then again when Mike spoke the words he wanted to hear, telling him how well he was doing, how he’d just have to wait a little bit longer, just had to keep being good.

Mike said made a satiated sound of over-dramatic relish when he’d swallowed down the last gulp from his beer. He thunked the bottle onto the table beside the sofa, loud enough to get Jay’s attention. Jay’s shoulders flinched a little. He turned his face against Mike’s throat with a sigh. Jay had been sort of drifting, responsive to every touch and word from Mike but also lost somewhere inside the feeling of waiting, only humming softly under his breath in response to most of Mike’s questions. He was so hot, inside and out, his sweaty back stuck to Mike’s chest. Even with it pulled open in front, Mike’s work shirt felt uncomfortably warm around his arms and across his back, but he didn’t remotely care.

“I’m all finished, Jay,” Mike said, meaning with the beer. He pinched Jay’s nipples, both at the same time, and licked Jay’s cheek approvingly when Jay whined and clenched up tight around his cock, otherwise not moving. “You did so fucking well, holding that big cock inside you, keeping me warm. Gonna let you have a reward now. You want it?”

“Yes.” Jay’s eyes fluttered open. He scanned the ceiling like he needed to adjust to the light before turning his face toward Mike’s and looking up at him. “Mike, I want-- What you said, before--”

“I know. It’s all yours, you go ahead and take it.” 

Jay did a weak little moan thing that almost made Mike give in and tip him over onto his hands and knees straight away, but he decided to let Jay try riding him first, mostly just to see how feebly he’d do it in the state he was in. Mike could feel how tired Jay’s legs were, from all the random tensing his thighs had done while he sat there with Mike stuffed inside him, not to mention the long process of his descent when he took Mike in, plus three days of hard work that he’d mostly done standing, before today. 

But Jay wanted it, so Mike let him have it. Mike’s cock was so painfully full by then that he winced when Jay moved on him, holding back the urge to slam upward. Jay hissed at the sensation of moving at last, and leaned forward to brace his hands on Mike’s knees, folding his shins under his thighs to get in a position that allowed leverage. Mike stroked Jay’s sweat-slick back and applied more lube to where they were connected, moaning in approval at the shocked little sounds Jay made when Mike’s wet fingers stroked against where Jay was pulled open wide around him. 

Mike had never really had sex like this before, and was in awe of how Jay made him want things he’d never have the patience for in others. This felt intimate in an unfamiliar way that was almost making Mike feel like some kind of flustered virgin. It was as if the sweet agony of inching toward what they both really wanted was something completely shared, like Mike was pulled open and Jay was inside him, too, just not so literally as the physical reverse.

“There you go,” Mike said when Jay started bouncing on him weakly, gasping with every upward drag of his body and moaning on every downward push, getting Mike way too fucking close to coming already. The friction was nowhere near the pounding Mike was desperate to give him, but Jay’s micro-reactions to every little roll of his tired hips against Mike’s were dragging Mike toward his edge anyway. Jay was a fucking mess, and Mike had made him that way without even needing to move yet.

Mike had planned to tilt Jay over onto his hands and knees when he couldn’t take waiting any longer, but as Jay rode him in the sweetest, saddest effort to get what he really needed, he decided that wouldn’t work, because he needed to see Jay’s face. He pushed two fingers on his clean hand into Jay’s mouth in the meantime, and Jay moaned, sucking on them with shameless enthusiasm before Mike even had them all the way in. 

“Good boy, Jay,” Mike said, smirking when this made Jay clench up around him and rock his hips down faster, suddenly gaining a second wind. Jay’s mouth got wetter around Mike’s fingers, too. He was breathing in heavy little huffs through his nose. “God, you’re so good to me,” Mike said, and he leaned forward to lick Jay’s throat. Jay's skin was burning, slick with sweat. He tasted fucking incredible, better for every moment they ventured further into this. “Aren’t you?” Mike said, and he pulled his fingers from Jay’s mouth, drawing a long whine from him as well. 

“Mike,” Jay said, starting to get frantic in his bouncing, though he could still only seem to do it shallowly, out of timidness or exhaustion, Mike couldn’t tell. 

“Hm? I asked you a question, Jay. Answer me. You’re good to me, ain’t ya? Work so hard for me, make me feel so fucking good--”

Mike rolled his hips up a little, demonstrating how this would feel when Jay wasn’t just doing it alone. Jay shouted and threw his head back, his hips going crazy in response, chest heaving wildly under Mike’s hands with his panted breath.

“Yes,” Jay said when he remembered Mike wanted a response, his head still thrown back, eyes shut. “Yes, yeah, Mike, I-- Want, just. Just fucking take it all, please, god, I want you to.” 

What was ‘it all,’ Mike wondered, distantly. He grunted in Jay’s ear like he knew exactly what to do, because at least in the moment he did, and lifted Jay upward, careful, until his cock slid out of Jay entirely.

Jay sobbed and shook his head. That was the opposite of what he wanted. When Mike lowered him to the sofa, onto his back, Jay looked like he’d lose his mind if this wasn’t corrected soon. 

“Shh,” Mike said, and he dove in to kiss Jay on the mouth, to calm him down. Jay whimpered and looped his arms around Mike’s neck, sucked on Mike’s tongue when it pressed in past his lips. Mike kicked his shoes off while they were kissing, then pulled back just far enough to reach down and get his boxers and jeans pulled over his ankles, yanking both off completely. “Lift up for me,” Mike said when he was naked from the waist down, hovering over Jay and staring into his eyes. He eased Jay’s bent knees up toward his shoulders. “Gonna fuck you now,” Mike promised, holding his gaze, unblinking.

“Yeah,” Jay breathed out, nodding. 

Mike considered more lube, but his cock was already dripping with it and neither of them could wait even half a second longer. Jay pressed up against the intrusion when Mike nudged back into him again, slow at first and then in one long, smooth glide that made them both groan brokenly for how fucking good it felt. 

Mike wanted to say something magically meaningful or at least hot, but he couldn’t even form thoughts at that point, just started rocking into Jay, staring down into his face and watching every micro-expression while he resisted the urge to slam in harder and harder, until he wasn’t resisting at all and they were both throwing their hips into it with everything they had, Jay’s fingers digging bruises into Mike’s biceps while Mike sank his teeth in somewhere between Jay’s neck and shoulder and just kept fucking him, so hard.

Jay cried Mike’s name out at one point, his voice cracking like the weight of being allowed to say it while Mike was pounding into him was too good, too much. Hearing Jay say his name like that, fucking worshipful, made Mike feel even more like a blur of unstoppable energy, outside of his body and helpless to stop everything in him from rushing forth from some much bigger place. When it did, he had no context for that level of perfectly self-evaporating pleasure until he had his mind back and Jay was there, taking it all and shuddering under Mike’s chest because he was coming, too. Then it made sense that this felt like a new height of how good Mike could ever feel, because Jay opened his mouth for Mike’s panting, clumsy kisses and licked at him like he loved it. 

And all the fuck Mike ever wanted to do from then on was anything Jay would love.

Mike heard himself moaning into the kiss like a moron and barely cared, his cock still throbbing with aftershocks inside Jay, who felt soaking wet and soft around him, properly fucked open. Mike pulled back and swept Jay’s wrecked hair back off his forehead, drinking in the awestruck look of content that Jay was projecting up at him. 

“Did you come?” Mike asked, to make sure he hadn’t hallucinated that. 

“Uh huh,” Jay said, and he grinned like this meant he’d gotten away with something, like he’d won. 

Mike had no objection, was ready to hand Jay a trophy. He leaned down to nuzzle at Jay’s cheek, feeling stupid but unable to stop himself. Mike had no playbook for what happened next, and fear was closing in around him like the chill in the room that was starting to creep over his exposed skin as the sex sweat cooled. He gave Jay a peck on the corner of his mouth and pulled out of him slowly, then moved as fast as he could to grab his boxers off the floor and bring them up under Jay’s ass before the sofa could get ruined by the biggest come stain in human history. Mike felt like he’d pumped literal buckets into Jay.

Jay just lay there with Mike’s boxers under his ass, still breathing hard and touching his belly, sliding his other hand through the come he’d sprayed onto his chest. Mike had some of it on his chest, too, and he went for the roll of paper towels, feeling like some nefarious imposter Mike had been the one who had the brilliant idea to do this in the back room at work and not in his cozy bed at home, in his apartment. After they’d wiped themselves off as best they could, Mike grabbed Jay’s hoodie and brought it over to him, helped him put it on.

“You okay?” Mike asked, standing over him. Jay was on his back again and seemed to be in no hurry to dress, pupils still blown. He was also sort of smirking, looking smug. 

“No one’s ever fucked me like that,” Jay said. 

“Like what,” Mike said, maybe starting to not like that smirk so much.

“That hard,” Jay said, “Or, that deep, or, just. That good.”

The way Jay grabbed the drawstrings on his hoodie after saying so, holding them both in his tired little fists, made Mike want to carry him home in a trophy with his name on it. 

“Say thank you,” Mike said, wondering if it would come with a sir.

“Thank you,” Jay said. His eyes changed, and he pulled the hoodie strings into an ‘x’ under his chin, tugging them tight. 

“You’re welcome,” Mike said. He wanted to add: I love you. Why, he had no idea. What would that accomplish? 

They stared at each other as their breathing continued to calm, both internally negotiating what they were willing to give up to keep this feeling, or so Mike assumed, if Jay felt the same lightness and sudden ability to do anything, which Mike found scary. Maybe Jay wasn’t the only one who didn’t love choices.

“I’m gonna fuck you every day now,” Mike said, settling on a strategy that he wasn’t sure was right. He at least felt confident that the first one of them to make a demand would get some kind of advantage. “If you want,” Mike added, because he couldn’t help it. Jay was too sweet-looking in nothing but that hoodie, fake choking himself with its drawstrings while draining his used-up ass onto Mike’s poor boxers.

“Suits me,” Jay said.

Mike couldn’t help but guffaw, because what the fuck was that response? Jay grinned and put one of the hoodie drawstrings in his mouth. He chewed on it, still grinning, while Mike watched fondly.

“Get up,” Mike said, tilting his head toward the door. “Gonna take you home.”

He didn’t tell Jay which home he meant, because he wasn’t even sure about that himself until they were in the car and Mike felt like dropping Jay off at his place and telling him goodnight would be the equivalent of having his spine ripped out. So he drove Jay to his own apartment, and saw Jay chewing his lip to hide his grin when they parked, his eyes ducked away from Mike’s as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

Mike knew this was the end. Game over, Jay won. 

He didn’t give a fuck. Maybe was glad.

This was a real thing, he decided, standing in his shower with Jay in his arms, cleaned up and sleepy. Jay was hiding his face against Mike’s shoulder while they lingered under the hot water, both of them reeling in the dizzying wake of whatever this was. Mike thought: done deal, I’m yours. He kissed Jay’s wet hair and rocked him in his arms. 

Jay was pretty checked out while Mike made dinner, yawning at the kitchen table and offering to help but not really doing anything or even playing on his phone. Mike put it down to sheer exhaustion and did most of the work, not minding, though his back was hurting after the long work week, too. He was glad that it was almost the weekend, but the thought of having no work-week structure around his time spent with Jay, in this new arrangement, made him panic a little. Would they fuck all weekend? Would Jay move in here? Where would his obnoxious record collection go? Mike was not willing to move into Jay’s territory, where everything was neat and alphabetized, accented with Jay’s kitschy Halloween store crap. He liked Jay’s place for what it was, because it felt like Jay’s hyper-personalized little realm and he secretly loved all of Jay’s weird shit, but relocating his life to that space was a concession he wasn’t willing to make. 

He told himself to stop freaking out about living arrangements less than two hours after their first fuck and served Jay macaroni and cheese for dinner, surprised that he hadn’t objected to this unhealthy dinner selection. He assumed Jay was too tired to care. They’d both worked up an appetite. 

“Would you, um--” Jay said, giving Mike a nervous glance after he’d set down a plate for Jay and taken a seat beside him at the table.

“What?” Mike asked, forking up some cheesy mac. 

Jay opened his mouth and shut it again. He shuffled in his seat, quirked his mouth.

“Speak up, Jay,” Mike said, sharpening his tone. “What is it?”

Jay whined and slid out of the chair, onto the floor, onto his knees. For a second Mike thought Jay was going for his dick, but when Jay sat there blinking up at him, bright red across his cheeks and almost wet-eyed with what looked like encroaching embarrassment, Mike realized what he wanted. 

It stabbed at Mike in several ways: he was concerned, also a little relieved. Jay was looking up at Mike like he was the one who’d won this round after all, and they were still playing the game, which was good, because Mike didn’t want to think about their mundane, realistic future together yet.

“Okay,” Mike said, dragging Jay’s plate over toward him. He took a forkful of mac and held it down so Jay could lean in and take a bite, his hands resting on his thighs. Mike thought of saying something else, praising him or whatever, but was really kind of at a loss for words as he watched Jay chew and swallow before peering up at Mike with shining eyes full of gratitude.

“Thank you,” Jay said, his voice a wispy little thing. 

“Um. Yeah, here, have more.”

Mike wanted to ask: what the fuck, man. Did you do this with other guys? With girls? Are you doing this for me? Do you realize I don’t require it? Maybe don’t even like it that much?

He didn’t say anything, just fed Jay bites of mac and cheese between taking bites from his own plate. He didn’t have any beers left in his fridge and was suddenly really wishing for one. This was fucked up, but Mike was the one who’d started them off on a fucked up trajectory and blasted forward without looking back. He had no one to blame but himself, and no energy to discuss this at the moment. Maybe it was just what Jay needed after the emotional intensity of their first time together. Mike could give it to him and get over it, no big deal. 

“C’mere,” Mike said when they were both finished. He turned toward Jay and patted his thigh. 

Jay rose on shaky legs, wincing a little, and dropped gladly into Mike’s lap. Mike hugged his arms around Jay and gave him a long look, rubbing Jay’s bicep. He’d dressed Jay in his too-big clothes again, another old t-shirt and those same drawstring pants, no underwear.

“Get enough to eat?” Mike asked when Jay just stared at him, looking content and unquestioning, like he was just waiting for whatever Mike wanted next. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I’m gonna get in bed and put the TV on. I’ll probably fall asleep like that, um. If you want, I could give you a back rub first. I think you need one.” 

Jay smiled and nodded. He put his hand on Mike’s chest, over his heartbeat. Mike’s heart was racing, maybe from the fatty food. 

“The point is, I want you to stay the night,” Mike said. 

“Okay,” Jay said, still smiling.

“Is that-- I mean. Is that what you want? To stay here?”

“Mike,” Jay said, laughing a little, and he put his arms around Mike’s neck, buried his face against Mike’s throat. “Yeah,” he said, his voice muffled against Mike’s skin. “S’what I want.” 

Mike stopped short of carrying Jay to the bedroom. He told Jay to do the washing up. It was only fair, since Mike had fed him, in more than one sense. Jay did so happily, and Mike went into his bedroom to pace around and fret a little, telling himself everything was fine. Or that it would be. Whatever, they were both tired. If something felt a little-- Off, with Jay, now wasn’t the time to catastrophize about it. 

Jay again refused to use Mike’s toothbrush, even when Mike offered to let him go first. Mike thought this was a little strange, considering the fact that Jay was all for eating out of Mike’s hand, not to mention how eagerly Jay swallowed Mike’s come, but he didn’t push it. He had Jay stretch out in his bed, lying on his stomach and facing the shitty old TV Mike kept in there. Mike wasn’t usually a hipster douche about vintage technology in his personal life, but he did like the comfort of this old set, which he’d grown up with in his bedroom in high school, and he often watched old TNG episodes or reruns of TV shows from the 70s to soothe himself to sleep when he was feeling anxious. He flicked around on cable until he found an old Twilight Zone episode and shifted into place, straddling Jay's thighs so he could give him a back rub.

“Shirt off,” Mike said, and Jay hurried to obey.

Mike sighed at the sight of Jay’s bare back. He couldn’t get enough of staring at it, though that little scar on the lower left side still bothered him. Now definitely wasn’t the time to press Jay to talk about it. Mike leaned forward and pressed his fingers into Jay’s muscles instead, rubbing in tight, deep circles. Jay didn’t hold back with the moaning gratitude, and Mike got a little hard against the soft rise of Jay’s ass while working on him, but he didn’t have the energy or even the desire to make this about sex. He just wanted to take care of Jay, who was clearly enjoying it, drooling onto Mike’s comforter for how good it felt to have his sore muscles worked on. 

“Mike,” Jay kept saying, eyes closed, like he couldn’t help it.

“What, Jay,” Mike said, leaning down to kiss his ear. “You had enough?”

“God, no, unh-- Please keep going, please?”

Mike did, until his hands were aching. He thought about asking Jay to return the favor, but Jay looked close to falling asleep when Mike bent down to kiss his cheek, his eyes closed and his breath coming slow and even. 

“You’re perfect,” Mike said, whispering this to see if Jay was still even a little awake. 

Jay made a soft, maybe uncomprehending noise and flexed up against Mike a little. He moved sluggishly when Mike prompted him to shift over and get under the blankets. Mike flicked the TV off before sliding under them with him. 

Mike was a recovering addict when it came to his severe fetish for sleeping under a pile of blankets with another person. The girlfriend he’d had before he moved to Milwaukee had been his introduction to the phenomenon, and after it didn’t work out with her he’d had a string of short-lived attempts at relationships before giving up on ever growing up enough to let the person he was sleeping with tell him that it wasn’t normal or good to go out with his co-worker every day after work and come home to them stumbling drunk. Mike just liked the latter too much, but it meant doing without the former, and most of the people he had sloppy one night stands with didn’t want to be cuddled afterward, or, if they did, expected things from Mike in the morning that he didn’t want to give.

So it had been a long time since he had indulged, and curling up around Jay in the dark, reveling in the heat of Jay’s body spooned up inside the shape of his own, was like taking a hit of some unfiltered, life-altering substance that pitched him right back to the depths of his addiction to this, only it had also never been so good. Jay somehow smelled better than ever, under Mike’s blankets and wrapped up in Mike’s arms. Maybe it was the scent of Mike’s soap and shampoo on Jay’s skin and hair, or just a delusion brought on by the way Jay sighed and pressed back into Mike’s body heat, but Mike couldn’t stop sniffing at the back of Jay’s neck like a deranged animal, even after Jay went soft in his arms and fell asleep. 

Mike couldn’t sleep. He was so fucked. He’d been infatuated with people before, deeply, and even that had screwed up his ability to mentally function for years at a time. This was something else, this was his fucking Jay, the reason Mike had stayed in Milwaukee at a shitty job for nine years, the reason he didn’t want a relationship that would interfere with his precious Jay-time, and the reason he was lying awake in a mild panic, even as cozy as he was, because what the hell was this feeding thing, that scar, and was Jay going to keep randomly calling him sir when they were, like, boyfriends? Was Mike allowed to like it, if so? Or did that make him some kind of monster?

Eventually Mike slept, the warmth of Jay’s body helping to pull him under at last. He woke up a few times during the night, confused by weird dreams and by the feeling of security that enveloped him regardless, until he remembered Jay was with him. At some point Jay rolled over and buried his face against Mike’s chest, and that’s where he was when Mike’s alarm went off at the usual time, alerting him to get ready for work. 

Mike disconnected from Jay with a groan and rolled toward his bedside table to smack the snooze button. It was still dark-ish outside from the cloud cover that would bring snow later. Mike settled back under the blankets with Jay and rubbed his face against Jay’s, trying to rouse him gently and also hoping they could talk a little before they reentered the world of the repair shop, where Mike wasn’t even sure how things should go, after this. 

“Fuck,” Jay said when he blinked his eyes open and saw Mike staring at him.

“Good morning to you, too,” Mike said, trying not to take that personally.

Jay laughed and rolled onto his back, rubbing at his eyes. 

“I need to go to my place and get clothes,” Jay said. He groaned as if doing so would be the equivalent of taking the One Ring to Mordor. “What time is it?”

“Quarter after seven.”

“Fuck,” Jay said again. Their shift started at eight. “Nnh, jesus.” Jay winced when he sat up on his elbow, dragging on hand over his face again. 

“Are you sore?” Mike asked, with guilt, when he realized why Jay was cringing. 

“Yeah,” Jay muttered. “Mostly from work, and, uh. It’s fine.” 

“Poor Jay,” Mike said, reaching over to rub Jay’s belly through his borrowed t-shirt. Mike had no idea how to proceed, wanted to just hide in bed with Jay all day and pretend things were normal, for whatever definition of that Jay needed. “I’ll take you to your place, and I’ll clock in for you at work. Take your time getting ready. You, uh. Earned it.”

Mike pronounced that last part uncertainly. Jay looked over at him, sleepy and sweet. He didn’t seem annoyed with Mike or filled with regret, but he could be really fucking hard to read at the best of times, in Mike’s experience, which was one reason why Mike had avoided any attempts to seduce him for so long, and why he’d tried to act like he had everything more than under control when he finally did, so that Jay wouldn’t flounder. The way Mike had approached this, with workplace spanking and finger-fucking dressed up to look like a fraudulent medical exam, could lead only to a ‘fuck no’ or ‘all in’ reaction, he’d figured. But now he didn’t know what was happening, like. At all.

“Okay,” Jay finally said, climbing over Mike to get out of bed. “Just gonna take a leak, then we should get going.”

Mike was relieved that Jay was acting like himself, at least, and not waiting for Mike to give him direction. Though maybe that was what Mike had just done? 

They were both quiet in the car on the drive to Jay’s place. Mike put the radio on, and Jay tuned it away from the news to a station that was playing mellow 80s music. When Mike pulled up to Jay’s apartment, Jay grabbed for the passenger side door handle and told Mike he’d be at work as soon as he could, then got out without so much as a peck on Mike’s cheek.

Which was fine, Mike thought, driving himself to work with a scowl he couldn’t get rid of on his face. Jay was the one who’d asked to kiss Mike before they fucked. He was clearly having feelings, even if he had to be cagey about them until Mike had boxed him into a sex kink corner. Would Jay want Mike to feed him his lunch during their break? Did Mike even want to? He felt queasy by the time he reached the shop and clocked in for both of them. He’d known all of Jay’s passwords for years. They had mutually agreed to delete all of each other’s porn off their home computers if one of them died before the other, which was really just an agreement for the surviving person to sit there crying and jerking off while watching it, Mike felt.

Mike was busy with calls and pick-ups by the time Jay finally showed up at nearly ten o’clock in the morning. Jay apologized, saying the bus was running late. Mike was sure this was true but still felt a little annoyed. He hefted two new repair jobs into Jay’s arms and told him to get to work in the back room. 

The rest of the work day was busy, both of them trying to finish up everything on deck before the special they were running ended at close of business. They worked through what would have been their lunch break so they wouldn’t have to stay late, which made Mike’s concerns about Jay wanting to be fed irrelevant. In the light of day and surrounded by the mundane buzz of customers and repair jobs, the idea that Jay would have asked for that seemed as alien and unlikely as seeing him ask for it at dinner the night before had been. Mike felt a bit stretched thin, like he was living a double life, and they were just getting started on this thing. He put it out of his mind and concentrated on the job, only pausing occasionally to peek into the back room and admire Jay, who was bent over his work as if Mike’s whereabouts and emotional state were the furthest thing from his mind.

“Thank fuck this week is over,” Mike said at five minutes past five o’clock, when the last customer scheduled to pick-up that day had left. Mike flipped the sign on the door to CLOSED with a profound sigh of exhausted relief, locked the door and turned to Jay, who was seated in his chair at the counter with a beer. He’d gotten one for Mike, too, and it was opened and waiting for him on the counter. Mike had no idea what else awaited him this evening or going forward with Jay, but he was grateful for the beer and crossed the room to gulp from it while Jay watched. 

“I dunno,” Jay said, staring up at him. “I thought it was a pretty good week.”

Mike beamed at him. Jay smiled back, blushy. He was squirming in his chair a little. 

“How’re you feeling?” Mike asked. “Ass-wise?”

“Oh my god.” Jay snickered and drank more beer, the pink on his cheeks brightening to red. “I’m just fine, Mike,” he said, looking a little defiant and sitting up straighter. “You didn’t break me after one go.”

“Hmm. Fine enough to take your daily fucking?”

Mike wasn’t sure if that phrasing was hot or just stupid. Jay looked approving, anyway, his eyes widening a little.

“Honestly?” Jay said, his voice shrinking a bit. “Been wanting it all day.”

“Really.” Mike suppressed the gloating grin that wanted to break onto his face. “Even though you’re sore? I see you squirming, Jay. Know it must sting a little.”

“It’s-- Yeah, but.” Jay stared down at his beer dumbly and didn’t drink from it, like he’d suddenly forgotten what it was for. “You know, um. Something about that, like, sore feeling, it, uh. Makes me think about sex all day, so. Yeah.”

“You get all stuttery when you want something,” Mike said, walking closer. He loomed over Jay and stared down into his pleading, upturned face. “I like it,” Mike said, touching Jay’s chin. 

Jay just stared up at Mike, giving him the look Mike had been trying to categorize since he’d first seen it come over Jay’s face at the suggestion that Mike was going to personally discipline him. Surrendered was probably the best word for it, but that was oversimplified. Jay had a kind of calmness in his eyes as if he’d also regained some measure of control, ironically, along with something that wasn’t quite passive but actively accepting, and above all relieved, with an edge of needy anticipation. 

“What?” Jay asked when Mike had been staring at him for a while, probably frowning a little while thinking about all this, still holding Jay’s chin. 

“Just thinking about what a good job you did today,” Mike said. He slid his hand up to cup Jay’s jaw and brushed his thumb over Jay’s cheek. “What would I do without you, Jay?”

Jay looked away. He was smiling when his gaze flicked up to Mike’s again, mostly in his eyes. He gave Mike a tiny shrug and exhaled slowly, the tension draining from his shoulders. 

“Nobody could ever replace you,” Mike said, purposefully. 

Because he’d been thinking about Jay’s formative years, his issues, and wondering if he needed to hear this. 

Jay’s eyebrows twitched upward. He looked down at Mike’s chest and chewed his lip. 

“I mean it,” Mike said, though he felt like he shouldn’t push too deeply at these old wounds, even to soothe them. “I’ll always pick you over everyone else, no matter what.”

Jay dragged his gaze slowly back up to Mike’s and held his eyes uncertainly. It was maybe unfair, in the midst of this thing that still felt like a game to Mike, that Mike knew so much about Jay, mostly from drunken confessions that Jay had tried to play off as no big deal. Mike hadn’t had a happy childhood either, but he’d never doubted that his parents loved him, selfish and irresponsible as they could be, and he’d always been the favorite, the youngest and the smartest of his siblings. Jay had been the oldest in more ways than one. Mike knew he’d felt replaced by his younger brothers and sisters, and adrift somewhere between the divided families that represented new starts for his parents and didn’t really include him, at least not as strictly as the children who were always-required components, not an optional accessory on alternating weeks. 

“Can I--” Jay started to say, reaching for Mike’s shirt. He pulled his hands back, maybe because they were shaking, and curled them into fists over his knees. 

“You can ask for something if you want it,” Mike said. Jay kept his head lowered and his fists curled tight, so Mike continued. “Or I could tell you what I want and let you be good for me.”

“Yes,” Jay said, his head shooting up, eyes locking on Mike’s. He was nodding, his back going ramrod straight. “Please, yeah, that’s-- Just tell me, um. Mike. Please?”

“Okay, Jay, say no more.” 

Mike leaned in to kiss him, pushing his tongue in past Jay’s trembling lips. Jay kissed back hungrily and reached out to touch Mike’s sides, tentatively at first. He took two handfuls of Mike’s work shirt and moaned when Mike pulled gently at Jay’s bottom lip with his teeth. 

“Fuck, I love your mouth,” Mike said without really meaning to. He studied Jay’s eyes and shrugged when he got no response, supposing he shouldn’t have expected one after telling Jay to say no more. Of course Jay would take that fucking literally. Jay just blinked up at him, awaiting orders. At least Mike had heard Jay admit that he liked Mike’s dick, as if there had been any doubt. “C’mon,” Mike said, stepping away from him and snapping his fingers. 

He pointed at the back room. Jay hopped out of the chair and hurried in that direction, walking like he was already a little hard in his pants.

Mike shut the door behind him and flicked off the overhead lights.

He heard Jay’s little intake of breath when they were in the darkness together. There was no window in this room, only a glowing EXIT sign that offered faint red light from the end of the hallway that lead to the bathroom and the back door that opened out into the alley behind the building. 

Mike mourned the sight of Jay instantly, but he’d see him plenty later and liked the idea of throwing him off with this new challenge. 

“Take off your clothes,” Mike said. 

Jay did as Mike asked, and went to the sofa when instructed. He fell onto it clumsily and waited for Mike, who took his time, opening his jeans and touching his dick, getting himself fully hard while Jay knelt on the sofa and wondered what was next. 

“Hold your hands behind your back and lean down, forehead on the cushions,” Mike said, moving in slow, sliding steps toward the sofa. His eyes had adjusted and he could just make out the shape of Jay on the sofa in the dim red light. He imagined they were in a sex club, that Jay was some reckless slut who Mike had happened upon in a back room, waiting for whomever found him first. 

Because-- Had Jay done things like that? Where else would he find guys who’d treat him the way he wanted? _Guys hit harder, Mike_. It wasn’t unthinkable. Mike imagined some nasty piece of work in a mask dragging the fingernail that he kept filed to a sharp point across Jay’s back and digging it into his skin, Jay just taking it. Maybe Jay had come when he felt hot droplets of his own blood rolling from that cut and down over his skin.

Mike shook himself out of this dark place as best he could, but part of him was kept there by the atmosphere in the back room: cold, impersonal, the reddish light. He knelt behind Jay on the sofa and grabbed his hips, heard him gasp and felt him flinch. Mike slid his hands down lower without speaking, spread him open and leaned in. 

“Oh,” Jay said, in a tiny hiccup of sound when he first felt Mike’s tongue sliding over his hole. 

Mike spanked him hard, for speaking. Jay yelped and pressed back into Mike’s hands as the sting subsided, like he wanted another one. 

“Quiet,” Mike said. “You’re gonna want to beg for my dick by the time I’m even halfway done with you. Do it and you’ll get twenty more of those instead.”

Jay started to speak, making a little ‘ah’ sound at the back of his throat, then swallowed it up and just nodded, his bent head moving against the sofa cushion. 

Mike licked and nipped at him for a long time, toying with his ass until he was shaking all over and trying not to sob, mostly failing. It was a dry kind of sobbing, a quaking in his chest. Mike would occasionally reach down between Jay’s legs just to confirm how hard his dick was and rub precome along the shaft until Jay gasped and went tense with what Mike assumed was the fear that he would come without permission and forego the fucking he’d wanted all day. 

When Mike couldn’t wait any longer, he dug the lube out from the cushions and slicked himself. He could feel Jay’s relief as he listened to this happening, the darkness amplifying every reaction Jay had and making Mike feel like he could reach out and snatch Jay’s bitten-off noises from the heavy air between them, hold them in his palm and stuff them in his mouth. 

“Want me to go easy on you?” Mike asked, rubbing his cockhead in circles over Jay’s spit-slick hole. 

“No,” Jay said. His voice was so thick, creaky. “Please, just. Nnh, Mike--” 

“What, Jay, what do you need? Tell me.” 

“Make me feel it,” Jay said, his voice so tiny that Mike didn’t dare ask him to elaborate. He sounded wrecked already, was shaking in Mike’s grip. 

Feel what, Mike wanted to ask as he slid inside, both of them groaning with relief. Mike was pretty sure he knew. Jay wanted to feel claimed, owned, used, like he’d been bought and paid for, because this was how he made himself feel something else that wasn’t those things. Mike wasn’t sure what it was yet, if it had to do with confronting his fears of worthlessness or if it was just a way to feel connected to someone, being the one who let himself go helpless for however hard the other person could give it, because that meant he was being good, taking it all, tough enough to withstand anything, unhurtable.

Mike came inside Jay after an unrestrained bout of hard, deep thrusting that had Jay moaning loud enough that anyone still at work in the neighboring shops would hear him through the walls. Mike didn’t care, barely knew where he was after he’d finished pumping his load into Jay’s ass, his hips still rolling against Jay’s. He reached around to grab Jay’s dick and just held it tight in his palm while he regained his breath, possessive and squeezing. Jay made a series of high-pitched noises that were half-hidden in the sofa cushion, and came for the first real slide of Mike’s fist up and down his shaft, bucking back against Mike and clenching around his softening dick while he unloaded all over the sofa, which Mike had also forgotten to care about. 

Mike kissed the back of Jay’s neck and pulled out of him when the pulsing aftershocks of Jay’s orgasm turned painful on his spent cock. He left Jay on the sofa and crossed the room to flip the light on, blinking to adjust his eyes before turning to see the messy state he’d left Jay in.

Jay was lying on his stomach on the sofa, one leg stretched out behind him and the other bent and pulled up against his side, arms limp on the sofa cushion over his head. His face was turned toward Mike, cheek pressed to the cushion while he panted against it, and he had a lost, drifting look in his eyes that made Mike rush to his side. 

“That was good, Jay,” Mike said, kneeling down by the couch and gritting his teeth when this sent shooting pain into his left knee. It was brief but intense, and made him worry that he really needed to either stop doing all this shit on his knees or maybe like, get in shape, or something. Maybe Jay could help him. In the meantime, Mike ignored the pain and leaned in to kiss Jay’s face and stroke his hair, bringing him back to himself. “You did so well,” Mike said, speaking right into Jay’s ear. “Fucking proud of you. So glad you’re mine.”

Jay made a pained little sound, but he looked blissed out when Mike pulled back to check his face, eyes closed and features relaxed, his breath calming as Mike brought him down from-- Their thing. Whatever it was. 

“Okay?” Mike asked, giving the back of Jay’s neck a gentle squeeze when he just stayed like that, flopped onto his stomach and leaking come from his ass, fucked out. 

“Mike,” was Jay’s only response, but it sounded like an affirmative, like ‘thank you.’ 

Mike helped Jay mop himself up and get dressed, and he did what he could to clean up the sofa, too. They walked to Mike’s car together after locking up, and Mike slipped his arm around Jay’s shoulders without really thinking about it. There was no way Mike was putting him on the bus or dropping him off at his place. 

Jay didn’t object to being brought back to Mike’s apartment again and cleaned up in Mike’s shower. Mike got hard while washing him, but Jay seemed to still be elsewhere, soft against Mike’s thigh and letting Mike do everything for him. He smiled up at Mike when Mike prodded him periodically, asking if he was okay. 

Mike had nothing for dinner and couldn’t really afford delivery pizza, but he ordered one anyway. They flopped onto Mike’s living room couch together while they wanted for it to arrive, Jay snuggled up under Mike’s arm and dozing on his chest. It was barely seven o’clock on Friday night and they were in for the evening like two old men, wearing pajamas and staring at bad TV. 

Which was fine by Mike, but wasn’t usually Jay’s thing. Jay liked-- Mike wasn’t entirely sure, but it wasn’t sitting around watching TV and eating pizza. Friday was usually the one night of the work week they spent apart, either because Jay went downtown to see some concert with Josh or did other things that were not disclosed to Mike, such as being fucked roughly by whatever partners he’d had in the past, presumably. 

The pizza arrived, and Mike brought it into the kitchen. Jay followed, carrying one of the worn old throw pillows from Mike’s couch. 

“What’s that?” Mike asked, wondering if Jay thought they were going to eat at the table. Maybe he needed a cushion after getting his ass pounded two days in a row. 

“I, um-- Can I use this?” Jay asked, holding the pillow up against his chest. 

“Sure, but for what?”

Jay demonstrated by placing the cushion on the floor near the chair where Mike had sat during dinner the night before. He gave Mike a nervous look, then lowered down onto it, kneeling. 

“Oh.” Mike glanced at the empty chair, then at Jay. “You want, uh. Okay.” 

Jay said nothing. He fidgeted a little and avoided Mike’s eyes until Mike had taken a seat in the chair he was kneeling beside. Mike sighed and opened the pizza box. He’d have to ask Jay about this soon, when he was less out of it. Now didn’t seem like the time. Jay looked sort of fragile, there on his knees and waiting for Mike to feed him his dinner. 

Feeding him pizza was more awkward than forking mac and cheese into his mouth, and actually kind of annoying after the first few bites. Jay seemed happier for every bite Mike gave him, meanwhile, like each one was confirmation that Mike was all in on this, too. Mike tried to keep his expression benign. He really needed to remember to restock his beer, was dying for one by the time he’d finished painstakingly feeding Jay little bits of pizza one bite at a time. Buying beer wasn’t something Mike normally had trouble remembering to do, but so much had been going on. 

Maybe too much, some newly wary thing at the pit of him suggested. He jumped when his cell phone went off, buzzing on the kitchen table beside the pizza box. 

It was his brother’s ex-wife calling. Mike groaned and considered ignoring the call, but she only tended to call when some crisis from hell was happening, and Mike hated to leave her to deal with it alone. She was irritating and maybe in love with Mike, because he’d helped her out of binds involving his asshole brother before, but she wasn’t a bad person or undeserving of help. 

She ended up just wanting to complain to him about Benny’s new girlfriend and her treatment of Mike’s nephew. She sounded drunk, and most of her complaints were petty if not irrational. The unsaid implication that she was still hung up on Benny enough to hate it when he dated other women was demoralizing. Mike resigned himself to listening, mostly grunting in reply while she rambled on without pause, regretting that he’d answered. 

When Jay rested his cheek on Mike’s leg after a few minutes, Mike thought maybe he was begging for attention, but Jay looked content. His eyes were closed against Mike’s thigh, and he sighed happily when Mike reached down to pet his hair. Doing so helped Mike deal with the annoyance of the call, and by the time he finally got her off the phone he was feeling guilty about his earlier judgment of Jay’s weirdness. It was strange, sure, but also sweet, and Mike fucking loved him so it didn’t really matter. Jay could unleash several rabid monkeys into Mike’s apartment and Mike would tolerate it, might even pretend to like it. 

“That was Benny’s ex,” Mike said, still stroking Jay’s hair. “She’s a hot mess.” 

“Mhm,” Jay said, disinterested and maybe not even really listening. He nudged his face against Mike’s leg and pushed into his touch, eyes still closed.

They went to bed early, worn out. Jay was still quiet, but he answered Mike’s questions easily enough. Admittedly, they were simple questions: want to watch a movie, need a heavier sweater, still don’t want to use my toothbrush? 

Mike didn’t want to push him yet. When they woke up together again it would be the weekend, and away from work maybe they would be able to talk about relationship parameters, past sexual histories, or whatever else.

“Are you okay?” Mike asked when they were lying in the dark together, face to face with the blankets pulled up to their ears.

“Yeah,” Jay said, sounding maybe not so sure.

“What’s wrong?” Mike pulled him closer, rubbed his back. “You can tell me, like. You’re not going to scare me away, obviously.”

“Why obviously?” Jay asked. Even in only the light from the half-covered window across the room, Mike could see something pissed off flash into his eyes. 

“Uhh,” Mike said. “Just that I’m the one in a position to scare you away, I’d think. I know I’ve been, um. Demanding.”

Jay rolled over in Mike’s arms, showing him his back. Mike inched forward again and spooned up behind him. 

“Are you asleep?” Mike asked after a while, though Jay obviously wasn’t. He was breathing in quick little huffs, agitated.

“I like how you are,” Jay said. “It’s the first-- First time I’ve gotten, like. What I want, too.” 

Too, Mike thought, his blood boiling at the thought of what other people might have taken from Jay without giving anything back. He wrapped both arms around Jay and pulled him in against his chest, pushed his legs up behind Jay’s and curved around him. 

“Gonna protect you from now on,” Mike said, unwisely. He couldn’t hold it in, was feeling it too strongly.

“From myself?” Jay asked. He still sounded angry.

“Jesus, no. I guess you see me as someone who’s full of shit, or doesn’t mean what he says, but I'm fucking serious when I say I think you’re perfect.”

Jay was tense for a few more breaths, then he relaxed a little and put his hand over Mike’s under the blankets. 

“I’m not perfect,” Jay said. “So don’t hold it against me when you figure that out.” 

“You know what I mean,” Mike muttered.

Though by then he’d figured out that Jay really didn’t. 

He let Jay pretend to sleep, and eventually fell asleep himself, a frenetic sense of coming storms buzzing inside him even after he’d drifted off with the scent of Jay’s hair lulling him into a maybe-false sense of security.

*

Waking up on a cold Saturday morning under a pile of blankets with Jay’s morning wood poking into his gut was hardly cause for an anxiety attack, but Mike felt on the verge of one as he waited for Jay to wake up and show him how this going to go in the light of day, away from the repair shop. Jay looked peaceful while asleep, like nothing was troubling him, and maybe that counted for something. Maybe he subconsciously knew he was safe with Mike, and maybe that was why he got off on letting Mike call all the shots. Or maybe Mike scared him more than anyone else ever had, and that was what got him hard and needy.

Mike wanted to ask, had a thousand questions buzzing in his brain by the time Jay twitched and moaned in his arms, waking slowly. Mike reminded himself not to ask everything all at once, or anything right away. He didn’t want to wreck this, felt like they were right on the edge of either something that would endure forever or go up in flames the second Mike brought the lightest flicker of scrutiny to it, and that what he did over the next two days would make it go in one direction or the other. 

Jay blinked his eyes open and rolled his hips to drag his dick against the heat of Mike’s body, maybe involuntarily. He smiled sleepily at the look Mike was giving him, which was somewhere between aching adoration and utter terror. 

“Why are you awake?” Jay asked, closing his eyes again.

“It’s almost nine thirty,” Mike said. 

“So?” Jay moaned and squirmed down against Mike’s chest, hooking his leg over Mike’s side in a way that made Mike’s heart backflip with joy. He loved every little possessive gesture Jay tossed his way, wanted more of them. 

“I forgot you’re a late sleeper,” Mike said. 

“I usually stay up till like two in the morning,” Jay said, mumbling this into Mike’s t-shirt. “Guess I don’t have that excuse now. What time was it when we went to bed, even?”

“Uhh, like barely ten o’clock.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah. Well. It was a long week, uh. Tiring. But good.” 

Mike let Jay go back to sleep and got up to make breakfast. He had nothing to make, however. He jotted down a shopping list and went back to the bedroom to nudge Jay awake. Jay was sleeping like he was coming out of a fever and seemed barely cognizant even when he’d blinked his eyes open to stare up at Mike. 

“Are you coming down with something?” Mike asked, holding the back of his hand against Jay’s forehead. He didn’t feel unusually warm. 

“What?” Jay said. He looked annoyed to be awakened again. 

“Never mind. I’m going to the store, need to stock up on food and beer and stuff. I was thinking-- I could dig your keys out from your jeans and stop by your place, too, get you some stuff. Clothes, and your toothbrush, stuff like that. ‘Cause I want you to stay here this weekend, uh. With me. Okay?”

“Sure,” Jay said, shifting back down underneath the blankets. “Thanks.” 

Mike hesitated, hovering over him and wanting to reconfirm that Jay had even understood what he’d said, what he was asking. He told himself to stop overthinking everything and went over to the chair where Jay had tossed his clothes before they got in the shower together the night before, found Jay’s keys and headed out. 

Something was bothering him on the way to Jay’s place, an awful feeling that he’d already fucked up, but he couldn’t figure out why. All he knew was that some element of Jay’s passivity that was bothering him, but for the time being he wrote it off as Jay being sleepy and not wanting to deal with Mike’s angst first thing in the morning. He parked outside of Jay’s building and headed up to his place, reminding himself that he shouldn’t snoop. 

The urge to go against his better instincts and start poking around through Jay’s stuff only intensified when Mike was alone in his quiet apartment. Jay’s place was neat as usual, not a single dish resting in the sparkling clean sink basin. Mike looked in Jay’s fridge, telling himself that he was only doing it so he’d know what kinds of foods to stock up on for Jay when he went to the store after this. Jay’s fridge was alarmingly bare, containing only a tupperware with a cooked chicken breast in it, some condiments on the door, two IPAs and a half-empty carton of orange juice. There was a single lemon in the fruit drawer.

Mike shut the fridge, feeling like Peter Venkman poking around Dana Barrett’s place. Which was ridiculous. Just yesterday Mike had said _I’m so glad you’re mine_ and Jay had only preened in seeming confirmation. He was asleep in Mike’s bed right now, woke up hard for him and was currently awaiting whatever Mike wanted next. 

So why the fuck Mike felt like a creepy, unwanted stalker as he looked through Jay’s kitchen cabinets, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t as if Jay was possessed by some creature that was making him want Mike. Even if he was maybe semi-possessed by something else. That thing could just be, like: feelings. Real feelings, for Mike! Stranger things had happened.

Mike had to dig through Jay’s closet in the process of finding a bag to stuff his clothes and toiletries into. He was almost disappointed when he didn’t find a secret door leading to a sex dungeon, or at least some kind of kinky paraphernalia. Mostly there were screen-print horror fanboy shirts on hangers and neatly lined up shoes, including a pair of extremely dorky corduroy slippers that made Mike want to get on the ground and weep for how much he loved this ridiculous person. Back out in the bedroom, Mike peeked into Jay’s bedside table and grinned at the familiar pink sex toy and the bottle of lube stowed beside it. He shut the drawer and left both in place, moving on to the bathroom to grab Jay’s toothbrush and other accessories. 

When he was done he felt jumpy, also eager to get back to Jay. Shopping for groceries took forever, the Saturday morning crowd packed with slow-moving old people and parents with shrieking kids. Mike was starving and antsy with the need for physical contact by the time he was driving back to his place, his intimacy addiction having returned in full force and more powerful than ever now that Jay was the one Mike was desperate to be close to again. Mike's whole body rattled with it by the time he got back to his place. 

Like he had last time he left Jay alone there, he felt nervous on the approach to his apartment’s front door, wondering what he’d find behind it. He wasn’t sure if this was just his own paranoia or a rational response to how he never knew quite what to expect from Jay, who might suddenly need to be on his knees or drift into some parallel sex-sated dimension where he could still hear but not really grasp what Mike was saying to him. 

Mike thought of doing something obnoxious like shouting “honey, I’m home” as he came through the door, then decided against it. He put the grocery bags on the kitchen table and walked back to the bedroom with the duffel bag he’d packed full of Jay’s things. 

Jay was awake, sitting up in Mike’s bed and looking very glad to see him. Mike stood halfway between the door and the bed, grinning and taking in the sight. He’d never realized how much he wanted this, for Jay to just fucking be there when he got home. 

“Got your stuff,” Mike said, holding up the bag. 

“What stuff?” Jay asked.

“Your clothes and shit, did you not hear me before? Were you asleep?”

“I guess.” Jay took Mike’s old t-shirt off and threw it on the floor. “C’mere.”

Mike raised his eyebrows, surprised at Jay giving him an order. He didn’t look like he would take no for an answer, his eyes dark with some kind of want that made Mike’s cock start to fill as he walked toward the bed. 

“Need to put the groceries away first,” Mike said, stopping just short of the mattress and Jay’s grasping hands. 

“Hurry,” Jay said, dropping his arms into his lap and looking up at Mike like he was hurting to have him, dying of it.

Mike considered giving him an answering order. He could ask Jay to put the groceries away for him, naked, or to be on all fours and fingering himself by the time Mike came back. He suppressed the urge to play the game and just dropped the bag full of Jay’s stuff on the floor before turning and going to do what Jay had asked him to for a change. It would be good if they acted relatively normal this weekend, he decided. Maybe doing so would mean they could clear some things up.

By the time he’d thrown everything into the fridge, Mike was hard and ready to do whatever Jay wanted him to when he returned to the bedroom, already undoing his jeans. He stopped short in the doorway when he saw Jay was naked on top of the comforter and touching his cock, his legs spread open and his breath coming fast. He looked like a painting on top of Mike’s dark bedclothes, pale in every place where he wasn’t flushed pink, heavy-lidded and wanting. 

“Mike,” Jay said shifting his hips up as he stroked himself, and Mike didn’t need another word of direction.

Mike managed to get his pants and boxers off before throwing himself into the bed, onto Jay, but didn’t have the patience to remove his sweater. Jay melted under Mike’s kisses and lifted his legs to wrap around Mike’s back, tugging at his sweater and whining into his mouth like the fact that he couldn’t feel Mike’s bare chest pressing down against his was an injury he was currently suffering. Mike tore the sweater off and leaned back for half a breath to take in the look in Jay’s eyes, which was wild and tamed in perfect balance, like Jay was a hungry little monster but also a monster who was completely Mike’s, of his making and under his control. 

“Fuck,” Mike said, in place of _I love you_ , and dove down to devour him again.

*


	7. Chapter 7

They fucked, ate, and watched movies all weekend long. Jay was seemingly insatiable, especially when it came to fucking, and Mike was in heaven. The more affection he showed Jay, the clingier Jay got, which for Mike felt like satisfying the dirtiest and most delicious fetish, the one he hadn’t seen coming despite his love of holding someone under blankets at night. This was like a hundred levels beyond that: Jay trailed him around the apartment and hung on his legs, his back, his neck, whatever he could get access to. He let Mike pull him into his lap and hold him there for hours, until Mike’s fingers were teasing down into the borrowed lounge pants that by then reeked of sex and had more than a few come stains on them. By Sunday evening Mike could slide his fingers into Jay with no prep and minimal lube, and Jay would moan like he’d been dying for it every time he did. 

In what seemed like a blink it was midnight on Sunday and Mike was way too tired to have the sane, boundary-setting talk he’d planned on, but there seemed to be no rush. Jay wasn’t going anywhere, and the start of the work week would mean a return to relative normalcy, Mike assumed. The weekend had been their honeymoon period, and Mike had loved every second of it. Talking about where any of this was coming from or going would have spoiled the magic, and there was still plenty of time for more rational concerns, Mike reasoned, with Jay drifting to sleep on his chest after they’d both worn themselves out entirely. 

“So have you ever done anything like this before?” Mike asked when he was driving them to work on Monday morning.

Jay was in the passenger seat, sipping from the Starbucks that Mike had just bought for him. He seemed surprised but not bothered by the question. 

"Like what?" he asked.

"I mean. Jay. We fucked like nine times this weekend."

"So?" Jay looked down at his coffee cup and picked at the paper heat sleeve. "You're freaking out," he said, muttering this so softly that for a moment Mike thought he was talking to himself.

"I am not!" Mike reached over to squeeze Jay's thigh. "No, I-- Fucking loved it. I love this."

He tightened his grip on Jay and didn't add, I love _you_ , dummy, more because he thought Jay couldn't handle hearing it than his own fear of confessing.

Jay made an irritated noise under his breath and looked out the passenger side window. 

“Answer me,” Mike said, panic driving him back toward the game. He also just wanted to check and make sure his get out of jail free phrase still worked. “Jay. Be good and tell me. Have you done this before, with someone else?”

“No,” Jay said. He looked down at his lap, turning the paper coffee cup in his hands. “At least, uh. Not nine times in a weekend, no.” 

“Okay. Good. How about the, uh. The food thing.” Mike hadn’t hand-fed Jay every meal they shared during the weekend, but at dinnertime Jay seemed to expect it, and that pillow was still on the floor in Mike’s kitchen. 

“The food thing?” Jay turned to Mike, frowning and red-faced. “What, like. You feeding me?”

“Yeah. Is that a thing you, uh, like, always do, or--”

“Are you senile?” Jay sputtered and frowned more deeply when Mike glanced over at him. “You don’t remember being the one who started that, at the shop?”

“Oh.” Mike frowned out at the road, annoyed by the realization that Jay was right. “So you’re doing it for me?”

The broken look on Jay’s face made Mike want to jerk the steering wheel, pull the car over to the side of the road and yank Jay into his lap. 

“I--” Jay said, this thigh going tense under Mike’s hand. “Um, I. I don’t know--”

“You don’t have to explain,” Mike said, rubbing his leg. “Sorry, just. Feeling nosy about what you’ve done in the past, with other people. That’s all.” He was thinking of that scar, and of Jay saying he preferred men because of how hard they hit him, and that he’d only gone after women who wanted to beat him up.

“I’ve never done anything like that with someone else, Mike.” 

Jay was looking out the window when Mike glanced over at him again, nervous. He was fucking this perfect thing up, shouldn’t have said anything. 

“Good,” Mike said, and he felt Jay relax a little for the sound of that word. “Good, Jay. I’m glad. Nobody deserves that but me. Got it?”

“Yes.” Jay peeked at Mike, looking relieved. “Thank you,” he added, under his breath.

Mike didn’t speak for the rest of the drive. Jay went back to sipping from his coffee. By the time they got to work Jay seemed fine, and Mike was trying to pretend that he was also fine. He should be-- He was! He’d just had the weekend of his dreams with the love of his life, and he had so many plans for what came next, things he wanted to try that he was pretty sure Jay would love. He just couldn’t get rid of the feeling that he was doing something terribly wrong, and that Jay letting him get away with it didn’t mean that he shouldn’t stop. 

The work day was a quiet one, leaving Mike plenty of time to obsess over his anxious thoughts. When he started to really panic he’d give Jay some stupid order, like bringing Mike a pen from the back room or lifting up his shirt to show Mike his nipples, and Mike felt better every time Jay happily obeyed him. By their lunch break Jay was on his knees in the back room, his chin resting on Mike’s thigh while he watched Mike eat his lunch. Mike pet Jay’s hair and made him wait to eat his own. They both got hard. Mike left Jay on his knees and went to lock the front door, then hurried back to let Jay blow him. 

“Do you want some food, too?” Mike asked, petting Jay’s face after he’d swallowed Mike’s come. Jay was still on his knees between Mike’s spread legs, his mouth bright pink and debauched, eyes glazed. “Or was that enough for you,” Mike asked, touching Jay’s lips. “You’d live off my come if you could, wouldn’t you?”

Jay moaned like he could barely stand how much he loved the idea, nodding.

“Yes,” he said, as if Mike needed further confirmation. 

“Well.” Mike cleared his throat and tried to get his mind back on reality. “You can’t, sadly. So now you’ve got to eat your lunch. Up here, at the table. You can feed yourself at work from now on. I’ll only do it for you when you’re at my place for dinner, got it?”

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good boy.”

Jay smiled, looking thrilled with himself and with Mike, with all of this. 

Mike felt pretty good, too, suddenly, for having set a concrete rule. This would work, he decided, and he leaned down to kiss Jay on the mouth before tucking his dick away and getting back to the front counter. Jay was still hard, but he never got to come during work hours. Only Mike did. This was another rule Mike felt pretty great about setting while he sat up at the front counter, thinking about Jay eating his chicken soup at the table back there, with his aching little prick still hard in pants, happy because he was doing what Mike told him to.

At the end of every work day that week, Mike thought he should probably send Jay back to his own place and let him clear his head, then changed his mind when he was driving away from the shop with Jay beside him in the car. It always seemed too cruel to send Jay out into the cold, alone, when Mike could just as easily take him home and wrap him up in the warmth of their wind-down activities. Night after night, Jay made no objection to Mike bringing him home and fucking him, or fucking him in the back room at the shop after locking up and then taking him home for a shower and dinnertime on his knees in Mike’s kitchen. The feeding thing was growing on Mike, because of how Jay peered up at him with those soft green eyes while waiting sweetly for more, or for nothing, just waiting for whatever Mike wanted to give him. Mike felt like Jay needed it, depended on him, almost like Jay would starve to death without Mike’s attentive care.

Mike got off on this, he realized, and he discovered other things they both got off on as the weeks passed and they dove deeper into everything. On weeknights they mostly kept to their usual routine, but on weekends Mike started to let shit get really weird. It was simple enough at first, mostly involving Jay being tied up and having to wait to get off or for Mike to fuck him, sometimes for hours while Mike did things in the other room. Mike was hardly a patient person by nature, but the unfiltered elation and relief on Jay’s face when Mike returned to the bedroom even just to touch him gently was addictive. It made Mike feel god-like, if he was honest with himself. Like Jay lived for him and him alone. One night Jay got so turned on while tied up and waiting that he came untouched just because Mike had returned to the room, stretched out against his side and called him a good boy.

A litany of panicked ‘sorrys’ followed, because Mike hadn’t given him permission to come yet. Mike shushed him and kissed him on the mouth, fed him the come that was spilled across his stomach, then fucked him until he was hard again. 

When they were done Mike would rub Jay’s tired wrists, then his shoulders, his back. Jay reveled in the attention, smiling and blissed out in a way that almost made him seem drugged. They usually fell asleep together when Jay was still in that mode, tucked in tight against Mike’s chest under the blankets and dropping into his dreams easily. Sometimes Mike wanted to stay up and watch a movie, but Jay couldn’t keep his eyes open after getting fucked like that. Mike couldn’t blame him. It was amazing but could be overwhelming, and Mike was usually pretty tired afterward, too. He tended to fall asleep halfway through the movies he tried to watch, while Jay dozed through them from start to finish. 

“Should we have an adult conversation about this at some point?” Mike asked one night, though he had a bad feeling about daring the question. They were on the couch together, Jay cuddled under Mike’s arm while they waited for their chicken pot pies to finish cooking. 

“This?” Jay said, still staring at the TV. He hated talking about this stuff, Mike knew. But it seemed inevitable that they would have to eventually, and Mike wanted to square this away before they got into any of the more hardcore stuff they were already edging toward on weekends.

“We’re basically living together,” Mike said, stroking his fingers through Jay’s hair to keep him calm during this discussion. “You know, like. Uhhh. I consider myself your boyfriend, so. You should be aware of that.”

The corner of Jay’s mouth edged upward, and for a second Mike was sure he was about to be savagely laughed at. Jay turned to him and gave him the goofy, closed-lipped smile that he always offered when he felt a little sorry for Mike, his eyebrows lifting. 

“I consider myself yours,” Jay said, flushing all the way up to his forehead. “Full stop, so. Yeah. Boyfriend, whatever. I’m not ready to give up my apartment, but. I’ve thought about it. You don’t have to worry, Mike. My needs are being met.”

Mike snorted at that businesslike phrasing, then kissed Jay so hard and needfully that Jay did laugh, against Mike’s lips, but there was nothing cruel about it. For the rest of the evening, Mike was in a lovesick swoon, and he wasn’t even mad about it. Everything felt solved, easy, perfect.

Mike let himself drift in the wake of that good feeling all the way into the springtime, which for Milwaukee didn’t mean much. It was still frigid and snowing frequently, the sky always covered in fat gray clouds. Mike wasn’t bothered by the forever-seeming cold weather. He had Jay to keep him warm, and their sex adventures were getting truly bizarre in several specialized ways that made Mike feel proud of himself, because he’d engineered these scenes for them, and Jay considered them masterpieces of the craft, if the intensity of his orgasms and the way he said Mike’s name when he had them were any indication. Mike felt a little bit like the wickedly innovative director he’d always dreamed of being when he was younger, only Jay was his sole star, creative collaborator, and audience. 

Outside of moaning Mike’s name, Jay got subverbal when he was close to coming and tended to stay that way until the morning, when the world seemed to reset and they woke up together to the sound of Mike’s alarm. This was more than fine with Mike, until he noticed Jay’s seeming inability to string a sentence together was starting earlier and earlier: when they started making out in Mike’s bed or on his sofa, then when they started getting undressed, and eventually as soon as they were through the door of Mike’s apartment. Jay would speak if Mike prompted him to but otherwise just dropped right into his happy place. 

“Let’s take the night off,” Mike said on the drive home from work one night, shortly after he’d noticed this progression. He was worried about how narrow the window on Jay’s ability to act like himself was getting. It seemed-- Too much. Mike had been greedy, but he was also in need of a break for his own purposes. Jay just always seemed to need it so bad, and Mike hated to deny him anything. Sometimes Mike would give him a little kiss at the shop, unable to resist, and before he knew it he was in the back room with his pants around his ankles and his cock in Jay’s mouth. They were both a little out of control, and it couldn’t last forever.

“Off?” Jay said, fidgeting with his seatbelt. “Like. You’re taking me home? To my place, I mean?”

“Nah, I meant, um-- But I could take you there, if you want?”

Jay shook his head. 

“Good,” Mike said, and he reached over to jostle Jay’s knee. “‘Cause I’d miss you. I just meant, uh, you know. We’ve been pretty nonstop lately. Your ass probably needs a break. Let’s just watch movies and hang out tonight.”

Like old times, he almost said, because though they were together nonstop he was starting to feel like he missed Jay, or at least the parts of him that got shut away when they walked into Mike’s place: his smart ass remarks and bratty need to get the last word in every conversation, petty little corrections to Mike’s offhand comments and incorrect opinions about movies. All the stuff Mike had rolled his eyes at for years. He wanted it back now. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Jay asked, voice flat and eyes pointed forward at the windshield. 

“No, man. I’m only telling you this so you won’t think it’s weird when I don’t jump you as soon as we’re through the front door like usual. Everything’s good, I just want to give my back a rest.”

“Oh fuck.” Jay looked more disturbed, not less. “I’m-- I’m sorry, fuck, Mike, I’m such a fucking asshole, jesus--”

“Whoa, what? I’m not mad--”

“Your back-- I’m so--” Jay groaned and took two handfuls of his hair, leaning over to put his elbows on his knees. “Fuck! I’m such a piece of shit.” 

“What! Stop, fucking-- Calm down--”

“I hurt your back, I’m ruining your life, I don’t know why I’m like this, I’m sorry--”

“Jay, jesus christ-- Hang on.”

Mike pulled the car over into a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. He parked and reached over to rub Jay’s back. Jay was still bent forward and pulling on his hair, would probably have his head between his knees if his seatbelt wasn’t holding him up. 

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” Jay said. 

“Stop saying that.” Mike brought his hand up to the back of Jay’s neck and squeezed. He felt it when Jay exhaled in a long, measured breath, trying to calm himself down because Mike had commanded it. “My back will be fine,” Mike said. “It’s nothing you did, I’m just an old man.” 

Jay shook his head and moved his hands from his now fucked-up hair and down to his face, covering his eyes. 

“Sorry-- Shit. Ah, just. I’ll stop. I’m okay.” 

Jay didn’t look okay, but Mike didn’t contradict him, just rubbed his neck for a little bit longer before guiding him back so that he’d sit up straight. Jay’s eyes were dry but red-rimmed, and he had a hard time meeting Mike’s gaze when Mike turned his chin. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Mike said when Jay finally looked him in the eyes. 

Jay looked away again. He didn’t seem convinced, or like he was willing to speak another word.

So Mike’s plan to keep him in normal-ish mode for the whole evening had totally backfired. 

Great.

Mike left his hand on Jay’s leg for most of the remainder of the drive home. Jay stayed silent in the passenger seat. Mike had seen Jay beat himself up over stupid shit in the past, because he was a perfectionist and hard on himself in general, but he’d never witnessed a meltdown like that one in nine years of knowing him. A lump formed in his throat when he realized this might be his fault, and the creeping feeling that he’d been doing something wrong all along had slammed into him full force by the time they reached his apartment building.

Jay seemed lost when they were in Mike’s apartment. He didn’t even take his coat off, just stood in the foyer staring into space until Mike stepped into his line of sight and tipped his jaw up so that their eyes met. Jay had his lips pressed together like he was holding in something he didn’t want to say. 

“What do you need?” Mike asked-- Forcefully, because Jay would respond better to that than unexpected softness or any other shift in their routine just then. “Tell me,” he added, more sharply when Jay just let his mouth drop open. 

“Um,” Jay said. “I, ah--” 

“Do you need me to tell you?”

“Yes, please, yes--” 

“Get on your knees then, and pay attention.”

Jay dropped into position, still wearing his coat. His eyes were fucking shining when he gazed up at Mike, and Mike could hear it as clearly as he would have if Jay was letting himself say the words: thank you, thank you, thank you. 

“Unbutton your coat,” Mike said, keeping his voice and his expression hard. It hurt him a little to do so, but it was what Jay needed. “Slowly,” he snapped when Jay’s hands flew to his coat buttons. 

“Yes-- Sorry, yes’sir.” 

“Don’t speak unless I ask you to.”

Jay nodded rapidly, wide-eyed and holding Mike’s gaze as he slowly undid his coat buttons.

“Take the coat off and hand it to me,” Mike said. He could fucking taste Jay’s relief on the air as he obeyed, his gratitude at having commands to follow and that Mike was starting off easy. “Good,” Mike said, taking the coat from him and giving Jay’s cheek a quick caress with his other hand. “Now the hoodie and your work shirt. Don’t rush.”

Mike felt better, too, acting like this again, because it was what they were both comfortable with. It hadn’t unwound the uneasy knot in his stomach, but it was still a relief to know they could fall into this, even if it meant they’d made themselves too demented to keep it from seeping more and more into every other facet of their lives.

When Jay was shirtless, Mike tossed all the clothes he’d stripped off aside. Jay’s posture was perfect, his back slightly arched and his chest presented for Mike’s attention, nipples hard. He’d gained a little weight in the weeks since they’d started this thing, though Mike had mixed some healthy stuff in with the lazier meals he served during the work week. Mike had lost a few pounds himself as a result, and also because his hyper-fixation on fucking Jay had caused him to drink a lot less during the work week and even on the weekends.

“Very nice,” Mike said, stepping back to admire Jay. “You look perfect there, on your knees for me after my work day. You can say thank you.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Jay said, flushing more deeply. His pupils had gotten so fat, and he was breathing faster. 

“Here you go,” Mike said, reaching out to tilt Jay’s head upward just a bit more. “Suck,” he said, bringing the thumb on his other hand to Jay’s parted lips. “Good boy, yeah. Just like that. Look at you, fuck. So good for me.”

Mike was ignoring his own internal panic, trying to fall completely into this while Jay’s eyes sank shut and he sucked on Mike’s thumb eagerly, placated. Had Mike, like, broken him? What was happening?

For the time being, Mike’s priority was to keep Jay calm like this. Jay had been on the verge of a fucking panic attack in the car, almost hyperventilating. Mike would figure out why, but later. Right now, this was clearly what Jay needed: commands, Mike’s voice alternating between rough orders and soft praise, and something of Mike’s in his mouth, which always seemed to calm in instantly. 

“I’m gonna do whatever I want to you tonight,” Mike said, which was his way of telling Jay he could relax, that he wouldn’t have to do anything more than take it. Jay sighed around Mike’s thumb and nodded in acknowledgment, eyes closed. “You just take it easy and be good for me,” Mike said, petting Jay’s cheek with the hand that wasn’t in his mouth. “I know that’s what you need. Know just how to take care of you, don’t I?”

Jay moaned affirmatively, nodding. 

Mike took him into the bedroom and had him strip the rest of his clothes off and kneel at the end of the bed, bent forward onto it so the mattress hit him mid-chest. Mike’s knees were killing him when he got down behind Jay on the floor, but he ignored the pain. This was Jay’s favorite position, though he usually preferred to have his hands tied together instead of just resting flat on the bed like they were now. Mike didn’t want to mess with any restraints at the moment. Jay needed him to be firm in his decisiveness but physically gentle. Mike might be totally lost for how to help Jay with whatever he was dealing with outside of this game, but he knew Jay’s moods within the game well by then, and how to satisfy each one of them.

“Good boy,” Mike said when Jay was relaxed against the bed and ready for him, his cheek lowered to the mattress between his outstretched arms. Mike rubbed his hands over Jay’s back and down to his ass, then back up again, pinched his neck gently. Jay made soft, buried noises and stayed perfectly still for him, hard and waiting. Mike left him like this sometimes, usually not for long if he was on his knees, but Jay didn’t seem worried about that now. There was no tension left in him, just surrender. He knew Mike was going to take care of him. This wasn’t the car, where Mike would sometimes jab at Jay with those questions he hated or requests to return to reality like the one that had set him off on the way home, and it wasn’t the shop, where Jay would have to wait all day to get what Mike would only give him when their shift ended. This was Jay’s sanctuary, where he didn’t have to do anything but submit. Mike felt like his apartment belonged more to Jay than it did to him, by that point. He took his time petting Jay all over and letting him float within the feeling of knowing he was okay now, here.

“You need me, don’t you?” Mike said, because maybe he required some comfort, too, after that incident in the car. “You can answer.”

“Yes,” Jay said, his voice muffled against the mattress. “Mike.” 

“I’m here, don’t worry. Gonna give you what you need now. You’re my good boy, Jay. Gonna show you how true that is, gonna make you feel it.” 

Mike leaned in to kiss the back of Jay’s neck, then stood to get the lube, swallowing down the urge to shout at the pain his knees, especially the left one. He needed-- He didn’t fucking know, something. He wasn’t good at not going all-in when he found some new thing that felt good and made him want to indulge all the time. Jay was usually the disciplined one, and even he was lost to this, apparently. Maybe they’d just fuck each other to death. Mike could think of worse ways to go. 

Despite the ache in his knees, Mike continued to take his time when he was on the floor behind Jay again, though not in the teasing way he did when Jay was waiting to be filled, fucked, allowed to come. He leaned over Jay’s back and let Jay feel that he’d stripped all his clothes off, too, giving Jay the skin to skin contact that made him press back for more. Jay made grateful little gulping noises and went still again when Mike cupped a hand gently around his throat, his other hand sliding down to grip Jay’s straining cock with the opposite amount of pressure, tight and possessive. Jay’s pulse was racing under Mike’s thumb, his breath getting choppy just for this. Mike stroked his thumb over the flutter of Jay’s pulse and squeezed Jay’s cock until he knew it would hurt just a little, just right. Jay whined and shuddered against him. Mike grinned against the back of Jay’s ear when he felt more precome leaking from the head of Jay’s dick, dribbling down over Mike’s fingers when Mike started to stroke him. 

“So good for me,” Mike said, sliding his thumb up to drag it roughly through the sticky mess at the head of Jay’s cock, along the slit. “Letting your slutty little cock get all sloppy for me, mph. That’s a good boy, so fucking full you can’t hold it all in.”

Jay whimpered and rolled his shoulders back against Mike’s chest, starting to get sweaty for him, too. He needed this so bad. Mike felt cruel for having suggested they could take a break, as if he’d asked Jay not to eat for a full day. Mike needed it, too, more than he’d realized. His cock was throbbing with the need to be inside Jay, to fuck his good boy until Jay was coming on Mike’s dick, coming apart for him, shattered and sinking into the place where the only word he knew was Mike’s name.

Mike slicked himself and didn’t even bother with fingers. Jay liked it better like this, when the first thing that slipped inside him all day was the fat head of Mike’s cock. They both groaned, and Jay inched his knees apart a little wider on the floor, probably without even realizing he’d done it. He always adjusted himself like he needed to make more room for Mike inside him, bowing into the feeling of letting him in and getting filled.

“Fuck yes,” Mike said, teeth grit as he continued to sink in slow. “Fuck, Jay, _yeah_ , goddamn. So fucking tight for me. So good.” 

Mike didn’t hold back with the praise or even really listen to what was coming out of his mouth. Jay drank it in with little whimpers of gratitude, clenching up around Mike’s dick when it was finally all in, Mike’s hips pressed snugly to Jay’s ass and Mike’s mouth moving lazily on the back of Jay’s neck, panting hot breath against his skin. Mike slid his arms over Jay’s on the bed and pinned his hands down. He could never get enough of how tiny Jay’s hands looked when they were pressed under his.

“Love that so much, Jay,” Mike said, speaking right into Jay’s ear, his hips already stuttering forward in shallow rolls. “How well you take me in, fucking hell. Sweet little ass of yours, mph. So willing and well-trained. Feels so good on my dick.” 

Jay whined softly and squeezed up around him, his fingers twitching under Mike’s. Jay’s eyes were closed. Mike wasn’t sure Jay knew his own name at the moment, but he felt like Jay knew who was inside him, who he belonged to, where this feeling of security came from.

They stayed like that for a long time, Mike fucking into Jay in slow, smooth strokes of his cock, Jay just taking it and sighing in contentment. Mike kissed the corner of the half-smile that always crept onto Jay’s lips when he felt this good. He kept the praise coming and stroked his hands up and down Jay’s sides while fucking him in increasingly longer, deeper thrusts. The pain in his knees was there, but it had become part of the pleasure of this, too, because he was taking care of Jay, giving him what he needed, being the strong one who did the dirty work for his little pillow prince. 

Mike was losing his mind for this whole thing, too, he decided. There was no going back, though. He moaned against Jay’s throat and fucked him harder, letting his rhythm dissolve as he snaked his hand down to hold Jay’s cock again. 

Jay gasped at the feeling of Mike’s hand clutching him, clenched up tight around his dick and let his hand curl into a fist under Mike’s sweaty palm. 

“Come for me now,” Mike said, muttering this low and deep, his lips moving against Jay’s ear while he kept fucking into him. “Jay. Let it all out. Want to feel my good boy coming hard on my cock.” 

Jay groaned and started pulsing in Mike’s grip, not even needing to be stroked. Once he was emptying himself Mike pumped him roughly, milking it out for him and growling with approval, fucking him through it. 

“Oh,” Jay said, watery and weak, sort of lost-sounding while Mike squeezed out the last drops. “Mike,” he said, maybe to ground himself. “Mikemikemike, Miiike--”

“Shh,” Mike said, without thinking. He didn’t really want to Jay to stop saying his name, just wanted to soothe him. “So good, that was, ngh, so fucking good, my good boy, fucking perfect for me, jesus, you, ah, you fucking earned this, gonna fill you up, nice and deep, _fuck_ \--”

Mike came saying Jay’s name, moaning it out from deep in his chest like the highest praise and hoping Jay was recovered enough from his own orgasm to even hear it, or register it as his name, for that matter. Mike collapsed onto Jay’s back as he emptied himself, feeling like every pulse of his dick inside Jay’s ass was a full-body flicker that blinked him in and out of reality, back and forth between his overheated body and some better place, though being in his body felt pretty fucking fantasic just then, too. 

“Jay,” Mike said when he was soaring through the last aftershocks, his mouth slack against the side of Jay’s neck. “Fuck. Mph. So fuckin’ good, shit.”

“Nghh,” Jay said, drooling onto the bedsheets.

Mike grunted and pulled out of Jay with a wince, because he’d not taken any precautions and now big globs of his come were dropping onto the carpet. He decided to care about that later and helped Jay climb fully onto the bed. Jay was shaky and bleary-eyed, reaching for Mike. 

“Lemme get a towel,” Mike said, leaning down to kiss Jay’s face. “Be right back.”

“Mike,” Jay said, sounding like he’d cry, like Mike denying him his body heat for ten seconds was going to end him. 

“Stop,” Mike said. “I need to clean you. Don’t be a brat.”

Jay huffed and seemed comforted by the direct order, his eyes sliding shut. Mike left him there and went into the bathroom to dampen a towel that would do for clean-up before he could ease Jay into the shower. Then there would be dinner, and early to bed most likely, their usual routine. Mike glanced himself in the bathroom mirror while cleaning his dick, disliking how easily he’d abandoned his idea for a chill, sexless evening that featured like, actual conversation. 

But it hadn’t been easy, he reminded himself, hurrying back to Jay. The reaction he’d gotten from Jay at the suggestion that they take a single night off had been a big, glaring red flag that maybe should have steered Mike away from the kind of scene they’d just played out, but he couldn’t deny it had made them both feel better. Jay was pliant and sighing happily while Mike wiped him down and when he guided him under the blankets for a post-fuck cuddle, Jay’s cheek coming to rest on Mike’s chest. Jay liked to listen to Mike’s heartbeat for a while after they fucked. It seemed to call him back from wherever he went. 

“Warm enough?” Mike asked when their sex sweat cooled. Jay was clutching at him under the blankets, dozy but not really asleep. 

“Mhm,” Jay said, nodding. “Mike.”

“Yeah?”

Jay looked up at him, and Mike was startled and then relieved to see Jay looking shockingly cognizant, post-sex. 

“You do take good care of me,” Jay said, still sounding a bit like he’d been hypnotized and was admitting this without realizing it. “You really do.” 

“Well.” Mike cleared his throat. Now was not the time to get emotional. He swept his fingers over Jay’s ruddy cheek. “You’re mine, ain’t ya?”

“Yes.”

“So of course I take good care of you. Just want to give you everything you need, so. You better fucking tell me if there’s something you’re not getting from me, anything you need. Got that?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, ‘cause it’s an order.” 

Mike kissed Jay’s face all over, until Jay was laughing a little, his knees curling up against Mike’s stomach. They fit together so well. Mike already couldn’t imagine falling asleep without being curved around the shape of Jay’s body under the blankets.

The rest of the evening went as Mike expected, and in the morning Jay seemed groggy but okay. They rubbed their faces together on the pillow sleepily as usual, after Mike had hit the snooze button. Generally they didn’t kiss in the morning, and they never fucked, but they sort of groped each other awake gently, soaking each other’s body heat in until the last possible moment, when they had to abandon the warmth of the bed or be late for work.

“Just tell me one thing,” Mike said when they were stuck in traffic on the way there, Jay playing with the radio as usual.

“Hm?” Jay said, still scanning through stations. 

“I don’t know if you’re okay, um. I don’t know if I am either. I’m not sure I know what it means to be okay or if I really give a shit, but. Are you happy? Like this? With me?”

Mike glanced over at Jay, afraid he might have just inspired another meltdown and pretty sure that the terror of maybe being rejected was also written all over his face. He still held Jay’s uncertain gaze, waiting for an answer. 

“I’ve always been happy with you,” Jay said. He looked mildly confused, but not upset. “And this is the best it’s ever been, like. I feel, um--” Jay looked down at his knee and picked at a loose thread on the seam of his jeans. “You always made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the world. Even when I wasn’t sure if you actually liked me. We were always on the same side. When you’re fucking me it’s like that feeling times a thousand, so. I know I’m like, going through something, and that I’m this kind of like freakish nightmare person that everybody eventually wants to give up on and nuke from orbit--”

“Jesus christ, you are not!”

“I am, though, but, listen.” Jay looked up at Mike, frowning like he was ready to get angry if he had to. “Just, please, like. Please go through this with me, if you can. If you want to. And if you don’t, end it now and don’t ever mention it again.” 

He was saying this just as Mike pulled up to the repair shop, into the tiny lot behind the building. Mike was breathing hard, felt like he was going to explode from some combination of weepy relief and real rage, almost but not quite at Jay, for having the nerve to think he was a nightmare for Mike, or for anyone. 

“Jay,” Mike said, tearing his seatbelt off and turning toward him. “You’re grafted to my fucking soul. If we ended this it would rip out half of my vital organs and I’d be a useless, shredded corpse. All I’m asking is if you’re happy, and how to make you happy if you’re not.”

“I’m happy,” Jay said. He looked startled, then pleased, pressing his lips down around a grin that he didn’t want to show Mike, for some reason. Maybe he just wanted to look as serious as possible about his answer, so Mike would believe him. 

“Great,” Mike said. He grabbed Jay’s hand and kissed his palm like they were sealing a pact. “Now we’ve got to sit through our shift together, jesus.”

“I can handle it,” Jay said, and when he let that grin break onto his face, Mike couldn’t resist leaning over for a real kiss.

*

Mike had always hated the month of April. There was something cursed about it, between the continued awful midwestern weather that would likely last through the following month and the way the ice and snow turned to filthy slush while the skies stayed persistently gray overhead. It also felt like an uncomfortable time of transition, even though the weather stayed unchanged. When he was younger it had to do with end of year exams at school and his anxiety about summer, when all his friends would go on fun vacations and act like they didn’t have a care in the fucking world while Mike had to work like a dog for his father’s boat hauling business during the busy season. Now that he was grown up and free from that hell he wasn’t sure why he still hated April, but it inevitably filled him with dread. 

This year he had Jay and their cozy weirdness to calm his bad feelings, until two things happened in April that upset their demented apple cart. 

The first was a phone call from Josh-- To Mike’s cell phone, which was annoying enough on its own. Mike was out shopping for groceries when he answered the call, not recognizing the number. He would have screened it, otherwise.

“Heyyy,” Josh said, and Mike snarled when he recognized his voice. 

“How’d you get this number?” Mike asked.

“Jay gave it to me years ago. You’re basically his emergency contact.”

“Oh,” Mike said, touched. “Well, what’s the fucking emergency?” Mike had left Jay asleep in bed at the apartment. It was Sunday afternoon, and they’d had incredible sex the night before, involving an elaborate role play scenario wherein Mike pretended to have purchased virgin Jay from a sex auction. 

Josh signed into the phone. Obnoxiously.

“What?” Mike snapped. He was in the produce section, where he’d been considering buying beets, because that seemed like the kind of health food shit Jay would appreciate. 

“I was just wondering if Jay is okay,” Josh said. “I barely hear from him, lately, and when I stopped by the shop last week he seemed. Kinda weird, like. Out of it?”

“When was this?” Mike asked, his stomach lurching.

“I maaaay have waited until I saw you leave to go pick up something for lunch. No offense, but, well. You don’t like me, so I was avoiding you.”

“I don’t-- Even think of you, what? The hell are you even talking about, what did Jay say?”

“Not much, actually. He seemed, um. Nervous? Cagey? Not like himself? I dunno. Just wanted to see if you knew what was up with him, because I was talking to Mandy and she said he seemed the same way, last time she talked to him on the phone.”

“Fuck Mandy.” She was almost without a doubt one of the girls who’d slapped Jay around at his request in the past. She was the type, and one of the few he’d ever attempted to date.

“Fine, fuck Mandy,” Josh said, letting Mike hear that he was annoyed. “But do you think Jay is okay? You know him best.”

“He’s fine. Stay out of it.”

Mike hung up. His heart was slamming, palms sweating. He felt like he’d just found out the cops were onto him for a crime he’d definitely committed, one he’d known he wouldn’t get away with. 

He gathered the rest of the groceries in a rush, foregoing beets, and hurried home to Jay. He wasn’t surprised to see Jay was still asleep in bed when he got there. It was almost one o'clock, but Jay slept-- A lot. Mike had noticed this early on in their cohabitating thing, and it seemed to be getting out of hand, with Jay spending most of the weekend napping between bouts of sex. Suddenly this had Mike in a cold sweat, too, because jesus what if it meant something was wrong with Jay? And that wrong thing was, essentially, Mike?

“Hey,” Mike said, sitting on the bed and squeezing Jay’s shoulder, waking him. Jay rolled onto his side and squinted up at Mike. He smiled the way he always did when Mike returned to him, like Mike was the fucking sun and moon and the stars and oh nooooo, oh fuck. 

Mike had-- What? Warped him?

He smiled down at Jay, trying to not look like he was freaking out, and thought about what Jay had said the month before, in the car. He was going through something. Jay was aware of this, unconcerned, and wanted Mike to go through it with him. Mike would walk through hell a thousand times for Jay if that’s what he needed, so he had no problem at all with experiencing a prolonged sex fever with him, or whatever this was. He wasn’t sure if that meant it wasn’t a problem in general, however.

“What’s wrong?” Jay asked, shifting onto his back and studying Mike’s face.

“Nothing,” Mike said. “Sometimes I just wanna cry for how good you look, like this. All cuddled up in my bed. Letting me take care of you.”

This shit fell out of Mike’s mouth without permission, by that point. Jay beamed like he loved it, which was why Mike spouted it on autopilot, couldn’t stop. He also didn’t stop Jay from taking his hand and pulling it under the blanket, guiding Mike’s fingers to his hard nipples, then down to his stiffening, fat little prick.

“Get in here and take care of me, then,” Jay said.

Mike whimpered and said he would, that he just had to put the groceries away first.

He paced around the kitchen after doing so, dragging his hands over his face. The smart, adult thing to do, to quench his own fears if nothing else, would be to go in there and tell Jay they needed to have a serious conversation about how he was doing with all this, where it was going, and if the sleeping all the time thing meant he was depressed or ill or just hibernating to hide from his feelings.

Mike knew it wasn’t going to happen. He walked to the bedroom door, wary, and let out a long, deep breath when he saw Jay naked on top of the blankets, sucking on one of his fingers while he teased his already well-fucked ass with his other hand, pulling himself open just enough to show Mike that he was still pink and tender down there.

“Need your mouth,” Jay said, because on weekend mornings he tended to ask for things, going into a greedy slut mode that Mike couldn’t resist. Mike was already taking off his pants, crossing the room. 

“Where do you need it, Jay,” Mike asked, giving him a dark stare that promised he was going to get it. 

“Mhm,” Jay said, rolling onto his stomach and arching his back. “Here,” he said, spreading his legs and looking back over his shoulder to show Mike his blush. “Please?”

“Did I leave you sore,” Mike said, crawling over to him, hard in his boxers and hot all over with arousal but also shame, because what oh what the fuck was he doing anymore?

“Yeah,” Jay said, turning his face against the blankets. “Fix it, Mike, please. Need you.” 

Mike ate Jay out until Jay came with a shout against the mattress that he’d been humping the whole time. Mike kept licking at him, jerking himself to completion while he still had his face buried between Jay’s ass cheeks. 

Then they took a nap, later made waffles. By early evening Mike had done what he could to push Josh’s phone call out of his mind. Because what the fuck did Josh know about this, about Jay? Nothing, basically. Fuck him, and fuck Mandy even harder. She was probably just jealous, sensing that Mike had stolen the perfect little praise-hungry sub she’d failed to satisfy. 

April continued, and Mike feared more shitstorms were headed their way. When Jay got a call on his cell during their shift and returned from the back room looking pensive, Mike’s stomach pinched up. 

“Everything okay?” Mike asked, fake casual.

“Oh-- Yeah.” Jay shrugged and smacked the bottom of his phone against his palm. “That was my mom. My little brother just got engaged.”

“Aw,” Mike said. “He wants you to be a groomsman or something?”

“What-- No, I don’t think so. She was just asking me to help with this engagement party she wants to throw for him.”

“Gross. What’d you say?”

“I said I’d have to get back to her, um.” Jay gave Mike a nervous look, fidgeting. “I felt like, like. Like I should ask you, uh. If I can.”

“If you can-- Oh.” Mike looked away, mildly disgusted with himself for liking this so much. He’d long wanted to order Jay to tell his fucked up family to stop expecting so many favors from him just because he was single, had what they saw as an undemanding retail job, and desperately wanted them to like him even now. “No,” Mike said, turning back to Jay. “Your mother is retired. She can plan a fucking party without your help.”

“She was just asking me to--”

“I said no, Jay. I’ll go to the wedding with you, if you want. But screw the engagement party, that’s excessive.”  
  
Jay took a deep breath and exhaled. Mike sat there waiting for Jay to realize this was grotesque, that Mike couldn’t actually tell him what to do on that level. 

“Okay,” Jay said. He smiled a little, looked relieved. “You’re right. I’ll tell her I’m busy.”

“That’s goddamn right you are,” Mike said, flushed with a queasy combination of answering relief and the sense that he was an irredeemable monster for experiencing said relief. 

Mike eavesdropped on Jay’s phone call with his mother at the end of their shift. He could tell by Jay’s responses that she was annoyed and that Jay felt guilty. When Jay hung up he came out of the back room looking a little dazed. Mike reached for him, took him by the arm and pulled him over for a hug. Jay clung to Mike until a loud truck passed by on the street outside, jarring him back into work mode.

“Would you ever want to get married?” Mike asked when they were on the drive home, Jay slumped and quiet in the passenger seat.

“To you?” Jay asked.

“I, uh, yeah--”

“It’s not really for me,” Jay said. “But, um. There’s. One thing. I would do.” 

“Yeah?” Mike said. Marriage wasn’t really his thing either, and he wasn’t going to push Jay on that point. Jay had always said he would never marry or have children. It was a divorce trauma-related thing, Mike figured, and best left alone. “What thing?” Mike asked when Jay just chewed on his lip.

“You could collar me,” Jay said, still staring straight ahead while his face went pink.

Mike started to laugh, then realized he was serious. 

“What’s that mean exactly?” Mike asked, surprised. Generally Jay wasn’t into the terminology and heavy symbolism related to what they were to each other. Or so Mike had thought.

“It would mean whatever you’d want it to mean,” Jay said, looking spaced out, like the very idea of this was sending him to his nowhere place. “‘Cause it would be your collar,” he said, glancing over at Mike. 

“Huh,” Mike said.

They were both quiet for a while, the car stopped at a red light behind a city bus.   
  
“It’s fine if you think it’s stupid,” Jay said.

“I don’t,” Mike said, sharply, so Jay would know he meant it. “I’m just thinking about all the rules I’d make. New rules. Because you’d want some, wouldn’t you? New rules to go with my collar?”

Jay’s mouth dropped open. He exhaled audibly and nodded, eyes locked on Mike’s, face blazing.

“Yes,” he said, in a choked little whisper.

The driver behind them honked, and they both jumped in their seats. The light had changed and the bus in front of them had pulled away, clearing the intersection ahead.   
  
“Ey, fuck you!” Mike said, turning back to shout this at the car behind them, as if the driver would hear him with all the windows closed. “Asshole,” Mike muttered, his heart thundering as he stepped heavy on the gas and shot through the intersection, driving fast for the rest of the way home and thinking about what new rules he’d make for Jay, what the collar would look like, and when Jay would be expected to wear it for him, which would be one of the rules, the first one.

They had intense sex before dinner that night, which wasn’t unusual, and Mike held Jay’s wrists together over his head while he fucked him, thinking about how he’d look with a collar on his neck. Jay was probably thinking about it, too, or seeing this on Mike’s face, because he came fast, crying Mike’s name out. Mike sucked a bruise onto the side of Jay’s neck and kept fucking him hard, feeling like a king. 

Jay fell asleep with his head in Mike’s lap after dinner as usual, on the sofa. Mike carried him to bed, tucked him in and kissed his cheek, then went to do some research on his old desktop computer out in the living room. He’d really been falling down on the job of dressing Jay up in various outfits, he decided, browsing around for information about collars for people. He had a little red ribbon leftover from some Christmas packaging that he liked to tie into a bow around Jay’s cock when it was hard and waiting to be touched by Mike, but that was it so far. 

Mike searched for ‘role play collars’ and cringed away from all the cheesy, bedazzled images that popped up, including one for sale on Etsy that had DADDY’S LITTLE CUM SLUT etched into it. That was not at all what Mike had been picturing. He wanted something classy, befitting their serious commitment to each other. Jay deserved the best. 

Trying to go down this avenue and avoiding the gaudier stuff lead Mike to a website entitled ‘Ceremony Ideas For Your Official Collaring.’ At the top of the page there was a picture of a woman’s hands cupped around some red roses. This was the type of thing Mike had in mind, no tails or spikes in sight, and he checked over his shoulder to make sure Jay hadn’t wandered in, because Jay would probably laugh at this. He usually wasn’t much of a romantic. But Mike was, and it was his goddamn collar Jay would be wearing, so.

The ceremony page had a sidebar with words that Mike’s eyes wandered to while he read about involving witnesses, which Jay would most definitely not want, which was a shame, because Mike would love to invite Mandy and some of Jay’s other exes to see him stake his claim on what they’d missed out on. The sidebar made Mike start to sweat a little bit, and he got up to grab a beer, telling himself he shouldn’t give in to curiosity and click. 

Because there were words like ‘Basics’ and ‘Lifestyle,’ stuff Mike had been trying not to think about. He liked the idea that they weren’t following anybody’s bullshit rules, that they were making this up for each other as they went. 

He was just starting to also feel like maybe that was the worst idea he’d ever had. He’d asked Jay during dinner if he wanted to go see a movie that weekend, because they hadn’t been out together like that in a while. Jay had said sure, and when Mike asked him if there was anything he’d been looking forward to seeing, Jay had just shrugged. 

“Whatever you want is fine,” Jay had said, sweet and sincere, Mike’s little zombie boyfriend, on his knees and waiting for the next morsel of whatever Mike was willing to feed him. 

Which was not good.

Mike sighed and resumed his seat, now with a beer in hand. He clicked on ‘Basics,’ steeling himself. 

He finished three beers while reading about consent and communication, checklists and contracts. He decided he hated this formality shit, that Jay would hate it even more, and switched back to looking for the perfect, simple yet high quality black collar. 

He found one eventually, on a specialty site for sex toys that wasn’t as tacky as the others he’d browsed through. This one was for serious adults, with nice web design and no dorky ad copy full of puns. Mike tried to tell himself he was a serious adult, clicking through the customizable options on the collar he wanted for Jay, which was real leather, one inch wide and adjustable in length, with a black metal buckle. He’d sweated through both sleeves of his t-shirt by the time his cursor was hovering over the ‘Add to Cart’ button on the site, after which he’d be able to customize the word embossed into the interior on the leather. It would be Mike’s name, of course. Simple and to the point. 

He cursed and picked up his phone, scowling at his contact list as he browsed through it. He couldn’t order this fucking collar, couldn’t put it on Jay, didn’t deserve it. He deserved to be berated and maybe arrested, so he sent a message to someone who would definitely be up for torturing him at length, someone whose name Mike had added to his contacts just so he’d remember not to answer his calls.

Fucking Josh.

 _are you working tomorrow_ , Mike sent. 

Josh responded after just a few minutes.

_At the bookstore? Yes. Why do you ask?_

Mike groaned. He told himself to act like a fucking adult and stop pretending whatever was going on with Jay was going to resolve itself with the help of Mike’s dick and nothing else.

 _I need to talk to you_ , Mike sent. _I’ll stop by at noon_

_Sure thing, Mike. Hope everything’s ok_

Mike snarled down at his phone, then felt his face crumble and had to bite his bottom lip hard when it trembled. He hoped so, too.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Midpoint theme song!!:
> 
> [Someday by Julia Jacklin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl9FV9thfRE)


	8. Chapter 8

On the way to work the next morning, Mike told Jay he had to run an errand during their lunch break. 

“Can I come with you?” Jay asked.

Mike suppressed the urge to wince. It had been a while since they’d been apart for longer than it took Mike to run to the store while Jay stayed tucked into Mike’s bed. 

“You can’t come,” Mike said, firmly. This was an order Jay was familiar with, in a different context. If Mike made this seem like part of the game, Jay would remain calm and not get suspicious. “It’s part of a surprise for you,” he said, feeling like a piece of shit. 

Jay snorted and gave Mike a look.

“I don’t like surprises that much,” he said.

“Tough shit,” Mike said. “You’re getting one, and I need you to stay at the shop while I make arrangements. That’s an order, so don’t give me any crap.”

“Yes, sir,” Jay said, looking like he always did when Mike gave him no room to argue with what he wanted: relieved, calm, pushed back into his surrendered place. Mike reached over to pat him on the thigh approvingly. 

Mike was already sweating under his work shirt by the time they unlocked the shop, though it was a cold morning as usual. The day was going to crawl by, and he’d already spent a mostly sleepless night imagining all the ways Josh would tell him he was garbage, also stupid, for getting himself and Jay into this situation. 

When it was finally ten till noon, Mike couldn’t wait any longer. He gave Jay a kiss on the forehead and told him to go to the back room and eat his lunch, confident that Jay would do exactly as he asked and that there would therefore be no risk of Jay so much as spotting Mike’s walk down to the bookstore. Mike locked the shop up on his way out, feeling weird about leaving Jay there by himself, as if he’d be vulnerable to robbers or something. 

Jay was a fully competent adult who could take care of himself. Mike told himself this over and over as he walked to the bookstore, his hands balled into fists inside his coat pockets. 

The bookstore was a nightmare from hipster hell that Mike avoided like the plague under normal circumstances. Josh and Jay shared a love of miniatures, and Jay had helped Josh make a dozen or so twee little dioramas that sat in random nooks on the bookshelves, designed to look like portals into tiny worlds between books. There was a taxidermied parrot that sat beside the antique cash register, and the music was always annoying, today’s selection no exception when Mike pushed inside and tried not to scowl too menacingly at Josh, who was smiling at him from behind the counter. 

“You mind if we head over to the tea shop for lunch?” Josh asked, grabbing the obnoxious old fishing jacket he always wore instead of a regular coat. “It’s a good place to talk,” Josh added when Mike just stood there contemplating an afternoon at a fucking tea shop with this guy.

“Sounds fine,” he said, because he was doing this for Jay’s sake, not for fun.

“Wonderful. Let me just tell my associate we’re heading out.”

Mike contained a groan at Josh calling the mousy girl who stocked shelves at the bookstore his ‘associate’ and wandered over to peer in at one of the little miniature dioramas. He was pretty sure it was one Jay had helped Josh design, because it was a spooky nighttime courtyard scene, with tiny bricks and a working lampost that was lit with a single fairy light. Looking at it made Mike’s chest ache. He’d made fun of Jay for loving this kind of shit in the past, and he still thought it was pretty dumb, but now he would give anything to come home and find Jay painting distress lines onto tiny paving bricks instead of sleeping in Mike’s bed while waiting for Mike to use him or feed him again. 

“So,” Josh said when he was seated across from Mike at a little table in the tea shop, which was just as Mike had pictured it, as twee and mannered as one of Josh’s miniature bookshelf nooks. “You wanted to talk to me-- I assume about Jay?”

“Yes,” Mike said, staring at the glass bottle of Coke that the waitress had brought him. Josh was drinking loose leaf tea, of course, and had ordered a ‘grain bowl’ for lunch, like some kind of goddamn parakeet. Mike had asked for a sandwich, not sure what sort of approximation of one would be brought to him here.

“Sooo,” Josh said again, eyebrows lifting when Mike looked up at him. “Is something going on with him?”

Mike groaned, wishing he’d ordered a rum and Coke. But he needed to do this sober and take it fucking seriously. 

“We’re together,” Mike said. “Me and Jay. We’ve-- We’re basically living together.”

“Ohhh,” Josh said, in a way that made Mike want to flip the table.

“What’s that supposed to mean.”

“What’s-- What?”

“The way you said ‘ohhh,’ like being with me explains why you think Jay is acting weird.”

“No, I just-- Wait, how long has this been going on, exactly?”

“Since like, mid-February. So, uh. About two months, I guess.”

“Hmm, okay. Look, I didn’t mean any offense, just. Ah-- Well. Most of us figured out Jay was in love with you years ago, so. I’m sure it’s a big deal for him, is all I meant.” 

Mike felt himself flushing at the mention of Jay being in love with him. Jay hadn’t said so yet, and Mike hadn’t said it to Jay either. He wasn’t entirely sure why. 

“It’s a big deal to me, too,” Mike said. “I-- uh. Also love him.” 

“Yeah, we figured that out a while back, too.” 

“What-- Who the fuck is we?” 

“Jay’s friends. You know, the people you loathe because they have the nerve to temporarily take his attention away from you? Or did, anyway, before he ditched all of us indefinitely, for this relationship with you, I guess.” Josh narrowed his eyes when Mike just sat there scowling at him, also blushing. “You’re worried about him, too, aren’t you?” 

“I--” Mike was glad when their lunch plates arrived so that he wouldn’t have to admit that yes, he was. His sandwich was loaded with sprouts, and the bread had walnuts in it. Josh’s grain bowl actually looked better, though only marginally. “Look,” Mike snapped, watching Josh pull a baggie of some powdery, red substance out of his jacket pocket and sprinkle some of it onto his grains. “The fuck is that?” Mike asked, ready to berate him for getting high off magic mushrooms or whatever that shit was. 

“It’s smoked paprika,” Josh said.

“Why the fuck do you-- You know what, never mind. Jay is-- Yeah, I guess I have some concerns, sure. What do you know about his like, past dating life? He won’t tell me shit.”

“He’s barely talked about it with me,” Josh said. “But Mandy has shared some-- Things.”

“Things like what.”

“I don’t know if I should talk about this with you, Mike. I mean, it’s kind of a betrayal of Jay--”

“I’m really fucking worried about him!” Mike said, pounding the table with his fist and upsetting a salt shaker that was for some reason shaped like a pig. “Okay? So, just. You don’t have to give me all the gory details, but I can’t get him to talk to me without him completely freaking out and, like, saying all this self-hating shit that makes me back off and avoid the subject, and now he’s sleeping all the time, won’t even pick which fucking movie we watch, but he says he’s happy--”

Mike made himself stop talking. His face was on fire. He took a huge bite from his sandwich. It was surprisingly tasty. 

“Oh boy,” Josh said.

“Yeah, ‘oh boy’,” Mike said, still chewing. “So, like, anything you could share with me about what Jay’s fucking deal is would be really appreciated, thanks.”

“Well, first of all, maybe give me some context for how you two finally ended up getting together? Was there, like, an emotional confession?”

Mike thought of Jay stupid drunk at the bar, telling Mike that he liked to be good for people. 

“Sorta,” Mike said, muttering.

“I’m gonna need a little more information than that, Mike.”

“Uhh, we were drinking, and he let something slip about what he likes in bed.” It had been more like Mike badgering Jay when he saw his opportunity to coerce this out of him, but never mind. “Then I started doing that thing. At first just at work. Then at home. Now it’s kinda. Nonstop. That thing. That he likes.”

Josh made a face. Mike glowered at him and ate more of his sandwich, wanting to hold it over his burning face. 

“Hmm,” Josh said. “Mandy seemed to imply Jay is into some pretty hardcore, um. Humiliation stuff.” 

“I guess that’s one word for it,” Mike said, dying inside. “He likes being bossed around. Maybe I’m too good at it. I don’t know how to stop without causing him a mental break.” 

“Wow,” Josh said. “Okay.” 

“So help me out here, like. Where’s all this coming from? Who made him like this? Fucking Mandy? Some evil guy from a sex club? That Jeff asshole?”

“Jeff?” Josh scoffed. “Uh, no, though I guess they did fuck a few times. Mike, don’t take this the wrong way, but isn’t Jay like, your best friend?”

“Yeah, so? You know how he is, he doesn’t talk about this shit. Even now that we’re having sex with each other, he still won’t talk about it, like, goddamn--”

“I’m not even strictly talking about sex,” Josh said. “Like, yes, he’s infamously prudish about ever talking about it while also being extremely kinky, but. I was talking more about, like. His childhood, you know, all that stuff?”

“What, that his parents were assholes?”

“I don’t know if ‘assholes’ is how he’d characterize it. They got divorced when he was five--”

“Yeah, yeah, I know all that,” Mike said, not wanting this to turn into Josh acting like he was some kind of Jay lore expert while Mike was a filthy casual. 

“Well, then you know where his feelings of worthlessness come from. His parents remarried super quick and had those new kids with their sparkly new partners, and Jay felt abandoned by his mother and detested by his stepmother, the dads were both totally checked out when it came to parenting him, and from the age of like, seven onward he was free to watch movies where women were brutalized horrifically-- Mandy has a whole theory about this.”

“Of course she does.” Mike thought maybe he should be talking to her instead, but also felt like he couldn’t handle even looking at someone else who’d fucked Jay right now. 

“She thinks that’s where the self-hating stuff comes from. He has all kinds of guilt shit about what he gets off on, and, like, issues with women, according to Mandy.”

“Mandy’s got a big fucking mouth, apparently.” 

“Eh, maybe. She was pretty shaken up about the whole thing, honestly. She needed to confide in someone after it ended.”

“The whole-- What, her thing with Jay?”

“Yeah. She said it was, forgive me-- Hot, but she found it really draining and finally pretty depressing. Like, she started to wonder if it was even really about sex, because he couldn’t-- You know. He just wanted her to kick his ass and verbally abuse him, and she’d be like, hey, guy, can we also go on a date sometime? She said he’s like if an alien read about human kink and thought he understood it but was lacking like, every piece of basic knowledge about how to do it without emotionally destroying your partner.” 

This was too much information, but also exactly what Mike had come here for. He put his sandwich down, his appetite swiftly departing. 

“Don’t call it kink,” he said, scowling. “Eugh.”

“See, you’re like him,” Josh said, pointing his finger at Mike. “She said he never wanted to define anything or use safewords or have a civil conversation about it, so she dumped him. We’d always worry when he started hooking up with some dude we didn’t know, because, like, he basically wanted to get himself into a bad situation, seemed like. But then he was also in love with you, so the guys never stuck around long.” 

“How could you-- What gave you all that impression?” Mike still wasn’t sure he believed it himself. Jay loved something about him, or some things-- His cock, his dysfunctional approach to sex, his hands and his chest, but he’d never censored his dislike of plenty of other aspects of Mike’s life and opinions, prior to their shacking up together. 

“Ah,” Josh said, sighing like he was exhausted by having to explain these things to someone with an inferior intellect. “Mike, I don’t know. The way he’d talk about you. Especially when drinking. He’d get so exasperated in the pretense of complaining about you, and would reveal in the process that he had an immaculate memory of everything you’d ever said or done. And he would like, pretend to think the women you were dating were cool, in a really obviously insincere way that made it seem like he actually wanted to see their brains splattered on the ground.” 

“Whoa,” Mike said, ashamed by how hot he found this information. “I guess-- I kinda see what you mean. I always thought he was trying to flirt with them and failing terribly. But he just wanted to kill them.”

“Why are you smiling?” Josh asked, eyes narrowing again.

“I’m-- Not, fuck off!”

“Anyway,” Josh said, still giving Mike a slightly queasy, suspicious stare. “I think you’re his ultimate fantasy because you’re a tremendous dick to everyone, including him, but with him there’s this possessive, greedy tension under all of it, like. You know he got bullied pretty badly in middle school and stuff, right?”

“Uh.” Mike didn’t know that, actually. “I guess, I mean. Who didn’t.”

“Well-- Maybe you don’t know the whole story, I’ll let him tell you that, but you’re like the mythical bully who is only picking on someone because he’s secretly in love with them. He was always waiting for you to grab him by the scruff of his neck and slam him against a wall but then like, kiss him instead of punch him. Metaphorically. I think.”

Mike felt like was going to puke the half-sandwich he’d eaten up all over the table. He almost wanted to, so he’d have an excuse to run away from this conversation.

“I’m just another bully to him?” Mike said, staring at the overturned pig salt shaker.

“I doubt it’s that simple, man. Umm, but, question. Are youuuu, like. Actually doing scenes and stuff with him?”

Mike winced at that word. He lifted one shoulder, then nodded. 

“Okay, wow--”

“Stop saying wow, goddamn you.”

“Sorry, it’s a nervous habit. Anyway, like. You know you have to take care of people after stuff like that, right? Because of how intense it is--”

“Yes, I’m not stupid! I’ve been taking care of him. After, and-- But that’s part of the fucking problem, he can’t seem to come out of that part either. At least not without sleeping for like ten hours.”

“Interesting,” Josh said. “So you’re giving him, like, positive affirmation?”

“Are you kidding me? That’s the whole thing, for him. Being told how good he is, that’s how I got him to put out for me in the first place. He goes all melty for it and will do whatever I say.”

“Huh.” Josh frowned. “Mandy made it seem like he was getting off on the opposite of praise.” 

“Maybe that’s a thing he only wants from women, I don’t fucking know. You’re the one who says he has issues with his, like, guilt about beating off to movies where they get ripped apart or whatever.”

“I didn’t say that, exactly--”

“The point is, I love him for real. And I’m fucking this up, fucking him up. Tell me what to do. How the hell do I fix this?”

“Fix-- What, exactly?”

“He’s getting close to going full-time brainless, Josh! He doesn’t even call you and his other stupid friends anymore. And I-- Look, I’m not gonna pretend I don’t love having him all to myself, but I don’t want to wreck him, like. It’s supposed to be a game you know? I don’t actually own him.”

But he wanted to, he had to admit, to himself if not to Josh. Which was why he was Jay’s dream partner. Because Jay hated himself and thought he deserved to be in some asshole’s unyielding cage.

“How about this,” Josh said. “I’ll stop by your place later and see-- What the situation is, uh. I can’t get a good read on this until I see you two together, and how he’s acting in that context.”

“I’m not gonna let you watch me fuck him, you sicko.”

“That is-- So not what I’m asking for, Mike.”

“Fine. You can come over. We get off shift at five, and it takes us about twenty minutes to drive home.”

“All right then. I’ll be there.”

“But what about the other guys Jay’s fucked around with?” Mike asked, not ready to let up on his curiosity about this. “You got any intel on them?”

“Only from what Mandy told me, because I guess they talked about him sleeping with men at one point. In fact--”

Josh broke off there, like he’d said too much.

“What,” Mike said, staring him down. “Tell me.”

“I’m pretty sure he had her watch him get fucked by some dude once, uh. At least once. I dunno, I feel weird telling you this. I’m only doing it because I’m seriously worried about him. I always thought-- No offense, but I always thought if he did manage to finally get what he thought he wanted from you, it might be a reeeeal dangerous, delicate situation.” 

“Why’s that,” Mike asked, wanting to kill him. 

“Love and masochism can be a tricky combination. As I suppose you’re learning.” 

Mike heard this as: only a severely damaged masochist would want to be with you. Which he couldn’t really argue with. 

Back the shop, Mike felt like he had a screaming confession written all over his face the second Jay looked at him, but Jay didn’t seem suspicious, just smiled at Mike the way he always did when Mike came back to him after being gone for a while. 

“I ran into Josh while I was arranging for your surprise,” Mike said, still not sure what sort of surprise he would actually engineer to cover his ass later. “He asked if he could stop by tonight for a drink. I said sure.”

“Stop by--” Jay frowned. “My place?”

“No, mine. I told him we’ve been seeing each other. Hope that’s okay.”

Jay flushed and fidgeted in his seat. He was at the front counter, hands cupped around his coffee mug. Mike gave him a kiss on the cheek after hanging up his coat and hopped into his own chair, waiting to see how this would go. 

“It’s fine,” Jay said, still looking like he wasn’t sure what to think about these developments.

“Which part?” Mike asked.

“Josh-- Coming over, and. Knowing about us. Um. I think he’s mad at me, because I’ve been ignoring him a little.” 

“Why’ve you been doing that?” Mike asked, his heart starting to pound. 

“I dunno,” Jay muttered. “Just haven’t felt like hanging out with him lately.”

Mike left it there for the time being, and gave Jay some work-related duties to take his mind off of Josh. The rest of the work day seemed to pass even more slowly than the morning had, and Mike was drinking beer at the front counter by three o’clock, nervous about how this interlude with Josh was going to go and mentally reviewing all the shit Josh had told him at lunch over and over, imagining Jay getting fucked by some random guy while Mandy watched and other, worse things.

“I guess you still talk to Mandy,” Mike said on the drive home, unable to help himself.

Jay turned to look at him, frowning. 

“Huh?” he said. “Mandy?”

“Josh mentioned that she’d talked to you on the phone.”

“Why the hell was he talking about that?”

“He was just saying how your friends were, uh, wishing you’d hang out with them, that it had been a while.” 

Jay said nothing. He looked distressed. Mike cursed himself internally for bringing this up now, but maybe it was for the best. He wanted Josh to see how unbalanced Jay had gotten, and talking about Mandy might push him in that direction. 

“You guys used to date, right?” Mike said. “You and Mandy?”

“No,” Jay said, scowling. “We-- Whatever, I mean. I guess we tried to, but it didn’t work out. Why are you asking me this?” 

“No reason. Calm down.” Mike reached over to squeeze Jay’s thigh. “Forget I said anything. Although, you know, if there’s anything you want to know about people I’ve dated in the past, just ask.”

“Why the fuck would I want to talk about that?” 

“Uhh, because it was part of my life? I guess you don’t find people’s personal histories interesting?”

“I don’t like to talk about the past relationships of the person I’m dating, no.” 

“Fine, Jay. Have it your way.”

They were both tense on the way up to Mike’s place, and Mike was annoyed to see Josh was already there, waiting outside his apartment’s front door. He could feel Jay freaking out about this already, his steps stuttering like he didn’t know how to proceed with company there. 

“Sorry, I was early,” Josh said. “Haven’t been waiting long, though.”

“No worries,” Mike said, and moved around him to lock the door. 

“Hey, man,” Josh said, waving to Jay, who was just standing there looking alarmed. “Long time no see. How’ve you been?”

“Fine,” Jay said.

Mike gestured for them both to enter, and gave Josh a meaningful look as he walked inside. Josh widened his eyes as if to say: yep, he’s even weirder around you, already.

“Soo, Josh, what are you drinking?” Mike asked, heading for the fridge. He felt like he was being cruel to Jay, bringing someone into Jay’s sanctuary, but they couldn’t hide here alone together forever. “We’ve got beer, or, uh, beer.”

“I’ll take a beer.”

“Great. Jay, you want one?”

Jay gave Mike a desperate look, like Mike had asked a trick question and he needed help with the answer. 

“I guess,” Jay said. 

“Right-o, three beers coming up.”

Mike was feeling incredibly anxious, and Jay’s one-word answers to Josh’s friendly questions weren’t helping. He hurriedly handed both of them a beer and lifted his own bottle for a toast. 

“Here’s to the end of April,” Mike said. 

“What’s happening then?” Josh asked. 

“Hopefully nothing!” 

Mike clicked his beer against their bottles and gulped from it. He’d had two at the shop, and was ready to get properly drunk, ideally after they got rid of Josh. 

They went into the living room, and Mike decided to just go all in and get this over with. 

“Hey,” Mike said, when Jay started to sit next to him on the couch. Mike shook his head and snapped his fingers, pointed at the floor to his right. “Let the guest have the couch.” 

“I don’t need--” Josh started to say, and he stopped, mouth hanging open, when Jay hurried to obey, kneeling on the floor at Mike’s feet and staring into space, holding his beer with both hands. 

“He’s fine here,” Mike said, petting Jay’s hair. “Right, Jay?”

“Yes, sir,” Jay said. 

“Ohhh-kay,” Josh said, taking several steps backward. “I, uh. Just remembered. I gotta go-- Do something. Mike, could I trouble you to walk me out?”

“Sure thing. Jay, be a good boy and hold this for me while I’m gone.”

Mike handed Jay his beer. Jay nodded and sat up a little straighter, peering up at Mike with a nervous look that eased into a smile when Mike reached down to pet his cheek before following Josh out of the room, then out into the hallway outside the apartment.

Josh chugged his beer while Mike stood there staring at him. He was breathless when he finished it, and wide-eyed. 

“Jesus christ,” Josh said, whispering.

“Yeah,” Mike said. “Told you.”

“He’s-- You-- Has he done this before, just. Dropped into it in front of other people?”

“No, and I wasn’t sure he would now. I only had him do it because I trust you. I wouldn’t do that to him just for the hell of it, but. I needed you to see.”

“Yeah, I-- I see, all right. Hooo-ly god.” 

“What the hell do I do?” Mike asked, keeping his voice low. “I tried just talking about it, tried saying we should take a night off from acting like this, and he freaked the fuck out both times and started spiraling into panic like I was going to leave him, or like he was a terrible person--”

“Yeah this is-- This is bad, Mike.”

“I know that, you fuck! Help me!”

“I-- Honestly don’t think that I’m qualified,” Josh said, wincing. “This is some serious dissociation shit.”

“Oh god, oh fuck, I should be in fucking jail--”

“Before you turn yourself in,” Josh said, reaching into his coat pocket. “I brought this for you, thinking you might need it. And you most definitely do, in my opinion.”

Josh held out a business card. Mike took it with a grunt and read it.

DR. RICH EVANS - SPECIALIZING IN SEXUAL THERAPY FOR THE BLUE COLLAR MAN

“What the fuck,” Mike said. 

“He basically saved my brother’s marriage,” Josh said. “And I guess he’s known in the biz for being good at getting through to, ah, personality types that are maybe not so open to the concept of talk therapy.”

“You want me to drag him to a fucking therapist?” Mike said, hissing much of this through his teeth. “When he’s like that?” he pointed back at the apartment, where Jay was surely still on his knees, waiting patiently. 

“Well, yeah,” Josh said. “He’s experiencing some kind of-- Complete boundary blur, clearly. He needs professional help. You’re certainly not going to be able to do anything to help him on your own, Mike. Not with how twisted his response to you is already.”

“I know this is my fault,” Mike said, wanting to punch a hole in the wall. “You don’t have to fucking tell me, but-- I don’t want to expose him to scrutiny while he’s like this. He’s vulnerable, he doesn’t need to be prodded by some-- Blue collar doctor, jesus.”

“Look, man. You came to me for help, and I’m telling you, this is how to help him. If he doesn’t hit it off with that therapist, try another one, but definitely get him to talk to someone. I’ve been saying for years that he needs to be in therapy. He always brushes me off like it’s ridiculous, but I think he knows he needs it, too.”

“You tell your friends they need therapy?” Mike said, boggling at him and actually unsurprised, considering who he was talking to.

“It’s not an insult,” Josh said. “Maybe you need to put your own hangups about therapy aside, too, for Jay’s sake. And, I mean, uh. You could possibly benefit from some yourself.” 

“Just get the hell out of here,” Mike said, pointing to the end of the hall. “I can’t listen to you talk without wanting to break your glasses.”

“Mike--”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t try your goddamn therapist idea! Just leave me alone and let me think about how in the hell I could ever get him to agree to this.”

Josh’s eyebrows went up.

“Uh, okay. But based on what I just saw in there? I’m pretty sure you could just tell him to do it, and he’d be all in.” 

“It’s not that simple, now scram!”

When Josh was gone, Mike paced around in the hallway for a while, trying to get calm his agitation and wondering if Josh was right that it may actually be as easy as ordering Jay to go to therapy, in the state he was in.

He looked down at the card in his hand, feeling hateful toward it and toward this Dr. Evans. He’d never bought into talk therapy, and he knew Jay shared his opinion that it was a waste of time. But he had to fucking try something. It was worse than he’d thought.

Mike braced himself to act normal for Jay’s sake and went back into the apartment. Jay was still on his knees, holding his own beer in one hand and Mike’s in the other, smiling as Mike walked toward him. 

“Stand up,” Mike said, reaching down to grip Jay’s bicep and help him. “Josh had to go.”

“I know,” Jay said, looking happy about it. 

“Did you-- Like seeing him?”

Mike didn’t understand the look on Jay’s face at first. It was the same expression he’d worn when Mike asked if he wanted a beer. It was questioning, lost, a little hurt. Because he thought it was unfair for Mike to ask him rather than just telling him what he wanted and how he felt. 

“Forget it,” Mike said, leaning down to give him a quick kiss on the mouth. “Let’s drink these beers and then take our shower.”

“Okay,” Jay said, his shoulders relaxing and his smile returning, because now he had a plan from Mike, some instructions.

“You can blow me in the shower,” Mike said, trying not to let the fact that he felt like bawling his eyes out creep into his voice. “And if you do a good job, I’ll take care of your little prick when we get out.”

“Mhm,” Jay said, nodding. “Yes, sir.”

Mike spent another mostly sleepless night lying awake while Jay slept peacefully in his arms. Mike even poked at Jay a few times, wondering if the whole contented, sleepy thing was act for his benefit. Jay made soft noises and slipped back into sleep easily, his breath evening out again after he’d nudged at Mike’s chest with his nose a few times, as if he was making sure Mike was still there, needing no other information. 

There was sleet in the morning, and on the miserable drive in to work Mike wondered for the millionth time why he lived in this fucking city, though of course he knew. He glanced over at Jay, his reason, and gave him a tired smile.

“You look like you’re coming down with something,” Jay said, reaching over to touch Mike’s cheek. “Do you feel sick?”

“Nah,” Mike said, though he did. But Jay didn’t need to worry about it. At least not yet. Mike was going to do something to fix the nonstop torrent of dread that was keeping him awake at night and on the verge of retching during the day. As soon as he could make an excuse to get out of earshot of Jay, he was going to call Dr. Rich Evans. Maybe it wouldn’t really get them anywhere, but it was the least he could do. 

At lunchtime, Mike said he was going to treat Jay to a sub sandwich, took Jay’s order and left him at the shop to go pick up the food. He loitered outside the sub shop with Rich’s card in his hand, his phone in the other, braced himself for bullshit and dialed. 

A cheerful male receptionist took Mike’s information and got him the earliest available appointment, in two days’ time. 

“Insurance?” the receptionist asked. 

“Nope,” Mike said, his stomach dropping at the thought of what this was going to cost.

“Okay, no problem! We do the first consultation pending payment, anyway. No need to pay upfront.” 

“Great,” Mike said. 

“See you Thursday, Mike!” 

He’d made the first appointment just for himself. He wasn’t going to drag Jay into this guy’s den of judgment without doing some recon. 

Back at the shop, Mike could only manage to eat half his sub, while Jay wolfed down the cheeseless, mayo-less turkey on wheat he’d asked for.

“You’re definitely getting sick,” Jay said, looking at Mike warily as he watched him wrapping up the remainder of his sandwich.

“Maybe,” Mike said, turning to Jay hopefully. Jay hated getting sick, and feared it to an almost pathological degree. Maybe one of his weirdnesses would save him from the other. This could be the thing that wedged Jay back toward reality, perhaps sparing Mike from having to pay hundreds of dollars in therapist fees. “Do you want to spend the night at your place?” Mike asked, standing near the fridge. “Just in case? Don’t want to get you sick.”

“It’s fine,” Jay said. 

“You getting sick wouldn’t be fine with me,” Mike said, shoulders sinking. 

“Eh,” Jay said, shrugging. “I don’t want to leave you alone if you’re not feeling well. I probably won’t catch it, anyway. Whatever it is.” He looked wary, but just for a moment, then was smiling again. “I’m healthier than you, after all,” he said, smug. 

“Hah,” Mike said, thinking of Jay getting on his knees in front of Josh the night before. “Right.”

Mike’s condition worsened over the next two days, but he wasn’t actually sick, just suffering through some of the worst and most persistent anxiety he’d ever had. On the night before his therapy appointment, he couldn’t even get it up for Jay, who was clearly distressed by this development. 

“I think I have the flu,” Mike said when Jay was lying beside him in bed, petting his hair. “You’d better clear out of here before you get sick, too.” 

“Do I have to?” Jay asked, and just like that his eyes were wet. 

“No,” Mike said, pulling him into a hug. “Forget it.”

“I don’t want to-- Did I, Mike-- Is something wrong, like, you want me to leave--?”

“No, no. Just trying to protect you. I know you hate getting sick.” 

“I don’t care, Mike, just-- If you’re getting sick of-- Of me, of this, I can be different, I’ll do whatever you want--”

“Stop overreacting, of course I’m not sick of you. Just stop it with that. Put the TV on.” 

Jay clung extra hard to Mike while they watched bullshit on TV, and took longer to fall asleep than usual that night. Mike felt like he was both wrecking Jay in general, ruining him for people who might actually deserve him, and like he was now trashing their perfect little understanding together, too, if a demented thing that looked very wrong from the outside could also be perfect.

They were both quiet at work the next day, Jay obviously still fretting about Mike’s worsening mood and Mike just staring angrily at the clock as he anticipated the arrival of his therapy appointment. It was at four o’clock, downtown, so he left at three thirty, telling Jay he had to go help Benny’s ex with an errand involving his nephew. Jay didn’t like kids and was uncomfortable around them at the best of times, so he didn’t protest when Mike asked him to cover the rest of their shift without him.

“I’ll be back to pick you up at five,” Mike said. “Maybe a little later, if traffic sucks. Just have a beer and wait for me here, or--” Mike stopped himself from giving Jay an alternative. Jay had been getting more and more panicky whenever Mike asked him to make a choice. “Just do what I said, sit here and drink and beer and mess around on the computer, if you want. Then we’ll go home and have dinner.”

“Kay,” Jay said, looking unhappy but not unwilling to follow these instructions. He clearly knew something was up, but in his current state he wasn’t going to question Mike’s commands or motives.

Mike’s anxiety reached a fever pitch as he approached the building downtown where Dr. Rich Evans had an office on the twelfth floor. He had to take a pay ticket to park in the building’s garage, which pissed him off. He shoved the ticket in his pocket, fully planning to ask to have it validated. 

On the elevator ride up, Mike seriously considered bailing. He could go to one of the downtown bars instead, have a drink and forget this whole thing. He wasn’t sure what he was so afraid of, except that this was unfamiliar territory, and it was possible that all those weeks spent almost exclusively in Jay’s company had made him even less inclined to be around people who wouldn’t just do what he said without question. He’d never liked feeling like he wasn’t in control, and assumed that talking to a head shrinker would mean being manipulated, lead into a mind maze and cornered in places where he didn’t want to go.

“You must be Mike!” the receptionist said when Mike walked into the cozy little waiting area, where fortunately nobody else was present. “I’m Jack,” the receptionist said, shaking Mike’s hand and seeming to not notice that Mike’s vision had tunneled with dread. “Please, make yourself comfortable, he’s just finishing up with his last client. Would you like anything to drink? Water? Tea? Coffee?”

“No,” Mike said. Just the thought of trying to drink coffee in the state he was in made him want to hurl. “Thanks.” 

Mike pretended to read a magazine about sport fishing while seated on the little sofa under the window in the waiting room, his leg jiggling like crazy. Jack was at the reception desk across from him and seemed to be playing video games on his computer. Mike was just glad he wasn’t trying to make chitchat. 

When the door to the main office opened, Mike tried not to stare at the guy who was walking out, afraid he’d see some burly blue collar guy in a state of distress, maybe weeping openly. The guy who came out was indeed burly-looking, but he seemed fine as he said goodnight to Jack on his way out. 

“You can head on in,” Jack said, gesturing to the open door. 

Mike stood, feeling like he was walking the plank over a very unfriendly ocean, despite all the throw rugs and leafy office plants in the place that were supposed to put him at ease, presumably. He poked his head into the main office and was met by a balding guy about his age who looked so unassuming that Mike assumed he was another client, maybe that other guy’s boyfriend, before he noticed that they were the only two people in the room. 

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Rich said, shaking Mike’s hand. He shut the door and gestured at a sofa across from the chair Rich had risen out of when Mike came in. “Take a seat.” 

Mike did so, silent and ashen. He was about to make a kind of confession, he realized, which was why he felt so awful. 

“Ugh,” Rich said, walking over to the window near his chair. “Looks nasty out there.”

It was sleeting again. Mike nodded. 

“It’s terrible,” he said, and he cleared his throat when he heard how fucked up his voice sounded, already.

“So,” Rich said, sitting again with an ‘oof.’ He was both younger and fatter than Mike had pictured, but the baldness level was right on target with Mike’s mental image of a therapist. His clothes were a little slummier than Mike had envisioned. Maybe that was supposed to put his clients at ease. “What can I help you with today?” Rich asked, folding his hands over his sizable stomach once he’d settled back into place in his chair. 

“I think I broke my boyfriend,” Mike blurted, sweat dripping from his hairline and down the back of his neck. “With my dick.”

“Huh.” Rich didn’t look especially scandalized. Mike supposed he’d heard worse. “Well, since you’re here and not at the emergency room, I assume you mean, ah. Mentally? Emotionally?”

“Yes. Those two.” 

“Okay.” Rich reached over to a little table beside his chair and picked up a yellow legal pad and a pen. He wrote something, then glanced up at Mike with mild interest, looking neither disgusted nor forgiving. “Tell me more about that, Mike.” 

*


	9. Chapter 9

Mike wasn’t sure where to start, and felt like he’d already incriminated himself. But this wasn’t an interrogation, and Rich didn’t seem to be in a hurry. Of course he wasn’t, Mike thought, resentful-- He billed by the fucking hour. Although, technically, so did Mike. Rich was just sitting there staring at Mike with a look of placid acceptance, waiting. 

“Should I start from when him and me got together?” Mike asked, still sweating. “Like, romantically? Or way back at the beginning? Because we’ve known each other nine years.”

“How about the very beginning. Tell me everything you think would be relevant.” 

“Oh god.” Mike rubbed his hand over his face. He noticed a box of tissues on the little table near his chair and grabbed one, mopping at the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he said, avoiding Rich’s eyes. “I’ve never done this before.”

“That’s fine, there’s nothing to it. Tell me about your boyfriend.”

“Jesus, it’s still weird to call him that. We’ve been friends, uh, and co-workers, since 2011. I moved to Milwaukee for this woman-- I’m from Chicago.”

“Hey,” Rich said, brightening when Mike glanced up at him. “No kidding. Me too!”

“Oh yeah?” Mike wasn’t sure why this was comforting, but suddenly he felt like he should have known, from Rich’s accent.

“Whereabouts?”

“Southside.” 

“Ohh, no shit? I grew up in Oak Creek.”

“Ha,” Rich said, his eyes twinkling. “The suburbs. Anyway, continue. You moved to Milwaukee for a woman you were dating?”

“Yeah, she-- I guess she was my college girlfriend. She moved to Milwaukee for work, and I followed her, because I had nothing going on in my life except for her. We were at this bar one night and I saw a fucking VCR repair shop, still operational, with a now hiring sign in the window, and in the morning I was sure it was a drunken hallucination, but I went back and it was still there, and I walked inside, and Jay was there. My boyf-- My co-worker, uh. Jay. He’s why I’m here. The person I broke. Maybe.”

“Broke is a pretty broad term, but we can get into that later. Continue.”

Mike nodded and swiped at the back of his neck with the tissue again, though his sweating had calmed. 

“So Jay, um. He was working there, had been working there on and off since high school. And he was kind of in a shitty nowhere place in his life, same as me. I actually got hired as his manager, because I have a college degree and he doesn’t, and I think he wanted to hate me for that, but we hit it off pretty much right away. It was like we’d both been looking for-- Something. Someone. The kind of friend that we could actually talk to but also, like. Try to impress? I don’t know. About six months into working there I started to notice that he could really piss me off just by like, disagreeing with me on something subjective. Like, I was getting my _feelings hurt_ by this doof. Which felt like it should have been impossible. Jay looked like a mess back then, uh. I mean, I was kinda into it, but I have weird taste, I guess.” 

Mike heard himself rambling and groaned, sinking back in his chair. Rich wasn’t writing any of this down, just listening. He sat there staring, hands folded over his gut, and waited for Mike to continue. 

“Soo,” Mike said, deciding to skip forward a little bit. They only had an hour, and the more recent developments with Jay would take some explaining. “I broke up with that woman I’d moved there with, eventually, and I got my own place, and me and Jay started spending tons of time together once I was single. He never dated seriously, as far as I knew back then. He was really insecure, and I noticed pretty early on that even if he rolled his eyes at something I suggested, he was usually willing to follow my lead. He wanted to placate me, I guess. At first I thought that was just the kind of person he was, but when we hung out with his other friends he seemed to brush them off a lot more easily. I think, uh. I think he thought I was cool. And it meant a fuck ton to me, because when I wasn’t with him I felt like the biggest loser in world.”

“Why’d you feel that way?” Rich asked, still not writing anything down. 

“Oh, uh-- I dunno. Do I have to talk about me?”

“You don’t have to talk about anything. I’ll ask questions occasionally, and you can answer them if you want, but it’s optional.”

“Okay.” Mike frowned and studied Rich for a moment, giving him the commanding stare that most people flinched away from. Rich just sat there with that calm expression on his face, the kind of thing that normally made Mike want to throttle a guy. It wasn’t bothering him, on Rich, so far. “Anyway, uh. Whatever-- The point is, me and Jay became close friends, but there was also this tension between us, because I was the boss and we both knew it. Literally and otherwise. We’d argue and stuff, but he’d always back down. If I didn’t want to do something he was into, he’d do it alone, but if I wanted him with me, somewhere? He was fucking there. Apparently all his friends figured out we were in love with each other at some point. But it still took us nine years to, like. Do anything.” 

Rich didn’t ask why, just sat there. Mike groaned and decided to try to tell him anyway. 

“There was a while where I didn’t even think I could get Jay. He got real hot about five years ago, I mean, like. Really hot. People who hadn’t seen him in a while would have their fucking jaws on the floor when they saw how much he’d changed. It kinda pissed me off, because I’d liked the way he looked before, though I’d never really thought about it much until he changed. Anyway, I also just-- Didn’t want to shit the bed with him, I’m terrible at relationships, but finally I couldn’t resist. I was just too curious. ‘Cause he’d fuck around with the biggest losers, sometimes, guys who were way worse than me. And I’d just think, what the hell. Worth a shot. But I still waited until, uh. I got some intel on what he might like, in bed.”

“Intel?” Rich said. 

“We were drinking and I interrogated him, and he spilled-- He likes being bossed around, okay? And, um.” Mike waited to feel his face heating or sweat beading at the back of his neck again, but it didn’t happen. His foot was bouncing on the floor, but that was it. “He likes being told he’s doing a good job, like. It was a game, at first?”

“How so?”

Mike groaned. He knew he’d have to get into the specifics if he wanted a comprehensive analysis of what he’d done wrong and how to fix it. Still, it felt-- Almost illegal, to talk about this.

“See, um. He’d told me he liked to be good for people. So I decided to, like. Ease him into sex stuff by acting like it was stuff we had to do for work. I mean, I was obviously bullshitting and he knew it, he’s not stupid, but it let us both off the hook for how much we wanted it, at first. Like, I, uhhh. I guess the first thing I really did was after he’d screwed something up at work, I, umm--”

Mike stared at a painting on Rich’s wall, delaying this thing he didn’t want to say out loud.

“Is that-- Pac Man?” Mike asked, squinting.

“It is!” Rich said. He beamed like he was proud of Mike for recognizing this. “It’s abstracted, of course, but it’s, yeah, a stylized Pac Man tribute. My receptionist who you just met got that for me, actually. He commissioned it and everything.”

“Wow,” Mike said, instead of what the fuck. “I spanked him,” Mike said, darting his eyes back to Rich’s. “Jay, I mean. Not your receptionist.”

“Yeah, I got that from context.”

“It was at work, over the front counter. On the clock, door unlocked, everything. And he got hard for it, and I-- Jerked off on him, uh. That’s how it started, like. We didn’t even kiss. I barely touched him, except to smack his ass. He loved it, though. I mean, I think he did? I don’t know anymore. At the time I was like, I’m a genius, this is the perfect start, we’ll just keep going like this and stay out of our feelings about it, best of both worlds. But then I fucked that up, too, because I love him, and now he’s living in my apartment and sleeping all the time and not making any decisions for himself, because he wants me to just tell him what to do, no matter what.”

“Hmm.” Rich finally wrote something down, briefly. Mike wanted to ask what it was, but figured that was probably against the rules, and, then again, did he really want to know? “Back up a little,” Rich said. “Did you guys ever have a conversation about what was fair play, in your game? Or off limits?” 

That Rich was willing to refer to it as a game filled Mike with a weird sense of relief. 

“No,” Mike said, mumbling, ashamed. “That _was_ the game, man. That we were both so fucking-- Fearless, or whatever, that we weren’t going to do that official rule-making shit. At least, in my head, that was the reason, and honestly, he’s even more of a fuck-up about not wanting to discuss things than I am. Because I’ve tried, okay, since then. And he either gets mad or starts to panic like I’m dumping him, or berates himself-- See, I knew he was kinda screwed up, but I didn’t realize how much so, or that being with me would make it worse. And now I don’t know how to fix him. His friend who’s also worried about him, because Jay has totally like, retired from the world outside of trying to please me-- This friend of his said I should bring him here, to talk to you. So I’m basically interviewing you as the solution, to be honest.”

“I appreciate the honesty. And I do think I could help. What would your ideal outcome be, if you don’t mind saying?”

Mike had to think about it. His mind went to that collar that he wanted to buy for Jay and put on him in front of all the world, if Mike had anything to say about it.

“I guess the trouble is that my ideal outcome for me is real different from the ideal outcome for Jay’s like, sanity and future,” Mike said, sinking into defeat.

“You don’t think he could have a future as a sane person with you?”

“Uhh. Frankly, probably not.” 

Mike put his head in his hands and groaned. 

“We’ll see about that,” Rich said, which made Mike feel marginally better. Because Rich was a professional. But he didn’t really have the whole story. “You say your attempts to talk to him about your worry for him have made him upset?”

“Yeah. Real upset.”

“And him getting upset makes you backpedal and go back to avoiding discussing it?”

Mike frowned and prepared to refute this. But when he thought about it-- It was true.

“Are you afraid of upsetting him?” Rich asked, more pointedly. 

“No, I-- Maybe.” 

“And you’re feeling like he’s so afraid to let you down that he’s pulling back from reality?”

Mike grunted and nodded. 

“Okay. I can work with all that.”

“You don’t understand the full extent,” Mike said, annoyed by that glib diagnosis. 

“Then tell me what I’m missing,” Rich said. 

Mike attempted to. He heard himself rambling, shooting forward and then going back, telling everything out of order. Rich made a few notes, but not many. 

“Our hour’s almost up,” Rich said, and Mike whirled around, looking for a clock. He dug out his phone and gaped at it when he saw it was five minutes after five o’clock. They’d started a little late, so it was indeed almost exactly an hour since Mike had started ranting about the intimate details of his sex life to this guy, this stranger. He felt like it had been about five minutes, maybe ten. 

“Tell me what you think I should do,” Mike said, ready to clasp his hands together and beg. “I gotta be honest, um. I’m not a wealthy man. I don’t know how many of these sessions I can afford.”

“We can do a payment plan,” Rich said, waving his hand through the air. “I do think I can help. Bring him in, and I can see you two together. If he’s amenable after that, I’d probably want to do at least one individual session with him, too, but it might not be necessary, if he feels more comfortable with you here. It seems like a case of both of you doubling down on bad communication habits, based on what you’ve told me. All you’ve gotta do is be clear with each other about what you want. I know it’s easier said than done. But I can help, if you have those conversations here.” 

“Are you even married?” Mike asked, because Rich wasn’t wearing a ring. 

“Yes, actually, but that’s pretty irrelevant. What do you say? Will you try one session with him here with you, at least?”

“I’ll try,” Mike said. “But I don’t-- I don’t know what he’s going to do when he finds out I’m so worried about him that I went to you for help.”

“Are you worried he’s going to harm himself?”

“God-- No, nothing like that.”

“What’s your biggest fear about upsetting him?”

Mike didn’t like the question. He took his time thinking about his answer, wondering if he could run out the hour and have Rich ask again later. Rich seemed willing to wait, though. Mike supposed he was probably the last client of the day.

“Well, that I’d lose him,” Mike said, kind of snottily, as if this should be obvious. 

“That he’d leave you?”

“That, or just-- Disappear, the way he has been. Turning himself into this thing that-- I don’t know if he thinks it’s what I want, or if it’s what he’s been wanting, some kind of vacation from himself, fuck, I have no clue. He told me he’s going through something, and I don’t want to rush him or tell him he can’t let himself be-- Whatever the hell this is. I just want him to come back, to be himself again, but to still be with me.” 

“Okay.” Rich put his note pad aside and rose out of his chair with a groan. “We can talk about that when you come back, preferably with him. See Jack on your way out about making your next appointment, all right?”

Mike did as Rich asked and left the office feeling dazed. As the elevator descended, he noticed he felt lighter and lighter, realizing he could relax now, that he’d gotten through that without being arrested or feeling any worse. In fact, he had to admit, cursing under his breath when he realized he’d forgotten to get them to validate his parking ticket-- He felt better.

He texted Jay from the parking garage to let him know he probably wouldn’t make it to the shop until six. He thought about adding that Jay could go back to his own place, which was just sitting there mostly unused except as a storage closet for all of Jay’s stuff that hadn’t migrated over to Mike’s yet, then decided it wouldn’t be good to give Jay an order like that via text. The traffic was terrible, the sleet having turned to a heavy rain, and it took him longer than he expected to get back to the shop. 

By the time Mike was parking behind the building he was aching to see Jay, as desperate to reunite as Jay always looked when Mike came home with groceries or stuff Jay needed from his place. Even glimpsing Jay sitting in the dark at the computer through the shop’s locked front door made Mike’s heart swell with some kind of profound relief. 

“Sorry,” Mike said, after he’d let himself in. “Traffic fucking sucked. You okay?” he added, because Jay was just staring at the computer. 

“Huh?” Jay looked up. “Yeah.” 

He didn’t look or sound okay. Mike just stood there, wondering if he should blurt everything about where he’d really been. Jay looked like he knew Mike had lied to him, somehow. 

“Ready to go home?” Mike asked, because if they were going to have a blowout fight, he’d rather do it there. 

“Sure,” Jay said. He was a little unsteady getting out of his chair. 

“You’re drunk from one beer?” Mike said.

“Oh, no. I had more than that. You made me wait, so I had more.”

Jay was definitely pissed off, and there were three empty beer bottles on the front counter. He barely looked at Mike as they walked toward the car.

Mike tried to view this as a good sign. It was true to the real Jay, the one he knew, to be mad about Mike leaving him at the shop like a pet awaiting pickup from doggy daycare. Maybe he was snapping out of his servile mode on his own. Mike was surprised to realize he still wanted to bring Jay to talk to Rich, even if this was the case. He liked Rich, weirdly. He thought Jay would, too, if he gave him a chance, and Mike wanted Jay to feel lighter about all this, the way Mike had after leaving Rich’s office. Jay seemed like he was currently bearing the weight of something much too heavy, slumped beneath it and staring out the passenger side window.

“Guess you’re probably hungry,” Mike said. 

“Not really,” Jay said. 

“Uh, well, maybe I meant more, like, you should eat something after all that beer.” 

“I’m sure you’re right, Mike. You’re the expert.” 

“Expert in-- What? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Sorry, sir. Feed me whatever you want.” 

“Jay--” 

Mike almost snickered, nervous. Could they make a joke of this thing, after all? With the ‘sir’ and so forth? It could be a kind of warm inside joke, or just a levity, something they could laugh about together rather than the mean kind of joking they swiped at each other with sometimes. Jay didn’t look amused, though. His jaw was tight, arms crossed over his chest. 

So Mike would have to tell him what was up, sooner rather than later. He just hoped Jay could wait until they were in the cozy confines of Mike’s apartment. Mike wasn’t in the mood to have a fight while he battled even more traffic on the way home. 

He was ready for Jay to either yell at him or mope as soon as they got through the door, and he almost fell over when Jay jumped him right there in the foyer and started tearing at his clothes instead, surging up onto his toes to give Mike urgent, biting kisses. Mike kissed him back, and the beery taste on Jay’s tongue reminded Mike that he was drunk. 

“Slow down,” Mike said when Jay was yanking Mike’s jeans open. “Hey, wait-- Look at me.” 

Jay obeyed, shifting his hands to Mike’s hips and lifting his face to meet Mike’s gaze. There was some kind of bright, raging thing in Jay’s eyes that made Mike’s dick start to fill out in his jeans, because oh god he’d missed this Jay, his angry little Jay who rolled over for him reliably but also gave as good as he got, the one Mike had wanted to fuck in the first place, for so long. Jay didn’t even look drunk, suddenly. He looked like he knew what he fucking wanted, and like he was going to have it. 

He was still waiting for Mike’s next instruction, breathing hard and looking up at Mike like the angry thing inside him was just waiting to be set off, needing permission. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are all of a sudden?” Mike asked, grabbing Jay’s chin and tilting his face up just that much more. “Huh? Get on your knees, brat.” 

Mike was testing him, and he knew it wasn’t fair. But he was fucking curious. Jay just made him want so much, and Mike couldn’t stop jamming his palm against all of Jay’s buttons, clumsy and hard, because Jay seemed to like it when he did. 

Jay sank to his knees, holding Mike’s gaze all the way down. That dark, daring thing was still in his eyes, fattening his pupils and gleaming like a threat. 

Keep going, it said. See where this takes you.

Mike was tearing his pants open, fully intending to do so. 

“Are you hard?” Mike asked when Jay was staring at his cock, eye level with it on his knees. “Answer me,” Mike said, giving Jay’s face a light slap when he just gaped up at Mike.

“Yeah,” Jay said, eyes flashing.

“Of course you are. Takes more than three beers to get your slutty little cock to stay soft once I’ve got mine out.” Mike stroked himself a few times, smirking when Jay watched him thicken up and fill out, mesmerized. “Show me,” Mike said, nudging Jay’s thigh with his foot. 

“Show-- Oh.” Jay looked down and unbuttoned his jeans, pulled himself out and sat back with his legs spread and his palms on the floor once he had his dick out. Showing him. He was red-faced when he peered up at Mike. 

Jay bit his lip. It was such a clearly calculated move. Jay knew exactly what he was doing. He was teasing Mike, even taunting him a little-- Mike groaned, wanting him so much. The previous night had been the first one in over a month when Mike hadn’t fucked him. They were both crazy for it after just one night off. 

Mike could do anything. He thought about this, squeezing his cock when it throbbed in his hand and staring down at Jay’s upturned face, considering his options. He could tell Jay to lick his fucking boots. He could rub the disgusting underside of one of them against Jay’s poor little dick, make him really dirty. He didn’t want to do either of these things, but knowing he could made him feel feral with this other thing they were both addicted to, which suddenly Mike didn’t want to end or control or even moderately contain. He wanted it spilling out all over the place like this, into everything, burning down the walls around everything else they knew. 

“Jerk yourself off,” Mike said. 

Jay looked surprised. He moved his hand to his cock uncertainly.

“I want you sensitive when I shove in,” Mike said, though he didn’t really owe Jay an explanation. “And I’m gonna make you come, again, on my cock. And again, after I’ve finished inside you. And again, till it hurts.” 

Jay moaned and jacked his cock, nodding, eyes going hazy and half-lidded.

“Yes, sir,” Jay said, breathing the words out so heavily that Mike could taste his relief in the air between them, like something as sweet as it was salty, so good.

Jay came, staring at Mike’s cock and panting his breath, emptying his dick right there onto the foyer. Mike told him to lick his mess up off the floor. Jay didn’t hesitate, got down on all fours and showed Mike the top of his head while he eagerly obeyed. 

“God, look at you,” Mike said when Jay had licked it all up and was sitting back onto his knees uncertainly, peering up at Mike. “Filthy, greedy boy,” Mike said, reaching down to touch Jay’s swollen lips. 

“Mike,” Jay said. 

“Already begging for more,” Mike said, because that was what Jay was doing when he said Mike’s name like that.

He yanked Jay to his feet and pulled him into the bedroom, stripped his clothes off. Jay was already getting hard again for this rough handling, and he moaned into the sheets when Mike pushed him onto the bed, face down, and gave him two hard slaps on his ass. 

“Do you know what those were for?” Mike asked, holding the back of Jay’s neck so he’d keep his head down. 

“Fuh, what--”

“That was for the two beers you drank without my permission. Look at you, having a goddamn fit because I had the nerve to make you wait an extra hour for my dick while I finished up my business. Fine, you want to show me how insatiable you are? Tough guy? You’re gonna be begging me to stop making you come by the time I’m done with you.” 

Jay moaned and shifted his hips against the mattress, humping his cock against the sheets. Mike spanked him again, and he went still with a whimper. 

Mike wasn’t going to kiss him, and not just because his mouth had just been on the floor of the foyer, which probably wasn’t all that clean, despite the fact that Jay had taken over the cleaning of Mike’s place out of habit, or out of disgust with Mike’s indifference to his surroundings. Sometimes Jay didn’t want to be kissed. It still bothered Mike, and he still didn’t always know when Jay would pull away from that particular intimacy, but he was sure this was one of those times, because Jay was rock hard again, already, for the way Mike was shoving him around, flipping him onto his back and pulling his legs open. Mike pushed into him with a grunt as soon as he’d lubed up and locked eyes with him.

“Oh,” Jay said, throwing his head back, because he might have been hard again but he was still oversensitive inside, always got so twitchy and flushed after coming, and it lasted a while. His erection might actually be making it more intense, Mike thought, already fucking into him in long, unrelenting strokes.

“You like that?” Mike asked, leaning in to bite at Jay’s throat after asking. “Like letting me use you while you’re still all lit up inside?” 

“Fucking-- _yes_ ,” Jay said, grinding that word out like it came from someplace bone deep inside him. Mike knew it did, felt it on his dick and everywhere. He fucked into Jay harder and licked over the red mark he’d left on his neck. 

“Good,” Mike said, grabbing Jay’s hair and pulling his head back, exposing more of his throat. “‘Cause you’re mine, aren’t you?” Mike had assumed the therapy appointment would somehow make him feel even more insecure about this, but the opposite had happened. He wasn’t even sure he needed to go back there, already. He felt like he’d shaken off some needless weight and now here was Jay as his reward for doing it, all spread out for him and nodding, saying yes, yeah, yours, and then just Mike’s name, over and over.

All Mike had to do was reach down between their bodies and grab Jay’s dick and he was coming again, squeezing up tight around Mike and setting him off, too. Jay gasped and stilled underneath him, pinned against the mattress by all of Mike’s weight as he unloaded. Mike had needed it bad, too, even after just one night of not feeling like he could do this and therefore not feeling like himself. He felt fully restored when he panted against Jay’s slick throat, recovering. Jay whined softly when Mike pulled out of him. Maybe he thought Mike had come hard enough to forget the plan.

But he hadn’t, and he barely gave Jay a second to breathe before pushing two fingers into the mess Mike had left inside them, curling them against Jay’s prostate so he’d scream. 

“Muh, Mike--” Jay said when he could talk again, eyes slammed shut. His whole body was arched off the mattress, _into_ the feeling rather than away from it, despite everything, his nipples hard and his dick going soft while still drooling out the remains of his last orgasm. 

“What, Jay,” Mike said, sweetly, fucking his fingers out shallowly before shoving them back in again. He wasn’t actually going to make Jay come four times, possibly couldn’t, but pumping three out of him had plenty of precedent and was fair, he felt. He liked the idea that Jay would come again thinking it wouldn’t be the last one Mike gave him, though, that he’d experience the too-much ache of it thinking he’d have to feel it again, more.

“Please,” Jay said when Mike rubbed a thumb up along the shaft of his cock, encouraging it back toward hardness while he finger-fucked Jay, slow enough that it wouldn’t be too painfully over-intense. Yet.

“Please what?” Mike asked, an ice chip of worry stilling both his hands. Communication, right. He hadn’t done that therapy session for nothing. “Need me to stop?” he asked, moving up to slot himself against Jay’s side, his fingers sliding out of him so that just the tips were nestled in the fucked-out mess of his hole. 

“What-- Nnh, don’t stop.” Jay looked up at Mike, a little wet-eyed and very red-faced but otherwise appearing to be okay. “You-- Don’t ask me that, puh-- Please? You know, just. Mike--”

“I know, shh.” Mike kissed him then, just softly, on his open, panting mouth. “Know what you need,” Mike murmured, lifting Jay’s leg up against his chest so he’d have better access to fuck back into him in one long drag of his fingers that culminated with a slow, circling rub against his overworked prostate. 

Jay sobbed, and nodded with Mike brought his other hand up to Jay’s mouth and pushed two fingers in there, too. 

“Fuck, you look good like this,” Mike said, when Jay was hard again and breathing in long, choppy exhales through his nose, tense against Mike’s side and trying to squeeze up tight around his fingers like that might finally set him off. Mike was teasing his loosened rim, leaning down to lick and bite at his nipples, grinning when Jay’s legs twitched uncontrollably and his teeth closed down a little around the fingers that were still in his mouth. He was drooling, too, and close enough that merciless attention to his prostate would probably set him off. Mike left it untouched, content to let Jay vibrate right there on against his edge. Mike couldn’t help moaning for the sight of him, and for the broken noises that were half-vocalized from Jay’s stuffed-full mouth. “Look at me,” Mike said, firmly. 

Jay struggled to do it. His eyes were blurry with unshed, overwhelmed tears, and he looked like he barely knew where he was, every muscle tight with the need for one more release, the one that would ache when it finally pulsed weakly out of him. They had talked about why Jay liked this once, mumbling together in bed after Mike had reduced him to this state while he was tied up and felt a little guilty about it. Mike had needed to double check that Jay was okay in the aftermath. Jay had brushed Mike’s concern off as if it was ridiculous, also a little insulting, and told Mike he liked the wrung out feeling that he had nothing left to give because the other person had taken everything. Weightless, he’d said. To the point that he could swear he was almost literally floating, in the few seconds after he’d had absolutely everything drained out of him. That was the feeling.

“What if I tied your hands up and left you like this,” Mike said, scaring himself a little with the prospect as he stared down into Jay’s leaky eyes. “God, you need it. Never seen anybody need it as much as you do.”

Jay sobbed, shuddered from his shoulders down to his hips and closed his eyes, straining to clench his ass up around Mike’s fingers, begging with his body because his mouth was stuffed full, too. 

“How long did you want to show me what you’re really like, Jay?” Mike asked, bringing his mouth down so his lips brushed Jay’s ear when he spoke. “Hm? What if I’d never asked? Poor Jay. Nobody taking care of you, all that time. Me right there, with everything you needed. Poor little Jay, so good for me, for so long, getting nothing in return.” 

Mike spread the fingers in Jay’s ass a little, stretching at the tender rim, not expecting that to set Jay off. He’d been sure he’d have to touch Jay’s cock again to get this last one out of him, maybe even suck on it, but Jay was coming, his teeth closing tight enough around the fingers on Mike’s other hand that he extracted them for fear of really getting bitten. He pulled his fingers from Jay’s ass, too, and reached up to pump Jay’s dick through its sad, desperate little spurts, milking the last drops out for him while he sobbed with relief.

Or maybe it wasn’t relief, entirely, because Jay was really sobbing, even after Mike had released his completely spent dick, tears pouring down his face and his whole chest shaking with it. Something evil-adjacent thrilled in Mike for a half a second, because god he’d wanted to see Jay like this, just like this, fucked to pieces and falling apart, but it quickly became clear that these weren’t grateful post-sex tears, and that evil thing in Mike flipped over to real horror, because oh shit he’d fucked up, bad, for real this time. Jay was rolling away from him and crying hard, almost choking on his bed-shaking sobs, his chest heaving like maybe he was going to hyperventilate, too.

“Fuck--” Mike said, frozen in a protective hover-position over Jay, his soul seeming to plummet straight out of his body at the sight of Jay really breaking like this, actually hurt. “Shit-- Jay-- Okay, hang-- Hang on, it’s okay, jesus, I’m sorry, I’m right here, you’re okay--”

Jay didn’t seem to hear any of this, just held his hands over his face and sobbed so violently that Mike started to fear, among many, many other things, that Jay was going to crack a rib.   
  
“Jay,” Mike said, and when he heard his own voice break his eyes started to burn, too. He touched Jay’s shoulder, expecting to be smacked away. Jay just pulled the blankets over his face and cried into them, shaking his head. “Where’s it-- I hurt you?” Mike asked, letting Jay hear that he was choked up, too. 

“Fucking forget it,” Jay said, his voice barely working, and then he did try to shove Mike away, weakly. “Just fuh, fuck off, I just--” 

“I’m not gonna fuck off, jesus, did I hurt you? I mean, I know I did, obviously, where--” 

“I’m not in physical pain!” Jay turned to glower at Mike, and the fury on his face was scarier than the sobbing. “You, just, you didn’t-- Didn’t have to fucking taunt me like that, when I know, I know-- You’re fucking done with this, Mike, I know you are.” 

“Huh?” Mike settled his hand onto Jay’s shoulder again. Jay jerked violently under his touch but otherwise let it remain there. “What-- What are you talking about? Jay, sorry, that was intense, shit’s been weird, but--”

“I know you’re sick of this, of me,” Jay said, his voice thick and broken, shoulders still jumping in irregular sobs. He hid his face in the blankets again. “I know, it’s-- The beginning of the fucking end, so. Just wanted. One more time, to. And now I’ll leave you alone.” 

“You’re-- I pushed you too hard,” Mike said, keeping his shaking voice gentle. He leaned down to kiss Jay’s shoulder, stroked his arm. “I’m sorry, you’re not making sense, I think I pushed you over some kind of edge--”

“I’m perfectly rational!” 

Jay sat up after saying so, glaring at Mike. His face was red, angry eyes still leaking. 

“I know you didn’t go see your brother’s ex today,” he said, moving away when Mike reached for him again. “I’m not a fucking idiot. And I know when things are unraveling, especially when people think I’ll be too stupid to notice and that they can lie to me about it to fucking-- Buy time, to make arrangements. I have a pretty fucking intuitive sense of when that’s happening, Mike, believe me.” 

“Nothing’s ending,” Mike said, not denying that he hadn’t gone to see Benny’s ex earlier. He’d have to explain about the therapist now, while Jay had this meltdown, which wasn’t ideal. He’d screwed up, but he could fix this. 

“Bullshit,” Jay said hatefully, moving away again. “At first I couldn’t figure out what the fuck bringing Josh here was about, but it’s part of your plan, right? You fucking hate Josh, you’d never invite him over for a drink, unless-- You want to, like, make sure my friends will be there for me when you tell me this is over, or some stupid shit like that. Because I’m so fucking fragile, such a basket case, and you’re asking me about fucking-- _Mandy_? What, like-- You want her to take over for this shitshow? Take me off your hands? Tough shit, because she couldn’t handle it either, you fucking asshole.” 

“Whoa.” Mike held up both his hands, felt the color drain from his face. “Jay, please. Stop. I’m not leaving you, I’d never-- Where are you getting this from?” 

“You’re not even denying that you went to see someone else today,” Jay said, laughing madly and shaking his head. “I can fucking smell it on you, Mike.”

“Smell-- What?” Mike looked down at this shirt, which he’d left on while they fucked, without thinking. He sniffed it and looked back up at Jay. “Smell what?”

“You weren’t with Tracy and her kid! You thought I was going to believe you would ditch work to do some errand for them? And you couldn’t even get it up for me last night, jesus. I knew I’d have to piss you off to get one last fuck out of you, because the other shit’s not working for you anymore. So, thanks, it was great. I’ll go now.”

“You’re right that I lied,” Mike said, reeling over the rest of that as he watched Jay scoot toward the edge of the mattress. “But, Jay. Stop. I was embarrassed, okay? I had a fucking-- Therapy appointment! In the city, downtown. That’s where I was today.”

This got Jay to stop and turn back to him, at least. Mike’s eyebrows went up like, yep. 

“Therapy?” Jay laughed dryly. “Like. Talk therapy?”

“Yes, like, talk therapy.”

“That’s your backup story? Really? You wouldn’t go to therapy if it was court ordered, Mike. How stupid do you think I am?”

“I don’t think you’re stupid at all, jesus christ! Jay-- ah! I’m fucking in love with you, okay? So much that I’m-- Going to this-- That’s why, all right? It’s supposed to be therapy for both of us, because, like. I love you, and I’m doing this all wrong, making you sleep all the time, and get on your knees in front of Josh, and. I want to fix it.”   
  
Jay looked profoundly confused for a few blinks, studying Mike’s face. Then something seemed to click into place, and Mike braced himself, because the way Jay’s eyes widened when it did couldn’t mean anything good.

“Ah-- You--” Jay pinched his eyes shut, shook his head and looked at Mike again, mouth hanging open. “You want me-- To go to therapy? For you?”

“Not for me! With me, like. As a couple, we could. This guy’s pretty good--”

“Are you out of your _fucking_ mind?”

“What-- Well, no, I don’t think so--”

Jay made a cracked, disbelieving noise that came from the back of his throat, eyes still wide. He got out of the bed and started picking up his clothes off the floor. 

“Jay, wait, you’re-- Maybe you’re too upset to talk about this now?”

Jay said nothing. He put on his boxers, his t-shirt. Mike slid out of bed, his legs and arms shaking badly, and started to get dressed, too, because this was serious, Jay just had to calm down, but it would be okay, eventually, maybe.

“What are you doing?” Mike asked when Jay grabbed the duffel bag that Mike had first brought his things in, weeks ago. 

Jay didn’t answer. He pulled open one of the dresser drawers Mike had cleared out for him and started shoving his stuff into the duffel. 

“Jay,” Mike said, approaching him but not daring to touch him, afraid he’d get punched. Jay’s energy was livid and consuming, as if Mike had set him on fire. “Look at me, okay? What, just-- Fine, okay, if you really hate the idea--” 

“Let me guess,” Jay said, his voice still shaky and small but differently now, as if he was holding back a screaming hailstorm of condemnation that he didn’t even want to give Mike the pleasure of being assaulted with. “Sending me to therapy was Josh’s idea. Because you and Josh, you-- Talked about this, about me, with him. Behind my back.”

“I-- He-- He had called me, and--” 

“Wowww,” Jay said, laughing bitterly and moving into the bathroom to grab his things from the sink counter. He still hadn’t put his jeans on, obviously wasn’t thinking straight. 

“It wasn’t like that,” Mike said, looming into the bathroom doorway while Jay threw things thoughtlessly into his bag. “Jay, you. I know you’re going through something, but--”

“You don’t know the first fucking thing about me, apparently!” Jay said, turning to shout this in Mike’s face. “Get the fuck out of my way, I’m leaving.”

He shoved Mike aside when Mike couldn’t make himself move. Mike stumbled out of the way and watched Jay search the floor for his pants, cursing under his breath until he found them, literally spitting with rage. 

“Look, forget it,” Mike said weakly. “I was wrong, I fucked up--”

“You know I actually thought you were different?” Jay said when he straightened up again after stepping into his jeans. His eyes were wet again, still angry. “Even from the beginning, I thought-- And after we started this, after-- I thought oh, god, someone finally sees me, and gets it, and isn’t horrified, but. You were more horrified than any of them! You want to ship me off to a mental hospital, ha-- With Josh’s help! That’s great. Thanks, Mike. Amazing. I was so afraid this would get fucked up, and this whole past week I could feel it was ending, but. This is worse than I expected by, like, a multiple of a thousand, so. Well done. You win.”

Jay put the duffel bag over his shoulder, zipped up his jeans and walked out of the room without looking at Mike again.

Mike followed him, though he wasn’t sure how he was moving or what he would do next, because he felt like Jay had just ripped out his spine and stomped it to pieces with that little speech, and the most feeling-it part of all was knowing he deserved it. 

“Just wait a minute and talk to me, please,” Mike said, his voice wavering again. He was wearing his sweater and boxer shorts, was ready to follow Jay out into the pouring rain without pants or shoes on if he had to. “Please, Jay!” Mike said when Jay was in the foyer, putting on his shoes. Mike dropped to his knees with a grunt, the left one hurting worse than ever. He lifted his arms, clasping his hands together. “Jay, I’m begging you, just stay for five minutes and listen--” 

“Fuck you,” Jay said, so mildly that it hit Mike worse than his shouting and crying had, because he sounded so resigned, closed-up, done. He finished tying his shoes and stood, his coat tucked under his arm. “You’ll find someone else who likes to suck dick and get fucked, Mike. That’s all you really liked about me, anyway.” 

“Are you crazy--” Mike started to say, desperate, and he winced when he heard his word choice.

Jay tried to force his shaking lips into a sneering, ugly grin. His cheeks were still so red, but his eyes were dry. 

“Yep,” Jay said. “I’m a full-blown psycho, that’s the conclusion people usually come to, and now you know, too. Thinking I’m some kind of-- Danger to myself is a new one, though, people usually just want to get the fuck out to spare themselves, not me. You’ll be glad I’m gone within an hour or two, believe me.”

“Jay, did you not hear me! I love you, I’m in love with you--” 

“Oh my god, you are not, shut up--” 

“Look at me!” Mike shouted, his eyes overflowing when Jay turned for the door and unlocked it. “Jay, jesus, please-- I’m fucking begging you, look at me! I’m on my goddamn knees!”

Jay stood with his back to Mike for a moment, holding the door open. He turned only to half-look at Mike from over his shoulder. 

“You know I never actually had to do what you told me to?” Jay said. “I just wanted to, so. It’s not going to work anymore, now that I don’t.”

He didn’t even slam the door, just shut it behind him like he was walking out on something incidental and not worth looking back at.

Mike tried to get up to go after him and managed to yank something out fully of whack in his left knee in the process. He shouted in pain and fell forward onto his hands, whimpering as he straightened his right leg and slowly lifted himself up. He tested his weight on the left leg and felt another shooting stab of pain from his knee that made him stagger forward, hopping on his right leg and hissing under his breath, the tears that had gathered in his eyes streaking down his cheeks. 

He limped over to the sofa, thinking: perfect. No less than what he deserved. A punishment befitting the crime.

*


	10. Chapter 10

Thirteen hours later, Mike still hadn’t slept, though he was beginning to doze off while seated in the hallway outside of Jay’s apartment door, a cup of still-warm Starbucks in each of his hands. One cup was a large cappuccino, which was Jay’s caffeinated drink of choice when he was feeling indulgent, and the other was a plain black coffee, also large. Both cups had MIKE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH JAY written on them, by the barista, per Mike’s request, which had seemed like a brilliant idea after he’d consumed several sugary Starbucks drinks himself while waiting for the perfect timing to order Jay’s so that it would still be hot by the time Mike got to his place and greeted him at the door on his way to work. 

All of this had seemed like a great plan around hours ten through twelve without sleep, but now that Mike was actually on the threshold of actually enacting it, he was pretty sure Jay would laugh in his face for thinking that showing up with a couple of fucking coffees with a pathetic message written on them would mean a goddamn thing to him after Mike had betrayed him with Josh as his accomplice. 

Mike snarled at the thought of Josh, wishing he could believe this was all that asshole’s fault. He knew it was his own, which just made him resent Josh more even so. Mike had called him in a panic the night before, after Jay left, expecting him to have at least gotten an angry text from Jay. Josh said he hadn’t seen or heard anything from him, but it was possible the fucker had been lying. Mike wasn’t even sure Jay was actually in his apartment right now, and every time he heard the slightest noise he’d perk up, but thus far it had always been one of Jay’s neighbors leaving for work, giving Mike a look on their way past that suggested they were tempted to call the cops, though all of them surely recognized him. Prior to their prolonged hibernation in Mike’s apartment, Mike had been over here all the time, and it still wasn’t unusual for him to make supply runs for more of Jay’s stuff. 

Mike was nodding off when Jay’s door finally opened at ten till eight in the morning, and in his panic to scramble up onto his feet Mike forgot the persisting pain in his knee and ended up shouting ‘SHIT!’ and nearly falling over when standing tweaked his knee terribly, one of the coffees sloshing so that it spilled out onto the plastic top. 

“What the fuck,” Jay said, standing there in his rain jacket with his apartment key lifted as if he might have to use it as a weapon. “Mike, what-- What’s wrong?”

What’s _wrong_? Mike wanted to scream, boggling at Jay when Jay helped him steady himself and lean against the wall. 

“I mean with your leg,” Jay muttered, giving Mike a look when he saw his incredulous expression. “Are you--” He leaned forward as if for a kiss and sniffed the air near Mike’s mouth. “You’re not drunk, are you?”

“No,” Mike said. He bit his lip when it trembled and pulled himself together, feeling dazed from lack of sleep and the pain in his knee, which he was trying to ignore. “Here,” he said, lifting the coffees and turning them so the message written on them was readable. “I-- This one is cappuccino, and this one is regular, uh. You can have both, if you want. I just wasn’t sure which one you’d prefer, so. I got both.” 

“You look terrible,” Jay said, ignoring the coffees and staring up into Mike’s face.

Mike grunted. Jay didn’t look so great himself. His eyes were puffy from the crying he’d done at Mike’s place, and possibly more that he’d done while alone. Even his hair didn’t look quite right, his usual swoop styled clumsily. 

“I haven’t slept,” Mike said. He cleared his throat when he heard how fucked up and deranged he sounded. “I, uh. I’ve also had a lot of caffeine, at Starbucks, trying to stay awake. And sugar. I think I might be crashing, but. I’m fine, I have my car, I can give you a ride to work. Even if you fucking hate me forever, you know riding in my car is better than waiting for the bus. It’s raining, Jay. And I’ll let you pick the music, like always.”

“Mike--” Jay lifted his lip slightly, less in disgust than distaste, maybe edged with concern. “You don’t look well, seriously. What happened to your leg?”

“It’s nothing, it’s fine, I’m fine--”

“You’re clearly not--” Jay groaned and looked down the hallway when one of his neighbors stepped out to lock her door and wave before heading off on her way. “Come here,” he grumbled, taking Mike by the arm with a sigh. He opened his apartment door and pulled Mike inside. 

“Did you see the names on the coffees?” Mike asked, holding them up when they were standing in Jay’s apartment, the smell of which was making Mike feel homesick, which was weird. Mike’s eyes were blurring over, more from exhaustion than the urge to weep, though that was present, too. 

“Jesus,” Jay muttered, reading the message on one coffee cup, then the other. He looked up into Mike’s eyes, scowling. “You’re--” He sighed rather than finishing that statement. “You look half dead.”

“I am, that’s perfect. That’s exactly what I am, Jay. ‘Cause you’re the other half of me. And I’d be full-dead without you.” 

“Nothing coming out of your mouth is making any sense. Give me those.” 

Jay took the coffees and brought them into the kitchen, put them on the counter. He stared at them for a minute, his back to Mike, then turned to glare at him. The glare softened after a few breaths. Jay shook his head. 

“You can’t go to work like this,” he said, mumbling. 

“Sure I can,” Mike said. “I’m just. A little tired. Is all.” 

“You look like you can barely stand up. Goddammit. Come here.”

Jay crossed the room to Mike and offered him an arm to help him walk. Mike had no idea where they were going, just knew that Jay was holding onto him, so everything was temporarily okay. He wanted to lean over and bury his face in Jay’s hair, to breathe in deep and maybe cry there for a while. 

“Your coffees are getting cold,” Mike said. “Did you read what was written on them?”

“Yes, Mike.”

“Well. Did it get through to you? Do you believe it? ‘Cause it’s true, Jay.” 

“Jesus. Here.” 

Jay pulled back the blankets on his bed, which was neatly made. Mike wanted to weep anew for this-- Even with his life falling apart, Jay made his fucking bed in the morning. Mike sat on it and took one boot off while Jay stood there staring at him, arms crossed over his chest. Mike glanced up at Jay warily, then took his other boot off when Jay didn’t tell him not to.

“Lay down and get some rest,” Jay said, pointing to his pillow. “I’ll clock in for you at work. You aren’t well, Mike.”

“That’s true,” Mike said, groping for Jay’s pillow. It smelled like him. Mike rubbed his face on it, fighting to keep his eyes open already.

“Just sleep whatever this is off. I’ll come check on you during my lunch break.”

“Jay.”

“What.”

“Do you still hate me?”

Mike peeked up at Jay from the bed, breathing heavily. He wasn’t sure what was happening. Possibly he was dreaming, or had died in a gutter at some point during the night and was in a limbo-like afterlife where Jay was with him but not close enough, affecting the perfect combination of heaven and hell. 

“I never said I hated you,” Jay said. He looked annoyed in a soft, tolerant way, his eyes filled with concern that he didn’t want to be experiencing. “Don’t try to talk to me while you’re like this. Jesus, you’re a mess. Sleep. I’ll-- Be back later.”

“Take my car,” Mike said, patting the pockets of his jacket, which he was still wearing. “Please, here.” He dug his keys out and held them up for Jay. 

Jay sighed as if the use of Mike’s car was a burden, but he took the keys. He left without kissing Mike on the cheek or even petting his hair a little. Mike supposed he’d gotten more than he deserved already, and was asleep before he’d even heard the apartment’s front door open and close as Jay left for work.

Mike had odd, pleasant dreams while sleeping alone in Jay’s bed, surrounded by the scent of him and also somehow the feeling of him that filled his apartment, with all its careful, quirky little design choices and fanboy accents that watched over Mike in bed. Some part of Mike was aware that Jay wasn’t with him even while he slept, and this longing for him, maybe combined with all the caffeine and sugar that was still thudding through him despite his exhaustion, sent him on strange journeys in his subconscious mind. He dreamed that he received a letter in the mail explaining that Jay was his soulmate. Mike was in high school in the dream, or anyway still living at his parents’ house. The letter was part of a fat package that resembled Mike’s fancy college acceptance packet, only this one was full of pictures of Jay, some of them on the racy side, and glossy charts and graphs showing data on Jay’s personality and interests, informing Mike what he was in for. Dream-Mike’s excitement about this development rivaled the thrill that actual-Mike had gotten when that acceptance package came in the mail, with a scholarship offer and everything. In the dream, knowing that he was destined to end up with Jay was far more important, and when he woke up feeling buzzy and calm, it still felt true. After all, his college degree hadn’t gotten him anything beyond the manager position at Lightning Fast, which had really just gotten him Jay, pending further developments.

Mike rolled over and went back to sleep, had more dreams. All of them had some element of discovering that he and Jay belonged to each other through semi-magical, semi-scientific means. Several were basically TNG episodes where he searched the Enterprise for Jay, his soul bond, his imprint, and seemed to just miss him around every corridor. They weren’t bad dreams, though. Mike felt hopeful through all of them, because it was just a matter of time before he turned the right corner and found Jay waiting for him. 

He woke up to the feeling of someone stroking his ear and shivered happily, unconcerned and still imagining that the point at the back of his ear was full-Vulcan. 

“Hey,” Jay said, leaning over him, seated on the bed. “You all right?”

“Hmm-- Yeah.” Mike rolled onto his back and blinked up at Jay, grinning stupidly. He felt drunk, only this was way better than that. Jay was with him, touching his shoulder. “Your hand is shaking,” Mike said, reaching over to put his on top of Jay’s.

“I drank both of those coffees,” Jay said, a little sharply. He took his hand out from beneath Mike’s, pulling it in his lap. “So. Too much caffeine.”

“Mhm,” Mike said, still smiling. Jay drank Mike’s coffees, love notes on the cups and all. “Still raining?” Mike said, turning toward Jay’s bedroom window to confirm, though he could hear it. 

“Yeah,” Jay said, eyes unfocused. 

It was pouring outside, grey and gross looking. Jay’s hair was a little wet. Mike wanted to pull Jay into the bed with him, but he didn’t dare move. He didn’t want to spook Jay or ruin this, or stop pretending everything was fine now, just because Jay had let him inside. 

“What time is it?” Mike asked, craning his neck to see Jay’s bedside clock. 

“Almost one,” Jay said. “I’ve gotta get back to the shop, um. My break’s almost over. Just wanted to check on you.”

“Well. Thanks. I’m good.”

“I went to see Josh,” Jay said, frowning down at Mike but at least meeting his eyes, finally. 

“What’d he have to say,” Mike asked, cautious. 

“He apologized. For, whatever. Overstepping. I guess I apologized, too. For worrying him, and, uh. That day when he came over, I don’t know-- What the fuck I did that for. I was freaking out, thinking you were going to break up with me right then and send me home with him.”

“Jesus.” 

Mike reached for Jay, but Jay shook his head and stood, pacing away from the bed and crossing his arms over his chest.

“I wasn’t, you know?” Mike said, sitting up on his elbow. “You realize that-- Right?” 

“Yeah. I read the coffee cups.”

Jay gave Mike a shy, uncertain smirk. Mike couldn’t manage to smile. He felt fully awake, and like his chest was being hollowed out with regret. Jay had been so messed up, because of him, because Mike hadn’t really been making him feel safe at all. 

“Jay, I’m sorry,” Mike said. “I wasn’t--”

“No,” Jay said, frowning again. “No, we’re not doing that right now. I gotta go back to work. You-- Just stay here, I can handle the rest of the shift alone. I’ll be back later.” 

Mike thought of protesting, but decided it was best to let Jay call the shots for now. He nodded and reclined onto the pillow again, giving Jay a pathetic, begging stare that he hoped Jay would find endearing, not obnoxious. 

“So, anyway,” Jay said, eyes averted while he stood between the bed and the door, turning so red that Mike could see it in just the low light from the window. “I also. Love you.” 

He left the room after saying so, without looking at Mike, and basically bolted out of the apartment, pausing only to lock the door behind him. 

Mike pulled the blankets up over his face and snickered into them with nervous, giddy relief, though he had the feeling this was only the beginning of some enormous mountain of angst they were going to have to climb together, now that they’d both stopped pretending otherwise for the sake of their game or their pride, fear, whatever else. 

He didn’t care, was ready to do anything as long as Jay did it with him.

Mike got up to take a leak at one point but otherwise stayed in Jay’s bed all day, listening to the rain and sleeping in intervals, rolling through an intense combination of contentment and anxiety. The anxiety was manageable, because while he still wasn’t sure what to expect when Jay got home, Jay had said he loved him and he’d meant it. 

Late in the afternoon Mike fell into a deep sleep that he didn’t wake from until it was dark outside, still raining. He heard noises from out in the apartment, and smelled something cooking. For a few minutes he just lay there hugging Jay’s pillow and letting himself revel in the feeling that everything was okay. Around this time the night before, nothing had been, and when Jay had left Mike’s apartment Mike had felt sure nothing ever would be again. 

He climbed out of bed, by then just wearing his sweater and boxers, and debated whether or not to put his jeans back on before going out to see what Jay was up to. He decided it was the respectful move and stepped into them, only wincing a little when his knee ached. Spending the whole day off his feet had helped, the pain dulled to something manageable, and Mike was walking almost normally as he headed out of the dark bedroom, blinking in the glow of lights from Jay’s living room and kitchen. Jay was at the stove, stirring something in a pot.

“Oh,” Jay said, looking over his shoulder at Mike, then quickly back down into the pot. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Mike said, walking over to him, moving slow both for the sake of his knee and because he wasn’t sure what he was allowed to do. “What’s that?” he asked, standing at Jay’s side and looking down into the pot, where he had some veggies cooking.

“I’m making chicken soup,” Jay said. 

“Aw. Thanks.”

“It’s not for you!” Jay gave Mike an annoyed look that for some reason made Mike have to bite his lip to keep from grinning, maybe because Jay was blushing again. “It’s for my lunches for the week,” Jay said, primly, back to staring down at the garlic and onions that were frying there. “But you can have some, too, for dinner. If you want.” 

“Yeah.” Mike leaned close to breathe in the slightly rain-scented smell of Jay and dared a little kiss to the side of Jay’s neck. He was so warm. Mike wanted to rub his face there, but he resisted, straightening up. “How was your day,” he asked. 

“Fine,” Jay said. “Not too busy. I got you that,” he said, pointing to something on his dining room table. 

Mike turned to see a red and yellow package and walked over to see what it was. 

“A knee brace?” he said, again wanting to laugh, not at Jay and his kindness but at how unearned it felt, how little he knew he deserved it. “Thanks,” he said, turning when he’d gotten that impulse under control. “That’s really thoughtful, Jay, thank you.” 

“Well, it’s my fault,” Jay said, mumbling. “I mean. Probably.”

“It’s really not, but thanks.” Mike pulled out one of the chairs at the table and sat in it with a grunt, tearing open the knee brace package and realizing as he did so that he’d have to take his pants off to get this thing on. 

Jay didn’t say anything more about Mike’s injury and its possible sex-with-Jay origins, so Mike let it drop. He slid his jeans down while still seated at the dining room table, and heard Jay laughing when he leaned over to put the brace on. 

“Sorry,” Jay said, turning back to his cooking. “I just looked over and you had your pants around your ankles. Do you need help?”

“I think I can manage,” Mike said. “You want help cooking?”

“No,” Jay said, unsurprisingly. He was a total control freak about this kind of thing, at least when in normal-mode: cooking, cleaning, making things in general. “Just stay off your feet. You can put the TV on if you want.” 

“I’d rather sit here and keep you company while you cook, if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Jay said, and he gave Mike a look that warned him not to talk about anything too serious yet. 

Mike was fine with that. He brought up a new Brazilian sci-fi movie he’d heard about recently, and of course Jay had heard about it, too. This evolved into a conversation about modern sci-fi in general, what Mike liked about it and what Jay found boring. Mike ended up talking about Star Trek, thinking about the dreams he’d had earlier. Jay groaned at Mike going off about TNG content he had no knowledge of, but he was smiling a little, and he brought Mike a beer when the soup was constructed, simmering. 

They ate together at the table, like everything was normal. Mike was feeling increasingly weird about not really talking about anything of substance, beginning to wonder if Jay had spoken his last words on the subject, saying he thought Mike only wanted him for sex one night, confessing that he loved Mike the following afternoon, then nothing, business as usual. Only Mike had no fucking clue what ‘business as usual’ meant for them anymore, even when it came to their actual workplace. 

He limited himself to two beers and decided not to push it, letting Jay ramble on about his brother’s wedding and how his family was already bugging him to do this or that. Mike wanted to tell him again to refuse, but it wasn’t his place and never had been, so he kept his mouth shut. The chicken soup was good, and he told Jay so, mostly letting Jay talk and noticing that Jay seemed increasingly nervous, too. He was chattering nonstop, as if to construct a blockade against any talking Mike might try to do. 

After dinner they sat in Jay’s viewing room, the second bedroom of his place that he’d devoted solely to his home theater. Mike felt a little stupid for having camped out for so long in his own place, when Jay’s setup was far superior. He stretched out on the couch and put his head in Jay’s lap while they watched a boring movie about a private investigator trying to solve the murder of a bland Bruce Willis character, set in 1950s New York. It was the kind of thing that would normally put Mike right to sleep, especially as cozy as he currently was, with his head on Jay’s warm thigh while Jay stroked his hair, but after spending the whole day napping Mike was able to stay awake through the entire dull-ass movie. When he sat up Jay was dozing a little, his head tilted back against the sofa cushions. 

“I’m gonna head to bed,” Jay said, rubbing at his face when Mike sat there looking at him uncertainly, not sure what to do next. Jay dug Mike’s keys out from the pocket of his jeans and handed them over. “Thanks for letting me use your car,” he said, which was his gentle way of telling Mike to use it now, to leave.

“Sure.” Mike stood, keys in his hand, feeling like Jay had just handed back the bloody heart Mike had tried to offer him. He told himself to stop being so dramatic and went out into the foyer, where Jay had lined Mike’s boots up against the wall and hung up his jacket. 

Jay followed Mike to the front door, maybe to make sure he’d actually go. Mike put his boots on without speaking and stood to grab his coat when Jay held it out for him. He had no idea what was happening, except that Jay probably needed some space, this was probably the smart, healthy thing to do, and that it was already killing him not to climb back into Jay’s bed and hold him all night while the rain kept falling, that he fucking needed it. 

“Can I drive you to work in the morning?” Mike asked when they were just standing there, staring at each other. 

“Tomorrow’s Saturday, Mike.”

Jay smiled after saying so. Mike felt pretty stupid, about that and other things. He nodded to himself and decided, fuck it. He’d lost the game, so he might as well show Jay more white flags. 

“Can I take you on a date, then?” Mike asked, mumbling like a scared teenager and staring at Jay’s chest.

Jay sighed. Mike could hear the ‘nope’ in it already, and he thought of what Josh had told him about Mandy, that she’d wanted Jay to just fucking take her out to dinner sometimes, but he’d only wanted her to whip him raw, call him names, and then be on her way. 

“I think I need a few days to myself,” Jay said, reaching up to squeeze his bicep in the nervous way he sometimes did, obviously laboring to meet and then hold Mike’s gaze. He managed it, looking guilty but determined. “Just, you know. To clear my head. I’m sorry about-- Some of the things I said to you, um. Last night. I’ve really let myself get in this, uhh. Fucked-up mindset about some things, so. Would probably be good for me to just hang out alone for a bit.” 

“Right.” Mike reached for him, then dropped his hands to his sides again, not wanting to press him or make him feel bad about needing this. “But there's nothing for you to be sorry about,” Mike said, needing to say this out loud, especially if he wasn’t going to see Jay for two whole days. “It was my fault, what happened, all of it--”

“It really wasn’t,” Jay said, looking annoyed by this claim. “But. We can talk about it later. I’m tired.”

“Kay.” Mike sighed and stuffed his keys into his jacket pocket, swaying on his feet with the urge to lean in and kiss Jay. “Thanks for looking after me today,” he said instead.

Jay smiled and nodded. When he leaned up for a kiss Mike expected something quick and perfunctory, a brush-off goodnight kiss, but Jay pressed himself to Mike’s chest and licked softly at his lips until they parted for him. He pushed his tongue into Mike’s mouth and sighed when Mike kissed him back with answering warmth, his hands going to Jay’s waist and settling there with just enough pressure to hold him close. They clung to each other and let it go on and on in a way that felt mutual on a mind-reading level, neither of them really deepening the kiss or even breathing much harder. It was heated only in the softest way, comforting. Mike shivered when Jay stroked the back of his neck while sucking gently at his bottom lip. In some weird way, especially when they pulled apart to stare into each other’s eyes, it felt like their first kiss. 

“Goodnight,” Jay said, pressing his lips to Mike’s one more time before lowering to the flats of his feet and stepping back. 

“Night.” 

Mike reached out to touch Jay’s cheek, absently and without really meaning to. Jay smiled and pressed into it, rubbing his face against Mike’s hand a little, and it felt-- Nice, like. Reassuring. Mike’s responding impulse was to launch at him, to grab him and kiss him and carry him to the bedroom, but he ignored it and turned for the door. Because he wanted to be good, for Jay.

*

Mike didn’t hear from Jay all weekend. He felt worried and restless, even considered calling Josh for a status report on Jay’s whereabouts several times, but he made himself behave, with the aid of lots of beer and time spent reading online about the kind of ‘lifestyle’ he now realized he wanted but probably couldn’t have with Jay. This lead to a lot of jerking off as well. He browsed accessories for sale and drunkenly considered ordering some: cuffs, ropes, a blindfold. He had the collar he’d wanted to order minimized in a separate window, and every time he pulled it up he felt his heart getting tugged at far more than the prospect of ordering those other items tugged at his dick, as if the collar was some rejected engagement ring. 

By Monday morning he was in a funk, but his mood improved instantly when he got a text message from Jay as he was attempting to drag himself from bed, browsing social media miserably on his phone.

_Hey, can I get a ride to work this morning?_

Another text came quickly, before Mike could type a single word in reply:

_Don’t worry about it if you’ve already left_

Mike sent: _Jay it’s 7:30. You know I’m still in bed. Of course I’ll pick you up._

He felt nervous awaiting a reply, which was ridiculous. This was the simplest exchange ever, but just hearing from Jay at all was thrilling after two days of nothing, and Mike felt like he might mess even this up somehow. Finally he got a reply from Jay.

_Okay cool. Text me when you’re almost there and I’ll meet you in the parking lot_

Mike did as instructed, and Jay was there waiting when he pulled up. Mike almost whimpered out loud with hopeful joy when he saw Jay was carrying that duffel bag that he’d packed when he left Mike’s place in a rage. Did this mean he was coming home to Mike? That he’d at least stay the night to try it out? Mike didn’t dare ask, just smiled at Jay and asked him how his weekend had been after he’d climbed into the passenger seat and tossed his duffel in the back. 

“Good,” Jay said, nodding to himself. “A little boring. I watched movies all day on Saturday, didn’t even get dressed. Yesterday I went for a run.” 

“Cool,” Mike said, feeling like an idiot.

“How about yours?”

Well, Mike wanted to say, I spent two full days looking at BDSM gear that I want to use on you and jacking off to the thought of doing it, and it really kind of sucked ass, will you marry me?

“Eh,” Mike said, lifting one shoulder. “I was pretty lazy. It was fine.” 

When they got to the shop, Mike had occasion to really take in Jay’s appearance under the glare of the fluorescent lights, both of them having settled into their chairs behind the counter, Jay with his coffee mug and Mike with his heartsick longing. It both warmed and devastated Mike to see Jay looking more glowy and calm than he had in weeks. His skin looked-- Fresher, or something. His hair was perfect. Mike told himself it was just the jog and the absence of Mike’s influence on his diet, not the absence of Mike entirely that was restoring Jay to his true beautiful self.

“So I watched that new Nicolas Cage thing on Saturday,” Jay said, grinning like he thought Mike would enjoy this information. 

“What Nicolas Cage thing?” Mike made a face, annoyed by his own annoyance with Jay’s cheerful, carefree demeanor. “And why?”

Jay told him all about it, declaring it visually brilliant but ruined by bad acting. Mike let him talk, and ended up hearing all about the five movies Jay had watched on Saturday. Mike had seen two of them, so he put in a few thoughts, but really he was just waiting to see what would happen, all day long. Lunch was uneventful, both of them eating together at the table in the break room, and the smell of Jay’s reheated chicken soup made Mike’s heart ache.

This is why you don’t do this love shit, he told himself, glowering at his reflection in the shop’s bathroom mirror after stepping in to splash cold water on his face and attempting to get it the fuck together. He was bad at this on all levels: bad for the other person, sure, but also determined to throw himself fully into every eruption of pain along the way, as if the hurt was part of what he craved when he fell for someone. 

Not that he’d ever fallen for someone this hard before, unless his first crush as a kid counted, and that was more about realizing he wanted to be loved like that at all, not about the girl whose name he now couldn’t even recall. 

“How’s your knee doing?” Jay asked when Mike returned to the front, to his chair. 

“It’s fine,” Mike said. “I mostly stayed off it this weekend, and, uh. I’ve got the brace on.”

He felt decidedly unsexy and old, but Jay looked pleased enough with this response. A quiet stretch followed, and Mike tried not to let it bother him, poking around on the computer and looking at proposals emailed to him from local marketing companies. So far every quote was more than the shop’s budget allowed, and it wasn’t really Mike’s decision to make anyway. He was just supposed to report to corporate on the options. 

Jay was reading a magazine when Mike glanced over at him. Mike didn’t know anyone else, even people who were older than him, who still had magazine subscriptions. It was so dorky and maybe even a little affected, and watching Jay page through his magazine and read information that could easily be found online, plus more, plus updates, made Mike almost angry with adoration. Jay liked physical media. He still bought special edition DVDs of movies he already had five copies of, sometimes just because he liked the box art. He and Josh would defend vinyl records and the like to their graves. 

“Did you talk to Josh this weekend?” Mike asked when it was almost quitting time. It was a dangerous question, but Mike was feeling antsy and couldn’t hold it in. 

“Nah,” Jay said. “I’m still kinda mad at him, a little.” He made a face and gave Mike a sneaky look, then turned his eyes back to his phone, having switched to that after finishing his magazine. 

“Are you still mad at me?” Mike asked. 

“No,” Jay said mildly, still looking at his phone. 

“Coming out for beers with me after work, then?” Mike asked hopefully, when Jay didn’t elaborate. 

“Mhm, no, I’m gonna go to the gym. I’ve gained like ten pounds in the past month.”

“It looks good on you,” Mike said, unable to not sound angry about this.

Jay snorted and glanced up at Mike. 

“Thanks,” he muttered. “But it’s not even just about how I look. It’s for, you know. Mental health, too.” 

“Ah.” 

So we’re never gonna fuck again, Mike wanted to say. Because that was bad for your mental health.

It wasn’t like Mike could deny this or absolve himself of blame. He just sat there miserably, wondering if he would ever again be able to get it up for someone who wasn’t Jay, now that he knew what it was like to fuck someone he loved. 

At five o’clock, Mike shut out the shop’s lights and Jay fetched his duffel from the back room. Gym clothes, of course. Mike had been moronic to think Jay would move back in with him after the way things had exploded between them, even for one night. But Jay had kissed him on Friday night. Jay had said he loved him, even. Then he’d sent Mike away and run out of the room, respectively, but: still. 

“Can you pick me up for work again tomorrow?” Jay asked when they were lingering near the front door of the shop, Jay with his duffel bag and Mike with his sagging heart. 

“Sure,” Mike said. “I’ll drive you to the gym now, too, if you want.”

“It’s not really on your way home.” 

“I don’t care. Jay--”

“It’s fine,” Jay said, cutting him off, maybe sensing that he’d been about to make a solemn promise to just do whatever Jay wanted from then on. Mike got the feeling Jay wouldn’t want that, considering how much he’d enjoyed being the one who was ordered around, but had he even really liked that? Maybe it had been like an illness for Jay, one he was now recovering from. “I don’t mind taking the bus to the gym,” Jay said, more softly, and he stepped close, leaned up onto his toes and kissed Mike’s cheek, his lips. Mike didn’t respond this time, just let Jay lick at him softly until he gave up. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Jay said, backing away. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Mike said, defeated. 

The rest of the week proceeded in this fashion. Mike picked Jay up for work each morning, twice getting up early enough to get him a Starbucks that he had waiting when Jay climbed in the car. Jay’s eyes lit up the first time Mike did this, and he leaned over to kiss Mike’s jaw the second time. Mike told himself to be grateful for small gestures and taking it slow, since he was the one who had nearly collapsed Jay’s entire psyche by moving too fast and too weirdly before. Jay went to the gym after work on Tuesday and Wednesday, too, kissing Mike goodnight before he left with his duffel bag. Mike got over himself enough to return Jay’s kiss on Tuesday, and held Jay’s face against his for maybe a little longer than Jay strictly wanted him to on Wednesday, not wanting to let him go.

On Thursday afternoon, watching the clock, Mike was sweating under his shirt by three. He hadn’t yet mentioned to Jay that he had another appointment with Rich downtown at four, but he planned to keep it, because he needed to talk to someone more than ever. He also needed to break the news to Jay now, because pretty soon he was going to have to start driving that way, and as painful as admitting he was going back to therapy was going to be, he sure as hell wasn’t going to lie to Jay about it again.

“So, um,” Mike said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “I gotta take off again, early. Like last week.”

“Take off?” Jay looked mildly interested, then he realized what Mike meant and his whole face changed. Mike could see him reliving it, the renewed light in his eyes dimming a little as he did: Mike’s lie, their fight, Mike’s confession, Jay’s grand departure from Mike’s apartment. “Oh. Right.”

“Yeah. So. Sorry, uh. To make you finish the shift alone--”

“There’s nothing going on,” Jay said, which was true. They’d had only one new job all week and it had been finished by Tuesday. “In fact,” Jay said, shifting his gaze to the countertop. “Uh. If you want, still. I could come with you.” 

“To-- ? Jay. You know I’m talking about therapy, right?”

Jay rolled his eyes and got a little pink-cheeked, also nodded.

Mike just stared at him like: bitch, are you for real?

“I know--” Jay pinched his eyes shut and groaned. “I know what I said, or whatever. Last week. But I was upset, and. Look, like. I actually want to do this so you’ll see I’m really fine. That I don’t need-- That. And, honestly? I mean. Mike. Like I’m gonna pass up the opportunity to see what you’re like in a therapist’s office?”

Jay smiled like he hoped this would lighten the mood. Mike wasn’t offended or upset in the least. He was fucking thrilled, so much that he was afraid that showing it would scare Jay away. Jay was going to come with him, for real? To see Rich? It was infuriating in the way Jay had been all week, keeping Mike at an arm’s length but also staying so sweet, dropping these little hints, looking at Mike from across the distance between them like he couldn’t be the one who caved first. But Mike would take every infuriating mixed signal Jay gave him, if Jay also gave him concessions like this. 

“Great,” Mike said, eyebrows shooting up. “Uh. Let’s head out, then. Traffic sucked last time.”

Mike had no idea who he was sitting next to in the car on the drive downtown: his boyfriend? His co-worker? An interested spectator who was mostly coming along to support Mike, who was the actual mess all along? It almost didn’t matter, because whatever role Jay saw himself in, he was there, playing with the radio and giving Mike nervous little glances at they got closer to Rich’s building. And really, at the end of the day, literally and figuratively, all Mike actually needed was to have Jay at his side.

“Wow, fancy,” Jay said when they were in the elevator. Mike could tell by Jay’s tense posture that he was starting to freak out a little about his decision to tag along, and also that he was determined to pretend otherwise and act like that this was amusing to him at best.

“It’s very casual,” Mike said. “His business card even says he specializes in blue collars.” 

Mike tugged at his Lightning Fast work shirt to demonstrate. 

“I don't know why you're wearing that after work hours,” Jay said, making a face. He’d left his at the shop and was wearing a hoodie over a t-shirt and jeans as usual. 

“I got no problem wearing my work clothes around town,” Mike said, though the real reason was that his undershirt probably had stains arms from the excessive sweating he’d done all day while waiting to tell Jay this was happening. 

“Mike!” Jack said, with unnecessary exuberance, when Mike walked into the waiting room, Jay trailing behind him. “Welcome back! And who’s this with you?”

“This is Jay,” Mike said, pointing his thumb back at him. Jay was trailing Mike almost like he wanted to hide behind him. “Rich knew he might be coming. Hope it’s okay.”

“Sure! I’ve got that note right here on the calendar, yep. So it’s a partner session, then? That costs a little more, but schedule-wise it’s no problem.” 

“Wait,” Jay said, muttering and still half-hiding behind Mike. “How expensive is this?”

“It’s fine,” Mike said, waving off his concern, though he actually wasn’t sure himself. He hadn’t received a bill from Rich yet.

“Maybe I’ll go,” Jay said, backing toward the door, his right bicep clutched firmly in his left hand. “If, if it’s gonna cost you a lot more, I don’t want to waste your money--”

Before Mike could refute this, Rich appeared in the doorway of the main office, right on time. 

“Ey, great, you’re here,” Rich said, beckoning them forward. “C’mon in, I didn’t have anyone ahead of you on the schedule today.”

“C’mon,” Mike said to Jay, softly, tipping his head toward Rich’s office. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry about the money.”

Jay remained frozen for a moment. Rich had already headed into the office, and Jack was back at his computer, clicking around like he’d gotten reabsorbed in a video game that he’d paused when Mike walked in. 

“It’ll be good, Jay,” Mike said, hating himself for wondering if that word would work now, here. “You’ll see. Let’s go.” 

Jay huffed a little but followed Mike into Rich’s office. 

“You can shut the door,” Rich said, already seated in his chair and scribbling on his yellow notepad. “Jay, I presume?” he said, without looking up.

“Yeah,” Jay said. “I’m just. I might not-- Talk, if that’s okay.”

“Whatever you like! Have a seat, fellas.”

Mike sat in the same spot he’d taken the week before. He expected Jay to slide all the way over to the other side of the sofa, maybe grab a pillow and hold it over his chest like armor, but he sat right next to Mike, his shoulder touching Mike’s while he stared curiously at Rich and shifted on the sofa cushions like he couldn’t get comfortable. 

“Great,” Rich said, tossing the notepad aside and wiggling the pen between his fingers. “Jay, welcome. I’m glad you came.”

“Uh,” Jay said. “Like I said--”

“Yeah, sure, you don’t have to say a word if you don’t feel like it. Although, if you don’t mind, right at the outset, there is one question I’d like you both to answer. It can be a one word answer, or you can elaborate, whatever you want.”

“Sure,” Mike said, feeling better than he had all week, simply because Jay was terrified and was leaning against his shoulder a bit, seeking protection. “What’s your question?” Mike asked.

“This is a question for both of you, but I’m asking you each individually,” Rich said, looking serious, maybe also a little bored. “Do you want this relationship to work?”

“Yes,” Mike said, without looking at Jay. “I mean, but-- I don’t know--” Then he did look at Jay, who hadn’t said a word and looked a bit as if he’d just been told he was under arrest. “I don’t entirely know, uh, what it is, you know, I think, we’re trying to like, define some things--”

“Yes,” Jay said, looking startled but sincere. He didn’t glance at Mike, even when Mike stared at him, wanting him to elaborate.

“Good!” Rich said. “I like to have the other person hear that from their partner up front, it helps. Anyway. Mike, I guess you can start, if you have something on your mind this week.”

Mike swallowed around a dryness in his throat, wishing Jack had offered him refreshments on the way in. He thought of asking Rich for a glass of water, then decided not to waste billable time.

“We had a fight,” Mike said. “A week ago.”

“It wasn’t a fight,” Jay snapped, and Mike’s heart lifted. 

He looked over at Jay and bit his lip to contain his grin. Jay was frowning. Mike loved him so much. Of course the secret to getting Jay to talk during therapy would be to say something he’d want to correct. 

“Interesting,” Rich said when Mike and Jay had just stared at each other for a few beats, neither backing down. “Jay, how would you characterize it, then?”

Jay looked at Rich incredulously, then at Mike, then at the floor, shifting away from Mike a little when he did. 

“I got mad at Mike,” Jay said. “And yelled at him, and left the apartment. Mike didn’t fight back. He-- There was a misunderstanding. Then he cleared it up, and I got mad because he’d lied to me-- Wait, how much do you even know about this?” he asked, squinting at Rich. He turned to Mike before Rich could answer. “What all have you told him, exactly?”

“Let’s see,” Rich said, looking up and to the left, as if to consult his mental encyclopedia of knowledge of his clients. “You two have been co-workers for a long time, and friends, and you began a sexual relationship about ah, was it two months ago?”

“Oh god,” Jay said, moving even farther from Mike on the sofa and leaning forward to put his hands over his face, elbows on his knees. 

“What?” Mike said.

“Nothing,” Jay said, hands still over his face. “You talk. I don’t want to.”

“Okay,” Mike said, scoffing. He turned to Rich. “Yeah, two months. And this fight we had was because Jay thought I wanted to break up. And I told him I wanted this instead, for him to come here with me and try to talk things out. He accused me of wanting to have him committed to an institution--”

“I wasn’t serious!” Jay said, shooting upright to glare at Mike. “Jesus!”

“Hmm, well, you were flipping out so hard I couldn’t tell what the fuck you were being serious about or not, Jay.”

“I fucking apologized! Did you bring me here just to make me feel like shit about this thing that you were claiming was your fault the other day?”

“Okay,” Rich said, holding up a time out hand. “The impression I was getting from Mike last time was that you two haven’t been clear with each other about what you want and don’t want in this arrangement. Jay, since I didn’t hear from you last time, if you feel like giving me your side of the story and telling me what you’re hoping to get out of a relationship with Mike, feel free.” 

Mike thought this was pretty smart, framing it like Jay would have the chance to tell his side. Like they were taking turns, still playing the game, and Mike had a head start. 

Jay moaned and sat back against the sofa cushions, sort of jamming himself into them and moving still farther from Mike in the process. 

“I want Mike to not make me tell him what I want,” Jay said. “Which I guess is impossible for him. I’m literally willing to do anything he wants, as long as he doesn’t make me ask for what I want, and he’s brought me to a fucking therapist’s office, because I guess doing the one thing I’m uncomfortable with is his fetish. Which I should have seen coming.” 

“Good,” Rich said.

“Good?” Mike said, boggling at him.

“Yeah. Jay is communicating. He doesn’t want to tell you what he wants. He just said so.”

“Well,” Mike said, sputtering. “That’s stupid.”

“Fuck you!” Jay said.

“Eyy, all right,” Rich said. “Mike. That comment was pretty unhelpful. What’s stupid about it to you?”

“What’s stupid about refusing to tell someone what you want and then huddling up in a depressed cocoon for weeks when he can’t figure it out on his own--?” 

“I didn’t do that! I was catching up on sleep, jesus! I’ve had insomnia since I was fucking six years old and finally I could sleep well, excuse the fuck out of me if I wanted to enjoy it for a while!”

“I didn’t know that!” Mike said, shouting. He wondered if the door was sound-proofed. Probably? “Because you didn’t tell me! So you don’t get to be mad that I didn’t know!”

“Let’s pause for a sec,” Rich said, reaching for his notepad. “Though this is all good stuff, so far. I’m very encouraged.”

“Terrific,” Mike said, disliking him just as much as he’d liked him last time, or more.

“Jay,” Rich said, ignoring Mike. “Are you being hyperbolic, or were you actually diagnosed with insomnia at six years old?”

“Diagnosed?” Jay scoffed. “I should show you a picture of what my fucking teeth looked like up until the last decade. My parents didn’t even give enough of a shit about me to get me in braces. If I couldn’t sleep it was my fucking problem and they were oblivious.”

Jay had his hands in fists over his knees and was sitting forward like he was ready to fight about this, too, glowering at Rich.

“I see,” Rich said, writing on his notepad. “Tell me more about that.”

“Why? What the fuck has it got to do with Mike diagnosing me with being depressed when I’m sitting here telling him I wasn’t?”

“Maybe a lot, but I can’t be sure until I hear more from you. If you’re comfortable, that is.”

“Well, I’m not, so. Next subject.”

Rich looked up from his notepad. Jay was staring at nothing in particular, seething, his gaze pointed vaguely in the direction of a plant in the corner. Mike’s heart was beating hard. He’d heard Jay joke about this stuff with his parents before while drunk, but that was it. 

“Okay,” Rich said, after he’d waited Jay out for a minute. “Back to the fight. Mike, you said it stemmed from Jay thinking you wanted to end the relationship. Had you done something to give him that impression?”

Mike groaned. “From his perspective, in hindsight, yes. I couldn’t get it up the other night--”

“Jesus!” Jay said, whirling to glare at Mike.

“What?” 

Jay didn’t answer, just put his hand over his burning face and flopped back against the sofa cushions again. 

Mike looked to Rich, who made a little gesture like: he’s fine, continue.

“As I was saying,” Mike said, sharply, “I couldn’t get turned on because I was so anxious about coming here for my first appointment. And part of that was because I knew I was gonna lie to Jay and say I was doing something else, because I was embarrassed, and also not even sure if I’d like this or ever come back anyway. And, just. Sometimes I want to, ah. Protect him, from things.”

“Christ,” Jay muttered, hand still over his face. 

“What?” Mike said again, lifting his hands. “What, Jay? Feel free to jump in here.”

“Nothing. I just should have known all this would make you see me as some kind of pitiful child you need to protect.” 

“What do you mean by ‘all this’?” Rich asked when Jay didn’t say any more and Mike just sat there in angry silence, annoyed mostly that Jay wasn’t entirely wrong. 

“He means the sex stuff,” Mike said when Jay didn’t answer. “Me taking care of him, saying he’s doing a good job--”

Jay groaned and grabbed a throw pillow, sank down low against the sofa’s back cushion and held the pillow over his face. 

“Jay,” Rich said when Mike just stared at him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jay said, his voice muffled in the pillow. “I just should have known this would be all about Mike wishing I could be normal.”

“I do not!” Mike said. “I love how you are! Fuck! It’s perfect! For me, anyway.” 

“Yeahh, clearly. That’s why you’re here explaining to a stranger how fucked up it is, after you went to my fucking friend about it behind my back first.”

“A friend?” Rich said, and the look he gave Mike was pretty mild but still made Mike feel like trash. “What’s this about?” 

“He lied to me,” Jay said, moving the pillow away and bolting upright, clearly energized by the opportunity to judge Mike. “And said he was going shopping for some ‘surprise’ for me, and that surprise was him having a fucking brunch date with one of my friends so Mike could complain at length that I’m a sex maniac who’s mentally deteriorating--”

“I did not say that!” Not the maniac part, anyway.

“--And interrogating my friend about people I’ve fucked in the past,” Jay continued, apparently still furious about this. “And basically just trying to figure out what’s _wrong_ with me so he can _fix_ it, and then I guess he decided he needed your help, so! Here we are.”

“I was worried!” Mike said, aware that this was a lame defense. “And you won’t talk to me! You won’t answer my goddamn questions about stuff I need to know so I can know what the fuck is going on with you, if you’re even okay-- And I swear to god, you use-- You use your little meltdowns like fucking armor, until I back down and pretend everything’s fine so I won’t set you off again. Because you’re fucking scary when you freak out like that, Jay, you-- You scare the shit out of me!” 

Jay boggled at Mike. Rich just sat there placidly observing, hands folded over his belly. Mike finally couldn’t look at Jay anymore, and turned to put his elbow on the arm of the sofa, his hand over his mouth. He wished he hadn’t said that, though he wasn’t sure why yet.

“I mean,” Jay said, his voice cracking in a way that made Mike turn back toward him. Jay didn’t look angry, wasn’t even looking at Mike or anything, really, the color draining from his face. “I know,” he said. “Ah. I scare myself, too.” 

“What is it you’re afraid of when you get emotional?” Rich asked after another stretch of silence that made Mike feel like he was dying, or maybe committing murder. 

Jay just shook his head and slumped back again, shrugging. 

“Okay,” Rich said when Jay stayed silent. “I just want to take a moment to say I’m really impressed with you two. We’re just getting started and you’re making great progress already.”

“Uh,” Mike said. His voice felt raw from shouting and his eyes were burning at the corners. “What?”

“It might look messy at first, but trust me, this is good. Jay was saying before that he left the apartment after you fought. What did the resolution look like, if there was one?”

Mike described the morning when he’d shown up at Jay’s door with the Starbucks coffees, and what things had been like since then. Jay stayed quiet, arms crossed tight over his chest, listening. 

“It sounds like Jay is establishing some needed boundaries,” Rich said. “Which is a good idea.”

From the corner of his eye, Mike saw Jay sit up a little straighter, bolstered by this approval. Fucking teacher’s pet, Mike thought, missing the days when Jay had swooned for his praise.

“And Mike,” Rich said, “What I think you’re telling me is that you miss the closeness of your previous arrangement.”

“If that’s a polite way to say I miss the sex, yeah, I do,” Mike said, and then he felt mean and glanced over at Jay. “And, just. Having you there. In bed, at night. I miss it.” 

“You have a funny way of showing it,” Jay said. 

“Oh, so sorry I haven’t bullied you into sex during our shifts this week, jesus--”

“That’s not what I mean!” Jay huffed and widened his eyes like Mike was being dense. “You’re constantly complaining about how much I was sleeping when I was staying at your place. Now you’re saying you miss having me in your bed? What the fuck, Mike.” 

“You know it’s not normal for anyone to sleep that much! All you were doing outside of work was fucking me, eating and sleeping-- You couldn’t even stay awake for a goddamn movie!”

Jay said nothing, and Rich let that hang in the air for a while. Jay shifted on the sofa but kept his mouth clamped shut, eyes averted. 

“We don’t have to come to a resolution about what an ideal relationship looks like for each of you today,” Rich said. “Or what the compromise would look like. But if you’re both interested in continuing the intimacy part of your relationship, I have an exercise I’d like to suggest.”

“Exercise?” Mike muttered, with dread.

“He doesn’t mean the fucking gym, Mike,” Jay said. “Though it wouldn’t kill you to come with me some time.”

“Hey!” Mike said, feeling like that was way below the belt. 

“I mean for your health!” Jay said, looking panicked when he realized how Mike had heard that. He moved a little closer, his eyes softening for the first time since they’d walked into Rich’s office. “I like the way you look,” he said, flushing. “A lot, believe me. I just worry, uh. Your diet sucks, and you’re in your forties now, and your knee--”

Jay trailed off, red-faced and inching closer to Mike before dropping his gaze. 

“Let’s put that aside for now,” Rich said, waving his hand through the air. “The exercise I’m talking about involves sex and intimacy. Two different kinds, since it sounds like the transition between the two types you both enjoy is what you’re having trouble with.” 

“What?” Jay snapped. “What types?”

“Structured role play on the one hand,” Rich said, holding out a finger in a way that Mike found slightly obscene. Rich had weirdly long fingers, which for some reason brought amphibious creatures to Mike’s mind. “And on the other hand,” Rich said, extending a second finger, “This kind of deeply codependent domesticity, which has maaaybe become too much like the first thing in a way that’s draining for both of you. There needs to be a separation that establishes what you like and are getting from each thing, and why you might need different intensity levels from each of them. Does that make sense?”

“Sorta,” Mike muttered.

“Yes,” Jay said, sucking up. 

Mike turned his cheek to hide his eye roll.

“Good,” Rich said. “So, here’s the exercise. This coming weekend, do you guys have plans?”

Mike waited for Jay to say yes, that he had to go run a marathon and plan his brother’s wedding and build a dollhouse with Josh.

“No,” Jay said. 

Mike shook his head when Rich looked to him.

“Great,” Rich said. “Well, if you’re willing to spend the weekend working on your relationship, what I’d suggest is devoting Saturday to the first type of intimacy. Some kind of elaborate game like the type it sounds like you both enjoy-- But lay all the rules out clearly before you start. That could even be part of the fun. I feel like you two might actually enjoy negotiating, if you get past the embarrassment you seem to associate with it.”

Mike suppressed a second eye roll. 

“Then on Sunday, take your time with whatever you need to totally come out of that headspace, and concentrate on having no hard and fast rules, spoken or unspoken, just being together and communicating about what you want or don’t want in the moment, and, if it feels okay, do this not just in each other’s exclusive company, where it seems like you’re getting lost in the other mindset a bit too easily. Go out and have a meal together, or even go see friends together if you feel like it.”

“We don’t have any mutual friends,” Mike said, angrily, and he wasn’t sure if he was annoyed or charmed when Jay snorted and seemed to be having trouble containing laughter when Mike glanced over at him. 

“Fine, then go to a movie or something,” Rich said, waving his hand through the air. “Just, basically, engage with both each other and the ‘real world’ in a way that helps you transition out of the highly structured role play scenes from the day before.” 

“What kind of role play scenes?” Jay asked, muttering like he thought this was kind of stupid but was also curious and oh, hello: wanted to be told what to do. 

“Anything you like,” Rich said, flapping both hands in their direction. “Think about it tomorrow, work something up together that you’ll both be into, and establish all the rules ahead of time. Either play it out until midnight on Saturday, if that appeals to you and if that’s your energy level, or just until one or both of you feel finished with it. Then do what I suggested on Sunday, and be honest with each other the whole time about how you’re feeling. Maybe answer each other’s hard questions, if they come up, or just explain calmly to the other person why you don’t want to talk about that yet. Then you can let me know how it went when we meet again next week. For now, looks like-- Yep, our time’s up, just now.”

“Wait, seriously?” Jay said, shoulders jerking. “It’s already five o’clock?”

“Sure is!” Rich rose out of his chair with a groan. “And I’ve got to beat cheeks to get home or my wife will be mad. It’s her birthday!”

Mike left the office feeling dazed, Jay trailing behind him. He expected Jay to groan or otherwise protest when he made an appointment for the following Thursday for the both of them, but Jay said nothing, just stood there at Mike’s side looking as drained as Mike felt. 

“When can I, uh, expect to receive a bill for this?” Mike asked Jack.

“We bill on a monthly cycle,” Jack said. “So you should get that in the mail next month. Have a great night, you two! See you next week!”

Mike tried not to think about that bill arriving after a month’s worth of sessions. It could very well be thousands of dollars. He hadn’t even asked what Rich’s hourly rate was, had just assumed his blue collar clientele meant value. Maybe Rich would end up sending Mike to collections, but Mike couldn’t worry about that yet. He needed this too much, felt too weirdly relieved and light on his feet, again, as he followed Jay into the elevator.

The doors of the elevator shut, and Mike immediately felt suffocated by Jay’s silence. He turned to ask Jay if he’d completely hated that, but Jay spoke before Mike could.

“Could you fuck me?” Jay asked, blunt and casual like he was asking if Mike wanted to get a beer. 

“Could I-- What, in the elevator?”

“No, just.” Jay licked his lips and stepped closer to Mike, staring up into his face with unguarded desperation pooling thicker and thicker in his eyes. “I need it,” he said, whispering. “Like, bad, like. I can’t wait till we’re home, so. Somewhere, in the car or, I don’t know, please--”

“Oh-- Okay--”

Staggered by this, Mike swooned in to kiss Jay, but the elevator stopped on the fifth floor before he could get his lips against Jay’s. The doors opened and a middle-aged lady in ridiculously tall heels walked inside, smiling at both of them. Jay stepped to the other side of the elevator entirely. Mike kept the corner of his eye on him, and was in danger of getting hard in his pants when he noticed Jay's breathing had quickened, because apparently just asking Mike to fuck him had gotten him worked up.

The elevator hit the lobby and Jay fell into step beside Mike on the way to the parking deck. It was rush hour, the lobby crowded with people who were heading home from work, and Mike was pretty sure fucking in the car would get them arrested if they did it while parked in the deck, so they’d have to find someplace else. He felt insane with brain-wiping lust himself, suddenly, spurred into it by Jay’s need of him, also because it had been a full week of nothing but goodnight kisses and his own hand. 

“Are you okay?” Mike asked when they were in the car together, Jay’s increasingly ragged breathing now audible, too. 

“Yeah-- I don’t know-- Yeah.” Jay nodded, his hands clawed around his thighs. “Mike, please?”

“Okay, um-- Check the glove compartment. I think I’ve got lube and a condom in there.” 

“A condom?” Jay said, looking panicked. 

“Jesus, Jay, I haven’t been with anyone else since-- We should use it just so you won’t have to, uh. Ride all the way back home with my come leaking out of you.”

“Oh jesus.” Jay shut his eyes and exhaled heavily, less like he was relieved about Mike being faithful to him and more like he couldn’t fucking wait for Mike to come inside him. “That’s thoughtful of you,” he said, smirking when he opened his eyes again. 

“Yeah, well.” Mike withheld a comment about how they both knew Mike should be a little more thoughtful, going forward, where Jay was concerned. “Look in there and check, I, uh-- That’s my emergency car sex kit, and I haven’t used it in a while.” 

Jay opened the glove compartment and found the little bottle of lube, also a strip of condoms. He shoved both into the pockets of his hoodie. 

“Am I gonna need more than one?” Mike joked, starting the car.

“I don’t know,” Jay said, dragging his clenched hands down over his thighs, then back up again. His tongue darted out shallowly over his bright pink lips, and Mike almost moaned just for watching him get like this. He’d fucking missed it, so much. “Just please, hurry, I feel--” Jay fidgeted in his seat, shook his head, turned to Mike. “Please?”

“Yeah, I’m-- I got a place in mind, actually, it’s not far from here. Don’t worry, Jay,” he added, holding Jay’s near-panicked gaze. “Gonna take care of you.”

“Yeah,” Jay breathed out, nodding. “Mike, thank-- Thank you, I’m sorry, thank you--”

“Shh, you’re good, don’t apologize.”

Mike wasn’t sure if this was against their rules. Did they even have new rules yet? He supposed not, so why not have one last crazed, boundary-free fuck in semi-public before they started to act like responsible adults about this? 

They didn’t talk at all on the way to the fancy lakeside steak restaurant Mike had in mind, which was packed with post-work revelers as he’d expected and would provide a good place for a bathroom stall quickie, if Mike’s memory of the place’s dark, luxe men’s room was accurate. They wouldn’t even need to get a table, would just head toward the bar and then bypass it. 

He lucked out getting one of the last parking spots in the lot and climbed out of the car feeling like he was about to dive out of a plane, only there was no fear involved whatsoever, just adrenaline pumping hard, the rush of anticipation making feel near invincible as he lead Jay into the place, his hand at the small of Jay’s back while he steered him through the crowd, toward the restrooms. 

“Perfect,” Mike said when he found the men’s room empty and just as fancy as he remembered it, with dim mood lighting and three huge stalls with wooden doors that went all the way to the floor. In his younger days, Mike was somewhat of a connoisseur when it came to fast, hard fucks in bathroom stalls, and he still took note whenever he noticed a particularly good spot for doing so, even if it wasn’t in his current plans.

He brought Jay into the stall at the far end of the room and pulled him inside by the hand. As soon as the door was shut and locked behind them, Jay was grabbing for the button on Mike’s jeans, breathing hard and fumbling to get at Mike’s stiffening dick, his hands clumsy with frantic need. 

“Jesus,” Mike said, nudging his face down against Jay’s so he could get a kiss, at least. Jay kissed back with the same shameless urgency, dragging his teeth over Mike’s bottom lip and letting Mike feel how wet his mouth had already gotten before pulling free to refocus on getting Mike’s dick out. Jay was drooling for it, almost literally. “Left you wanting it too long, didn’t I?” Mike said, leaning in to press his mouth to Jay’s ear while Jay reached into his pants and tugged him out. “Mhm, yeah, Jay, there you go. Show me what you need.” 

Jay went to his knees as if he’d been waiting for permission. He breathed against Mike’s cock in a way that was so grateful, overcome with what looked like relief, that Mike had to stuff his hand in his mouth to keep from moaning, though as far as he knew they were still the only guys in here. He could hear the buzz of the restaurant’s noise even through the closed bathroom door, and it was getting him off, the threat and the danger and all the stuff he was supposed to be learning not to love.

“Please,” Jay said, lifting his chin to show Mike his blown eyes and panting mouth, which was right there up against Mike’s dick, his shiny lips bumping the shaft when spoke. 

“It’s all yours, baby,” Mike said, expecting Jay to scowl at the mocking endearment. 

He didn’t, just shut his eyes and took Mike into his mouth, sighing around him like having that thickness filling his mouth was a long drink of water he’d been denying himself on a trip through the desert, saved for when he really, really needed it. Mike stroked his fingers through Jay’s hair and twitched his hips just a little, sorry already that this blow job would have to be brief, because if Mike wanted to last for more than a few thrusts into Jay’s ass, after a whole week without it, he was going to have to put a stop to Jay worshiping him with his mouth sooner rather than later. 

“There you go,” Mike said, speaking soft and slow, letting Jay hear the combination of praise and smug ownership in his tone. Mike’s whole body was thrilling with it, and god, he needed Jay to feel it, too, wanted Jay fucking drenched in the so-right wrongness of how much they needed each other, therapy and friends and the real world be damned. “Good, Jay. Mph, so good. Needed that cock bad, yeah. Look at you, fucking perfect for me.”

Jay moaned around Mike’s dick so with such powerful relief, agreement, submission, something-- Mike almost came. He hissed and pulled Jay’s hair, easing him off. 

“Gonna fuck you now,” Mike said, yanking Jay up by his arms and spinning him around, not quite slamming him against the wall but pushing him there hard enough to get a gasp out of him. Mike was quick to press his body up against Jay’s, fitting his chest to Jay’s back and rubbing his cock against the seat of Jay’s jeans. “You ready?” Mike asked, murmuring this into Jay’s ear.

“Fuck yes,” Jay said, eyes closed against the wall, hips twitching back to rub his ass against Mike’s dick. “Fucking-- Please, god, Mike, please--”

“Aw, you don’t have to beg. My good, sweet, perfect Jay. Gonna give you everything you need, poor Jay. Waited so long, didn’t you?”

“Mike,” Jay said, nodding.

“I’m gonna have to work you open a little,” Mike said, whispering this into Jay’s ear while he tore Jay’s jeans open and pushed them down. He reached into the pocket of Jay’s hoodie and pulled out the lube. “Gonna be good and let me get you ready?”

“Yes, sir,” Jay said. 

Mike moaned for how good it felt to feed Jay a line like that and hear exactly what he wanted in response. He closed his teeth around the rim of Jay’s left ear, thinking about what they were going to do on Saturday, how good Jay was at letting himself get totally lost to it but still sticking to the script that only existed somewhere in the air between their bodies, unseeable but so real.

Jay made a high-pitched, watery sound when Mike slid just one lubed-up finger into him. When a second finger pushed in, Jay moaned from someplace deep in his chest and pressed his hips back, greedy. 

“Have you been lonely down here?” Mike asked, trying not to think about how lonely he’d been without Jay, all week long. “Hmm?”

“Mike,” Jay said, nodding. “Yuh, yeah--”

“I know. You think I don’t know? Oh, Jay. I’ve been so deep inside you, know every fucking inch of you. I can feel it when you need me. I know how much it hurts.”

Jay made a sobbing sound that gave Mike pause, but he was nodding, too, his wet mouth smearing drool against the wall.

“Please fuck me,” Jay said, clamping his ass up tight around Mike’s fingers. “Mike, please.”

Mike dragged his fingers out, bit Jay’s ear again and groped for a condom in his hoodie pocket, pulled one from the strip. He thought of not using it, knew Jay wouldn’t care about riding home with a puddle of Mike’s come in his boxers when he was in this state, but putting this barrier between them was almost like a punishment for Jay, for making Mike wait--

_Jay is establishing some needed boundaries._

Mike sneered and pushed the thought away. Jay had also asked to be fucked as soon as possible after being praised for establishing those boundaries, so. Mike rolled the condom onto his dick and held Jay’s ass cheeks apart, smearing extra lube down along his crack and pushing it into him with two fingers. Jay whined and rolled his hips back, clawing at the wall with both hands.

"Beg," Mike whispered, his mouth against the back of Jay's ear, fingers still working into him shallowly, teasing. "Tell me you'll do anything."

"Anything," Jay said, sobbing the word out, nodding. "Oh, please--"

“Like what, Jay? Look how good I am to you, bringing you somewhere semi-private while you’re like this, needing it so bad-- You’d have let me do this in a nasty alleyway behind that office building, downtown, where anybody could see you taking my cock, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah,” Jay said, whining and flexing in Mike’s grip, back arching. “Mike, just--”

“Fuck, you’d have let me have you in that elevator, even. You’re so desperate, so good for me--” 

Mike finally couldn’t wait any longer himself. He pulled Jay’s ass cheeks apart and lined himself up, huffing with contentment at the broken groan of relief this wrenched from Jay, just for the feeling of Mike’s cockhead sliding against his hole. It felt weird, at least for Mike, to push into him with a condom on, too much like previous bathroom fucks with sketchy people who’d made Mike want to double-bag his dick, but then his mouth was on Jay’s neck as he slid in deep, not stopping until he was fully buried, and the smell of Jay’s skin seemed to shift, intensifying because Mike was inside him and wrapped all around him, like Mike’s closeness was waking up some primal, pheromone-level thing in Jay, transforming him. 

“Nnghh,” Jay said, his shaking arms sliding downward on the wall, palms leaving a faint sweat-print as they went. His face was still pressed there, eyes closed, and he tucked his arms in against his chest when Mike angled his hips away from the wall, arching his back further.

“Fuck,” Mike said, panting, so ready to fuck him but taking a minute to stare. “Jay, ha. You look like such a slut, like this, jesus.” 

He’d meant it as a compliment. Jay’s ass clenched up tight around Mike’s dick, and he gasped for Mike’s first sharp thrust, moaned for his second. Mike put his hand over Jay’s mouth, and Jay shook his head. 

“You okay?” Mike asked, pausing and taking his hand away.

“Take it off,” Jay said, bucking back against him. 

“Shit, sorry, did I--”

“The condom,” Jay said, half turning to show Mike his bright red cheek. “I want-- Mike, want you, don’t care about after, just, give me--”

“Mhm, okay, you’re right.” 

Mike pecked Jay on the cheek, relieved. For a second he thought he’d fucked up, freaked him out. But there was no freaking Jay out. He only ever wanted more and more, harder, closer, crazier. Mike kissed his face again after peeling the condom off and pitching it into the little metal trashcan beside the toilet. He ran his hand over his dick just once to smear some leftover slick there before pushing in again, bare. 

They both moaned for how good it felt: better, hotter, more wet and dirty. Jay clenched up around Mike’s cock in crazed little pulses that felt possessive, like he was reclaiming what belonged to him. Mike pulled back with a grunt and fucked back into him with answering energy, so Jay would feel how deeply he belonged to Mike, too. When Jay grabbed Mike’s hand and brought it up to cover his mouth, Mike grinned and fucked him harder, faster, holding his palm tight over Jay’s lips while he drooled and moaned for it. 

“God, I love your cock,” Mike said, wrapping his hand around Jay’s prick when he’d paused his thrusting to keep from coming, not ready for this to be over yet. “Whole fat little thing fits _perfect_ in my hand, you feel that?”

Jay whined softly and bucked his hips, definitely felt that. He was wet at the tip and so hard, just from sucking some dick and getting fucked, and Mike just-- Loved him. Wondered if he should say so. His only hesitation was that if he got into the habit he’d probably start saying it all the time, too much, as often as he thought it. Which was pretty fucking often.

“You want to come?” Mike asked, murmuring this question into Jay’s ear while rubbing his shaft with his thumb, too soft to set him off. “Hmm? Want to splatter your dirty come all over the wall of this wholesome steakhouse establishment?”

“Mike,” Jay said, soft, begging: don’t ask me, just tell me. 

“I think I want to see you spurting on the wall, yeah,” Mike said, giving him a firmer stroke. 

Mike had to dig his tooth hard into his bottom lip to fight off another wave of feeling too close, too good when Jay’s ass contracted in a long, slow squeeze with every pump of Mike’s fist, his mouth open and panting against the wall. 

“You’re so responsive,” Mike said, in the same tone he’d used when he told Jay he looked like a slut. “Fuck, yeah, Jay. Squeeze me, mph. Trying to milk that come out, aren’t ya?”

Mike had missed this so much. He felt like he had a glut of verbal filth built up inside him, needing release, same as his dick. 

“Mike,” Jay said, his shoulders going tense, hands coming up to press against the wall over his head again. “I-- I’ll-- Oh, _nnh_ , please--”

“Come for me, it’s okay,” Mike said, whispering. He licked Jay behind his ear, circling the tip of his tongue over a particularly sensitive spot and tightening his grip on Jay’s cock, though not speeding his slow pumping. “Mhm, fuck, I can feel how close you are, Jay. So close it hurts, shaking for me, god, fuck, you need it, let it out--” 

Jay moaned loud enough to break through Mike’s reverie and make him briefly worry that someone would hear from out in the goddamn restaurant and send the cops in to arrest them, but then Jay was spasming around his cock, splattering the wall with his release as Mike jerked it out for him, and Mike was back to not caring about anything because he was coming hard, too.

The restroom door opened as Mike was winding down from his orgasm, and his heart rate spiked painfully, but within a few seconds it was apparent that the guy who had come in was just taking a leak at the urinals. Mike exhaled as quietly as he could, still inside Jay, who was flopped against the wall, boneless, like he’d forgotten where they were entirely. Mike wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. 

“Stay quiet for me,” he said, whispering this into Jay’s ear. The jazzy music that played out in the restaurant was playing overhead in the restroom, too, and it concealed Mike’s whisper well enough but wouldn’t do shit if Jay forgot himself and moaned for the feeling of Mike sliding out of him. 

Just in case, Mike stayed perfectly still, aching to be free from the now overwhelming tightness and heat of Jay’s body but waiting for the guy outside to wash his hands and leave. When he heard the guy’s departing footsteps and the restroom door whined shut again, he exhaled and eased himself out of Jay, shushing the tiny noise of complaint that Jay made when they disconnected completely and Mike’s come started sliming downward toward Jay’s jeans and underwear as Mike pulled them up for him.

“You asked for it, you got it,” Mike said, laughing under his breath and kissing Jay behind his ear a few times before turning him around so his shoulders and back were still pressed to the wall, keeping his hips and ass angled off it so he wouldn’t get come all over the seat of his pants. Mike had his hands at Jay’s waist and was basically holding him up, with some help from the wall. Jay looked dazed and sleepy, also content. He grinned when Mike leaned in to give him prim little kisses on the side of his nose. 

“Fuck,” Jay said, blinking rapidly, until some of the fog seemed to have cleared. “Mike-- Ah. Thank you, just. Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome, for that completely selfless act I did just for you.”

Jay laughed a little and for some reason blushed more deeply. Mike kissed him on the lips, keeping it short because they needed to get the hell out of there, were acting fairly insane. Mike tucked himself into his pants, used a wad of toilet paper to clean Jay’s come off the wall as best he could, then had Jay leave the stall first. Mike followed him out after a few seconds, joined him at the sink to wash his hands, and winked at him in the mirror when their eyes met. 

“Till next time,” Mike said, as if they were two downtown office-worker dudes who’d just had an anonymous happy hour quickie in the restroom. 

He wasn’t sure if Jay got the joke or not, but it didn’t really matter. Jay was perhaps a little out of it but not so much that he couldn’t walk to the car, climb into the passenger seat, and fasten his seatbelt before drifting off to sleep during the drive home, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. He only squirmed a little in his seat, and thinking about why made Mike’s cock throb. He would be ready for round two when they got home, if home was where they were going.

He wasn’t sure which of their apartments that meant, or if it even mattered. Home was where they were when they were together. The fucking repair shop felt like home, even.

Mike drove to his place, wanting to see how Jay would take being there again after the last time, when Jay was shouting and Mike was on his knees. Mike felt the place needed to be cleansed by Jay’s presence, the bad spirits of that night chased away. He parked in his usual space in the building’s lot and reached over to nudge Jay awake. 

“Hey,” Mike said when Jay sucked in his breath and sat up. “We’re, um-- You want to come up and have some dinner with me? Or I could drive you to your place, I just thought--”

“Yeah, dinner’s good,” Jay said, still a little groggy. He took his seatbelt off and yawned, rubbing at his eyes. 

“Hang on,” Mike said when Jay reached for the passenger side door handle. 

Jay turned to Mike, looking calm and sleepy, sweet. Mike wasn’t sure this was the right time or place for the question he had to ask, particularly considering Jay was sitting in puddle of cold come over there, but Mike felt like he had a better chance of getting a real answer while Jay was still recently awake and relatively unguarded. Trusting. 

“What’s wrong?” Jay asked. 

“Nothing. Just wondering if you always do this, uh. The dropping into a deep sleep straight after having an orgasm thing, or-- Is it only when you’re with another person, or only with me, um--?”

“Oh.” Jay looked down at his knees, smoothing his hands over them. He sighed, shrugged. “No, I-- With other people, I usually leave, after. Right after, and. With you, I don’t want to leave, so. Going to sleep is like leaving but still being with you.” 

“Okay,” Mike said, trying to parse that. “Why, though-- Why do you leave, uh, or want to, with them-- And with me?” 

Jay touched the door handle again, sucked on his bottom lip and turned to meet Mike’s eyes. 

“Because after I come I’m fucking embarrassed,” he said, a little sharply but with no real anger. His eyes were soft. 

“Embarrassed?” 

“By the way I acted, and-- Mike, are you really gonna make me talk about my feelings right now, again? After I went to that-- Rich person, with you? That’s too sadistic even for you, isn’t it?”

“I, ha, yeah, I guess. Just wondering, is all.” Mike leaned over to kiss Jay’s temple, wanting to give him a whole weepy monologue about why he shouldn’t be embarrassed at all about how he got during sex, because it was the greatest thing ever and Mike loved it so much, but Jay probably knew that on a rational level, and the emotional drain of the day had been more than enough already, it was true. “C’mon, let’s go get you cleaned up,” Mike said instead.

In the shower together, they both got hard again and made out for a long time under the hot water, laughing into each other’s mouths with a kind of stupid glee and rubbing against each other until they were both too turned on to pretend they didn’t need to get off again.

“I’d drop down and suck you off,” Mike said, dragging his fingers through Jay’s wet hair. “But I’m trying to stay off the knee.” 

“You could do it in bed,” Jay said, sweet and helpful, and Mike laughed. “I mean, the bed’s right over there,” Jay said, grinning and pointing in that direction. 

They drifted off together in Mike’s bed after blowing each other in the comfort of the bed, shivering together under the blankets when the heat of the shower and their orgasms had faded. Mike held Jay tighter, and finally gave up and got sweaters for both of them. 

“Do you want underwear?” Mike asked, because Jay had left a few pairs in Mike’s laundry hamper, and Mike had since cleaned them for him, with sadness and ceremony. “Or do you want to just be, uh. Bare-assed for the rest of the evening?”

“You pick,” Jay said, sitting in Mike’s bed, in one of Mike’s sweaters, which was enormous on him. His legs were still under the blankets. He was so fucking cute that it was hard for Mike to remember what they’d been talking about for a second. 

“Bare-assed it is,” Mike said, and he went to order them something for dinner.

The smell of steak at that restaurant had him craving one, but not enough to send him out to the store. He compromised by ordering beef with broccoli from the half-decent Chinese place that delivered to his building, plus some steamed dumplings and chicken in a distinctive sauce for Jay. When the food arrived they transferred the blankets from the bed to Mike’s living room couch and sat there together in front of a movie, blankets covering their bare legs and bare ass, in Jay’s case. The movie was one of the five Jay had watched alone that weekend. He wanted Mike to see it, and didn’t mind rewatching. Jay was a big rewatcher, had seen some movies possibly a hundred times. 

“I don’t need ‘em,” Jay said when they were settled in with their food and beers and Mike tried to pass him a pair of wooden chopsticks. 

“Do you want a fork?” Mike asked. 

“No, I mean-- Uhhh.” Jay shuffled in place and gave Mike a pleading look, cheeks coloring. “Would you, like--”

“Oh!” Mike tossed the chopsticks aside unopened, understanding. “Sure, of course--”

“You don’t have to, just--”

“Jay, I want to,” Mike said.

“--Missed it,” Jay said, mumbling and lowering his gaze. 

“Me too.” Mike leaned over to kiss Jay’s forehead, realizing only in the moment that it was true. He used his chopsticks to find a piece of broccoli in the paper container and lifted it to Jay’s lips.

Jay opened for it, keeping his eyes on Mike’s and looking almost teary with gratitude as he took it into his mouth. 

Were they regressing? Had they even progressed, before today? Mike wasn’t sure. He just knew it felt good and cozy and fine to feed Jay bites of dumplings and chicken while Jay sat there pressed against him and they both kept their eyes on the screen, watching the movie.

Mike didn’t like the movie as much as Jay had. They talked about why for a while after it ended, drank a few more beers, and then Jay wanted to play some album that he’d gotten fixated on talking about while discussing the movie. They moved to Mike’s bed and Jay connected his phone to the chromecast that he’d set up for Mike a few years back, after complaining that Mike was a technological caveman, which was ironic coming from someone who still listened to vinyl records and watched VHS tapes. The chromecast was hooked up to a couple of wireless speakers Mike had in his bedroom, ostensibly for mood music while fucking. He more often used them to listen to music that made him nostalgic for his youth when feeling sorry for himself and lying in bed alone. 

“It’s okay,” Mike said when Jay prodded him for an opinion on the album after they’d listened to a few songs together in the dark, buried under blankets and mumbling about whatever came to mind, sometimes just listening to the music. Jay had sung a few lyrics under his breath at moments, which Mike found perhaps more shocking and endearing than anything else he’d seen Jay do in the past two months. 

“You’re hard to impress,” Jay said, poking his shoulder. “When it comes to music, anyway.”

“And movies,” Mike said.

“Mhmm, debatable.”

“Hey, now. This is true of my opinions on people, too,” Mike said, turning his head to press his face against Jay’s. “Really, when you get down to it, there’s just you. Nobody else has impressed me since I was like, eight. And that was when I would be impressed by someone who could light a fart on fire.”

“Jesus,” Jay said, laughing. “Wait, listen to this one,” he said, squeezing Mike’s bicep when the song changed. “You’ll like this one. Actually, you might hate it. But listen.” 

Mike fell asleep at some point, maybe during that song that he would have either loved or hated if he wasn’t so tired and warm and comfortable, his face still pressed against Jay’s. When he woke up the room was quiet and dark and Jay was curved against him, rolled over so that his back was tucked against Mike’s chest, where it fit with perfection that couldn’t have been an accident, Mike felt. Mike kissed the back of Jay’s head, rubbed Jay’s arm under the blankets, and fell asleep again. 

They both had morning wood when they woke up, but not enough time or energy to do anything about it. Mike slapped the snooze on his alarm five times before they dragged themselves from the heat of the blankets and got dressed. There was no time to stop at Starbucks on the way to work, and Mike still felt half asleep when they took their seats behind the counter at the shop, so fuzzy-headed that he accepted a mug of coffee from the pot that Jay had made for himself when Jay offered, though there was no milk or sugar to add to it. 

“Got plans tonight?” Mike asked, not sure where to go from the routine they’d seemed to fall back into the night before, with marked improvements such as Jay actually being awake for most of it.

“Yeah,” Jay said. “I told Josh I’d go see Fuck Marry Kill with him tonight.”

“Jesus. That’s a band, I take it?”

“No, it’s a live sex show.” 

Jay smirked when Mike turned to boggle at him. 

“Oh my god,” Jay said, snickering. “Your face. Too easy.”

“Not fair,” Mike said, remembering his fear that Jay was just a little too good at this, despite all appearances to the contrary. 

“Sorry. Yes, it’s a band. You’d hate them. What are you gonna do?”

“What-- Tonight?” 

Mike groaned at the question when Jay nodded. Normally if Mike wasn’t with Jay, he was out looking for sex from either his regular hookup rotation or randos at bars. Now that was out, and he wasn’t sure what to replace it with. 

“I guess I’ll track down some company,” Mike said.

“What time do you want me to come over on Saturday?” Jay asked. 

Mike almost asked, for what? Then he remembered their assignment from Rich, for all day role play on Saturday and as much normalcy as possible on Sunday, and he was lifted right out of the shitty mood he’d begun to sink into at the prospect of spending Friday night alone, even more so when Jay’s face started to turn red while Mike stared at him: grinning, plotting. 

“Hmm,” Mike said. 

“I was thinking the morning,” Jay said, fidgeting. “I mean. If you want--”

“Yeah, come over early. Nine o’clock sharp, how’s that?”

“Works for me.” 

“Should we talk about what we want to do?” Mike asked, wishing they could spend all day doing so, or at least the rest of their shift. “Make rules, all that?”

“I--” Jay rubbed his hand over his beard and stared at the countertop, reddening further. “I was just thinking, like. Can you decide? Please? And just tell me the rules when I show up? I’ll-- Anything’s fine, ha. You know, uh. Me.”

“I do know you, Jay. And okay, sure. I have some things in mind. I’ll finalize my plans this evening.”

“Great,” Jay said, peeking at him, swallowing. “Thanks.”

“You’re so welcome. We can talk rules when you show up Saturday morning. In the sense that I’ll tell you exactly what they are,” he added when Jay opened his mouth as if to protest, eyebrows pulling together.

Hearing that he wouldn’t have to contribute to the rule-making calmed Jay instantly. He smiled, his tense shoulders lowering a little.

“Sounds good,” he said. “Yeah. Okay.” 

They kissed goodnight at the end of their shift, and it wasn’t like their slow, tender kisses upon previous partings. This one was a little unhinged and hungry, and Jay’s pupils had fattened up considerably when he finally wrenched himself free, because Josh was waiting outside in his car. 

“See you soon,” Jay said, backing away. 

“Indeed,” Mike said, with menace.

Jay laughed a little at that, but also almost tripped over his own feet on the way out the door, so. 

Mike rushed to the computer when he was gone, and cursed himself when he saw it was too late to order the supplies he wanted in time to have them in the morning, even if he paid out the ass for overnight shipping. He was about to give up when he had another idea, and he did a search that made him prematurely embarrassed, telling himself he had to be brave for Jay’s sake.

Which was how he ended up alone at a seedy Milwaukee sex shop on a Friday night, amid a crowd of silent weirdos he was deeply humiliated to be among. It would be worth it, he thought, when he found what he was shopping for. He brought it to the counter, paid and got the hell out of there, trying to forget the weird smell.

At home, he showered immediately and had a leisurely jerkoff, plotting. This was going to be so good. They’d done almost day-long scenes before, but something about this already felt different, destined to be much better. Maybe it was the accessories Mike had just purchased, or the fact that they’d talked about doing this even vaguely in advance, or that they’d both confessed they were in love with each other. Maybe that changed something on a sex-level, too. 

Whatever it was, Mike could barely sleep from the sweet anticipation, and when he got a text from Jay at one in the morning, which was just a picture of Jay all sweaty with messed up post-concert hair, sticking his tongue out, drunk, Mike kissed the screen (because he was also drunk), rolled over in bed and finally fell into a thin sleep, feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve, acutely aware of all the presents waiting for him in the morning.

*


	11. Chapter 11

Jay knocked on Mike’s door at precisely nine o’clock the following morning. Mike had the feeling he’d been waiting outside in the hallway for at least a few minutes, staring down at his phone with feverish attention, waiting until the hour clicked over to exactly the time Mike had told him to show.

“C’mon in,” Mike said when Jay just stared up at him like he already wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak. Mike could feel it when Jay ducked his head and walked inside, how much he needed to give up control and find out what Mike wanted him to do. It had been too long since they both really sank into it. “I hope you got some rest last night,” Mike said, reaching out to stroke his thumb over Jay’s cheek when they were standing in the foyer. 

“I did,” Jay said when he sensed that Mike was waiting for a reply.

“Mhm, really? You were sending me pictures of you partying at one in the morning.”

“We were on our way home, I just-- I was drunk. I wanted, um.”

Jay stopped himself. Mike raised his eyebrows and let his hand fall away from Jay’s cheek. 

“You wanted what,” Mike asked. 

“You,” Jay said, flushing. 

“Aw, well. You were good and went home and got some rest instead of showing up drunk at my door.” Mike would have loved that, but never mind. They were playing the game now, had scheduled it like a fucking tennis match. “You do look well-rested,” Mike said, petting Jay’s cheek again. 

The corner of Jay’s mouth tugged up, and he wavered on his feet a little, like he wanted to fall against Mike and cling already. He turned his face into Mike’s touch and closed his eyes.

“So,” Mike said, stepping away. “Take off all your clothes and leave them in the foyer-- You see that square you’re standing on, those tiles? That’s the only place in this apartment where you’re allowed to wear clothes until we’re done.” 

“Okay,” Jay said, already shrugging his jacket off. 

Mike stood back and watched Jay strip for him, his dick filling out in his pants as Jay exposed more and more skin, flushing down to his chest under Mike’s appraising stare. Mike had the accessories he’d purchased laid out on the kitchen table, but Jay couldn’t see it from where they were standing. 

“Good,” Mike said when Jay stood there naked, also getting hard just for this part, the build-up and the ache of the distance Mike had put between them. “What would you say if I told you I wanted to have your chest waxed and your nipples pierced?” Mike asked. 

“Yes to the first one, hell no to the second,” Jay answered easily. 

They grinned at each other. Mike had to force his face into a serious expression again, and Jay did the same, mirroring him. 

“We’ll revisit that later,” Mike said. “Are you ready to hear your rules?”

“Yes,” Jay breathed out, nodding. “Please.”

“Rule one,” Mike said, with flourish, “Is that you cannot speak once you step off those tiles, unless I specifically ask you to answer me in words or if you’re telling me you want to stop playing entirely.” 

Jay frowned slightly, as if it was insulting to suggest that he might not be up for everything Mike handed to him. Mike wasn’t even planning on being hard on him or doing anything unusually dark. He just felt like it was worth saying, that Jay could stop or pause this whenever he wanted to. 

“Otherwise you can nod or shake your head to answer my questions,” Mike said. “And if you speak without permission, you’re going to be punished. Got it?”

“Yes, sir,” Jay said, and he flinched as if he’d caught himself breaking the rule already.

“It’s all right,” Mike said, pointing to Jay’s feet. “You’re still on the tiles. Okay, next rule. You can only come when I give you permission. If you come without permission, you’ll be punished.”

Jay nodded and licked his lips. He was almost fully hard already. So was Mike, his cock pressing against the crotch of his jeans. 

“Rule three. Unless I say otherwise, you will be at my side from the time you step off those tiles until midnight. I’ll tell you where to sit and how to arrange yourself. If you need to take a leak, you can rub your face on my knee to ask permission and I’ll lead you there.”

Mike bit down on his grin, ready now to give Jay his real surprises.

“If you understand and accept all the rules, come here onto the carpet and kneel at my feet.” 

Jay hurried forward, walking a little awkwardly with his hardon and keeping his eyes lowered, as if Mike had told him not to make eye contact without permission either. Mike could have clarified that it was allowed, but soon it wouldn’t matter. 

“Close your eyes,” Mike said, stroking Jay’s hair when he was on his knees, legs spread slightly as if to allow for the weight of his erection. “Good,” Mike said when Jay’s eyes were closed. “Take a deep breath. Now let it out. One more. Let it out now, good.” 

Jay’s shoulders relaxed a little, but he was still tense, his hands clawed around his thighs and his lashes fluttering a bit against his cheeks. The accessories would help, Mike thought.

“Stay still while I go get your presents,” Mike said, and he dragged his fingers through Jay’s hair once more before heading for the kitchen table. “And keep those eyes closed!” he added, though he was pretty sure Jay was already so into this that he wouldn’t dare open them without Mike telling him to.

Mike grabbed the stuff from the kitchen table and returned to Jay. He put everything down on the floor and spent a few minutes just running his fingertips over Jay’s skin. Jay had goosebumps all over and was shivering a little, though Mike had cranked the heat in his place as soon as he got up that morning, wanting it to be warm enough for Jay to be naked there all day. Jay’s nipples were as hard as his dick, and he gasped when Mike touched one just softly. He stayed quiet when Mike shifted his hand over to rub the other one, and only allowed himself to react with a slight upward tilt of his eyebrows this time.

“Here’s your first present,” Mike said sweetly, picking up the plush black blindfold from the floor. He slid it over Jay’s head and saw Jay’s breath catch as he tried to figure out what was happening. As soon as the blindfold was in place over Jay’s eyes, his shoulders relaxed. “That’ll help you be good for me,” Mike said, tickling his fingertips over the rim of Jay’s ear. “Do you like it?”

Jay nodded, hands twitching at his sides. 

“You can say thank you, if you want.”

“Thank you, sir,” Jay said, his voice small and uncertain. 

“You’re welcome. But, wait! There’s more. Hold out your hands for me.”

Jay lifted his arms and turned his palms upward, offering his hands. Mike snapped a studded black cuff around Jay’s right wrist, then put the other cuff on his left. 

“The box says they’re real leather,” Mike said, because that seemed like the kind of thing Jay would care about. “And they’ve got these locking clasps, see, feel one,” Mike brought Jay’s left hand over to rub against the clasp on the side of the right cuff. “So I can bind your hands together if I want to. Right now I’m gonna leave them free, though. I just want you to feel the cuffs there and know what that means. It means you can’t even touch anything without my permission, Jay. Nod if you understand.”

Jay nodded eagerly, swallowing. 

“That includes yourself, obviously, and me. Okay, one more present.”

Mike picked up the length of black ribbon that he’d gone to Wal-Mart for at the crack of dawn that morning, along with some more basic supplies like food and beer. He stood behind Jay and pressed the silky material of the ribbon against his throat, tugged it tight for half a second and watched him swallow against it, then tied it into a bow at the back of Jay’s neck, just loose enough to let it slide down to the base of his throat. 

“This is a training collar,” Mike said, scratching softly at Jay’s neck, just over the ribbon.

Jay made a mostly-swallowed sound at the back of his throat and shivered. 

“You’re gonna have to earn your real one,” Mike said, still stroking him. “But you can wear this one while I’m training you, until you’re good enough for the real thing. How does that sound? You can speak when you answer.”

“Good,” Jay said, like the word had been punched out of him, nodding crazily. “So-- Good, Mike, thuh, thank you--”

“Shh, that’s enough. I’m gonna help you stand now, here you go.” 

Mike helped Jay to his feet and lead him over to the sofa. 

“Sometimes I’ll tell you how to position yourself,” Mike said, guiding him down to a seat. “And sometimes I’ll just show you, with my hands, like this. Now sit there while I get my breakfast ready. Would you like something to eat?”

Jay opened his mouth, then remembered himself and clamped his lips shut tight, nodding.

“Okay, good. Sit tight, I’ll be right back.”

Mike left him on the sofa and went into the kitchen, whistling so that Jay would hear he was still nearby and hopefully be reassured. Mike wanted him a little unsettled, too, admittedly, but at the outset Jay would probably need some calming energy. They’d already done stuff way more hardcore than blindfolds and orders to stay quiet, to obey, but this felt different, because it was more structured and because Mike really did plan to keep it up till midnight, which would be disorienting for Jay in a way that Mike hoped he would like. When Mike pulled the blindfold off, the apartment would be dark, and Jay would have spent the whole day without use of his eyes, fully at Mike’s mercy. 

In the kitchen, Mike pulled out his phone while the coffee was brewing and looked at Jay’s picture from last night. It tugged at his heart, how sweet and vulnerable Jay looked with his twinkling drink-heavy eyes and his tongue sticking out, cheeks flushed. Mike missed Jay’s eyes already, but it would be worth it to wait to see them again. It was gonna hit Mike like a freight train when they woke up together on Sunday morning and Jay blinked his eyes open to start a wholly different kind of day with him. 

“Made some coffee just for you,” Mike said when it was finished, bringing a mug into the living room along with a plate of toast and cut-up fruit. He’d mostly picked out healthy stuff to suit Jay’s tastes when he shopped that morning, was feeling generous and protective. 

Jay was obediently still on the sofa, straight-backed, his hands resting against the sofa cushions. Mike couldn’t punish him for letting them settle against whatever surface Mike arranged him on, since he’d instructed him not to touch himself. He leaned down to give Jay’s temple a kiss. Jay startled a little at the sudden touch but smiled. 

“Here,” Mike said, bringing the steaming coffee mug up so that the rim just touched Jay’s bottom lip. “I just took a sip, it’s not too hot.”

He tilted the mug to give Jay a sip before sitting down beside him. Jay’s dick was rock hard for all of this, shiny at the tip with the first bead of pre-come of the day. Mike pet Jay’s thigh and moaned a little under his breath for how good Jay looked like this, naked and cuffed, collared, blindfolded, waiting to hear Mike’s voice again. Mike was so hard, too, but he wanted to take this slow, to lead Jay into the shallow end of it before swimming out into deeper, darker waters with him. 

“I got some weekend reading materials,” Mike said, grabbing the stack of magazines he’d left on the coffee table for this purpose. “I’ll read out loud, so you can follow along.”

Jay made a tiny noise and the back of his throat, eyebrows lifting. He nodded. 

Mike grinned. He’d noticed that Jay was into just listening to his voice, especially when he was as hard as he was now. 

When the coffee was gone, Mike fed Jay bites of toast and fruit, occasionally leaning in to lick a crumb or some fruit juice from his lips. Jay was pink-cheeked and breathing in a slow, deliberate way, as if telling himself to dial back his excitement a little. A few beads of precome had leaked down his shaft, and his cock showed no signs of softening. 

Mike wanted to read from the magazines in part to get his own dick to deflate for now, if that was possible while he felt like this: completely in control, like nobody on the planet could take care of Jay this well or even deserved to see him like this, and confident in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time, if ever. 

“Stretch out on your belly,” Mike said, helping Jay to do so when the food was gone. “There you go, put your cheek here.” Mike guided Jay’s head down to his thigh, stroked his hair and then his back. “Good boy. You’re doing so well. Now just rest there while I read to you. I know your cock is hard, but it’s going to be hours before you can come, Jay, so just lie still, don’t rub yourself on the sofa and make it even harder. Stay as still as you can, unless you need to nudge my knee with your nose like I told you.”

The first magazine Mike had picked up from Wal-Mart’s disturbingly large selection was _Variety_. He’d also gotten a _Vanity Fair_ and a magazine about healthy cooking. He’d considered getting something really dry they were both disinterested in and also a _Sports Illustrated_ that would have offseason football shit that only Mike cared about, but ultimately he’d decided he didn’t need to make this part a punishment for Jay on any level. Jay was doing so well, after all, his muscles starting to really relax while Mike read him an article about box office trends from _Variety_. Mike pet Jay absently while reading, mostly focusing on his shoulders and his hair, occasionally reaching down to palm his sweet little ass. Jay sighed happily every time Mike touched him there, and Mike started to wonder if he was still hard. 

“Roll over for me,” Mike said when he was done with the first magazine. “On your back, there you go-- Ah, Jay.”

The sight of Jay’s stiff prick standing up bright red against his belly was fucking heartwarming. He’d stayed hard just for the sound of Mike’s voice and his approving little touches. 

Jay swallowed heavily. His cheeks were bright red, too, and he didn’t seem to know what to do with his legs, if he should stretch them out straight or bend at the knees and let them fall open at a shameless angle. Mike let him fidget uncertainly for a few breaths, then reached over to arrange him in the second position, so that his left leg was bent and propped against the back cushions on the sofa, while his right knee hung over the edge of the cushions he was lying on, his head still resting on Mike’s thigh.

“Good boy,” Mike said, soft and low, trailing his fingers down over Jay’s chest. “Fuck, you look good.”

Jay shuddered happily for the praise and chewed his lip like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to smile when Mike gave him what he wanted. Mike had gone soft in his pants while reading, but he was filling out again now, staring at Jay’s dick and creamy, spread open thighs.

“On to the next one,” Mike said, reaching for the cooking magazine and telling himself to keep to the plan, for Jay, to not be weak and just fuck his ass right then and there. Not that Jay wouldn’t love that, but. Mike wanted to keep him waiting for a while. He reached over to touch Jay’s cock, dragging a single fingertip from the base to the tip and watching the way this made Jay flex his shoulders and gasp, his hands gripping at the sofa cushions feebly. Mike did it again, again, and let up when Jay arched his back and bit his bottom lip so hard that Mike was afraid he was going to tear it open and bleed. “Stay still,” Mike reminded him, reaching down to pinch one nipple hard in warning. “I’ve got lots more reading to do, so just relax and listen.”

Jay nodded and obeyed as much as possible, his cock leaking out fresh drops of pre-come. His left thigh twitched a few times before he exhaled in a long, choppy breath and went fully still again. 

Mike had always liked it when Jay really listened to him talk, when he wasn’t just waiting for his turn to butt in, and reading from the articles in the magazine made him feel like an authority on a whole other level, like he was teaching Jay something. Anytime Jay’s erection started to flag or it seemed like he was close to drifting into a peaceful sleep behind that blindfold, Mike would toy with him, giving his cock a single, teasing brush with one finger or tugging on his nipples until he gasped. Jay stayed hard, and mostly still, as Mike made his way through every article in the cooking magazine, tempted to read the recipes out step by step, too. 

By the time they’d finished _Vanity Fair_ , Jay was twitching all over in involuntary tremors every time Mike touched him anywhere, even when Mike just stroked him at the center of his chest or scratched softly at his scalp. They’d read all the way into the afternoon and Mike was hungry again, debating whether or not to let Jay come before they had lunch. 

“That’s enough reading for now,” Mike said, putting the magazine aside. “You’re being so good for me, mhm, look at you. Fucking pretty like this.” 

Mike gave Jay a firmer touch than any he’d gotten for the last hour or so, dragging his palm all over Jay’s chest and then down to his thighs, squeezing. Jay gasped and shook, mouth open and panting as soon as Mike’s hand was near his dick, which was purple-red and soaking wet across the slit, visibly aching. 

“I’m hard just looking at you, Jay,” Mike said, reaching for Jay’s wrist. He brought Jay’s hand down between his legs so he could feel this, turning him onto his side in the process. 

Jay made a noise that was almost a word when Mike rubbed his shaky palm against the bulge in his jeans. 

“Mhm, feel that?” Mike asked, letting his head fall back against the sofa cushions and pressing Jay’s hand down harder against his dick. “Fuck, I’m so hard.” He knew the words would strike Jay especially deep, considering he was in the same state. “Jay, since you’ve been so good, I’m gonna let you get on your knees and suck me off. If you do a good job, I’ll consider letting you come. Okay?”

Jay nodded, rubbing his cheek against Mike’s thigh and pushing his feet into the sofa cushions as if he wanted to kick something for how badly he needed to come, or wanted to suck Mike’s cock, or just because he was feeling too much of everything all at once, possibly. 

Mike helped Jay down onto his knees, on the floor between Mike’s legs. He took himself out with a groan and guided his cock to Jay’s waiting, parted lips, teasing him with it for as long as he could stand to, which wasn’t very, just long enough to rub some of his pre-come onto Jay’s lips. 

“Lick that off,” Mike said, gentle, cupping Jay’s head with his other hand. “Good boy. You’ve waited long enough, open wide for me.” 

Jay’s mouth was soaking wet and so hot, and only when his cock was resting on Jay’s eager, flicking tongue did Mike realize how close he was already. He’d edged himself right along with Jay, and he made a mental note to take jerk off breaks next time they did this, without telling Jay so, to ensure that the blow job he got after waiting for hours would last longer than a minute or two. 

“That’s it, Jay,” Mike said, guiding Jay’s head with both hands, making him move slowly in an attempt to prolong this, though he also really needed to come. “Just like that, so good. Fuck, yeah. Your mouth-- Nnh. Fucking perfect little cocksucker’s mouth, knew it the day we fucking met, god, _yeah_ , take me deep, like that, fuck, _Jay_ \--”

Mike came with a long, broken moan, holding Jay down while he swallowed it. He eased Jay off when he’d taken every drop down his throat, and was tempted to pull the blindfold off so he could see the sweet, dopey look Jay always had in his eyes after swallowing Mike’s load, like he was grateful for the opportunity and ready for more. Mike resisted the impulse, instead enjoying how Jay licked his puffy lips like he was savoring the flavor. 

“That was perfect, Jay,” Mike said, and he grinned when Jay smiled up at him, giddy for the praise and too turned on to be checking his reactions anymore. “Mhm, yeah, gonna take care of my little Jay now. Come up here in my lap.”

Mike guided Jay into position so that he was straddling Mike’s thighs, legs spread wide around them and back perfectly straight, his chest pushed out slightly because his arms were hanging at his sides and behind his back a bit, so that his hands weren’t touching any part of himself, Mike, or the sofa. 

“Perfect.” Mike stroked Jay’s chest before bringing his hands up to cup Jay’s face. “Gimme a kiss,” he said, muttering this hotly while he brought Jay’s face down to his. 

Jay moaned into the kiss, wanton and starting to really lose it, shaking hard when Mike held him in place with a firm grip while kissing him, his hands sliding down to Jay’s biceps. When Mike pushed his tongue into Jay’s mouth, Jay’s hips stuttered forward a few times. He whimpered and stilled when he caught himself doing it, was wincing when Mike pulled back.

He was afraid he’d be punished just for tilting his hips a little, that he wouldn’t get to come. Mike stroked Jay’s arms and stared up at his sightless face, considering. Ultimately he wanted to see Jay break too much to make him wait any longer for that jagged, consuming release. 

“Oh, Jay,” Mike said, as if he was overcome, because he was, hot all down the front of his chest with some kind of lovesickness that was burning up inside him. He put one hand at the small of Jay’s back and brought the other to Jay’s straining, sticky prick.

“Ah!” Jay said, hissing through his teeth and throwing his head back, pressing his stiff nipples out toward Mike’s mouth.

Mike couldn’t resist: he leaned forward to bite down on one, hard, while pumping Jay’s cock.

“Mike!” Jay said, and then he sobbed because he’d broken a rule. 

“Quiet,” Mike said, harshly enough to make Jay shudder. “You need to come, don’t you?”

Jay nodded wildly, sobbed again.

“Mhm, I know. Come for me, Jay. We’ll talk about your punishment after.” 

Jay made a wordless sound and thrust into Mike’s pumping hand. It took three sharp tugs to bring Jay off, maybe because the word _punishment_ was still ringing in his ears. When he came he curled forward, moaning and shaking all over while Mike kept his hand moving, even after Jay was emptied out and whimpering, chewing his lips to hold in whatever protests his body wanted to make at the overstimulation. 

“Here, Jay,” Mike said, bringing his thumb up to Jay’s lips. “Clean my hand, then you can rest for a minute. You’re going to be punished for speaking without permission, but I’m hungry. We can wait till after I’ve had my lunch.”

Jay lapped at Mike’s hand with crazed enthusiasm, still breathing in shaky pants. When Jay had finished cleaning his hand, Mike tugged off his sweater, which was splattered with the rest of Jay’s uncharacteristically sizable load, and tossed it aside. He still had a t-shirt on, and he let Jay rest against his chest for a moment to catch his breath, his cheek pressed over Mike’s heartbeat and his back still a little shivery while Mike stroked him. 

“It’s okay to make a mistake,” Mike said, which was a lesson he really wished Jay could actually learn, outside of this game. “It’s not ideal, but that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m training you. The punishments are part of it. They’ll help, you’ll see. You can answer me out loud, if you have anything to say.”

“Yes’sir,” Jay said, his voice thick and slurry. Jay had his arms curled against his own chest, his knees folded together and resting on Mike’s side. He relaxed a little, then a little more, sinking deeper and deeper into the feeling of being held. Mike had both arms around him and didn’t want to let him go long enough to get their lunch, despite his growling stomach. 

Eventually Mike’s hunger won out and he helped Jay stand on his jelly legs, then lead him by the hand into the kitchen. Mike had set Jay’s usual cushion down beside the chair where Mike ate at the table, and he brought Jay to it, helping him kneel and patting his head after he had.

“Gonna eat my lunch now,” Mike said, from the fridge. “Then we’ll do your punishment, and what happens next will depend on how well you take it.”

Mike glanced behind him to note Jay’s reaction. Jay was nodding slowly, arms at his sides, back straight. Mike had kinda meant to imply that Jay would either get to eat lunch or not depending on his behavior, which was maybe the one truly dark thing Mike had planned for the day. He thought Jay would like it. The half-chub Jay had when Mike returned to the table with his lunch may have indicated that, or just that this was Jay’s default situation when on his knees and naked for Mike. 

“Here,” Mike said, guiding Jay’s face over so he’d rest his cheek on Mike’s leg. “There you go, you can sink down onto your heels. Good, just relax.” 

Mike pet Jay’s hair between bites of his lunch. Jay was tense at first but gradually went slack and sweet with his head in Mike’s lap, sighing happily at moments. Mike finished his sandwich and had Jay sit up straight again, helped him drink some water from a glass. 

“Good,” Mike said when Jay had swallowed it. Jay had gone mostly but not entirely soft while waiting for Mike to finish his lunch, and drinking from the glass Mike held for him got him a little stiff again, which was fucking adorable. Mike stroked his face a few times and put the water aside, turning his chair away from the table to make room for what he had in mind. “Up here now,” Mike said, tugging Jay up onto his feet. “Over my lap, face down.” 

Jay’s punishment for saying Mike’s name without permission was being spanked hard on the ass, and if Jay’s erection was any indication it wasn’t really a punishment at all, but Mike wasn’t really mad about Jay breaking a rule just because he couldn’t not say Mike’s name when he was about to come, so if Jay enjoyed this that was more than okay by Mike. Jay made soft noises, his hands in fists against the kitchen floor while Mike brought his hand down against his ass again and again, until Jay was bright red all over and struggling to keep still, his thighs twitching crazily after every hard slap. Mike was fascinated, watching this, and he lost track of how many blows he’d delivered by the time he decided he had to let up on Jay, because he was wibbling softly in a nonstop stream of near-begging little noises by then. 

“Okay,” Mike said, rubbing his palm over Jay’s burning ass cheeks. Even the soft touch made Jay hiss and almost buck over Mike’s lap. “You did very well,” Mike said, still soothing his fingertips over Jay’s hot skin. “All done, ‘cause I can feel that you’re sorry. I’m gonna help you sit up now, here you go.” 

Jay’s jaw was clenched tight when he settled his sore ass onto Mike’s lap. Mike stroked Jay’s flushed chest, thinking about how rough the denim of his jeans must feel against Jay’s oversensitive skin. Mike was a little hard for the thought, and from having watched Jay take his spanking. Jay was so hard it looked like it hurt. 

“I have a little bit of my lunch left here,” Mike said, dragging the plate over with his finger. “You were so good for me, taking your punishment, I think you deserve a few bites. Would you like some?”

Jay sniffled and nodded, rubbing his face against Mike’s when Mike nuzzled at him. 

“Okay, here you go.” Mike gave him a little kiss on the lips, then a bite of bread, some turkey, a piece of pickle. Jay didn’t like pickles, but he didn’t complain, just ate everything Mike gave him as the painful red on his cheeks faded to bright pink. His erection didn’t flag, meanwhile. Poor Jay. Mike wasn’t going to let him come again for a while.

“Have some more of this,” Mike said when the food was gone, bringing the glass of water to Jay’s lips again. Jay gulped from it gladly and licked his lips when he was finished. “Good boy,” Mike said, hugging him. 

Jay smiled, just shyly at first. Then he was beaming. 

“Now, I need you to be good for me while I do something special for you,” Mike said, sliding Jay off his lap and helping him to stand. “You’re going to climb up on the table for me,” Mike said, removing the plate and glass so it would be empty. “And lie on your back with your arms over your head. You should fit just perfectly.”

Jay just stood there looking uncertain, so Mike helped him up onto the table, his cock twitching in his jeans when Jay grimaced at the slide of his sore ass across the wood. He stretched out as instructed, and Mike walked around to lock the cuffs together over Jay’s head, binding his hands before slipping them over the back of one of Mike’s kitchen chairs to help hold them in place. The chair had a knob that served as a kind of post, and Jay looked fucking incredible spread out like that, flat on his back with his hands tied together and his chest wide open for Mike’s surveyance. Mike eased Jay’s legs apart, bending them at the knees so they’d fit on the table, which was circular and just big enough to fit all of him. 

“Fucking beautiful,” Mike said without meaning to, feeling a little stupid after he had. He was flushed and hard in his jeans now, fully. Jay was breathing harshly but otherwise staying still and quiet for him, spread out and waiting. “I’ll be right back,” Mike said, tickling Jay’s left ankle fondly. “Gonna get some supplies.” 

Mike had everything ready in the bathroom but needed to run the water in the sink for a while to get it sufficiently warm, and also took his time just to wind Jay up a little more. When he returned to the kitchen with his shaving bowl full of hot water and the other supplies tucked under his arm, Jay looked like he couldn’t be any more wound up. He was twitching against the table and turning his head back and forth as if seeking Mike’s reassuring presence, his cock leaking onto his belly, so hard and full that it looked like he might go off for the first scrape of Mike’s razor over his skin. 

Which would be fine. Mike was fine with what-fucking-ever. The rules were there for Jay to break and get spanked for just as much as they were for him to obey, as far as Mike was concerned.

“Just gonna help you groom a little,” Mike said sweetly, rubbing a warm washcloth over Jay’s chest, then the shaving cream. Jay’s shoulders jerked slightly with every new sensation, then he’d exhale and relax again. Trusting, Mike thought, staring down at him and feeling an equal measure of predatory satisfaction and protective anguish. 

Jay didn’t come for the first stroke of Mike’s shaving razor down the center of his chest, but he did whimper. He chewed his lips while Mike continued to work slowly across his pecs and then downward, and Mike wondered if he was holding in some kind of protest. Mike had asked him about waxing for a reason, and Jay had said he’d be okay with it, so here they were. Still, Mike thought, grinning down at Jay with evil glee, Jay clearly hadn’t expected this and wasn’t sure of what to make of how much he loved it. There was something humiliating about it, Mike thought, but also an edge of tenderness and caring. Jay was leaking steadily for every slow drag of Mike’s razor across his vulnerable skin, so Mike figured he felt the same, that it was a good combination of the things he loved.

“Almost done,” Mike said when he was shaving the last of the hair off Jay’s trembling belly. “Just gotta move this out of the way,” he said, lifting Jay’s cock with his other hand. 

“Nnhhh,” Jay said, throwing his head back and arching a little while Mike held him, the razor moving through the puddle of precome Jay had dripped into the shaving cream. Jay was throbbing in Mike’s hand, the skin on his prick pulled so tight that Mike moaned under his breath sympathetically, suddenly feeling similarly impossibly full in his pants. 

“I’ll just neaten this a little,” Mike said, releasing Jay’s poor cock and moving the razor lower, scraping away the hairs near the insides of his pale thighs. 

Jay was panting, hands in fists over the back of that chair, knuckles white. Mike had an idea. 

Without saying anything or giving any kind of warning, he turned the razor over so that he was using the flat side, not the blade. Jay wouldn’t know the difference in the state he was in, and Mike was curious-- He ran the flat side of the razor over the seam of Jay’s overfull balls, watching Jay’s face. 

Jay made a strangled sound of high-pitched shock, jerked his wrists so hard that the chair slammed against the table, and started to come, spurting onto himself with a broken cry. 

“Oh-- god!” Jay said, shooting all over his freshly shaved chest and belly, sobbing a little. “Fuck, shit, no-- Suh, sorry, Mike, I’m sorry--!”

“Shh, you’re only making it worse for yourself,” Mike said, elated, also feeling like he might come in his goddamn pants just for watching this. “Talking without permission, too-- Jay. Look at you, all messy now, after I just cleaned you up.” 

Jay sobbed softly and shook his head, lips pressed tight together, still trembling through the aftershocks of the orgasm Mike had punched out of him just by touching the razor to his balls and pretending to shave them. The little puddle of come that Jay had shot onto his belly looked so sweet, Mike would have licked it up for him if he wasn’t reluctant to get the taste of shaving cream on his tongue in the process. 

“You know you’re going to be punished for that,” Mike said, bringing the warm washcloth over again to wipe up Jay’s come, also the lingering residue of his shave. “Nod your head to show me you know this, Jay.”

Jay nodded, making the saddest little noises at the back of his throat, swallowing them down as best he could. Mike wanted to hear them, wanted to lick them up. He leaned over to shush Jay with his lips pressed against Jay’s, gave him a kiss to calm him down. Jay pushed his shaky tongue out to slide against Mike’s when it invaded his mouth, and Mike could fucking taste the _sorry sorry sorry_ that Jay wanted to chant. 

“No delaying the punishment this time,” Mike said, murmuring this into Jay’s ear. “It’s very bad to come without my permission, Jay. I know you didn’t mean to, but you still need to learn to control yourself. Let me help you into position, we’re gonna get you trained up right no matter how long it takes.”

Jay was shivering all over with the need to beg for forgiveness. Mike uncuffed his hands, only to cuff them again when Jay was bent face forward over the table, feet on the floor and arms behind his back now. His ass was still beat red from his spanking, but Mike hadn’t hit him hard enough to bruise. He wasn’t sure that would be the case now, pulling a fat wooden spoon from one of the drawers beside his stove. He shut the drawer hard and grinned when Jay flinched at the sound. 

“I need to punish you now,” Mike said, dragging the spoon over Jay’s aching ass cheeks. Jay gasped and went still, his ass clenching up against the touch. “I need you to answer me and tell me you’re ready to take it. You can speak.” 

“I’m ready,” Jay said, his voice a blubbery mess. Mike would be surprised if there weren’t some tears leaking into that blindfold, maybe even streaking down his cheeks. Jay was turned away from him with his face pressed to the table, Mike standing behind him. “Ready,” Jay said again, nodding, desperate, pushing his hips back against the spoon. “Please, Mike, I need it, you’re right, I’m sorry, please train me, please--”

“Okay, enough. This is gonna hurt, Jay, but it’s for your own good.”

Jay nodded madly, flexing against the table. He was getting hard again. 

“Look at you,” Mike said, just touching the spoon to Jay’s fattening dick. Jay went stock still, then shuddered all the way from his shoulders to his thighs, maybe with relief, because Mike was dragging the spoon back upward, along the crack of his ass. “You still think it’s gonna feel good,” Mike said, with mock pity. He smacked Jay hard on the ass with the wooden spoon, and bit back a groan at the yelping shout this brought out of Jay. “It’s not,” Mike said, demonstrating again. 

Jay still managed to stay hard for the first five or six hard swats against his ass, then started to flag when the pain got too real. Mike paused to give him a minute to tap out if he needed to, though he knew Jay wouldn’t. He rubbed his hand over Jay’s ass, sliding his thumb along the livid red marks the spoon had left on his already tender skin. 

“Just a few more,” Mike said. “Nod if you can take it.”

Jay lifted his head and nodded wildly, his hands clasped together in shaking fists at the small of his back, everything in him, bending toward Mike, begging. 

“Good boy,” Mike said, watching Jay’s cock twitch for those words before striking him with the spoon again.

Jay was sobbing for real after five more, his shoulders bouncing with it and his dick still not fully soft. Mike gave him one final strike against the backs of each of his thighs, then stepped away to take a deep breath and try to get his own shit under control, his vision starting to tunnel for the way Jay was crying pitifully for him and still staying surrendered, taking everything so well. Mike was throbbing in his jeans, and he palmed himself without even really meaning to, gritting his teeth to bear the weight of his arousal. He decided he had to come, couldn’t not, and put the spoon down on the counter before turning back to the table, opening his jeans. 

“You’re all finished, Jay,” Mike said, touching Jay’s hip tenderly while he jacked his cock over the sight of Jay spread out for him and crying, softly now. “You did so well. So fucking well. God, you’re good for me. So good, Jay.” 

Mike couldn’t be properly creative or do anything but move his fist on his cock in a frantic blur of rhythmless motion. He didn’t even need lube, and didn’t need to jerk himself for long before he was unloading all across Jay’s beaten ass and sweaty back, streaking him in white.

“Fucking-- yeah, take it,” Mike said, almost breaking into a little sob himself as he pushed the last drops out, falling forward to brace his other hand against the table beside Jay’s hip. “Jay,” Mike said, unable to conceal the adoration in his voice as he leaned down to rest his head against Jay’s back, beside his cuffed hands. 

Jay wasn’t clenching his fists anymore, and had stopped crying. He was sniffling softly against the tabletop, shaky and half-hard. Mike could feel how overwhelmed he was, and when he undid the clasps on the cuffs, separating them, Jay left his hands clasped behind his back, not daring a single move while Mike’s hands soothed over him.

“You’re so sweaty,” Mike said, making his voice soft, petting Jay’s thighs. “And I made a big mess of you, hmm.” He dragged his finger through a streak of come that had landed on Jay’s wrist. “Jay, listen to me. Nod if you can hear my voice.”

Jay panted a few times before nodding. 

“You did very well. That was a hard punishment to take so soon after a spanking, I know. Let me help you up now, gonna take care of my good boy.” 

Mike eased Jay’s arms to his sides so he’d brace himself as he lifted up off the table with Mike’s help. Jay was unsteady on his feet, his face soaked with tears that had leaked out from under the blindfold. Mike got him standing, one hand tucked around Jay’s back for support, and swept his thumb over Jay’s burning cheeks, clearing the tears away. 

“My poor little mess,” Mike said, kissing him at the corner of his lips before pressing his tongue inside. Jay kissed back, eager and wet-mouthed, hungry for the tender praise Mike’s kiss conveyed and sighing into it with what sounded like relief, his hands lifting like he wanted to touch Mike before lowering to his sides again, shaky. “Gonna clean you up now,” Mike said, whispering, petting Jay’s cheeks. “Come with me.” 

Mike had Jay kneel beside the bathtub while he filled it up for him, making sure the water temperature stayed perfect and reaching over to give Jay reassuring little touches while he waited. Jay seemed okay, was even smiling vaguely, his cock having gone soft. Mike was a little freaked out by how intense that had been, maybe more so than Jay, who seemed to just be drifting and smiled a little wider every time Mike stroked his arm or tugged softly on his ear. 

“It’s ready now,” Mike said, and he helped Jay climb into the bath. “You can sit if you want to,” Mike said. “Or if it hurts too much, you can come up onto all fours.”

Jay looked lost, half lowered down into the water, and Mike decided now wasn’t the time to give him a choice. He made the choice for Jay, bringing Jay’s cuffed hands to either side of the tub so the cuffs wouldn’t get wet and sliding them forward so that Jay was kind of bowing, on his knees, his sore ass mostly lifted off any surface that might irritate his stinging skin.

“Good boy,” Mike said, so Jay would relax a little. It worked, his shoulders lowering and his head dipping down to hang between his outstretched arms. “Gonna wash you up now,” Mike said, and he dragged a wet, soapy washcloth over Jay’s back, his eyes sinking down to that old scar. He soaped the cloth over it, and Jay didn’t seem to mind. “Does that feel good?” Mike asked, lingering there.

Jay nodded and relaxed a little further, arching his back slightly for Mike’s touch. 

Mike took his time and teased him plenty, rubbing the cloth down over Jay’s hole and lingering there, switching to his fingers after a while, pretending to still be washing him while really just making him crazy to have Mike’s attention between his ass cheeks again. When Mike’s knees started to feel overused from kneeling beside the tub for too long, he helped Jay out of the bath and dried him off with care, pausing to kiss his fragrant skin here and there as he did. He gave each of Jay’s ass cheeks the tenderest ghost of a kiss, grinning when it made Jay shiver both times. He would have bruises from the spoon, but his skin hadn’t broken open anywhere. Mike glanced again at the scar, wary, before standing up with a grimace, his left knee warning him not to kneel again today. 

They relocated to the bed, where Jay stretched out on his belly, hard against the mattress and looking happy to be reclining against something soft now. Mike stretched out beside him and rubbed his shoulders and back for a while, kneading at his muscles until they were less trembly and Jay was humming under his breath, content. Mike had him scoot forward and bury his face between the two pillows on the bed, got into position behind him. He spread Jay’s ass cheeks apart very gently, knowing it would still hurt a little. Jay whimpered into the pillows, then moaned when Mike pressed his face in and started licking at him, into him, laving him with attention on the one spot on his ass that wasn’t sore.

Mike kept at it until Jay was shaky again and Mike’s cock was hard. He cuffed Jay’s hands together behind his back and had him come up onto his knees, face still pressed to the mattress. Mike put all the weight on his right knee when he knelt behind Jay and pushed into him, too desperate to fuck him like this to mind much when he accidentally came down onto the left knee while thrusting into him. Jay cried out for every thrust, probably only able to keep from coming because of the accompanying ache across his ass cheeks every time Mike’s cock slammed into him. The fact that he’d already had two orgasms likely helped, too, and when Mike fell forward with a groan to unload inside Jay he realized with a distant regret that this might be the last orgasm he was going to manage that day. It almost hurt, and his cock was hypersensitive as he dragged it out of Jay’s clinging heat with a wince. 

Jay was still hard, panting and dazed. Mike unclasped his wrists and rolled him over onto his back, tugged him close for kisses and let Jay’s cock dribble onto his thigh but didn’t touch him there. 

“You know you can’t come,” Mike said, with mocking sympathy that was also kinda sincere. “I wanted to let you come from being fucked, but you already spent that orgasm out in the kitchen. So we’re just gonna rest here together until your cock gets soft, okay?”

Jay nodded and made a kind of desperate gasping noise, like maybe he’d barely held in Mike’s name. Mike kissed him on the mouth for a long time, to help him be quiet. It didn’t help with Jay’s erection, which persisted and throbbed against Mike’s skin even as Jay’s breathing evened out and his shoulders relaxed under Mike’s encircling arm. 

“Hmm,” Mike said, reaching down to tap his finger against Jay’s leaking cockhead. Jay squeaked and curled up against Mike’s chest. “Still hard, huh? Maybe putting something to watch on would help. Or listen to, in your case.” 

Mike flicked the TV on, tuned it to some boring Saturday afternoon sitcom reruns, and pulled Jay into his lap, guiding Jay’s tired head to his shoulder. Jay was a little shaky at first, his dick still hard and his ass sore enough to make him wince with every adjustment he made in Mike’s lap, but after ten minutes he started to melt, exhausted and held comfortably in Mike’s arms, curled up against his chest. With half an hour he was dozing. 

Mike let him sleep and drifted off himself for a bit, waking with his cheek resting on top of Jay’s head, the smell of Jay’s hair making him feel weak. He loved this too much, and kept wanting to take a break and interview Jay to make sure he was on the same page, because it seemed almost impossible that Jay could be this perfect for him, sleeping on Mike’s chest and soft between his legs now, finally. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon like that, Jay alternating between waking and fidgeting needfully against Mike’s naked thighs and drifting off again in resignation, his blindfolded face pressed tight to Mike’s throat. Mike touched him idly and whispered praise at moments, even though Jay wasn’t really doing anything except remaining in Mike’s lap, drifting and smiling a little for every soft word Mike whispered in his ear.

When it was time to make dinner, Mike lead Jay out of the bedroom by the hand and sat him on the living room couch. 

“Gonna go cook something special for you,” Mike said, ruffling Jay’s hair. “Just wait here like a good boy.”

Mike had a feeling this might be the hardest thing he’d ask Jay to do all day, and it seemed true when he returned after spending half an hour getting dinner together. Jay clung to him, shaky and pressing his face to Mike’s thigh, taking deep breaths full of the scent of him. Mike felt more cruel for having left him alone for so long than he did after whacking him with that spoon. Jay was almost crying with relief for the feeling of Mike’s fingers stroking through his hair. Not wanting to leave him alone for another moment, Mike took Jay with him to the kitchen and had him stand close while Mike made a plate for them to share. 

They ate on the couch, Jay with his knees in Mike’s lap while Mike hand fed him bites of steak and roasted carrots. They shared a beer in the same fashion, Mike bringing the bottle to Jay’s lips and tipping it up for him, watching Jay’s lips close around the end of the bottle and wondering if he could get it up again tonight after all. Jay was soft throughout dinner, but his cock started to fill again afterward, when Mike had the TV on, volume low, one hand stroking over Jay’s bicep and the other rubbing his newly smooth chest. A few tweaks to Jay’s stiff nipples got his cock fully hard. 

“It’s gotten dark outside, Jay,” Mike asked. “Can you tell, from behind that blindfold?”

Jay shook his head. Mike believed him. He wasn’t even sure Jay remembered which of their apartments he was in presently. Jay had started sweating a little, and biting at his lips. He needed to come. Mike could feel it, and feeling it was making Mike hard again, miraculously.

It wasn’t like Mike had never had four orgasms in a day before. He had, with Jay, also with his own hand when thinking about Jay. This just felt newly strenuous, and Mike lasted a long time in bed at the end of the night, with Jay bouncing in his lap and crying softly on his dick, so hard against Mike’s belly that he had to keep freezing and grinding his teeth to keep from coming without permission, his lips all bitten up and red. When Mike finally had mercy on him, still hard inside him and reaching down to rub his thumb up and down along Jay’s fat, overfull shaft, Jay made a cracked little sound and grabbed for Mike’s shoulders, which was against the rules. 

Mike decided: fuck the rules, his baby needed to come. 

“You can let it out now, Jay,” Mike said, stroking him properly. Jay was panting, fingers digging into Mike’s shoulders, hips moving wildly as he fucked Mike’s hand, stimulating his held-open ass at the same time. “Come for me, Jay,” Mike said, not even sure Jay understood that he’d been granted permission. “Go on. Like a good boy, let that come out now.” 

Jay screamed and threw his head back, clenching up so tight around Mike’s dick when he unloaded that it only took Mike a few more crazed thrusts up into him to finish, too. He crushed Jay against his chest while he came inside him, holding him tight and mouthing at his sweaty throat, burying his face against the thin-skinned spot where Jay’s pulse was fucking pounding.

They disconnected slowly and Mike glanced over at the bedside clock, still panting. They had an hour and a half till midnight. Jay was flopped against the bedsheets, his breathing starting to slow down while Mike stroked his shoulder. Jay’s training collar had loosened a bit, and he whimpered when he felt Mike undo the bow so he could retighten it. 

Jay shook his head, panicked.

“You don’t want me to take it off?” Mike asked, freezing.

Jay shook his head again, harder. 

“I’m not-- I’m just adjusting it, Jay. You’re still in training for a bit longer tonight, don’t worry.”

Jay seemed placated and lifted his face off the bed so Mike could retie the bow at the back of his neck. Mike pressed a few soft kisses there after he had, his hand moving down along Jay’s trembling side, then back up again. The trembling stilled, and Jay’s breathing calmed.

Mike didn’t want Jay to fall asleep before midnight, though he was tired, too. He propped Jay up against his side and grabbed the nearest book to read to him, something called _Night Circus_ , a Christmas gift from Mike’s sister that Mike hadn’t even cracked open yet.

“Just rest here while I read to you,” Mike said, though Jay was already melted against his side, exhausted. “Good boy,” Mike whispered, and Jay shifted closer, smiling. 

The book was silly as fuck, which ended up being a good thing. Mike did voices for the character dialogue and in general read in a jokey, overdramatic fashion that made Jay shake with laughter against him. Mike was laughing, too, and it felt-- Normalish, actually. Like they were coming out of the game a little. Mike liked the feeling and kept reading, kissing the top of Jay’s head every time Mike’s narration got a big laugh out of him. 

Jay drifted off on Mike’s chest just before midnight. Mike put the book aside and eased Jay awake, brought him into the bathroom and helped him brush his teeth, drink some water, then left him there to take a leak. Out in the bedroom, Mike turned out all the lights and shut the blinds over the window, throwing the room into darkness. When he heard the toilet flush he fetched Jay from the bathroom and shut that light out, too. On the way back to the bed, Mike could barely see anything himself. He had Jay sit on the edge of the mattress and checked the clock, the glow of its numbers the only light in the room. It was two minutes after midnight. 

“You did so well with your first training day,” Mike said, reaching for Jay’s wrists. He removed one cuff, then the other. “I’m taking your training collar off now, so you can get some rest.” He undid the bow, noting the soft noise Jay made as he felt the ribbon slip away from his throat. Mike opened the drawer beside his bed and put the cuffs and the ribbon inside, then reached for the blindfold and slowly dragged it upward, pulling it free and placing it in the drawer with the other things. He shut the drawer and turned back to Jay, stroking his thumbs at the corners of Jay’s eyes while Jay blinked in the darkness, still unseeing. It was too dark for Mike to see Jay’s eyes or much of him at all. Mike had done that on purpose, wanted to wait until morning to fully return to reality. 

“You can speak now,” Mike said, touching Jay’s lips. “And, here--” Mike groped around on the floor until he found one of his sweaters. He pulled it over Jay’s head and helped him push his arms into the sleeves. 

“Thank you,” Jay said, his voice cracked and small. 

“You’re welcome. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Mike.”

“Hmm?”

Jay threw his arms around Mike and buried his face against Mike’s gut, hugging him tight and moaning softly, speechless with what felt like gratitude. 

“Aw,” Mike said, petting Jay’s hair. “You did so well, all day, just-- Amazing, Jay, you amaze me. Scoot over, let's get in bed.” 

Jay did as Mike asked and huddled in his arms under the blankets. Mike kind of wanted to debrief, but he was tired and Jay was still in his nowhere place for the most part. They fell asleep wrapped together, totally drained. Mike didn’t twitch awake once during the night, didn’t even dream.

When he woke up to the soft light of morning, Jay was still sleeping deeply and the glow of maturing dawn had crept into the room from around the edges of the blinds. Mike let Jay go on sleeping for a few more minutes, but ultimately couldn’t wait long to nudge him awake. He wanted to see Jay’s eyes, and to talk to him, felt like it was Christmas morning for the second day in a row, only these presents would be new, different from the ones he’d had the day before. 

Mike could see that it was taking some effort for Jay to focus when he opened his eyes, blinking awake for Mike’s gentle but persistent petting. Mike felt it like a fist around his heart when Jay met his gaze and smiled. 

Mike was going to say something like, I love you, so much, you’re a miracle and my life would be empty without you, but Jay spoke first, still blinking heavily. 

“Did I piss all over your toilet seat?” Jay asked. 

Mike snorted. “No,” he said. “I checked, last night, before I turned the lights out. You had good aim.” 

Jay laughed a little and rolled onto his belly, moaning and pushing his arms up over his head, under the pillow they’d shared all night, hiding his face against his bicep. He stayed like that for a while, then sighed and lifted his chin just enough to peek at Mike again. 

“Mike,” Jay said. “That was. Really good, jesus, I-- Loved that. You should know.” 

“What was good, Jay.” Mike wanted to hear a list of his favorite parts, at the very least.

Jay groaned and groped for Mike, pressing himself to Mike’s side. Mike stroked his hair, let him take his time coming up with the words. 

“Being like that all day, with you,” Jay said, eyes closed against Mike’s t-shirt. “That’s-- What I love, just. Everything you did. All that stuff you said. All of it.”

“I didn’t hit you too hard, did I?”

“Jesus, no. That was fucking perfect.” 

Mike kissed him and rolled on top of him. Jay peered up at him so sweetly that Mike was tempted to vow never to cover his eyes up again, though he could see, looking into them now, how deeply Jay had loved that he had, because it had meant he had to depend on Mike for everything. 

“Is your ass sore?” Mike asked, lifting up a little to ease the full burden of his weight off of Jay’s warm, writhing body. 

“Mhm, yeah.” Jay grinned. “Feels good, though.” 

“You like it when I make you sore?” Mike asked, mumbling this against Jay’s throat before kissing him there, sucking fragrant skin into his mouth. 

“Yeah,” Jay confessed. He was hard, humping himself up against Mike. 

“You’re insatiable,” Mike said, though it wasn’t really fair to say so. He was getting hard, too. 

They had sleepy sex that went on for a long time, staring into each other’s eyes, Mike on top and Jay folded nearly in half underneath him, his legs pushed up against his chest and spread open around Mike’s body. 

“Remember,” Mike said when he could feel Jay getting close. “You can, ah-- You can come, whenever you want. Don’t need my permission.”

“But I want it,” Jay said, his voice breaking, and Mike kissed him so hard. 

They fell asleep again after, but not for long before they both wanted a shower. Mike let Jay go first, figuring they needed to come out of their sex fog eventually, and went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee so it would be ready when Jay got out. The spoon he’d used to spank Jay was still sitting on the counter by the stove. Mike washed it and put it away, felt himself blushing. 

Jay’s clothes were still folded neatly over his shoes in the foyer. Mike fetched them for him and brought them into the bathroom, where Jay was toweling off. 

“What do you want to do today?” Jay asked. 

“Hmm,” Mike said. “We could go to a movie. Anything you want to see?”

“First Cow!” 

“Excuse me?”

“It’s a western. It’s supposed to be really good.”

Mike said sure and kissed him, unable to resist. It was the exuberant look on Jay’s face, the light in his eyes, the way he’d answered Mike’s question like he’d been waiting for it-- Everything, all of it. Mike had loved the strictness of the day before, too, but he felt just as restored to himself as Jay was for having all of Jay back now. 

“Lemme see something,” Mike said, reaching down to lift the towel Jay had wrapped around his waist. 

“Oh no,” Jay said when Mike turned him around. “What’s this?”

“Just--” Mike moaned at the sight of the bruises on Jay’s ass, wanting to brush his fingertips over them but not sure he deserved to. “Fuck, man. You’re really, uh. Okay with that?”

“What?” Jay pointed his ass at the mirror over the sink and looked back over his shoulder. “Oh, jesus,” he said, laughing. His face went pink. “Yeah, that’s-- Unf. Mike.”

“You like it?” Mike stroked him then, just lightly.

Jay nodded, staring, mesmerized by the sight of Mike’s fingers moving over his raw skin. 

“Okay then,” Mike said, lowering the towel before one or both of them could get hard for this. They had to move on from sex, goddammit, at least for a few hours. “Gonna take my shower now. There’s coffee out there if you want it.”

“Aw,” Jay said, adjusting his towel. “Thanks.” 

Mike kissed him on the nose and turned for the shower, feeling so packed full of expanding glee that it was almost scary, like something that could literally burst him at the seams. 

Mike made pancakes and bacon for breakfast, and they ate together at the kitchen table and made plans for the day. They both had errands to run, and decided to do that before the movie. Driving around town together in Mike’s car, Mike kept feeling like this should be harder, like there was some part of their assignment from Rich that they weren’t doing. Talking about their feelings, maybe? But Jay was cheerful and easygoing, telling Mike about a design project he was helping Josh with for the bookstore, and how he used to draw all the time when he was a kid and never did anymore, saying maybe he would get one of those tablets with the pens that his artistic friends used. 

“Not for any purpose,” Jay said. “Just for fun.” 

“Fun is a purpose,” Mike said, and he gave Jay a serious look when he laughed. 

The _First Cow_ movie was pretty good, though kind of slow for Mike’s tastes. He mostly liked that Jay had a lot to say about it afterward, as well as many feelings on westerns in general, which Mike could relate to. They had a late lunch at a sports bar afterward, including pints of beer. 

“Maybe I really should start going to the gym with you,” Mike said after he’d stuffed himself. Jay had only eaten a bowl of soup and some of Mike’s fries, plus two beers. 

“I-- Just--” Jay stammered, looking away from Mike, who didn’t really give a fuck and was mostly saying this so he could spend more time with Jay and possibly warn anyone who ogled him at the gym away with a snarl. “I just care-- About you,” Jay said, when he finally met Mike’s eyes again. “That’s the only reason I, uh. Said that.”

It was the first time they’d talked about anything that was said in therapy. Mike shrugged. 

“I know,” he said, though it was still hard for him to really get his head around the fact that Jay could care for him like that, so much that he worried about Mike’s blood pressure.

The day went by too fast, and when they were back at Mike’s place Mike wasn’t sure where they stood in terms of where Jay was going to sleep that night, or the night after. Neither of them brought it up, and after they’d watched some TV together and had a couple more beers, Mike made a pot of rice and reheated the leftover steak from the night before, dousing both in soy sauce when he was seated at the table again, beside Jay, who seemed unwilling to leave his side, which Mike had to interpret as good, whatever an outsider’s opinion might be. Jay used an irritatingly small amount of soy sauce on his own plate. 

“I want you to stay over tonight,” Mike said, staring down at his food and figuring this would at least mean he’d talked about his feelings once today. “But you don’t have to.” 

“I’d like to,” Jay said. He’d been quieter since they got back to the apartment, and Mike knew he was nervous, too, about how to move forward, how far they should go. “I think I still have, um. A change of clothes, left here?”

“Yeah,” Mike said, thinking of that emptied-out drawer and how Jay had acted when he was stuffing the clothes from it into his duffel bag. 

“Good.” Jay swallowed heavily and moved the rice around on his plate. “You want the rest of mine?” he asked. “I’m full.” 

“Me too. Ate too much at that bar. Gimme your plate, I’ll take it for lunch tomorrow.” 

They got in bed together not long after that. Mike had been tired before, but he felt wide awake once he was in bed with Jay. The lights were still on. Mike thought of reading to Jay again, but didn’t want to confuse the separation of last night and this night. He rubbed Jay’s back, scratching his fingertips softly over Jay’s skin while Jay lay there beside him in his boxer shorts and nothing else, quiet and probably worrying about all the same shit that was bugging Mike. When Mike’s fingers traced over the little scar at the small of Jay’s back, he heard Jay’s breath catch. 

“You said you got this when you were a kid?” Mike said, drawing a careful fingertip across it.

Jay shivered. He was lying on his belly with his arms folded around his head, his bicep partially concealing his face. 

Please fucking talk to me, Mike thought, wanting to demand it and knowing he couldn’t.

“Yeah,” Jay said, finally, eyes closed. “It’s a long, weird, and ultimately boring story.”

“Uhh, doubtful. I dare you to try boring me with tales of your childhood, Jay. You know I’ll be fucking riveted.”

“Whyyy,” Jay said, whining this out softly. He didn’t seem too annoyed when he lifted up onto his elbows and looked over at Mike. “The main characteristic of childhood is boredom,” he said, probably trying to change the subject. 

“So what’s the story?” Mike asked, touching the scar again. 

Jay sighed and lowered his cheek to the mattress, tucking his arms in under his chest. 

“It’s from middle school,” he said, mumbling. “Seventh grade. This kid who used to pick on me.” 

“That fucker,” Mike said, stroking the small of Jay’s back, his heart slamming just for the thought of little Jay getting beat up, nobody at home noticing. “This is-- It looks like it was a pretty bad cut?”

Jay huffed and nodded, eyes sinking shut. 

“This is such a long and stupid story,” he said.

“Try me, I’m curious.” 

“Okay, well. I wasn’t a total reject loser, even in middle school, I had friends. Fellow nerds. You might even say I was one of the cooler ones, among them. Though I guess I’m biased.” 

“I’m sure you were the coolest fucking nerd in the land, Jay.”

Jay smiled a little, some of the tension leaving the muscles in his back as Mike soothed his hand over them, wordlessly encouraging him to continue. 

“So in sixth grade these guys would always give our little nerd group hell,” Jay said. “They were these kind of like, rough kids who came from shitty homes, and they went after us because we were easy targets but also because they resented that we were either like, good at school, or sincerely interested in things in a way that they weren’t, or-- Whatever, the ringleader’s name was Eliot.”

“Eliot,” Mike said, hatefully.

“I know, it doesn’t sound like a bully name. He had glasses, too! But he was huge, like, tall and man-sized by seventh grade, basically. And in seventh grade I had the really shitty luck of being separated from most of my friends. We had these three different modules or whatever that our grade was split into, and absolutely no one I was friends with got sorted into mine. But fucking Eliot did, and when I was more isolated he decided to like, devote his life to tormenting me. It was weird, it was almost like a kind of sick friendship by the end of the year, like, symbiotic dysfunction. I hated him, but I kinda liked knowing I was smarter than him, and saying snotty comments to him during class that I knew he’d fucking destroy me for later-- I don’t know, I guess I had a kiddie death wish, a bit.” 

Mike leaned down to kiss Jay’s shoulder, his hand still smoothing over Jay’s back, heart breaking for him retroactively.

“So this one day, toward the end of the year, I said something really shitty to him, I don’t remember what it was but it was a savage burn in thirteen-year-old boy terms, and these guys who overheard it all laughed, and Eliot just gave me this look like, you’re fucking dead. I could see he really meant it this time, like I’d finally touched the worst nerve possible. The blood drained from my face so fast, I thought I was gonna faint from terror. I took off running-- Oh, I forgot one very important part of the story.” 

“Mhm?” Mike said, taking his hand away because it had started shaking. He didn’t want to come to the part of the story where Jay got hurt, really.

“Eliot had this necklace,” Jay said, sitting up on his elbows again. He was animated suddenly, eyes clear and bright. “It was a shark’s tooth, and he’d filed the end of it to a sharp point. He wore it every day, and I’d made fun of him for it more than once. So I’m running, but I’ve got these short fucking legs and of course he catches me, and when he does I realize I’ve fucked up big time, because we’d been in free period and I’d run toward the baseball field, and nobody was around, were we alone. He tackled me and had me down in the dirt, had his knee on my back, hands on my shoulders, and I was kicking and thrashing around but I knew I was fucked, could barely move. And he said, with this like absolute murder in his voice: stay still.” 

“Jesus,” Mike said, sitting up and rubbing his hand over his face, sweating a little. Jay rolled onto his back and grinned like he was enjoying how Mike was hanging on his every word.

“Right when he told me to stay still, I feel this sharp thing jabbing into my side,” Jay said. “Into my back, I guess-- And the way he was positioned over me, I knew it was the necklace, the shark’s tooth. It was so weird because he hadn’t even taken it off. He almost had to have his fucking face on my skin to cut me with it. It hurt like crazy and I guess I probably screamed or made some other kind of undignified sound, but I also just went totally limp, like, okay, I see you’re serious, you’re in charge here, I just put my face in the dirt and laid there motionless. I could feel it was bleeding pretty bad, and he got off of me, and when I dared to look up at him I could tell he was in shock, that he hadn’t really-- Meant to do that? Or expected how scary it would be to hurt someone for real? I don’t know, but he actually looked even more freaked out than I felt. He said ‘tell anyone and I’ll kill you,’ and then he ran away and left me there in the dirt.” 

Mike sighed heavily and leaned down to kiss Jay’s scar. He pressed his cheek over it and wondered if Jay could feel how hard his heart was beating while he heard all this. 

“The worst thing he’d done to me before that was like, putting my head in a toilet bowl,” Jay said. “Which was actually more traumatic, in hindsight.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, reaching over to clamp his hand around Jay’s side. “Benny did that to me when we were kids. More than once.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“I-- I told you, he was always kicking my ass. He hated that his little brother was smarter than him, and that our mom was nicer to me and our dad trusted me with shit that he knew Benny would screw up. By the time I was fifteen I was bigger than him, too, ha. That was awesome. Anyway.” Mike kissed the small of Jay’s back. “What happened next?”

“Nothing,” Jay said. “He left me alone. Barely looked at me ever again, even. The school year ended, and I didn’t tell anyone about the cut. I disinfected it and bandaged it up myself, and sometimes at night I would touch it, like, while it was healing. I felt proud or something, like I’d survived, but I was scared that he’d be worse the next year, if I got unlucky and didn’t have any friends around as a buffer. But nope. He was just done with me after that. I didn’t know what to think. And then--” Jay turned to smirk at Mike. “This is where the story gets really fucking weird.”

“How dare you tell me this story was boring,” Mike said, sincerely riveted.

Jay snickered. “Okay, so. End of eighth grade. Eliot hasn’t bothered me all year. I think he was going through some shit at home, but I’m not sure. I’d never seen him wearing the shark necklace during eighth grade either. I thought maybe he was still afraid I was going to like, accuse him of assault, and maybe he’d thrown the necklace in the lake to get rid of the evidence. So on the last day of the school year, last day of middle school, I open up my locker to clean it out and there it is, inside my locker.”

“The-- What, the necklace?”

“Yes! The fucking shark’s tooth necklace. I knew it was his, too, it was the same one. I remember slamming my locker shut and standing there white-faced like I’d seen a ghost. I thought this meant he was going to murder me, like it was a threat. All day I was in a silent panic, waiting for him to like, enact his final vengeance on me or whatever. But nothing happened. I shoved the necklace into my bookbag with all my other crap and hung onto it, thinking maybe I could like, give it back to him as a peace offering if he cornered me and held a knife against my throat--”

“God, Jay,” Mike said, scooting over toward him, needing to be closer. “Did you tell anyone, or--”

“No, because nothing happened! I got through the school day unscatched, and the summer, and the next year we went to different high schools. I started to think he’d given me the necklace as a kind of apology, and then my thinking about the whole thing got reeeeaal weird.”

“Oh god. How so?”

“Can’t you guess?” Jay snorted and rolled onto his back, tucking himself in against Mike’s chest when Mike wrapped an arm around him. “I got fixated on the idea of this kid-- Okay, don’t judge me, but he was a good looking guy.”

“Oh god!” Mike said, cringing.

“No, I-- Listen! I still hated him and never wanted to see him again, the real kid, but, like, he also became this-- Thing. In my imagination. In my fantasies, I guess. Because I was jerking off to a lot of weird shit already, okay, involving women, and we’re not gonna get into that right now but I had a lot guilt and anxiety about sex already, blah blah, anyway-- I started jerking off to thoughts of this kid like, catching me and tying me up, punishing me, because I thought maybe he’d given me the necklace and that he’d done all that shit in the first place because he was secretly mad with lust for me.”

Mike hated the kid even more now. He forced himself to stop scowling, not wanting Jay to feel judged. 

“But!” Jay said, holding up a finger. “There’s another twist.” 

“I can’t handle the suspense,” Mike said, sincerely.

“Okay, so, all through high school I’m holding onto this secret like, part angst, part sex perversion thing that has to do with my middle school bully kicking my ass out of like gay panic or whatever, and particularly obsessing over this moment when he pinned me and sliced me open like that, and the scar I still had, and it was like-- In some weird way it felt like the one fantasy about guys that I was ‘allowed’ to have, because I’d earned it? Like, with my blood?”

Mike wasn’t sure what the look on his face was anymore, but it was making Jay laugh and turn red. 

“You ask for a glimpse at my psyche and then you turn green when I show you,” Jay said, looking actually pretty pleased about this. 

“I’m not green,” Mike said. “I’m on the edge of my fucking seat, what happened next? What’s the twist?”

“Ughh, okay, so-- Junior year, I’m a party, because by then I had actual friends and went to parties, okay, I was not this little sad sack loner like you probably think.” 

“I was a sad sack loner,” Mike said, though he’d had lots of friends and got plenty of girls. He’d still felt sad all the time back then, and alone, even in a crowd. 

“Mhm,” Jay said, petting Mike’s face. “Anyway. This girl, Stacy, we were kind of acquaintances but not super good friends or anything. She’s drinking and she says to me, I have a confession. The summer after seventh grade, she was at a party and Eliot was there, and he was stupid drunk.”

“At thirteen?” Mike said, though he’d had his first beers around that age, too. 

“Yeah, the kid had problems. Anyway, Stacy tells me that at this party, when Eliot was out of it, she stole the fucking shark tooth necklace! The reason being, she had a crush on me back then, and had seen how he tormented me, and she wanted to give me the goddamn necklace like a trophy. But she chickened out and held onto it instead, for the whole year, and finally just pushed it through the slats in my locker on the last day of middle school, to get closure or some shit.”

“What the fuck,” Mike said.

“That’s what I said! And I tried to feel flattered that she’d had a crush on me, but I’d never thought of her that way and anyway it had been years ago by then. Mostly I just felt robbed. Like this thing had been taken away from me. That bully had never like, secretly wanted to kiss me. That was all on me, projecting. He’d just been a miserable asshole who wanted to hurt someone, till he drew blood and lost his appetite. Realizing that, after I’d nursed this weird sort of pride thinking it was the other thing, just made me feel-- So fucking bad about myself, jesus. In ways I couldn’t even process or rationalize. It pulled the whole rug out from under me in terms of like, trying to be okay with being attracted to guys and girls, and what that meant and who I was gonna fucking turn out to be, god, just. It really fucked me up.”

“Poor Jay,” Mike said, not sure he entirely understood. There were bits and pieces that made sense, some in ways that Mike didn’t want them to. “Whatever happened to the guy?”

“Eliot? He died in a helicopter crash.” 

“Jesus christ.”

“Yeah, it was somewhere in the middle east, he joined the army after high school.” 

Mike put his head down next to Jay’s, his palm resting over the little scar on his back. He took a deep breath and let it out, not sure where to go from there. He’d thought hearing this story would reassure him somehow, just because Jay was trusting him with it. Now he felt like he was being told he was the evolution of Jay’s fantasies about being bullied by someone who was crazed with lust for him. 

“I guess what saved me was all the Legend of Zelda porn,” Jay said, and he grinned when Mike reared back to boggle at him, his angst forgotten. 

“The what now?” Mike said. 

“C’monnn, like you’re not familiar with weird online fan porn. Star Trek boy.”

“How dare you. My feelings for Star Trek were very pure! I looked mostly at, uh. Your standard real people fucking each other porn. What the hell is Legend of Zelda porn?” 

“You remember Ganon?” Jay asked, wincing a little. 

“No?” Mike said, with a tone of distress that apparently Jay found hilarious, because he buried his blushing face in the bedsheets and cracked up. 

“He was the bad guy in the Super Nintendo Zelda game,” Jay said, peeking up at Mike with one eye, his cheek still pressed to the sheets. “And then in the N64 one, too. I loved that game. I didn’t even intend to find these, uh, artworks for it. Wherein the huge bad guy fucks Link with his monster dick. But once I’d seen one, I, uh, went in search of more. Which lead me to the stories.”

“Oh my god,” Mike said, and then he was laughing, too. 

Jay punched him a few times, softly. He was still grinning, eyes twinkling. 

“Stories?” Mike said, when he could talk again. 

“They were very elaborate!” Jay popped up onto his elbows again, like he was at least a little excited to tell this part. “Ganon would capture Link, okay, and Link would hate him at first, but he’d be seduced in the process of being trained to be Ganon’s sex slave.” 

Mike heard the word _trained_ and stopped laughing. 

“And they’d fall in love,” Jay said, looking down at his hands, still grinning. “And I don’t know, man-- They were bad, these stories, so bad, but I’d beat off to them over and over, just. The one fantasy, about being captured by this big villain and put on a leash, okay, there was that, but also all the stuff about-- Like, there’d be all this loving detail about how Ganon dressed Link, and fed him, and made him feel special and safe and all that shit-- I guess little me was getting off on that, too.” 

Jay stopped talking and gave Mike a nervous look. Mike felt gut punched. He wasn’t even sure why. It was some combination of feeling pity for the Jay who’d been so lonely and confused back then and the fear that Jay was saying that being with Mike was just about living out his teenage fantasy of being imprisoned in the lair of a big bad guy who also liked to cuddle. 

“As an example of how dumb these stories could be,” Jay said, staring down at his hands again. “There was this one line that made me laugh so hard because it was just, so fucking stupid but also something about how bad it was got me off, too, like when porn is extra sleazy, uh-- So the line, and this is Ganon talking about Link, to some like, fellow freedom fighter who shows up trying to rescue Link. Ganon smirks and says, ‘He may be a warrior on the streets, but he’s a whore in my sheets.’”

“What the fuck?!” Mike said, and then they were both laughing hard. 

“I want to hear about your superior teen years porn,” Jay said, kicking at Mike when he couldn’t stop laughing. Jay couldn’t really stop either, had tears in his eyes from it. “Go ahead, tell me something embarrassing, you owe me.” 

Mike groaned and tried to remember. He had a feeling that his history with porn was a lot less complex and fraught than Jay’s. 

“Okay the first gay porn I beat off to,” Mike said. “Was these two like, athletes in the locker room, and the video opens on one of them just like lying on a bench and blowing the other, and then their coach comes in and he’s like this gross middle-aged guy with beer gut, and the younger guys kinda freeze and the coach says, in this fucking terrible southern accent, ‘Shiiit, ya’ll started without me!’ Then he takes his dick out and walks over to them--”

Mike dissolved into laughter, losing it mostly for how hard Jay was laughing, near convulsing with it. 

They spent at least another hour just talking about terrible porn they’d beat off to over the years, laughing until their sides hurt. When they’d calmed down Jay talked more seriously about how hard it had been to give up the idea that he could just ‘go straight,’ or that his attraction to guys wasn’t something he really had to deal with as long as he still liked girls, too. 

“Sorry,” Jay said when Mike had been listening for a while, petting Jay’s back and feeling somewhat better about not just being the bully of Jay’s dreams, because of course it was more complicated than that. 

“For what?” Mike asked, though he could guess.

“I’m just lying here talking about myself, god-- I have been for, like, hours.” 

“Yeah, and it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever done. Don’t stop, mph, baby, I’m so close.”

Jay snorted, and then he was laughing. Mike smiled and leaned in for a kiss. Jay tasted better than he ever had, somehow, and he kissed back like he’d needed one bad, too.

*


	12. Chapter 12

They fell into a routine as spring came slowly to Milwaukee, the cold mornings growing less bitter and the occasional sunbeam breaking through the clouds. Monday through Wednesday, Jay slept at his own place and headed to the gym after their shift. Mike kept himself entertained with gradually less success as the weekdays passed, missing Jay, but not yet enough to go to the gym with him. Mike didn’t have the right clothes or shoes for it, for one thing, and didn’t want to spend money on that shit. 

On Thursdays they went downtown to see Rich. 

They still didn’t talk about it outside of Rich’s office, just kind of did it. Mike kept expecting Jay to say he was done tagging along, but he followed Mike to his car every Thursday at 3:30, and they had yet to get in trouble with corporate for closing the shop early once a week, maybe because business was even slower than usual. 

Almost every time they walked into Rich’s office, Jay said that he didn’t really feel like talking. Then he did most of the talking, most Thursdays.

“I just don’t get why it matters to him,” Jay said to Rich one Thursday, after Mike had confessed that he wished Jay would open up more about his past experiences with other people and formative sexual history. 

“Because I want to know what not to do!” Mike said. “It’s gotta be like, the only way you’ll tell me your limits--”

“I don’t _have_ limits,” Jay said, scowling and still avoiding looking over at Mike. They often fought in these sessions, fucked afterward, and then were very gentle with each other for the rest of Thursday evening, which they always spent together at Mike’s place.

“Are you hearing this?” Mike said to Rich, pointing at Jay. “You wanna jump in there and suggest maybe that limits are good, or no?”

Rich looked from Mike to Jay and back again, arms crossed over his chest. Mike liked him, found these sessions helpful, but sometimes wondered if Rich was close to falling asleep over there. He often didn’t say much, once Jay got going. 

“Let me venture a presumption,” Rich said. “And Jay, you can tell me if I’m wrong. What I’m hearing is that Jay trusts you, Mike, to intuitively know what going too far would look like for him.” 

“Exactly!” Jay said, looking pleased with himself.

“And Jay,” Rich said, with a slightly admonishing tone that Mike enjoyed, “What Mike is telling you is that he’s not entirely comfortable with that. He’s scared, I think, of accidentally hurting you if you have this policy of so called no limits and don’t give him more feedback.” 

Jay sat and stewed in silence for a while after that. Mike was quiet, too, not wanting to confirm out loud that yeah, he was fucking scared of exactly that.

“So,” Rich said when he saw they were both going to be stubborn about this. “Rather than make you outline exactly what you would and wouldn’t want him to do, Jay, Mike is asking you if anyone in the past ever did anything you didn’t like in the course of this, ah, kind of scenario.” 

“And I’m telling Mike that he’s being fucking stupid, first of all for thinking of me as this battered weakling and wanting me to supply him with, like, misery porn about my dark past--”

“Ey, fuck you!” Mike said. “That’s not--”

“And secondly!” Jay said, louder, sitting forward and keeping his eyes on Rich. “He’s being stupid for thinking he’d ever even consider doing the like, tiny handful of things I haven’t liked in the past, which were done to me by people who were totally fucking nothing like Mike, who I sometimes think is only pretending to be into the shit I’m into for my sake.” 

“What the fuck!” Mike was seriously hurt by that, which hadn’t been true during any of their past therapy bickering sessions. “Are you-- Do you mean that?” he asked, willing Jay to at least look at him. Jay was red-faced and worked up, but he spared Mike a glance, looking somewhat regretful. 

“I mean,” Jay said, mumbling. “No, I guess. That’s not really fair, fuck. Sorry. I just--” Jay shook his head and looked away, closing his eyes for a second. “I just have this fear that one day you’re gonna wake up and be sick of it, and sick of me, and you’ll pretend otherwise because you’re so fucking protective of me or whatever, and I’ll just be this moron who’s selfishly making you do all this stuff until one day you finally can’t even get hard for it.”

“Well I hope you know that’s completely fucking irrational,” Mike said, expecting Jay to agree and continue to back down. 

“No, it’s not!” Jay said, glowering at Mike instead. “You don’t know, like-- You don’t know what it’s like to wake up one day and have someone who was supposed to be fucking everything to you just not give a fuck about you anymore. Even if they wish that they could and pretend to for as long as they can, they just don’t, so, sorry, goodbye, good luck. It happens, Mike, okay? It happened to me!”

“With who?” Mike asked, with disgust, stuck on thinking about the past relationships Jay wouldn’t tell him about.

“Are you joking?” Jay said, sounding like Mike had just punched him in the gut. “My fucking parents, Mike!” 

Mike’s mouth hung open around an apology. He felt like Jay had just thrown a spear through his chest. They hadn’t talked about this yet in therapy or otherwise, outside of Jay’s few drunkenly related anecdotes over the years and that exclamation about his teeth in their first session.

“And I know you think I’m exaggerating,” Jay said, turning to Rich but seeming to really be addressing Mike. “Or remembering it wrong or being dramatic because I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I’m not, okay, I’m really not. I mean. Mike just cannot understand what that was like, and he thinks-- I don’t know what he fucking thinks, but, like--”

Jay trailed off there, breathing hard and getting so overworked that Mike moved closer to him on the sofa, wanting to put an arm around him. Jay was giving off energy that suggested nobody should touch him, meanwhile, shoulders tense and eyes narrowed. 

“Maybe you could give Mike an example,” Rich said. “Something specific, to help him understand?”

Jay huffed and grabbed the throw pillow, then set it aside again. He crossed his arms over his chest and tipped his head back to stare up at the ceiling. Mike was half sure Jay was going to refuse Rich’s suggestion, half afraid he was going to burst into tears. 

“Just, for example,” Jay said, bitterly, lowering his gaze to meet Rich’s again. “Like, say, if you’re eight years old and you get left at school because both of your parents thought the other was going to pick you up, and neither of them really had time to care because there were other, younger kids to actually take care of, and you hide behind a pole in the parking lot because you’re embarrassed as fuck and small enough to go unseen, and it’s dark out by the time a janitor sees you sitting outside in the cold and you’ve just seen _Teenage Strangler_ for the first time so you think he’s going to murder you, but you go with him anyway because you’re like, well, clearly no one cares if I live or die, who would miss me? That, for example, would just be a not great feeling to have as an eight-year-old, like, one of many not great feelings that made a pretty big impression. Jesus fuck, like. Is it that hard to understand?”

“What’d the janitor do?” Mike asked, worried for little Jay, also heartbroken for current Jay.

Jay snorted and gave Mike a look like that question was insane. Then he almost smiled, maybe.

“He made me call my mom,” Jay said. “And she railed me out like I’d evaded her clutches on purpose, then sent my stepdad to come get me and bring me over to my dad’s house, because it was supposed to be his night and my stepmom was the one who’d forgotten to pick me up. And when we got there they were in the middle of dinner with my little sisters and my dad and stepdad got in a big, screaming fight about the whole thing, while I stood there hearing every word of it for what it was, which was a fight about who had to deal with the extremely unwanted chore of having me in their house that night.” 

“Jesus,” Mike said, unable to stop himself from reaching over to settle his hand on Jay’s shoulder. 

Jay didn’t turn to look at Mike but didn’t shrug him off. He was shaking a little, still red-faced.

“So don’t call me fucking irrational,” Jay said, jaw tight. 

“I’m sorry,” Mike said, rubbing his shoulder. “You’re right. That’s so shitty. I wish-- Wish that hadn’t happened to you.”

“Yeah ‘cause then I’d be normal. Everybody wishes that eventually.” 

Jay pushed Mike’s hand off his shoulder, and when he stood up Mike thought he’d storm out of the room entirely. Jay went to the window on the opposite wall instead, and stood there with his back to the room, arms crossed over his chest. 

Mike looked to Rich for guidance. Rich gave Mike a signal like, stay put, give him some space, also maybe say something?

“I don’t wish you were normal,” Mike said. “Not even a little bit. That’s you putting your stuff on me. Which is-- Understandable, sure. But it’s not what’s actually happening. That’s just in your head, man.”

Jay’s shoulders jerked in a way that made Mike certain that had been the wrong thing to say. Mike looked to Rich, desperate for help. Rich didn’t seem alarmed by these developments, but he never really lost his expression of placid acceptance, no matter how loud and foul-mouthed Mike and Jay got with each other in his office.

“I want to go back to something we talked about when you two first came in together, if that’s okay,” Rich said. “Which is Mike’s concerns about Jay checking out completely after sex, sleeping or being unwilling to make decisions, et cetera. First off, I think based on our more recent sessions, that’s not happening so much anymore?”

“No,” Mike said when Jay just stood there with his back to them, breathing hard. “It’s, uh. I mean, we usually do something fairly involved on Saturday evenings, and after that we both go to sleep. But otherwise, uh. I’m not worried about that anymore.”

“Really.” Rich’s eyebrows went up. “That’s a pretty quick turnaround for some behavior that was really concerning you, enough so that you came to me about it.”

“Well, he’s not doing it anymore,” Mike said, not liking this line of reasoning. “So what do you want? Want me to worry about something that’s not even happening?” 

“I wonder if you’re not worrying about it more than you realize. Because it sounds like the two of you are in a pretty rigid holding pattern for now, in terms of your routines, and that’s fine, that’s okay, but I suspect there’s some lingering concern about things like potentially living together in the future, and other long term considerations, and how that would play out?” 

“First of all,” Jay said, turning from the window with a glare that he was presently directing at Rich. “I know exactly why I did that, and why I stopped, so you can both stop acting like it was some kind of fucking involuntary trance Mike put me into with his dick.”

“Okay,” Rich said when Jay left off there and only looked back and forth angrily between him and Mike. “Care to explain?”

“No, Rich, I don’t care to explain. Can we talk about something else, please? We only have five minutes left and I really don’t want to leave here feeling like this.”

“Feeling like what, Jay?” Rich asked. 

“Fucking terrible about everything!” 

Jay looked embarrassed after shouting that. He sniffed and stared at the floor, then went back to the sofa and sat down, as far from Mike as possible. 

“Okay,” Rich said. “That’s fair, you’re right, we need to wrap up soon, and a lot of this heavier stuff is best left for future sessions, perhaps. So, Jay. What would you like to talk about instead, to clear the air a little?”

Mike thought this was bullshit, letting Jay weasel away from the hard stuff, but he was also aching to wrap things up here and hold Jay in the car for a while, if Jay would let him.

Jay was quiet for a while, hands clawed over his knees, and Mike was starting to think he was just going to spend the rest of the session in angry silence when he finally spoke. 

“I’d like to tell Mike one thing about my sexual history,” Jay said. “Since he’s so fucking curious.”

“Great!” Rich said. “Go ahead.” 

Jay turned to show Mike the little nose twitch Mike loved, which was supposed to be threatening or something and only ever looked painfully adorable. Some of the raging redness had drained from Jay’s cheeks, and his eyes softened a little when he saw look on Mike’s face, which was somewhere in the neighborhood of devastating sympathy and the need to make Jay feel better combined with the terror that he could never manage it, that he was too weak.

“I used to go through these periods where I wasn’t even sure I liked sex,” Jay said. “Because my first attempts at it, after high school, with girls, were complete fucking shitshows, and then I avoided it for a long time, then I tried it with guys and it was like a revelation on one hand but also felt like this huge failure on some level, because I wanted to be good with a girl, too, at least once-- Anyway, uh. Up till I started sleeping with you, I was still open to the idea that sex with other people just wasn’t for me, even if I craved it in theory. And now I know, I just. Know I want it, so much, like this fucking-- Overdue avalanche of wanting it, because it’s so good with you, it’s what I was always wanting, looking for, everything-- Um. I’ll stop now,” he muttered, turning back toward Rich and looking at his knees. 

“You don’t have to stop!” Mike said, so exuberantly that Jay snorted and turned to grin at him. “That’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” Mike added, not dialing it back even a little and scooting toward Jay. “Jesus, just. Same with you, actually, uh. I always had sex drunk, because otherwise I got so bored by it so quickly, with whoever I was trying to be with regular-like, and then with random people it wasn’t like I was going to not be drunk with them, so. Anyway, uh. It’s-- Yeah. I wanted a real partner, someone to stick with for good who could still get my dick hard four times a day after the mystery was gone, but I wasn’t sure that existed, for me. Till you.” 

“See, though,” Jay said, leaning away when Mike moved toward him again. “The mystery, ha, you like that. So don’t ask me to explain everything so much, okay? Because once you’ve heard all the explanations and you know all the dark secrets, you might get bored.”

“Not with you,” Mike said, shaking his head. 

“How do you know--”

“You think I was asking those other people to explain themselves, to reveal their secrets? I fucking wasn’t! Nobody’s ever fascinated me the way you do, that’s all. I want to know everything because I love you like an obsessive lunatic who wants to, like, steal a lock of your hair, I don’t fucking know.”

Mike threw his hands up and looked at Rich, embarrassed. Rich looked pleased, which annoyed him. Jay was smiling a little when Mike peeked at him. 

“You’re so weird about my hair,” Jay said. 

“Fuck you,” Mike muttered, mildly. 

“No, I-- Love it, um. Nobody makes me feel--” Jay winced and closed his eyes the way he always did before he confessed something that he really wanted to hold in. “Like, special,” he said, mumbling. “No one’s ever made me feel like that except you, you just. You are obsessed with me, and. I like it. And it’s mutual.” 

“Hmm, but you never ask me about myself,” Mike said, letting this slip out casually, as if it wasn’t nearly the end of their session and as if he didn’t fret over it on a regular basis.

“Oh, I--” Jay looked stricken. He glanced at Rich for help. 

“Seems to me that you both have different ways of expressing deep affection,” Rich said. “Mike expresses it by needing to know everything, seeking information and reassurance and wanting the whole story of that person, so to speak. Jay, on the other hand, wants to trust that person not to tell him everything, as a way to show them that he feels safe with them, which is extremely important to him. Is that accurate?”

“Yes,” Jay said, staring at Rich’s knees again. 

“Sounds about right,” Mike said, his voice kinda croaky all of a sudden. He cleared his throat and told himself not to start fucking crying at the end of therapy just because Jay felt safe with him. Mike had known that already, really. Still, hearing it-- He had to bite the end of his tongue and refocus.

They were both quiet all the way to the car after leaving that session. Jay seemed okay, and Mike felt okay, but also a little hollowed out and fragile in a way he suspected Jay was feeling, too. They didn’t always fuck immediately after therapy, usually at least made it back to Mike’s place first, and when they were buckled into their seats in the car Mike looked over at Jay and waited to hear what he needed, ready to give anything. 

“Can we just go out and get wasted?” Jay asked when he felt Mike looking at him expectantly. Jay was staring straight ahead. He turned to meet Mike’s eyes when he didn’t answer. 

“Sure,” Mike said, because it had been a while since they’d been anything but slightly tipsy together and that sounded wonderful, even if it wasn’t the most mature response to what had just happened up on the twelfth floor. “We could make a whole night of it downtown, if you want,” Mike said, sensing Jay needed some kind of change in their routine, like Mike did, after having Rich call their fragile domestic compromises a ‘holding pattern’ and ask if they were anxious about how to move forward into some kind of real future together. “We could get a hotel room and everything,” he added, though he couldn’t afford that.

He didn’t mind, though, just like he didn’t mind that he couldn’t afford Rich’s therapy bills, because Jay beamed at him like Mike had just saved him from the jaws of some miserable emotion he didn’t want to be having, and that was all Mike ever wanted to do, broke or not. 

“Perfect,” Jay said. “Yeah, let’s-- Let’s just fucking tie one on, please. We’ll be hungover at work tomorrow, but who cares. It’ll be Friday.” 

“Damn straight,” Mike said, and he started the car. “Also. C’mere for a sec.”

“Come-- Where? Oh.” 

Jay took his seatbelt off when Mike did, and leaned into his arms. Mike held him for maybe twenty, thirty seconds, hugging him tight and resting his head on Jay’s shoulder, his face tucked in against Jay’s throat, then let him go with a kiss to the side of his neck and reached for his seatbelt again.

“Thanks,” Mike said, hot across his cheeks.

“No problem,” Jay said. He reached over to pat Mike’s leg, then left his hand there.

They got a room at the Hilton Garden Inn that was in walking distance of the bars Jay had in mind and took the lube from the glove compartment up to the room after check in, joking on the ride up in the elevator that lube was their only luggage, all they really needed. Jay was on Mike as soon as they walked through the door of the room. Mike had expected this, based on Jay’s quiet, somewhat frantic energy on the way there, and was glad to confirm that Jay needed him even more than he needed a drink, or at least more immediately. Mike took charge and put Jay on his knees for a blow job, not wanting to dirty him up too much before they went out. Jay stared up at Mike with grateful doe eyes almost the entire time he sucked him off, until Mike was groaning and coming hard. It was the first time they’d done anything but kiss goodnight since the previous Sunday, when they’d had their usual lazy day of normalcy together at Mike’s place, uncomplicated sex included.

Mike debated making Jay wait to come until after they’d been out to a few bars, maybe sucking him off in a bathroom stall, but ultimately he wanted his mouth on Jay’s straining prick too much bother with edging him. He put Jay on the pristine hotel bed, stretched out alongside him and teased him for only as long as it took to get him begging and pushing his hands up under his own t-shirt to rub his nipples while Mike gave him little love bites on the insides of his shaky thighs. Mike took him in his mouth and sucked him to completion in record time, feeling proud of himself. He’d never given a single shit about sucking cock before Jay, and certainly not about being good at it, but Jay was singular and special and Mike was glowing when he scooted up to kiss Jay’s panting mouth, happy just to have done a good job for him.

So maybe he got where Jay was coming from on that front, a bit.

They walked to McGillycuddy’s and started off with shots. It was chilly out but not cold, and they went out to the beer garden once they had pints, near the outdoor fireplace, standing close to each other amid the crowd of after work drinkers. Jay’s eyes got bright after two pints, and Mike felt the last of his own anxiety draining away, too. It felt good to huddle close to Jay in a crowd and let Jay press against him a bit as he got drunker and the night got colder, and every laugh Mike got out of Jay felt better than ever. They’d both needed this, to just be away from the routine and the shop and partially away from even their overloaded minds for a while. 

They moved on to the next place, then the next. At one point they shared a soft pretzel. Mike felt surprisingly unhungry, loose and light on his feet, almost like he had on bar crawls as a youngster. He hadn’t gone out to rowdy city bars in forever, usually sticking to the ones close to the shop that he could walk home from if he had to. 

“You never took me with you when you went to the city,” Mike complained when he was properly drunk. Despite the hurt-feelings nature of this remark, he was grinning, sitting close to Jay at a packed brewery-based restaurant bar and working on the beer back to the shots they’d just finished. 

“When I went to the city when?” Jay asked, swooning toward Mike and slurring a little. Mike thought Jay probably needed more food soon. He rubbed Jay’s back and tried to remember what he’d been talking about.

“Oh-- When you, on Friday nights, uh. You’d go out with Josh or someone else or by yourself, right? To cool downtown bars? Leaving the old Mike-ster at home?”

“Eugh,” Jay said, laughing and rearing away from him. “Don’t call yourself that.” 

“Sorry, but you know I’m right!”

“Mike!” Jay grabbed Mike’s arm and pulled him close again, bringing his lips to Mike’s ear. “Friday’s was the night when we both went out looking to get fucked, right?”

“Right,” Mike said, because that was what he’d do back home, without Jay, in the sadder bars of the warehouse district. 

“So that’s why I didn’t bring you. I mean, sometimes I was with Josh, you know, doing regular stuff. Sometimes I just stayed home alone and did nerd shit, or felt sorry for myself, or-- But, yeah. There’s a sex club near here that I used to go to, actually.”

“What!” Mike sat up straight, eyes widening. Jay was giggling at his reaction, but Mike was kind of disturbed, even through his drunkenness. “Sex-- Club for, what. What kind of sex?”

“We could go,” Jay said, grinning. “S’right around the corner from here. I could show you. They’re open Thursdays, starting at like, eight.”

“Jesus, you know the schedule and everything.” 

“Whatever, you’re a wimp,” Jay said, flapping his hand in Mike’s face. “Forget it, you’d probably cry.”

“I wouldn’t fucking cry! Let’s go! I’m down! Actually--” Mike turned back to the bar and ordered another round of shots first. 

The sex club was not what Mike had pictured on any level. It was up a narrow flight of metal stairs at the back of a building not far from the bars, and Jay had to do some kind of secret knock on the door at the top of the stairs to get it to open. Mike had envisioned something far less seedy, more like the posh, roomy L.A.-style clubs he’d seen on TV and in movies. This was the Milwaukee version, clearly, and it was already freaking Mike out as he followed Jay inside, reminding him of the sex shop where he’d bought the blindfold and leather cuffs. He didn’t let on that he was weirded out by the musty smell of the place alone, didn’t want Jay to think he couldn’t handle it. They walked past chipped black walls in a long hallway, toward a room with music that sounded a little too tailored to the moody sythwave tastes of Jay for Mike’s liking. 

The main room was mood lit, no overhead lights and sconces that were designed to look like lanterns lining the walls. It was smaller than Mike was comfortable with, to the point that the dozen or so people hanging around in various stages of dress all looked over when Jay walked in with Mike trailing him. Jay made a beeline straight for the little bar at the back of the room, and Mike tried not to stare at anyone, surprised that at least half the people in the room were women. Maybe they were being paid, he thought, his heart hammering as he settled his fists on the bar and watched Jay order them more shots, also two bottles of beer. 

“This is not wise,” Mike said when he picked up the little shot glass full of some dweeby custom shot that Jay had asked for by name. 

“What?” Jay said, looking so fretful that Mike regretted saying anything. 

“Having more shots!” Mike said. “Cheers, though.”

He clicked his glass against Jay’s before throwing back the shot, which was too sweet, some evil combination of tequila and syrup. Jay did the same and passed Mike a bottle of beer. 

“We can sit there,” Jay said, pointing to a white couch in the center of the room. 

White, really? Mike thought, nodding and following Jay there. 

Once they were seated, Mike put his arm around Jay as casually as possible, claiming him, drank from the bottle of beer and took a better look at their surroundings, relaxing a little for the feeling of Jay eagerly leaning against him, and also because having a beer bottle in his hand helped calm him down under any circumstances. The room was lined with bed-like couches, and there were two red-lit hallways at the back that lead to what Mike assumed were private or semi-private rooms for actual fucking. Nobody in the main room was doing that, though two ladies who looked about his age were petting each other pretty brazenly on a couch in the back right corner, and a couple of guys who were peering around the room with lascivious stares while sipping from drinks had tented their pants. A small group of younger people in ostentatiously slutty clothes were dancing to the synth music in the left corner, laughing and seeming to be about as drunk as Mike felt, the room tilting a little when he turned to look at Jay.

“So this is it, huh?” Mike said, bringing his hand to the back of Jay’s neck and cupping it, squeezing a little. He felt especially possessive, could sense they were being stared at. “This is what you thought I’d be scared of? Ha.” 

“Mhm,” Jay said. He was blushing a bit, smiling just softly at the corner of his lips. “Well. It’s early on a weeknight, Mike. This place doesn’t get crazy till later, much later.” 

Mike grunted at the thought of Jay getting ‘crazy’ here, ever. He dragged Jay closer and nibbled at his ear until he did the nervous little snicker Mike loved.

“People are staring,” Mike said, murmuring this into Jay’s ear. “You like that? Like letting them see who owns you?”

“Oh fuck,” Jay said, whispering, and his eyes were closed when Mike pulled back to peek at him. Jay blinked them open and stared at Mike with a look of such worshipful surrender that Mike started to get a little bit hard and wondered if he was actually above taking Jay back to one of those rooms and having him right here in this gross fuck club. 

“Should have put a collar on you before we came,” Mike said, stroking Jay’s throat.

He felt Jay swallow heavily and checked his eyes again. There was something else in them after the mention of a collar, and Mike regretted bringing it up as if he didn’t have angst about it, too. He still looked at that one he’d wanted to buy for Jay all the time, not sure why he was hesitating to click the buttons that would send it their way. 

Mike was going to say something like: seriously, we should do that, right? But before he could he noticed one of the leering dudes from the other side of the room had approached and was looming closer, smirking. He wasn’t one of the guys who was hard in his pants, but his attention wasn’t welcome, and Mike was going to make that real clear if the guy got any closer. He was tall and far more fit than Mike, but also older and not cute, with a stubby nose and a smug grin. Jay still had his eyes locked on Mike’s face until he realized Mike was looking pointedly up at something, and his shoulders jumped under Mike’s arm when he turned and saw the guy staring down at them. 

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite footstool,” the guy said, staring down at Jay. “Long time no see, chipmunk.” 

Jay said nothing and went completely still, like sighted prey.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Mike said, rage pooling in his gut so fast and hard that for a second he thought he was going to puke. 

The guy laughed and waved, walked away. Mike stared at him, seething, his arm having locked tightly around Jay. He waited until the guy was on the other side of the room and talking to some other dudes before turning to Jay and rubbing his shoulder.

“You okay?” Mike asked. 

“What-- Yeah?” Jay forced out a laugh and gulped from his beer bottle, the color coming back to his cheeks and then burning there, spreading outward. “Just-- Yeah, I’m fine.”

Mike didn’t want to upset him by asking, but he again felt like he was going to puke, and gulped from his own beer to fight the feeling away. Chipmunk? Footstool? Oh fuck no. Mike had been wrong, and Jay was so right. They could leave all of that shit in Jay’s past. Mike didn’t need or even want to know, suddenly.

The guys on the other side of the room were glancing over at the couch where Mike and Jay were sitting, a couple of them chuckling while the guy who’d approached spoke. Mike put his fingers on Jay’s jaw and turned his head so he’d stop looking nervously over at them and focus on Mike.

“You want to go?” Mike asked, stroking Jay’s cheek with his thumb.

Jay frowned and shook his head, shrugged in a sharp little jerk of his shoulders.

“I said I’m fine,” he said. 

“Kay. C’mere, let me--” 

Mike kissed him on the lips. Jay was stiff for a moment, then he breathed out and grabbed a handful of Mike’s shirt, tugging him closer and kissing him deeply, letting everyone see. They made out like that for a while, Mike reaching down to squeeze Jay’s thighs and stroke his chest through his t-shirt, thumbing over his nipples when they got stiff. Jay calmed down and looked buzzy again after a while, but the way he hurried to finish his beer between kisses made Mike worry he was still freaked out, or maybe just too drunk. When Jay’s bottle was empty, he grabbed for Mike’s and gulped from it. 

More people came into the club, and Mike was glad for the distraction, the room having started to feel claustrophobic, his awareness of that asshole who’d called Jay a chipmunk having gotten too heightened. Having fresh faces to peer at helped, and the guy had finally disappeared into one of the hallways in back with one of his chums. 

“You know, uh,” Jay said, turning back to Mike after they’d both surveyed the new people, who’d gone over to join the younger group who were dancing. “I never came here drunk,” Jay said, blinking heavily in a way that made him seem very drunk now, like he was having trouble focusing on Mike’s face and finding his words. “And, like, I always used condoms, here. Always, okay?”

“Okay.” Mike kissed his cheek. “I’m not worried,” he said, more softly. 

“I can’t believe I brought you here,” Jay said, closing his eyes and forcing out a laugh. 

“It’s fine, Jay. I like letting other people see us together,” Mike said, muttering this into Jay’s ear, so he’d hopefully stop feeling like he was being judged. It was true, also. Mike rubbed Jay’s shoulder until Jay locked eyes with him again. “It’s hot,” Mike said, bumping his nose against Jay’s face. 

“Mhm.” Jay looked down at Mike’s beer bottle, but just touched the neck when Mike held it over to offer the last few sips. “You know, uh. Ha. I, um. I let Mandy watch a guy fuck me, once.” 

Jay lifted his eyes to Mike’s, then looked down at the bottle again, moving his nervous fingers around the neck. Mike’s heart was slamming, and the pukey feeling was back, but he didn’t want to show Jay he was freaking out, didn’t want to freak out at all. He’d asked to hear about this shit, hadn’t he? Many times. 

“What was that like,” Mike asked, dread rising up at the back of his throat.

“It was for my birthday,” Jay said, as if that answered Mike’s question. His voice was still slurry, and he seemed to be considering his words as carefully as he could in the state he was in. “I asked, you know, as a present. For this. And the guy, he was just some random weirdo we found at a bar like this one. Not this bar. It was in Chicago. We went there for the weekend, and-- The idea, okay, the thing we told the guy, was that I couldn’t get it up for her, my girlfriend, so as punishment he was gonna fuck me in front of her while she called me all these names--”

“Jesus,” Mike muttered, unable to hold it in.

Jay’s eyes flicked up to Mike’s, his brow pinching before he looked back down at the bottle, working on peeling the label off now. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “It was bad. I mean, good-- Like. Holy shit, I came so hard, ha.”

Mike swallowed the lump in his throat, but it rose right back up. He wanted to drink the last of the beer, but didn’t want to pull the bottle away from Jay’s hand, since Jay seemed to need something to focus on while he said all this.

“But,” Jay said, so softly that Mike’s heart literally, physically hurt. “But after, like. After the guy left, I thought-- Oh, shit, we didn’t-- We didn’t tell him it was a game. We didn’t explain, when we were done, that I asked for this, so. This guy’s gonna be walking around thinking, uh. That it was real, and. For some reason that just, like, fucking. Destroyed me, in the aftermath. And I didn’t want Mandy to think I didn’t know what I was doing, so I pretended to be fine, but she could see that I wasn’t. We fought, we broke up-- She left me there in Chicago, after that. And I don’t blame her, at all, because I said some vile shit to her during that argument, but. Oh god, that was the worst, like. Worst night of my life, probably.”

“Jay,” Mike said, and the way his voice broke seemed to be exactly what Jay didn’t need to hear, because he looked up at Mike like he was pissed off, and then like he was going to lose it and break into tears. 

“So you, you wanted an example,” Jay said, making his voice as hard as he could manage to. “Of what not to do-- You’d never, never want to do that, would you? To watch while someone else--”

“Jesus christ, no!” Mike kissed Jay’s cheek, his forehead, felt feverish with the need to be elsewhere but didn’t want to seem too panicked, for Jay’s sake. “Never,” Mike said, holding Jay’s gaze as best he could while Jay blinked rapidly. “I’d never ask you to do that, no.” 

“And if I asked for it,” Jay said, swallowing so he could continue speaking, “You’d tell me no, right?” 

“That’s right.” Mike pet Jay’s cheek, then lowered his hand when he realized how hard it was shaking. “I would fucking hate that. You know me. I want you all for myself, always. Nobody else gets to touch you, ever.” 

Jay exhaled and nodded. He lifted the beer bottle to his lips. His hand was shaking, too, and he pinched his eyes shut tight when he drank down the last of the beer. 

“Can we leave?” he asked, voice barely working. 

Mike nodded and stood, Jay’s hand in his, and lead him away from the people who were watching them go, down the dark hallway with chipped black paint, and out in the merciful air outside, where even the stink of the alleyway felt preferable to the smell in that club. 

Walking back toward the hotel, they made it just a few blocks before Jay had to stop and throw up in a different alleyway. Mike hovered over him, protecting him as best as he could from onlookers, but one guy still whooped and laughed as he passed by on the street.

“Ey, it’s not even the weekend yet, mate!” the guy said, in a fake Australian accent, for some reason.

“Fuck off!” Mike shouted back, which got another laugh from the guy and his whole group of friends. 

Jay had straightened up when Mike turned back to him, was spitting and wiping at the corners of his mouth, one hand braced on the side of the building he’d just puked onto.

“Why was that guy Australian?” Jay asked, his voice pitiful and torn up when Mike helped him walk away in stumbling steps. 

“I have no idea,” Mike said. “You okay?”

“No,” Jay said, wiping at his mouth. His eyes were a little wet, just at the corners. “Fuck, I’m so-- Sick, I drank too much, why’d I take you to that place, what the _fuck_ is wrong with me--”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Mike hugged his arm around Jay’s back and helped him away from the alley, back toward the street. “Nothing’s wrong with you, everything’s fine. We’re almost to the hotel. You’ll feel better once we’re there.” 

Jay went quiet and walked at Mike’s side miserably, letting Mike’s arm stay around him all the way to the hotel lobby. Once they were there Jay squirmed free, but when they were alone in the elevator together he let Mike hold him against his chest while they rode up to their floor. 

“I’m sorry,” Jay said when they were in the hotel room, Mike helping him get undressed for a shower.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Mike said, petting Jay’s messed up hair back into place as much as possible. “God knows you’ve seen me drink one too many and puke, plenty of times.”

Jay just shook his head. Mike knew that wasn’t what he was apologizing for. 

They took a shower together. Jay didn’t seem to want to talk, and eventually was falling asleep on his feet, his cheek resting against Mike’s chest. Mike helped him into bed and considered ordering room service, then thought it might freak Jay out to have a waiter come to the door. He seemed to be passing out in bed already anyway, naked and pushing his legs under the blankets when Mike held them up for him. Mike was still pretty drunk and felt totally incapable of handling this on any level, except for climbing into bed with Jay, putting out the lights and holding him close under the blankets, which was what he did. 

“Mike,” Jay said, after a while, when Mike was close to drifting off, his face buried against the top of Jay’s head. 

“Hmm?” Mike said, stirring awake and thinking he might have to help Jay into the bathroom to get sick again. 

“Please,” Jay said, his hand clutching at the chub on Mike’s side, squeezing. “Please, I’m so sorry-- I waited so long for you, and now-- Please don’t think I’m a creepy little freak, please--”

“Hey, no,” Mike said, trying to shift down and look Jay in the face. Jay wouldn’t let him, was clinging too hard, his face pressed to Mike’s throat. “I’d never think that,” Mike said, smoothing his hand down over Jay’s back while his heart started to pound, waking him up fully again. “C’mon, you know-- You know how much I love you, right?”

Jay had fallen asleep, may have even been talking in his sleep. Either way, he didn’t answer. 

Mike lay awake for as long as he could, wanting to stand guard and protect Jay all night long, as if men from that club were going to come to the hotel room door one by one and try to break in, to get him. When Mike finally fell asleep he had awful dreams about being stuck in traffic while trying to get to Jay, who was at an abandoned elementary school, which was haunted by evil spirits and presided over by a sadistic, strangling janitor. Jay was waiting, scared, in danger, and night was falling, but the cars weren’t moving, and even when Mike abandoned his car in the middle of the road and tried running to get to Jay, new obstacles appeared: mudslides, impossible to scale cliffs, and an evil guy with a bow and arrow who kept shooting at him from the trees, laughing. 

In the dream, Mike barely cared about the arrows that landed in his back. He just knew Jay was waiting, had been waiting too long, and would give up soon, thinking Mike wasn’t coming, that he’d forgotten or that he hadn’t cared at all. Jay would succumb to all the stuff in that far away place that wanted to hurt him, believing Mike had abandoned him. 

When Mike woke up, he knew Jay was with him before he remembered where they were, and it was a relief despite the massive, piercing headache that crashed into Mike’s consciousness before he’d even fully opened his eyes. Jay was awake but trying not to be, wincing through his own hangover. Mike rolled over and cursed when he saw the bedside clock. It was ten after eight. They were supposed to be at the shop for their shift, and it would take at least half an hour to drive there in morning rush hour traffic.

“We can’t both call in sick,” Jay said when Mike turned back to him. Jay was pale and shaky, and he moved away when Mike tried to resume cuddling. “C’mon,” Jay said, his voice thick with exhaustion, pain, regret. “We have go, we’re gonna get in trouble.” 

They were both quiet on the ride in to work, suffering. Mike tried to strike up a mundane conversation a few times, but Jay winced and waved him off, complaining about his headache. They were wearing the same clothes they’d had on the day before, both looking and feeling like crap. Jay's hair was ungelled in a way that made him look tragic, outright pitiful. Mike considered pulling his boss card and taking Jay home to his apartment, ordering him to rest while Mike handled the shift, but he wasn’t ready to be apart from Jay after the night before, and he suspected Jay felt the same.

This was confirmed for Mike when they got to the shop, where Jay immediately started a pot of coffee, went into the bathroom to wash his face in the sink, then returned to pour coffee into two mugs. He set one on the counter for Mike, and set the other one down for himself. Before taking his seat, without looking Mike in the eye, he leaned in against Mike’s chest and put his arms around Mike’s neck, squeezing in close and hugging him like his life depended on it. Mike wrapped his arms around Jay and held him tight, comforted but concerned. Jay never just stopped what he was doing to give him a hug, and they’d been careful about not touching too much at the shop anymore. 

“What was that for?” Mike asked when Jay let go of him and went to his seat, picking up his mug. 

“Nothing,” Jay said. He blew through the steam rising from his mug, gave Mike a little glance and sipped some coffee. 

“Do you-- Want to talk, or--”

“No, my head still hurts.” 

Jay was blushing. He seemed okay, for now. Mike was just glad they were together, and that they could spend the whole day quietly recovering and drinking coffee, probably not talking about it. 

By lunchtime they had their appetites back. Mike went to Taco Bell to pick up lots of garbage food and two huge sodas. He expected Jay to at least groan when he returned to the shop with it, but Jay ate like a pig alongside Mike at the table in back, which was almost as heartwarming as that hug had been.

“Plans tonight?” Mike asked when they were back out at the front counter. They never spent Friday night together, but he was beginning to wonder if they should make an exception.

“Josh wants me to come over and talk about this project with him,” Jay said. “Which probably means smoking weed and listening to music and falling asleep while he talks, considering how tired I am already. I should cancel.”

Jay glanced over at Mike uncertainly. 

“You might feel better later,” Mike said. “I’m, uh. Feeling better, myself. Mostly.”

Mike didn’t want to pull Jay away from his friend, back into his orbit, and though Mike didn’t care for the stuff himself he thought getting mildly high and falling asleep to the tune of hipster vinyl might actually be a good thing for Jay, after last night. 

“Guess I’m gonna head over to Josh’s place,” Jay said when it was almost five o’clock. 

“Okay,” Mike said. “Have fun. Tomorrow, we'll--"

"Yeah," Jay said, not needing or wanting Mike to spell it out.

Jay always came over at the same time on Saturday mornings. Mike had given him his own key so he could let himself in and undress while standing on the tiles in the foyer and waiting for Mike to appear and give him instructions. Once Mike had told him via text the night before to come into the bedroom after undressing and get in bed with him, that he wanted to wake up to Jay’s mouth on his cock. Mike had been too excited about this to actually stay asleep when he heard Jay coming in, but he pretended to be asleep, and it was still extremely hot to feel Jay’s trembling hands on him as he moved Mike’s heavy body into position, then put his mouth just where Mike had told him to. 

They kissed goodnight before Jay left the shop, both holding on a little longer than they usually did. Mike cupped Jay's face in his hands when they lingered to gaze at each other afterward, sweeping his thumbs over Jay’s cheeks. He wanted to say so many things, but the actual words weren’t there, just the sentiments. 

“See you tomorrow,” was all he managed to say, when Jay finally stepped back and headed for the front door. 

At home alone, Mike had a beer and thought for a while about how tomorrow should go. His first impulse was to coddle Jay all day long, to give him extra praise and only soft attention, full leeway to get out of being punished. He thought Jay might hate this, though, or panic about things changing because Mike had peeked behind the curtain of his past, as if Mike being soft with him in response would mean Mike was clearly spooked or pulling back or--

Mike groaned and held his half empty beer over his face, grimacing. He wished he could just ask Jay what he wanted, but he understood the appeal of having to guess it, both for his own pleasure at being right so often and because for Jay that was everything, the biggest relief and the ultimate sign of trust. What Jay needed was to not say what he needed, and it was torture for Mike at times but also one of the reasons Mike loved him, beacuse everything about Jay was just another reason Mike loved him. 

It took Mike a few hours of serious, mostly sober thinking to figure out what his approach was going to be when Jay showed up in the morning. He went shopping for a few things he still required for one scenario he’d been planning and thinking about for weeks but had been too embarrassed to actually try yet. It was either brilliant or a huge miscalculation. He considered that it might be safer to just do things as usual, without softening his approach or adding anything new, but he felt like he needed to do something special to show Jay everything was okay after that nightmare with the man at the club and Jay’s awful story about Mandy leaving him broken and alone in Chicago after he’d told her what he wanted and she’d done it for him, to the letter.

Mike couldn’t stop thinking about that, but he wanted to, for Jay’s sake. Every time he started to picture what that must have looked like, felt like, or what sort of unrehearsed insults Mandy had said while Jay was being fucked by some random man, he forced himself to unclench his teeth and refocus on what he had in mind for the following day.

When Jay arrived that morning, Mike was waiting for him, sitting on the living room sofa. He’d put on music that sounded vaguely mystical, some low-fi synthwave stuff that had a fantasy video game-ish feel. There was a turkey cooking in his oven, also part of this game. Jay sniffed the air when he walked in, looking cute and well-rested in a burgundy hoodie unzipped over his t-shirt and jeans.

“You’re cooking?” he said, shrugging off the hoodie and stepping out of his shoes. 

“Yep,” Mike said, standing. “How’re you feeling? Hangover all gone?”

“Yeah,” Jay said, and he pulled off his t-shirt. “Is that-- What are you cooking?”

“You’ll find out later.” 

“What’s this music-- Oh.” Jay grinned. “Do you want me to shut up and go with it?”

“Yes, that would be good. Take your pants off for me. Good boy.” 

Jay was still grinning, not completely playing the game until he stepped off the tiles and onto the carpet. His dick stayed soft even when he was fully naked, and Mike started to panic about how dorky his plan suddenly seemed, but there was no going back now. 

“When you step off those tiles,” Mike said, walking into the kitchen to fetch the box of accessories he’d stowed there, out of sight. He set it on the floor and opened it with a sigh, reaching in to grab the first item he’d prepared for this. “You will be Link,” he said, holding up the floppy green triangle hat he’d had Tracy make for him, refusing to tell her why. She owed him one. “And I’ll be Ganon,” he said, blushing terribly. 

Jay just stared for a moment, frozen in what appeared to be shock. Then his shoulders jumped, his lips started to curl upward, and he slapped both hands over his mouth when he started laughing.

“Oh my god,” he said, his voice muffled by his hands, eyes bright. “Holy shit.” 

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” Mike said, the burning feeling on his face shooting down the back of his neck and making him start to sweat. 

“Nuh-- No, this is, um.” Jay bit his lip, beaming. Then he was laughing again. His eyes were fucking sparkling, and Mike knew plenty of that was his amusement at what a fucking dork Mike had been, arranging this, but he seemed happy, too, maybe even delighted. “This is amazing,” Jay said. “Can I-- Can I put the hat on?”

“Get that smirk off your face, first. You’re my prisoner, Link. And I’m not gonna go easy on you just because you’re cute.”

Jay laughed again, shoulders bouncing and lips pressed together to try to contain it, attempting to force his face into a serious expression. He was blushing, too, and couldn’t seem to stop smiling. 

“Mike,” he said. 

“What, Jay, what?”

“Nothing, um. I’ll be good. Just give me a sec.” 

Mike pulled the other stuff he had in the box out, to get Jay’s mind on being chained up: fake gold cuffs and a skinny gold band that would lock around his neck, plus shiny plastic chains painted gold. Jay looked far more serious and interested when he saw the makeshift collar. 

“Here’s the deal, Link,” Mike said when Jay had stepped forward to take the green hat from him. “You’re mine now.”

Jay hurried to put the hat on and nodded. 

“You’re okay with that?” Mike prompted, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh-- No, please.” Jay sank to his knees, slowly, keeping his eyes on Mike’s face. He was getting hard now, which felt like the great triumph of Mike’s life, in the moment. “I’ll never belong to you,” Jay said, faking anger, as Link.

Mike had found the stories online. The artwork, too. All of it was worse than Jay had even suggested, really ridiculous, but there was something cute about it, too, because it had been formative for Jay in some way that was more embarrassing than even watching filthy fuck films or whatever everybody else did at that age. 

“Hold out your arms,” Mike said, lifting the gold bracelets, the chains. “You’re defenseless here. All your weapons gone. Not even a shred of clothing as armor. You’re lucky I let you keep your little hat.” 

Jay made a pathetic face, faking defeat, and held out his wrists, lowering his head as he did. 

They’d never done anything with costumes before, and the mood of the whole thing was pretty lighthearted. Mike didn’t issue any punishments, just gave Jay mocking slaps on the ass. Most of Jay’s assignments were easy, anyway: to put his head in Mike’s lap while Mike fed him grapes, to suck Mike’s monster cock, and to take a bite of a turkey leg while Mike took a picture with his phone-- breaking character, he supposed, but Jay looked too fucking cute in that hat, with his teeth closed around a turkey leg and his hands bound behind his back, glaring at Mike, who couldn’t not have a picture.

By sundown Mike was getting tired of staying in character, and he could see that Jay was, too. He could also see that Jay was happy, smiling easily and loose-limbed, only tensing up right before he came, which he’d done three times by six o’clock.

“Where’d you even get these?” Jay asked, lifting his wrists so that the fake gold cuffs would glitter in the waning light that crept in through the blinds over Mike’s living room windows. 

“Amazon,” Mike said. He was petting Jay’s chest, his head tilted back onto the sofa that was supposed to be his throne, Jay reclining in his lap as instructed.

“Your online shopping history is getting interesting,” Jay said. 

“You done for now?” Mike asked, stroking Jay’s beard.

“I think so,” Jay said, and he grinned up at Mike. His eyes had been sparkly all day, extra green somehow. Maybe it was the hat. “Thanks for this,” he said, reaching up to pull it off. 

“How dare you assume this was for you.” 

“I can’t believe you made a fucking turkey and everything.” 

“It was worth it for that picture.” 

Mike smirked when Jay laughed. He left the gold cuffs and collar on Jay while they watched TV together, Jay still naked but mostly covered with a throw blanket that he’d pulled off the back of the couch. Jay yawned and shivered a little every time Mike’s fingers brushed over his throat, against the collar. 

The next day was half spoiled by Jay having to leave early to go do some family shit. He was helping his brother with various wedding-related duties, because apparently Jay’s brief stint as a freelance wedding videographer meant that he was a free wedding planner. Mike tried not to complain much, though he thought it was absurd that Jay had even been conscripted to make the groom’s cake for this thing, because he’d apparently made the same cake for his little brother when they were kids and it remained a sentimental favorite. 

Mike also had to admit this was kind of adorable, and he left it alone. The last thing he wanted to do at the moment was touch a raw nerve regarding Jay’s family. Though Jay wasn’t close to either of his parents, he’d always seemed to like that his little brothers and sisters looked up to him and looked to him for help, even if they were asking a lot of him, in Mike’s opinion. It seemed important to Jay to demonstrate that it wasn’t his siblings he resented for how he’d been treated as a kid, even if they’d been treated much better.

Mike didn’t bring it up in therapy, and didn’t talk about what Jay had told him while drunk at that club. He was fairly sure Jay remembered everything, and after weeks went by he was certain Jay didn’t want to discuss it. There was less shouting in therapy, more mumbled discussion about what could perhaps be classified as Mike’s issues with getting his feelings hurt too easily and taking everything too personally. 

“Like that time you told me to go home right before we got in bed,” Jay said. “What the fuck was that about?”

“That was months ago!” 

“So? It was right at the beginning. It fucked me up, a little.”

“I’m sorry,” Mike said, sincerely, and then he had to admit that he’d thrown that minor tantrum just because Jay didn’t seem like he wanted a kiss. 

“You’ve made a lot of progress since then,” Rich said. “So you should be proud of that.”

Mike wasn’t sure proud was the right word, but he wasn’t ready to stop going to therapy, where they often went over and over why they should or shouldn’t keep two apartments, without ever really saying why. Mike thought it was probably too soon to obsess over this as much as he did, but he missed Jay so much on Monday through Wednesday nights, and wasn’t going to grudge him his Friday nights out with friends if they lived together.

They also fought about why Mike didn’t want to go out with Jay and his friends on Friday nights, or ever. Mike came up with a whole slew of excuses, but didn’t even realize what the real reason was himself, until they ran into Mandy when they were on their way to a movie one Sunday in late May, and Mike felt like the earth had disappeared from under his feet when he saw her notice them and lock eyes with Jay. 

“Hey!” Jay said, waving to her as if he was experiencing none of the anxiety that had frozen Mike in place. 

Mandy smiled, then her eyes shifted to Mike. He hoped she would take a hint from the look on his face and make an excuse not to stop and talk, but she’d never been big on tact, and was headed their way. She’d grown her hair out past her shoulders and was wearing a sun dress, though they weren’t really having summer weather yet. The baggy cardigan she had on over it almost looked like something Jay used to own, but maybe Mike was being paranoid. He hadn’t seen Mandy in at least a year and was surprised by how pretty she was. In his memory she was less so. He couldn’t remember if she’d had that lip ring last time he’d seen her, or the blunt bangs that suited her in a way that annoyed him and made him think of women who wielded riding crops in porn.

“What are you guys up to?” she asked. 

“Going to a movie,” Jay said, pointing to the theater they’d been walking toward. 

“Black Widow?” Mandy said.

“Eugh,” Mike said, grimacing. “No.” 

“It’s this depressing indie thing that’s supposed to be good,” Jay said. 

“Ah.” Mandy shifted her gaze back to Mike. “Haven’t seen you around in a while,” she said. 

“I guess,” Mike said. 

“You lost some weight?”

Mike looked down at himself. “Maybe.” 

“You look good,” Mandy said, nodding her approval in a way that made Mike want to tell her to shut up. “Both of you,” she said, more softly, shifting her gaze to Jay. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. “Fucking winter’s finally over, so.”

“Mhm,” Mandy said, shifting her shopping bags and lifting her hand to wave goodbye, as if talking about the weather was her cue to leave. “Well, enjoy your movie. See you guys later. Mike, you should come to Josh’s thing on Memorial Day.” 

“Who celebrates Memorial Day?” Mike said. 

“You’re coming, right?” Mandy said, ignoring that comment and backing away, speaking to Jay.

“Oh sure,” Jay said. “He’s making me help him cook.” 

“Good! Bring those cookies I like, with the dried cherries and the white chocolate.”

“Ehh, I think he wants to make pies.”

“Aw. Well, see you then.” She gave Mike a look like, you too, then walked off toward her car, swinging her hair over her shoulder. 

Mike looked at Jay when she was gone, not sure what to expect. Maybe a full meltdown, or stammering awkwardness. Jay just smiled up at him and tugged his arm.

“C’mon,” he said. “We’ll miss the stupid previews that you hate.” 

All throughout the movie, Mike was in a mood, having a hard time concentrating on what was on the screen. He kept sneaking glances at Jay, waiting to see some sign of a breakdown based on the fact that they’d seen Mandy, and that Mike had been there, and that it had been fucking terrible, except maybe for Jay it hadn’t been. He was cheerful and sweet when they went to their favorite cheapo pizza place after the movie, didn’t even seem bothered by the funk Mike was sinking into. 

It ate at Mike more and more throughout the week, how that had happened and Jay wasn’t going to say anything about it, just like he was never going to say anything about anything unless Mike dragged it out of him during therapy. 

That Thursday, Mike told himself on the drive downtown to just leave it alone. He also knew he wasn’t going to, and by the time they sat down together in Rich’s office he could barely focus on whatever intro questions Rich was asking. 

“Mike, you’re being pretty quiet,” Rich said after Jay had talked about how his week had gone: the gym, the job, the Josh project. 

“Mike’s mad at me,” Jay said. 

“What!” Mike said, turning toward him. “I am not.” 

“You are, I can tell.” Jay gave him a look, shoulders sinking. He turned back to Rich. “We ran into my ex over the weekend and Mike has been a bitch to me ever since.” 

“I have not! I told you, I haven’t been sleeping well because you’re not fucking there.” 

“I don’t sleep well without you either,” Jay said. “But you don’t want to live with me, because you’re afraid I’d be like I was when we first started fucking. Or maybe because you’re afraid I wouldn’t be.”

“That’s bullshit! I do want to-- But, okay, I am fucking pissed about how you acted about the whole Mandy thing, truth be told, sure.” 

“How I acted?” Jay scoffed and looked at Mike like he was nuts. He was also turning red. Mike had noticed that Jay was performing normalcy even for Rich in recent sessions. Which was intensely ridiculous.

“You acted like she was just some regular ex,” Mike said, bracing himself for a fight. “And not this person you’d just told me that fucking horrific story about a few weeks before, which I’ve not-- Not been able to stop thinking about, so. Seeing her was pretty fucked up, for me. And you don’t give a shit because you just want to pretend everything’s fixed and fine, you always fucking do this.”

Jay said nothing. He didn’t seem particularly enraged or upset, just looked like he was thinking. Mike found this enraging, meanwhile. He wanted to shout about this with Jay, hash it out in front of Rich, and be done with it. 

“May I ask what the horrific story Mike refers to involves?” Rich asked. 

“This is Mike’s way of making me talk about it,” Jay said, and Mike realized then that he was mad, just simmering with it so far. Mike would have to raise the heat to get him to a boil.

“Imagine that,” Mike snapped. “Trying to make you talk about something while we’re here, in therapy, paying him to listen to us talk. That’s kind of the point of this whole thing, and you’re acting like I’m being unfair? Goddammit, Jay!”

Mike had never gotten up off the sofa before during a session. He was annoyed with himself when he did, pacing across the room and dragging his hands through his hair. He didn’t want to stand at the window, because that was Jay’s tantrum space and Mike wasn’t having one of those, he was just-- He went to the mantle over the gas fireplace and braced his hands on it, breathing hard. 

“Mike,” Jay said, sounding surprisingly gentle. Even that annoyed Mike, at present. “I shouldn’t have told you that story. I’m sorry. I was drunk.” 

“I just don’t see how you can be fucking friends with someone who did that to you.” 

“She didn’t-- It was my fault, though. I fucked up not telling the guy what was really going on, and that bothered me, and I got into a godawful fight with her when I was barely in my right mind and said terrible things. I’m lucky she’s still my friend, actually, uh-- It was traumatic for her, too, and. It’s hard to put it into words, but we have a kind of bond because of it.”

“Oh god, here we go. You just--” Mike wanted to punch something. He couldn’t get the words right, even in his head. “You just love having special _bonds_ with the people who treat you like their personal punching bag, apparently.” 

“What?” Jay said, still in that soft voice, like _Mike_ was the emotional mess, like _Mike_ was the fucked up one--

“I fucking hate her, okay!” Mike said, turning to shout this so loud that Rich reared back a little in his chair. Jay didn’t even flinch, just stared up at Mike with a calm, curious expression that made Mike’s building rage worse. “She-- I _hate_ her for doing that to you, for hurting you like that, and seeing you act nice to her was like having my fucking heart ripped out!”

Mike felt like he was going to sob, then like he might hyperventilate. He turned away from Jay again and brought his fist to his forehead, eyes pinched shut. 

“Mike,” Rich said. “It’s okay to feel this way, so try not to hear this as judgment.”

“Fuck you, Rich,” Mike said, without moving. 

“What I’m hearing is guilt,” Rich said, unfazed. “I don’t know what Jay’s ex-girlfriend did, exactly, and I don’t necessarily need to know, but I think you’re projecting your guilt onto her. Or your fear of doing something that would truly hurt Jay. Does that resonate at all?”

Mike wanted to tell Rich to resonate his ass. What he actually did was take a heaving breath that felt too much like a half-sob and bite his tongue hard enough to taste blood, trying to get it together.

“Mike?” Jay said, so sad-sounding that Mike wanted to comfort him, but he couldn’t even turn around and look at Jay, because he’d burst into stupid tears if he did. 

“I just,” Mike said, when he dared talking again to combat the uncomfortable wall of silence behind him. “I just don’t want to be. The next in the line of bullies that Jay goads into going too far and then gets rid of. I don’t want to have some fucking mystical, unspoken bond over having hurt-- Hurt him. I’m sorry, I’m-- Like this, like. That I fit the pattern because I’m just the next opportunistic piece of shit in his life.”

“There’s no pattern,” Jay said. “There’s never been anybody like you in my life. Period. Ever.”

“The bully?” Mike said, having regained his composure enough to turn toward Jay. “Eliot?”

“A guy who beat me up in middle school is nothing like you, Mike.”

“He is, though! He is, and Mandy, too. Fuck, it’s-- It’s just proof that I’m either gonna lose you or destroy you, and the biggest reason I’m a piece of shit, Jay, the _biggest_ reason, is that I can’t even fucking decide which would be worse.”

Mike’s voice was fucked and gone by the time he’d gotten that out. He turned away again, felt like sinking onto his knees. 

“I’d rather be destroyed than lose you, too,” Jay said. 

That’s not the same, Mike wanted to say, but his voice was stuck in his throat in a way that would break the tenuous dam he’d built against sobbing his eyes out, so he didn’t dare a single word.

“Okay,” Rich said. “I think Mike needs a minute. Which is fine. Take your time, Mike, and feel free to interrupt if you want to. Meanwhile, Jay. I want to go back to something Mike said earlier, which I think is accurate and important.”

Mike scoffed wetly and rubbed his wrist over his face, completely aware that Rich was trying to make him feel better by giving him therapy points. 

“He implied that you have a tendency to snap into acting like everything is instantly okay after allowing yourself to vent or be honest,” Rich said. “Which is something he’s brought up before and something I’ve noticed, too. Do you want to talk about that at all?”

Mike didn’t turn around, but imagined Rich pressing his palms together in a begging gesture and implying that Jay needed to do this for Mike’s sake, to toss him a bone.

“I mean,” Jay said, sounding defensive. He sighed. “Yeah, like. You would do it, too, if you’d grown up feeling like if you put one fucking toe out of line or became even more annoyingly burdonsome you were going to be sold on the black market as child labor.” 

“Can you unpack that a little for me?”

Jay groaned. Mike stood with his back still turned on both of them, listening. 

“Look, I don’t say this about myself anymore, because I’m not sure it’s still true,” Jay said. “But I was a smart kid. I picked up on stuff, like. Emotional energy, and adult stuff that made more sense to me than the way kids related to each other, usually. I could feel my parents hoping that I’d be okay with-- Everything. Their break-up, and their marriages, the babies, the babysitting, all the stuff my little brothers and sisters got that they didn’t bother with for me because they were busy like, doing the harder stuff with them, and the more fun stuff, too, because these were the kids they’d had with the people they loved, not the mistake kid they’d had with the mistake person.” 

“God,” Mike said, wanting to pull Jay into his lap. 

“So I was aware of all that,” Jay said, ignoring Mike. Which was weirdly kind, Mike thought. Mike wanted to just stand there, listening. Maybe Jay sensed it, knew that.

“Have you ever spoken to your parents about these feelings you had as a kid?” Rich asked.

“Oh jesus, no,” Jay said. “I’d rather die.” 

“Why’s that?” Rich asked, so mildly that Mike had to hold in an inappropriate laugh.

“I just-- Okay, here’s what I’m explaining, too-- Even as a kid, I knew it would be stupid and pointless to be a dick about my bad luck. Like, did I actually think I was a worthless person? No, not really. Well, sometimes. But for the most part I was smart enough to know that was just how I was being treated, because of shitty circumstances. So I would be super nice about it. So, just-- Eager to please-- And Mike will read all kinds of shit into this, but-- Ah. At the end of the day, I just saw it as the behavior that would get the best possible result for me. I’m actually very pragmatic, like-- That’s where the pretending everything’s fine comes from. Because saying it isn’t doesn’t get me anywhere, usually.”

“Here’s what I’m hearing in that,” Rich said. Mike turned and saw Rich had his hands tented in front of his mouth, his gaze pointed up at the ceiling as if to suggest impartiality, or deep consideration. “I’m hearing that you don’t trust the people you love to actually care about how you’re feeling. And that you think, because they don’t, you might as well feign whatever feelings you believe they want you to have.”

“Oh god,” Mike said, feeling like his knees would give out.

Jay turned to frown at him. 

“What, Mike?” Jay snapped. “You think that means I don’t really love you? That everything I’ve said to you and done for you is just an act, because I’m too damaged to ever express a real feeling? Go ahead and tell me so, you’re so fucking desperate to believe it.” 

“I don’t think that!” Mike said, shouting again. “Jesus, just. Can you not understand how it terrifies me, though? That there could even be five fucking seconds where you’re smiling at me and it’s not real, when it’s really just what you think I want? Every time I’ve made you happy means the fucking world to me, you little shit! So, you-- When you’re not, but you want me to think you are-- It’s like a knife in my gut.”

Mike expected Jay to shout back, to have some refutation and answering fury. Jay just stared at him, his lips parted, eyebrows drawn together. 

“So, to recap,” Rich said when Mike and Jay just stared at each other, both breathing a little harder, “Mike, Jay is afraid you’ll consider his emotions burdensome, so he has a tendency to keep them from you. And Jay, Mike is afraid you’re hiding some pain from him, and he’s telling you he’d rather deal with it, no matter how messy, than have you smile through it for his sake. And can I point something out, gentlemen?”

Rich paused there, until they were both looking at him. 

“I wouldn’t be so bold to suggest this in most cases,” Rich said, “But you both clearly find these sessions cathartic, because you feel like you finally have permission to be honest with each other here, for different reasons. Mike feels like he can tell Jay the truth without hurting him, because I’m here to protect Jay from him, and Jay feels like he can be honest with Mike about what he’s feeling, because I’m here to tell Mike he’s not allowed to be mad about it. At the end of the day, that’s literally all I’m doing for you two. Sitting here and giving you permission to be honest.”

Rich let that sit for a while. Jay stared at the floor. Mike stared at Jay. When Jay finally dragged his gaze up to meet Mike’s, there was a kind of current that passed between them, softer than electricity but just as powerful, the kind of unseen thing that made Mike believe in ghosts and soulmates. He felt it everywhere, in his gut and his bones and down to the soles of his feet.

“Come sit,” Jay said, patting the sofa cushion beside him.

Mike obeyed, eyes downcast. He sat next to Jay, just a few inches from him. 

“Here’s another thing I don’t often say,” Rich said, and he was grinning when Mike looked up at him again. “You two fill me with hope.”

“With-- What?” Jay said, while Mike just boggled at Rich, his brow creased in disbelief.

“You have a good energy,” Rich said. “Something that reminds me of me and my wife, if I can get personal for a moment. We met when we were twelve! And got married when we were forty. So, I have a soft spot for couples who take a long time to figure it all out. Anyway. Jay. Tell me more about what it feels like for you to manage your emotions to suit the imagined expectations of your loved ones, if you can.”

The rest of their session was less eventful. Jay did most of the talking, and Mike listened without arguing, even when he thought Jay was being a little cagey. He mostly wasn’t, and he seemed lighter than usual when they left, even touched Mike’s arm in the elevator. 

Mike turned to face him, not wanting to be asked if he was okay. He was, but for once he wanted to be the one who wasn’t forced to talk about it. 

“Can I make a weird request?” Jay asked, peering up at Mike with soft eyes that made Mike again fear that _Jay_ was going to try to coddle _him_ , imagine that.

“Sure,” Mike said.

“You know that steak place near here, where we fucked in the men’s room?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Can we go there and just, like. Eat dinner?”

“Yeah.” Mike brushed his hand over the back of Jay’s head, smoothing his already perfect hair down. “Sounds good. I’m starving, actually.”

“Me too,” Jay said, and he smiled in a way that made Mike desperate to kiss him. The elevator doors were opening, so he saved it for later.

Driving there, Mike felt like his chest was ripped open in a way that somehow didn’t hurt as much as it should have. Like he’d had a chest burster in there and it was out now, but the expulsion didn’t kill him. He was walking wounded, but Jay was with him, and they somehow got a nice table at the steak restaurant, which was crowded as usual. Their table was a booth near the back, with a circular seating nook big enough for four people. Jay scooted close to Mike and asked if they could order a bottle of wine.

“Sure,” Mike said, scratching at the back of his neck. Now was not the time to bring up the fact that his never great financial situation had gotten especially dire in recent months. “You’ll have to drink most of it, though,” he said instead. “I gotta drive us back after this.”

“I’m fine with that,” Jay said. “I’ll treat, in that case.” 

“Great,” Mike said, relieved. This was going to cost at least a hundred bucks after tip.

Jay was animated and chatty, especially after a couple of glasses of red wine. Mike tried to keep up with him, energy-wise if not with the wine, limiting himself to two half-full glasses. After Jay finished a third and the bottle was nearly gone, he put his hand on Mike’s under the table and scooted a little closer.

“Does therapy ever feel like school to you?” Jay asked. “Like, maturity school, or something?”

“Sorta,” Mike said. Embarrassingly, he more often thought Rich felt like their very patient, long-suffering friend.

“‘Cause I worked up this whole sort of verbal essay I was going to give,” Jay said, grinning. He was tipsy, despite finishing a fillet and a side of mashed potatoes, plus bread from the complimentary basket. “If, you know, if Rich asked me about my parents or whatever, and he did, but then I didn’t say it. I was ready for my oral presentation, though, if I had to give it. That’s what makes me think of school, that sort of thing.”

Mike saw what was happening here, that Jay wanted him to ask. He stroked Jay’s hand under the table, then rubbed his fingertips over Jay’s wrist and forearm, up to the crook of his elbow.

Jay smiled and melted toward him a little, drank more wine.

“Tell me, then,” Mike said. “What was your essay?”

“Oh, god. It’s embarrassing, which is why I didn’t say it.” 

“The more embarrassing the better, in my book.”

Jay snorted and finished the wine in his glass, then emptied the rest of the bottle into it. He took a breath and gave Mike a buzzed appraisal, chewing his wine-stained lip.

“Growing up, okay-- This is what it felt like. This is my big metaphor that I’ve tried to use to explain it, just to myself, I guess.”

“Hit me with it,” Mike said, and he took Jay’s hand under the table, threading their fingers together. 

“It was like I was on a boat with my parents,” Jay said, staring down into his wine glass. “The boat I was born on, the only place I’d ever lived, all I really knew of the world. And it sank. Like, gradually, at first, and then all at once. And when it was gone all that was left was this little row boat that my parents put me on while they swam off in opposite directions to look for help. So I’m alone on this boat, waiting for them to come back. And first my mom comes back and she’s on this huge yacht with these new people. Then my dad comes back on another boat, and he’s got new people with him, too. And they’re looking over the bows of these new, better boats, down at me in my pathetic rowboat, and they’re like, gosh. Poor Jay. Maybe we should let him on board. But there’s two boats, which one am I gonna end up on? Well, neither of them, turns out. I just stay in the rowboat. Even when I’m allowed on board one of the bigger boats, temporarily, I’m still really always in that fucking rowboat, alone, between them, feels like.”

Jay paused there to drink more wine. Mike brought their joined hands up to his lips to kiss Jay’s fingers, then lowered them again. 

“And, um,” Jay said, licking his lips, not really looking at anything. “Then I grew up, I guess, and they were like, bye, and they sailed off in opposite directions with all their new people. And I was like, okay. I’m still in the rowboat, alone, really alone now, but I’m supposed to be alone for this part of my life, until some boat comes along like it did for my parents, some person who’ll be my person, finally, eventually. So I’m waiting, and waiting, and these boats go by in the distance, but none of them gets near to me, really. Or, if they do, and they look down and see me, and they just see it straight off, how desperate I am to be on a real boat, for good, how pathetically bad I want it, they’re just like, god. Who’d want to deal with that, and off they go.”

Poor Jay was really drunk, Mike thought, leaning over so their shoulders pressed together. It was a different kind of drunk altogether than the way he’d been when they ended up at that club. This was a controlled fall, someplace he’d wanted to get to, with liquid courage. 

“And the reason I’m telling you this,” Jay said, glancing up at Mike and then away again, still holding his hand tightly under the table, “Is because it’s why I acted the way I did when we were first together. Like, I guess you thought I was losing my fucking mind, which. I can understand now why it probably looked that way. But, listen. It’s part of the boat thing.”

“I’m listening,” Mike promised. 

“‘Cause, um. I’d given up, you know? On any boat ever coming and wanting me on board, for good. I was just gonna live in the rowboat, by myself, forever. And get rained on, and watch the sharks circling, and never get a fucking decent nights’ sleep for as long as I lived. And there’d been this boat always sorta nearby, but not close enough, and not inviting me on board. And it was yours.” 

Jay threw the rest of the wine back in two big swallows, wiped his mouth with his free hand and turned to look at Mike.

I love you, Mike thought, oh god, so much. He wasn’t going to interrupt, just wanted Jay to feel it in the space between their faces, was thinking he probably could. 

“Then one day you pulled up close to my rowboat and said, you can come up here, but only if you swab the decks. And jesus, I loved that. It took away all my fears about being allowed to stay forever. I wasn’t going to have to worry about that at all, with you. I’d do my job for you on board and go back to my rowboat. But that only lasted, like, a week. And then I just wanted to stay, so bad, up there, with you. I didn’t want to say so, to be a burden or mess up what I already had, and when you said you wanted me to stay, too, I fucking panicked. Because now all that worry was back, it wasn’t just-- A job, a game, whatever. And I told myself to keep that fucking rowboat in sight, because I was gonna need it, but god, I didn’t want to. I wanted to pretend-- Pretend everything was just gonna be okay on board your boat forever. I almost felt like-- A stowaway, like if I just stayed quiet and helpful and-- Good enough, you’d almost forget I was there.”

“Jay--” Mike said, ripped open again, painfully this time.

“No, it’s okay, shh, listen. I’m explaining why I got like that, why I’d just drop to sleep or act like-- Because one day I realized I’d stayed too long. I hadn’t checked on the rowboat. And when I looked over the bow it was fucking gone. It sank, or drifted away, but whatever, it wasn’t there anymore, so when you got sick of me, when you threw me overboard, finally? I had no place to go back to. I’d just sink, I’d drown.” 

The waiter picked this moment to intervene and ask if they wanted anything else. Mike probably snarled at him, but really had no idea what expression he had on his face just then.

“Yeah, um,” Jay said, scratching at his forehead. “Could I get like, a cognac?”

“Of course, sir.”

“And-- Do you have, like, ice cream?”

The waiter left to fetch Jay’s cognac and ice cream. Jay turned back to Mike and smiled, lifted their hands and kissed the back of Mike’s. 

“I fucked everything up with you so bad,” Mike said, unable to hold it in. “I’m lucky you still even talk to me, jesus.”

“Eh,” Jay said, lifting one shoulder. “I wasn’t great either. I panicked. I just shut down, it was like I was afraid to even move, you were right about that. And when you called me out on it, when you told me you wanted me in therapy-- Jesus. That felt like being thrown into the ocean, not even by you but by this huge fucking tidal wave I didn’t see coming, and then I was in this ice cold water, staring up at you, and you were trying to throw me a life preserver, trying to get me back on board, but I was just, like. So sure that you’d throw me overboard again that I wanted to stay in the water and drown rather than find out what it would feel like to have you tell me to get lost. And the reason I stopped, the reason I could-- Stop doing the whole semi-comatose act after sex thing, was you dove in after me and pulled my soggy ass on board and told me you loved me. And I didn’t even believe it until you wrote it on those fucking cups. Or had Starbucks write it, I guess. You know I saved them? The cups? I washed them out, at work. They’re hidden in a cabinet in the back room.” 

Mike whimpered as if stabbed and leaned over to kiss Jay on the mouth: quickly, but not quick enough to not get caught by the waiter as he delivered the cognac and ice cream. He set them both down with an apologetic smile and made himself scarce.

Jay didn’t even seem to have noticed that the waiter had come and gone. He was staring at Mike, still holding his hand. 

“So, anyway,” Jay said, when Mike just sat there trying not to get choked up, trying to come up with the perfect thing to say. Jay let go of Mike’s hand and took a sip from the cognac, made a face and had a bite of ice cream. “That’s my metaphor,” he said after he’d swallowed. 

Mike wasn’t sure how to properly respond until they got back to his place. Jay had dozed off on the drive home, and was yawning as he got ready for bed, brushing his teeth beside Mike at the bathroom sink. It was early, but they were both worn out and Jay was still a little drunk. Mike had one thing he wanted to do before they slept, though.

“Hang on,” Mike said, seated on the bed and waiting for Jay, who was wearing a tight t-shirt and his boxer shorts, some of his wardrobe having migrated back to Mike’s place over the weeks. 

“Hmm?” Jay said, pausing in his steps between the bathroom and the bed. He’d shut out the light in the bathroom, and Mike had the lights off in the bedroom, but it was early enough that there was still some soft evening light coming in through the window. 

“On your knees,” Mike said, nodding to the floor.

Jay sank down without hesitating, looking curious. They hadn’t had sex since Sunday, and Mike knew Jay wanted it, that he’d take comfort in it, same as Mike. He hoped Jay would want it like this, that he’d understand what Mike was doing.

Mike had considered using the chromecast to put on some kind of ocean music soundtrack, but decided that would be too much. He knelt at the edge of the mattress and looked down at Jay, watching Jay’s face until the soft expectation in his eyes shifted into something more like comprehension. Jay was just the right amount of drunk for this, Mike thought. He’d get it, but he wouldn’t overthink it. Mike hoped so, anyway, and held out his hand.

“C’mere,” he said.

Jay took Mike’s hand and let Mike pull him up onto the bed: on board, in Mike’s mind. Mike let himself sink into it deeper, imagining he’d just found Jay drifting alone on the water, Mike’s vessel having pulled up alongside Jay’s sad little rowboat, Mike having spotted something he wanted and bringing it up out of the water for a closer look. 

“Hmm,” Mike said, pulling Jay’s t-shirt off and tossing it aside. He ran his hands over Jay’s chest as if to appraise his condition, feeling his way over Jay’s ribs and sides as Jay started to breathe a little faster for his touch. Jay was getting hard in his boxers, which made Mike want to sing with victory, because he so needed Jay to love this, too.

Mike kissed Jay while they both knelt at the center of the bed, tipping Jay’s face back and pushing his tongue into Jay’s mouth as if exploring new territory, moaning into it. Jay answered in a soft whine when Mike pulled free. 

“You taste good,” Mike said, as part of the scene and sincerely, too, because that cognac and ice cream combination on Jay’s tongue was fucking incredible. 

“Thanks,” Jay said, and they both laughed a little. Mike kissed him again. 

Mike pushed his hands into the back of Jay’s boxers, kneading at his ass, then slid them around to the front, feeling his hard cock. Jay gasped and spread his knees a little wider, keeping his back straight, submitting to the inspection. 

“You’re getting me hard,” Mike said, bumping his erection against Jay’s thigh. Mike had boxers on, too, and a t-shirt. For some reason he wanted to do this while Jay was still partially clothed, so he left Jay’s boxers in place. “But that’s okay,” Mike said, still rubbing himself against the heat of Jay’s leg. “You look like someone who could use a big, hard cock inside you.”

“Yes,” Jay said, nodding, eyelids sinking lower. “I am, I do--” 

“Mhm, just as I thought. Lie down here, on your side, I’ll get the supplies.” 

Jay stretched out as instructed, and when Mike turned back to him he was playing with his nipples, his hips tilted so he could get a bit of friction on his tented cock. He looked pretty gone just for this, which was exactly how Mike wanted him.

“Look at you,” Mike said, skimming his hand from Jay’s shoulder down to his hip. Jay shivered and sighed. “So sweet for me, already. Looks like you’ll feel good, too.” He pulled Jay’s boxers down just in back and moaned for the sight of his bared skin as if it was brand new, palming the swell of his pale little ass. “Yes, god. You look like you’ll feel _so_ fucking good. Bet you’re nice and tight for me.” 

Jay moaned when Mike rubbed at him, sliding dry fingertips down through his ass crack before circling his hole. Mike teased him there until he was whining a little, trying to rut his cock against the mattress. Normally Mike would smack his ass and tell him to be still, be good, but he allowed this, wanted to let Jay show him just how desperate and greedy he was for every touch. 

Mike slicked his fingers and took his time with that, too, lying on his side behind Jay and not touching him anywhere else, watching him get more and more desperate to roll onto his front and really fuck the mattress. Jay didn’t do that, stayed tilted forward but technically on his side, his thighs spread as wide as he could get them with his boxers still pulled up in front. Mike knew they must be soaked, fucking loved how wet and messy Jay got for this, for anything. Mike had two fingers in him and was working at him slowly, too slow, so slow it was almost mean. He used his knuckle to rub Jay’s prostate when he had his fingers in deep. Jay shuddered all over every time Mike did it, panting and probably also drooling against the bedsheets that he’d nearly stuffed into his mouth. 

“Mike,” he finally said, in a tiny little voice, after this had gone on so long that the light had disappeared from the sky entirely and the near-full moon had risen to light the bedroom. 

“Hmm?” Mike said, stilling his fingers. “Do you need to be filled properly?” 

“Yes,” Jay said, nodding dazedly, eyes closed when Mike leaned over to peek at his flushed, sweaty face. “Oh. Please, puh, please--” 

“Mhm, well, that sounds good to me, too, truth be told. My cock’s so hard, so fucking full for you-- Here, feel it, see?”

Mike slid his aching dick along Jay’s crack, having shucked his boxers by then. Jay moaned and pressed back, groping for Mike’s hip to try to hold him there, or maybe to pull him inside.

“Seems like you’re in a similar situation,” Mike said, reaching around to feel the soaked front of Jay’s boxers, which were still pulled up over his dick. Jay hissed and pressed into the touch, burying his moan in the bedsheets. “Mhm, better leave that alone,” Mike said, letting go of him and giving him a little kiss behind his ear. “Wouldn’t want you to go off before I’m inside you. Want to feel you coming hard on my dick.”

“Oh,” Jay said, and then he was nodding, swallowing heavily. “Yes, yes’sir.” 

“What a good boy,” Mike said cheerfully, as if just discovering this. He kissed Jay’s cheek and slicked his cock, couldn’t wait any longer.

Jay moaned with shameless gratitude when Mike pushed into him, and Mike bit his bottom lip hard to hold in a similar sound, because jesus christ it felt good, had been too long, four whole miserable days without this. He clamped his leg around Jay’s hip as he sank in deeper, nudging their bodies together. 

“Ahh, you’re taking me so well,” Mike said, grabbing Jay’s bicep as he settled himself in, adjusting Jay to get himself in just a little deeper, sucking his breath in through his teeth when he did. Jay whimpered softly, panting, his fist closed in the blankets. “Never seen anyone take this big cock so sweetly,” Mike said, leaning in to rub his face against the back of Jay’s head. He smelled amazing, felt so fucking good. “Like you were made for me,” Mike said, murmuring this against Jay’s ear.

“Yes’sir,” Jay said, barely getting the words out. 

“Poor thing, I can feel how badly you need to come,” Mike said, still speaking directly into Jay’s ear, not moving inside him yet, just letting him feel full, pinned, claimed. “You can feel it even in your teeth when you need to come this badly, can’t you?”

“Yes,” Jay croaked out. “Oh god. Mike.” 

“Mhm, I’m here. Just a minute longer. God, fuck. You’re trembling, Jay. Feels so good.”

Mike pet Jay’s chest, rubbed softly at his nipples. Jay was pressing his lips together, making involuntary noises, clenching up tight around Mike’s dick. He would come as soon as Mike touched his cock, or thrust into him once, maybe even if Mike just pinched his nipples hard enough. 

“You’re doing so well, holding it in for me,” Mike said, not even sure if he meant his dick or Jay’s orgasm. Both, really. 

Jay whimpered and nodded, eyes pinched shut tight as he tried to keep being good. Mike’s hand was moving on Jay’s belly, close to the waistband of his boxers.

“Let’s see this sweet little cock, then,” Mike said, gently pulling the boxers down. 

Jay turned his face into the sheets and buried a soft, sobbing noise into them, his hips starting to twitch with a frenzied, begging energy.

“Fuck, baby,” Mike said, overcome, a flush of heat moving through him at the sight of how hard Jay was for him, for this, sticky and red, aching. “Gonna take care of you now,” he said, whispering. “Okay? You hear me, you understand what that means?”

“Yuh, yeah--”

“It means you’re mine, Jay. And you always fucking have been, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” Jay said. His eyes were closed, lashes fluttering. He was so close that his thighs had started shaking against Mike’s in shuddering tremors. 

“Come for me,” Mike said, dragging his thumb up along Jay’s shaft as he shifted his hips back, pulling his cock out almost to the tip before shoving back in, punching a gasp out of Jay. “There you go,” he said, because Jay was already pulsing in his hand, shouting in wordless relief. “Fuck, yes, let it out, fucking-- Yeah, good boy. God, you come apart so pretty for me, gonna fuck you now--”

Mike pumped the last drops from Jay’s dick before rolling him onto his stomach and spreading his legs around Jay’s hips, nailing him to the mattress with blunt, heavy thrusts. Jay moaned and sucked Mike’s fingers into his mouth when they pressed there, bit down softly when Mike really started fucking him hard. It felt like a thank you, combined with Jay’s soaking wet mouth and the muffled sounds he was making while Mike fucked into his mouth with his fingers, wanting to be everywhere inside him, wishing he could last all night like this. 

He couldn’t, but time felt fluid when he finally unloaded in Jay’s ass, and he wasn’t even sure how long they’d been at it, only that it was dark outside and Jay was breathing hard beneath him, flattened out and surrendered, arms pushed up over his head. 

“Fucking-- fuck,” Mike said, eloquently, when he could speak again.

Jay whimpered underneath him as if in agreement. 

Mike pulled out of him and kissed the back of his flushed neck, rolled him onto his side and stretched out alongside him, facing him. Jay was heavy-lidded and sleepy-looking, smiling. 

“Mike,” he said, pushing his hands onto Mike’s sweaty chest. It was hot enough that night, at least in Mike’s bedroom, to finally feel like summer was coming for real. 

“Listen,” Mike said, still breathless from exertion but needing to say this now. He put his hand on Jay’s face and waited for Jay to open his eyes a little wider, to focus on Mike’s. “This is where you belong. Forever, for good. With me. There’s no fucking restrictions, nothing you could ever do to scare me away or make me change my mind. And if you ever need me, or just want me, you only have to say the word, or just show up. There’s never gonna be a time or a reason when I won’t drop everything to take care of you. Never gonna be anyone in my life I love even half as much as you. You’re my only crewmate, my co-captain. I don’t need, don’t want anyone else.”

Jay exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath while Mike spoke. He blinked rapidly and finally just closed his wet eyes, wiped at the corners and pressed his face to Mike’s. 

“Okay,” Jay said, pushing his hand up over Mike’s still-pounding heartbeat. 

“Okay,” Mike agreed. He wrapped his arms around Jay. They stayed like that for a long time, lying horizontal across the bed while their sweat cooled, drifting through what at least for Mike was nothing like sleep, though his mind was sorta elsewhere. It was like being on an ocean, he thought, feeling the faint, calm rocking of the water while aboard a sturdy craft. Jay pushed his leg up in between Mike’s at one point, slid his arm around Mike’s back and held on tight. 

Mike went to Josh’s party with Jay on Memorial Day weekend, dreading it but unwilling to make Jay keep doing this stuff alone. He wasn’t alone anymore, and Mike needed him to always know it. When they pulled up to Josh’s house and parked among a line of other cars, Jay was holding a pie he’d made, and had a giant pot of uncooked corn cobs wedged between his legs on the floor of the car. He turned to give Mike a nervous glance.

“You know Mandy’s going to be there, right?” Jay said.

“Yeah,” Mike said, surprised he was bringing it up at all. “I remember.”

“Just, you know--”

“Don’t worry.” Mike reached over to rub Jay’s leg. “I’m not gonna be a dick to her.”

“Okay,” Jay said, looking unconvinced. 

“I feel sorry for her,” Mike said, which was true, though he also felt smug about it. “She had you and she lost you. That’s-- I can’t even imagine, jesus. I’d lose my fucking mind.”

Jay wrinkled his nose a little and smiled. 

The party was half boring, half okay, and the okay half was better than Mike expected. He had a couple of beers and talked to some people he hadn’t seen in a while. Mandy showed up with a short guy who was not even a tenth as cute as Jay, and Mike felt like a fucking king every time Jay was at his side, laughing and sun-kissed, certifiably the best person at the party, also in the world, and Mike’s person, somehow, too.

*


	13. Chapter 13

Jay’s brother’s wedding was on a Saturday in late June, at an event hall on the lakefront, not far from the steak restaurant where Mike had heard Jay’s boat metaphor speech and also fucked him in the men’s room. Mike would always feel sentimental about the place, and as they drove past it on the way to the wedding, the car loaded down with stuff Jay had been tasked with bringing to the ceremony, he wondered what counted as their one-year anniversary, thinking he’d buy Jay a steak dinner at that place for the occasion. 

“Would you say the day we got together is that day I spanked you at work?” Mike asked. “Or, like, the first time we kissed? Or the first time you stayed over, or when I brought you those coffees--”

“Mike, please,” Jay said, wincing like the subject pained him. “I can’t think about this right now. Do you hear this?” He held his phone in Mike’s face, his other hand securing the groom’s cake that was settled in his lap. “They’ve texted me twelve times since we left.”

“Who’s ‘they’?” Mike asked, though he could guess.

“My brother,” Jay said, scrolling through messages. “And my other brother, my mom, my aunt, and my fucking stepmother, because apparently I’m in charge of finding my sister free parking?”

“Eh, fuck ‘em all,” Mike said. “Except maybe your brother. The one who’s getting married, I mean.” 

“Clint,” Jay said, as if Mike didn’t remember the guy’s name. 

“That’s such a redneck name,” Mike said.

“Not helpful.” 

“Sorry.”

“And, just--” Jay groaned and put his phone in the cupholder, dragged his hand over his face. He looked hot in his suit and tie, perfectly groomed for the occasion and flushed across his cheeks because it was already eighty degrees at eleven o’clock in the morning, or because he was, for some reason, nervous about this bullshit. He’d been tense and moody for days. “Just don’t go into this ready to hate everybody, please,” Jay said, giving Mike a look. “I know I complain about my parents and the past and all that shit, but they’re not like, evil, or against me or anything, they’re just-- It is what it is, and I don’t want you to be rude to anyone today, please?”

“I’m not three years old, Jay. I know how to conduct myself in public.” 

“Right, well, this isn’t just public, it’s the first time you’ve met any of them--”

“I’ve met your brothers! And that one sister.”

“Stephanie,” Jay said. He threw up his hand. “Whatever, you don’t have to remember names. Just smile and let me do my thing with them.” 

Mike grunted in agreement, though he objected to Jay doing ‘his thing’ for his family, which was to let them make him the designated servant on occasions like this. Jay had spent his whole Friday night making the cake that was sitting in the covered container in his lap, had been the designated driver during his brother’s bachelor party, and had called in all sorts of favors with his host of artistic friends for booking family discount deals on flower arrangements and live music. 

What about saving those favors for your own wedding, Mike had wanted to ask, though he knew there would never be one. Neither Mike nor Jay had interest in being married. Jay’s family didn’t know that, though. 

Mike tried not to let Jay’s palpable anxiety and constant texting get to him. Soon this fucking wedding would be over, and they could enjoy the rest of the summer without the attendant stress. It had already been the best summer of Mike’s life, even with the wedding looming. He’d started going to the gym with Jay twice a week, finally too sick with love to resist the extra time with him, and was feeling better than he had in years. They also reliably had amazing sex when they got home after working out together, which was a bonus and a motivator to continue. Usually on gym nights they stayed at Jay’s place. On Tuesdays Mike took the night off from the gym and played bar trivia with Tracy and her friends, who all wanted to fuck him and pretended to find it adorable that he had a boyfriend, which was a weekly ego boost, especially in combination with the fact that he was really good at trivia. Every other Thursday they went to see Rich. Otherwise it was a date night. Mike was still broke, but not so much that he was missing rent payments, and he would have barely cared if it was. He wanted an excuse to move in with Jay, anyway.

He wasn’t sure why that hadn’t happened yet, or why he hadn’t yet given Jay the leather collar that he’d finally ordered, which was still hidden in the fancy purple box it had arrived in, stuffed into a corner at the back of Mike’s closet. Maybe it was still there because it was artifact that represented the divide between before and after therapy, or maybe Mike was just a coward. Jay still wore his training collar some Saturdays, if they were in the mood for that kind of scene, but Mike had no idea what the qualifying moment would be when Jay earned the real one, and some part of him was just waiting to come up with the perfect concept for a culmination ceremony or speech, anything that would make it sufficiently special but not overly cheesy, because putting a sex collar on someone really shouldn’t be an occasion for cornball emotions, he felt.

Also, they’d already done the cornball emotional stuff. 

“Oh here we go,” Jay said, muttering angrily. Mike was stopped at a red light, and he glanced over to see Jay’s stepmother’s name on his phone’s screen. “Hi, Meredith,” Jay said when he answered. Mike was proud of him for sounding faintly annoyed, at least, and also for putting the call on speaker. It felt like a signal that he was willing to accept Mike’s moral support to get through this day. 

“Jay,” she said. Her voice was worse than Mike had imagined it, simpering and sarcastic at the same time. “Did Stephie call you?”

“No, I think she found a spot on East Knapp.” 

“She can’t walk that far! In her dress? In those shoes?”

“Well--”

“I’m going to tell her to call you,” Meredith snapped, and she hung up. 

“Wow,” Mike said. 

“Don’t,” Jay muttered, putting the phone back in the cupholder. “It’s fine. She’s stressed out because she knows she’s gonna see my mom.”

“I don’t get why they’re even coming.” 

“I’ve explained this. My brothers and sisters are friends, it was a small town, they found out one of their parents used to be married to my other parent and they thought it was funny.”

“Okay, so that’s your siblings, but the parents--”

“It’s a small farming community, Mike! Everybody in fucking town is invited. I’ve told you, my parents are friends now. They didn’t hate each other after the divorce, because they both were like, oh, that was stupid, my new marriage is a thousand times better, have a nice life.” 

Mike grunted. He supposed he did know this, that some of Jay’s angst about the whole thing stemmed from how cheerful everyone was about the break up, once the hard part was over, when Jay became the only remnant of the hard part. 

“I’m just glad you got the hell out of there,” Mike said. 

“Out of-- Where?”

“The farming town.”

“Oh fuck, well. There was no way in hell I was staying there.” 

“And you made it to the big city of Milwaukee! Where you found me.” 

Mike grinned and slapped Jay’s knee, trying to cheer him up.

“Careful!” Jay said, swatting at him. “You’ll knock the cake over.”

Mike rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long, miserable day. He made himself think about tomorrow morning, when this shit would be done with and they’d hopefully be only mildly hungover from enjoying the open bar at the reception. Mike was fully prepared to leave his car at the venue and Uber home if the night took a turn toward drunken fun. He’d even fantasized about Jay getting blitzed enough to chew his stupid parents out a little, though he knew that was a nightmare scenario for Jay, and for Jay’s sake would try to stop it if it actually happened. It was still fun to think about, in theory.

They parked at the venue, someone having reserved a spot for Jay so he could unload all the crap he’d brought with him: the cake, also several flower arrangements, the groomsman gift bags that he’d helped put together, his brother’s post-reception clothes, and a violin that one of his friends was loaning to a musician that another friend had lined up for the event. Mike carried everything but the cake and trailed behind Jay, hoping that the people who were helping with this kind of shit could sip from champagne casually until the afternoon ceremony. 

“Did your mom tell you to call me?” Jay asked when they ran into Stephanie on the way in. She was wearing heels and a cocktail dress but didn’t seem fazed by the walk from her car.

“Yeah,” she said. “She’s freaking out over nothing, just ignore her.” 

Stephanie leaned over the cake container to hug Jay, which made Mike like her. He’d vaguely liked her last time he’d met her, too, at one of Jay’s birthday parties. She was beautiful, like Jay’s other sister, who Mike had only seen in pictures. 

“You’ve met Mike,” Jay said, lifting his shoulder to indicate the person who was loaded down with several boxes of gift bags and other wedding supplies. 

“Oh my god!” Stephanie said, her eyes going wide. “Right! We have met! Hi!”

“Hello,” Mike said. 

“Let me-- Can I take something?”

She took the violin and the bag full of post-reception clothes, and the way that she boggled at Jay having to deliver the latter made Mike like her more. 

“Mom’s being petty about literally everything already,” Stephanie said to Jay, just low enough for Mike to hear. “For a change, you know. She’s so weird about your mom, I don’t know why she even came.” 

“Like she was going to let Dad come without her,” Jay said. 

Mike was heartened by seeing Jay call his father ‘Dad’ in a way he could share with his sister, and just by how at least one person here seemed to be on his side. They delivered the things they had brought to various places, and Mike subtly scanned the rooms they moved through for any signs of champagne, finding none.

“There you are,” Jay’s mother said when they came upon her in one of these rooms. She wasn’t in her wedding clothes yet, was still wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Mike had seen an old picture of Jay’s parents before, and Jay’s mother was definitely where Jay got all his most conventionally attractive features from: sweet eyes, perfectly straight nose, good proportions, and blond hair that was probably dyed but still thick and pretty now that she was in her sixties. Jay’s father was blond, too, but he had the bad teeth and other awkward contributions that Mike nevertheless loved on Jay, like the upper lip that always seemed to want to pull into a half-sneer. 

“This is Mike,” Jay said, tugging Mike forward to present him after he’d finally put the cake down. “He’s, uh. Yeah, my boyfriend, here he is.”

Jay’s mother grinned and leaned back a little as if to get a good look at Mike, who managed what he hoped was a sincere-looking smile. He had some issues with Jay’s mother, despite never having met her, but the fact that her eyes looked like Jay’s went a long way toward making Mike want to like her, or at least be nice to her.

“Nice to meet you,” Mike said. 

“And you!” she said. She had a thick Wisconsin accent, and shared Jay’s way of unapologetically sizing people up, apparently. “Gosh. Welcome, thanks for coming. Jay never tells us anything, so we found out he had a boyfriend, oh. About two weeks ago.”

“You guys don’t tell me anything either,” Jay said. He was busying himself with the cake, checking to make sure it hadn’t been damaged during travel. 

“What’s to tell!” Jay’s mother said, looking to Mike like this was some inside joke he’d get.

“Ha,” Mike said, again wishing there was champagne.

An hour later Jay’s dad showed up with his other sister and the stepmother Mike had been instructed not to think of as evil. It was nearly time for the ceremony and the latter two scurried off without introducing themselves to Mike, but Jay made a point of bringing Mike over to meet his father. The place was getting crowded with residents of the small town Jay had grown up in, aging frat bro-ish friends of Jay’s little brother, and other miscellaneous midwesterners. 

Jay’s father was fatter than Mike had envisioned, with a receding hairline and unfixed teeth, but there was something weirdly charming about him at the same time, which reminded Mike of the thing Jay had possessed even when he was at his most dumpy and demoralized, an innate air of sharp and accurate judgment that had gained Mike’s respect instantly and now was making him squirm a bit under Jay’s father’s scrutinizing stare. 

“You work at the repair shop?” Jay’s father said after they’d been introduced by Jay, who was preoccupied with some message his brother had sent him on his phone. 

“That’s right,” Mike said. “Well. I manage it.” 

“Are you an owner-manager?”

“No, just-- No.” 

“Jay’s been working there since he was a kid. Didn’t want to go to college.” 

“I never said that,” Jay said, looking up from his phone. “I didn’t want to end up with loans.”

“I’ve still got student loan debt,” Mike said when Jay’s father just stared at Jay after hearing this. “It, uh. You made the right choice, Jay,” Mike said, clapping his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “He’s very financially responsible,” Mike said, speaking to Jay’s father, wishing like hell he could at least have a beer. The ceremony would start in half an hour. After that, there had to be afternoon cocktails. It was a Saturday, a special occasion, and this was Milwaukee, where there was no such thing as a dry wedding. 

“Financially responsible, huh?” Jay’s father said. “Well, everything’s relative.”

“I gotta go help Clint with something,” Jay said, pulling Mike away from this conversation by the arm. “See you later, Dad.”

“What an asshole,” Mike said when they were out of earshot.

“Yep,” Jay said, and Mike grinned, then felt bad. 

“I should introduce you to my dad,” Mike said. “He’s a crusty old drunk who’ll tell you about the time he saw a UFO.”

“I’ve heard.” Jay gave Mike a glance. “I seriously need to help my brother, do you want to come with me? Or are you done with this?”

“I’m with you, man, just drag me wherever you’re going. Don’t leave me alone with these people,” he added, so Jay wouldn’t think this was Mike saying he thought Jay couldn’t handle being away from him, though Mike did think it would be good for Jay if they stayed together while Jay wound his way through all his family’s tasks and comments. It was possible that Mike just wanted to believe this, because he was feeling protective and defensive already, wanting to shoo anyone who didn’t think Jay was perfect away from him.

Jay’s brother Clint was as Mike remembered him, tall and broad and bro-y but friendly enough. He was thirty-one years old and still had the energy of a college kid. Mike’s main takeaway was that he was drinking beers with his groomsmen just prior to the ceremony and didn’t offer Jay or Mike one. It also annoyed Mike that Jay’s other brother was the best man, but Jay wasn’t even in the wedding party, which was ostensibly why all the miscellaneous chores of the day were falling on him. Mike helped as much as he could, and was relieved when they were finally seated in the room where the ceremony would take place, wondering if it would be too much to reach over and settle his hand on Jay’s thigh while they sat in the middle of a row of white chairs amid the other guests, waiting for it to start. 

“You look hot,” Mike said, leaning over to whisper this into Jay’s ear. 

“You said that already,” Jay said, eyes still pointed forward, but Mike saw the corner of his mouth tug up a little. Jay turned to appraise Mike’s appearance and met Mike’s eyes after he had. “This looks good on you, too,” he said, not even whispering.

Mike glanced down at his outfit, which Jay had picked out: long-sleeved button down shirt that was already too hot, a tie, gray slacks and new dress shoes that Mike had resented paying for, though Jay was right that he might need them for some other occasion in the future, someday. Shopping together for this stuff had been so weirdly enjoyable that Mike couldn’t protest the expense. He’d liked standing in front of mirrors while Jay picked things out for him and evaluated him. Possibly he’d just liked that Jay cared so much, and how they looked together in those mirrors, which had given Mike time to appreciate the aesthetically pleasing combination of their many contrasts. He planned to finally get some pictures of him and Jay together today, even if he had to hold his phone out and take them himself, selfie-style. He wanted to start doing some more advanced stuff with their phone cameras soon, too, if Jay would be into it. 

“What are your feelings on video recordings of intimate moments?” Mike asked when he was bored, the ceremony still not starting.

“Quiet,” Jay said, elbowing him. 

“Well, we don’t have to talk about it now, but it’s a serious question, Jay.”

Mike smirked when Jay gave him a wide-eyed warning look, blushing. He got a little smile out of Jay after elbowing him back a few times. 

“You’re like a child,” Jay said, under his breath, still smiling. 

“I just can’t stand this kind of shit,” Mike said, leaning over to mutter this quietly. No one was paying attention to them, anyway. They were seated among random people, Jay’s family scattered elsewhere. 

“This kind of shit?” Jay said. 

“Like, ohh, look at us, everybody celebrate us, blah blah. I dunno. I’d like-- If I ever, uh. I’d want it to be like, almost. A secret.”

Mike had been thinking about it. He could see in Jay’s eyes that he had, too, or anyway that the subject struck him deeply, especially here and now. Initially, Mike’s fantasies about putting that collar on Jay had been lewd and show-offy, daydreams about doing it in front of a crowd of Jay’s exes and various admirers. Mike had liked the idea of locking that collar around Jay’s neck mostly to show them all he’d won, he was the best, that they didn’t measure up. Now he thought about it very differently, but still wasn’t able to settle on exactly what he would do or say when he finally gave Jay his collar, if he ever actually worked up the nerve.

“I know what you mean,” Jay said, speaking softly. The string quartet tucked into the corner of the room had started playing, and Jay’s brother and the officiant had emerged from a side door to take their places at the flower-lined altar. “I feel the same way.” 

“I know you do,” Mike whispered back, and then he did put his hand on Jay’s leg, just above his knee. Jay stiffened a little but let Mike’s hand stay there, staring straight ahead and smiling faintly for reasons that probably had nothing to do with the ceremony finally beginning. Mike felt Jay relax under his palm after a few audible breaths, and tried not to pop a boner in the middle of the wedding. 

The wedding ceremony was as boring as any Mike had ever witnessed, interchangeable with most others he’d been forced to sit through, but he had a dumb grin on his face the whole time, just because Jay’s leg was warm under his hand and Jay smelled good. However annoying the rest of this day was, Mike would bring Jay home with him when it was done, and soon there would also be free booze from the open bar. It was a good combination, and just letting his mind wander with Jay at his side was making Mike flushed with a kind of latent, easy contentment he’d never really experienced before.

When kisses and rings had been exchanged, Clint lead his new wife out of the room and Mike stood behind Jay as everyone watched them walk out together. Mike could smell Jay’s hair gel, also a faint whiff of his clean sweat, and he wanted to put his hands on Jay’s shoulders, kiss the back of his head. He restrained himself. It was a skill he’d been working on since the start of summer, because Jay got flustered at public shows of affection, sometimes fondly and sometimes with real annoyance. He liked to keep things private, and Mike had been wounded by this until they talked it out in Rich’s office and Jay confessed, mumbling, that it was because those little touches and gestures were so sacred to him that he felt exposed and vulnerable if he got too many of them where other people could see. 

Mike had endeavored not to bring up the sex club, and Jay had wrinkled his nose and mentioned it himself when he saw Mike squirming.

“That’s entirely different,” Jay said. “That’s like a game, outside of the real world. And I don’t want to go back there, anyway.” 

“Me either,” Mike said, though he did have fantasies about fucking Jay in front of other, jealous people, or maybe on a livestream. He’d accepted that some of what he wanted was going to stay in the realm of fantasy, had more than enough of everything he’d always dreamed of already.

The start of the reception had Jay scrambling to help his mother with various things she was fretting over: the post-ceremony photography session taking too long while people waited, the bartenders not having enough help and the lines getting too long, her husband’s elderly mother needing a cab back to the hotel because a wedding reception was too much excitement for her. Mike helped when he could, grabbing glass after glass of champagne as waiters circled past with flutes on trays. He drank most of them himself but nudged Jay into having a few, too, and by the time they were seated for dinner, at a table with Jay’s father, stepmother, Jay’s sisters and their husbands, Mike was just tipsy enough to almost be enjoying himself. 

“Dinner at two o’clock,” Meredith said, poking at Mike’s contentment with the sound of her voice. She was good looking, trim and still relatively youthful for a woman of her age, which made her that much more annoying in Mike’s view. She’d also refused alcohol because it was ‘too early’ and champagne gave her a headache, apparently. 

“They probably got a bargain on doing the early slot,” Jay’s father said. “There will be another ceremony going by five o’clock, and we’ll be expected to clear out.”

“Feels hectic,” Meredith said. “And calling what’s really lunch a dinner? I don’t know.”

“You get what you pay for,” Jay’s father said, smug with agreement. 

“You guys didn’t have to come,” Stephanie said.

“But we love Clint!” Meredith said, putting her shoulders back as if offended. “And Bethany.”

“Who’s Bethany?” Mike said, to lighten the mood.

Meredith snorted. “Clint’s wife, the one whose ceremony you just attended.”

“It was a joke,” Jay explained, more gently than Mike would have. “He’s kidding.”

“Oh.” Meredith gave Mike a once-over, not for the first time since he’d sat down beside Jay. “How long have you two been together?” she asked.

“We were just debating about that,” Mike said, only feeling a little bad for this remark when Jay jabbed his knee under the table. Mike would love to tell this snotty old lady that he couldn’t decide whether or not to measure the start of their relationship from the epic spanking jerkoff at work, and probably would have done so if Jay wouldn’t have hated him for it.

“It’s been about four months,” Jay said. He was flushed, maybe from drinking. He’d been hurrying to catch up with Mike since sitting down for the meal, whereas Mike had cut himself off so he could drive them home. “It’s hard to measure just because, um. We’ve been best friends and co-workers for a long time, so. We were already all up in each other’s lives.” 

“All up in,” one of the husbands said, snickering. Mike couldn’t remember which one of the sisters he was married to until Daphne, the younger one, gave him a sharp look to tell him to shut up. 

“Ha,” Jay said, grabbing for his drink again. “Yeah.” 

“So what’s different about this?” Jay’s father asked, gesturing between them. “Jay has never brought anyone around to meet us,” he said, explaining this to Mike. “Is it an age thing, or are you two just that, uh. Serious?”

“It’s not unusual when it’s two men,” Meredith said when neither of them answered. Jay was squirming. Mike was annoyed. “Isn’t that right?” she said, looking at Jay, then Mike. “That men take a while to settle down, when it’s two of them?”

“You mean when they’re gay?” Stephanie said, probably trying to be helpful, also looking annoyed with her mother.

“I thought he was bi?” Daphne’s husband said.

“Rodney!” Daphne said, glaring at him like this was an insult. 

“We both are,” Mike said, desperate for a subject change but not wanting to seem uncomfortable with this, because he wasn’t. Jay, however, was melting and stock still beside him. He hated discussing this shit even in the most understanding company. 

“Well, that was lucky,” Meredith said.

“Sorry?” Mike said when awkward silence followed.

“That you both ended up working at that tiny shop, and you both have this-- Other thing in common.” 

Mike just stared at her, not sure if she was trying to imply something or just being weird. The look on her face wasn’t friendly. 

“I wasn’t surprised when I heard you two got together,” Stephanie said. “I remember meeting Mike, what was that, three years ago? At Jay’s birthday thing. And he just kind of hovered around Jay like a boyfriend would, even back then. I thought it sweet.” 

“I do tend to hover,” Mike said, not sure how else to respond to that. He glanced over to see Jay finishing his current beer before thunking the bottle down hard.

“Anyway,” Jay said, so red-faced that it looked like it hurt. “It’s been four months, and we-- Yes, we’re serious. Dad, did you end up buying that old Stingray?”

Watching Jay pretend to care about cars while his dad rambled on about whatever fancy one he’d bought was painful. Mike struck up a conversation with Daphne about her recent vacation to Alaska that he was similarly disinterested in. He tried to be a good sport, but kept overhearing Meredith complaining about things to Stephanie and getting re-annoyed.

“I can’t believe they haven’t brought your sister’s meal yet,” Meredith said, referring to the vegan-friendly entree that Daphne was supposed to get.

“It’s fine,” Daphne said, turning away gladly from the dwindling Alaska conversation. “I’m not even hungry.”

“Well, you’ve been drinking, so you need to eat something.”

“Mom, I had like two glasses--”

“You’ll be sorry later if you don’t eat, and the real point is that they are getting ripped off by this caterer. Peggy should know, she’s paying for it. Jay,” she said, interrupting him in mid-word. “Go tell your mother what’s going on. She needs to make them aware of it now, so that the event manager knows which staff are responsible. Otherwise it’ll just get brushed off. This is the kind of thing that could result in a significant refund.” 

Meredith was a human resources manager. She reminded Mike of the ones he’d dealt with at Lightning Fast on occasion, really there to protect the company and not sorry about it. 

“Tell her-- What now?” Jay said, and Mike was proud of him for being a little rude. Fuck this lady. 

“Tell here that the caterer failed to meet their obligations to serve the vegan guests. I mean, look, the rest of us are almost finished. I am, anyway.” She made a face down at her plate. “The chicken was dry.”

“I’ll make sure to let her know,” Jay said. 

“I mean right now, so she can do something about it. Trust me, this will get lost in the shuffle after the event.” 

“She’s--” Jay said, and he shook his head and put his napkin on the table. “Yeah, okay. I need to ask her when she wants that groom’s cake brought out, anyway.”

“Can’t the caterer do that?” Mike asked, wanting to tell Jay to sit back down and not give this woman what she wanted.

“Apparently not!” Meredith said. “I wouldn’t trust them with any special requests.”

Jay gave Mike a look that told him it was fine, chill out, then left.

Mike turned to stare at Jay’s father’s family. They were all peering at him curiously, except for Stephanie’s husband, who was discreetly trying to watch a baseball game on his phone under the table, volume muted. Him, Mike liked. He’d barely said a word. Mike’s kind of guy.

“So where are your people from?” Jay’s father asked, giving Mike a look like he thought he could guess: no place great!

“Chicago,” Mike said. “Or, do you mean, like. Originally?”

“Whereabouts in Chicago?”

“Westside suburbs.”

“Your parents still there?”

“Yep.” 

“They retired from something?”

Mike didn’t like that phrasing but tried to keep his expression friendly, for Jay’s sake.

“My dad had a hauling business,” Mike said. “Mostly boats and trailers.” Not junk, he’d always clarified, angrily. “He sold it.”

That was a lie. He declared bankruptcy when Mike was in his twenties and lost the business. Mike wasn’t sure if he was working, presently, or just working on some scheme that he would never actually put into action while Mike’s mother kept the modest household afloat with her receptionist job. 

“What’d you move to Milwaukee for?” Stephanie asked. Mike was grateful to her for the rescue from talking about his parents.

“A woman,” Mike said, scanning the large room they were in for any sign of Jay’s return. He didn’t see Jay, or Jay’s mother. “But that ended.”

“Obviously,” Jay’s father said. 

“Yeah. Anyway, uh.” 

Mike tugged on his collar, resenting the long-sleeved shirt and tie for making him suffer uncomfortably through what would otherwise be a beautiful summer day. If he and Jay were free from this hell they’d be home together, probably napping off some weird sex shit they’d done that morning before going out to happy hour or just starting up round two.

“So that shop you two work at is really still open, huh?” Jay’s father said.

Mike was beginning to feel as if the guy didn’t like him. The feeling was rapidly becoming mutual. 

“The place where we work is still open, yes,” Mike said, unable to fully make this sound like a good-spirited reply. 

“That’s incredible,” Stephanie said. “People have such passion for old technologies, as if that’s as big a part of the thing they loved growing up as the movie itself, or the music, or whatever. Jay has always been that way.” 

“He’s always been quirky,” Meredith said. “God, the things he got into as a child.” She did a theatrical shudder. “I would catch him watching the most vile movies.” 

“That’s normal, for a boy,” Stephanie said. “You only knew what it was like to raise us girls, so you didn’t--”

“Oh, I was there for the raising of him, too,” Meredith said, lifting her eyebrows like it had been a wild ride. “He was five years old when I came into the picture.” 

Stephanie made a face like she might have something to say about that, but didn’t. 

“Mike, don’t you think it’s a normal boy thing, though?” she said instead. “Were you into horror movies and gross-out stuff as a kid?”

“Yeah,” Mike said, though he hadn’t been. Even _Robocop_ had disturbed him, though he did watch it like twenty times in a single summer when it came out on video. “It’s totally normal for kids to have this, like, dark and kinda unflinching curiosity about death,” he said, because this was true of his nephew. 

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Meredith said, half-muttering this into her water glass. “Or that it was death he was curious about, exactly.”

“Remember that comic he used to draw?” Daphne asked, grinning. “Mom wanted to send it to the FBI when she found it.”

“It was _extremely_ disturbing,” Meredith said. “And he was eleven years old.” 

“Oh my god, it wasn’t that bad,” Stephanie said. “And drawing gory comics is totally normal for boys, too,” she said, elbowing her husband. “Greg? Right?”

“Oh-- Yeah, totally!” Greg looked up from his phone, hiding it under the tablecloth and nodding enthusiastically, clearly not having even heard her question, just sensing that she wanted him to agree with her.

Again, Mike liked him. 

“So what was the comic about?” Daphne’s husband asked, already grinning. Mike liked him a lot less. 

“You know that show Dexter?” Daphne said. “It was basically that, before Dexter existed.” 

“It was about violent murdering psychopaths,” Meredith said. “And they were the heroes! I did show his mother. Of course she didn’t think anything of it.” 

“I loved it,” Stephanie said. 

“That he showed it to you girls still enrages me.” 

“We found it, Mom!” Stephanie said. “We were always snooping through his stuff.”

“He only showed it to us on purpose after he toned it down,” Daphne said. “Then it was like he was basically drawing it for us. When the pyromaniac character was introduced.”

She and Stephanie grinned at each other like this was some kind of inside joke. 

“What?” Daphne’s husband prompted. “What’s that mean?”

“Oh, nothing,” Stephanie said. 

“Just later,” Daphne said. “Much later, when he finally came out to us, we were like a-ha, we knew it. Because in the comic the morally-motivated murderer character has this like, occasional accomplice, sometimes nemesis who’s a serial arsonist, and when were reminiscing about the Jay comic when we were older we were like, ohhhh he was sort of writing them as a romance, wasn’t he?”

“The pyro character was a guy, too,” Stephanie explained. 

“Ah,” Mike said, adoring this but also sure Jay would be mortified if he knew it was happening. He also didn’t love how visibly bored-bordering-on-irritated Jay’s father looked by the subject. 

“Nail!” Daphne said, and she and Stephanie burst out laughing. 

“What now?” Daphne’s husband said.

“That was the pyro character’s name. He was dreamy. We loved him and begged to have him in every storyline. The main character was just Jay’s self-insert, basically, but the Nail character was the dashing foil who would show up to help him or annoy him, depending--” Daphne glanced at her father and stopped talking, shrugged. “Anyway, ah. He stopped drawing it in high school and we were heartbroken.” 

Mike was curious about this but glad to see Jay making his way through the crowd on his way back to their table. When their eyes met Mike felt a kind of charge in the air of the noisy reception hall, and he could see Jay felt it, too, the corner of his mouth tugging up a little. Because they’d missed each other, already. 

“We were just talking about that comic you used to draw,” Stephanie said when Jay sat down beside Mike. 

“Oh god,” Jay said. “The Dexter thing?”

“Yes!”

“That Dexter show stole my childhood ideas somehow,” Jay said to Mike. “Though not really--”

“What did Peggy say about the vegan issue?” Meredith asked, sharply. 

“Uhh,” Jay said, turning to her. “I actually got sidetracked by--”

“Oh forget it,” Meredith snapped, waving her hand over her plate. “I’m just trying to help her get her money’s worth.”

“Sorry, just--” 

“Jay, whatever happened to your old comics?” Daphne asked, and Mike thought maybe her mother was right that she should eat, because she seemed kind of drunk. “Like, do you still have them?”

“No,” he said. “I think--” He glanced at Meredith. “When they renovated the house--”

“I got rid of all the old stuff in that closet when we redid that room he used to stay in,” Meredith said. “I asked him if he wanted it first, so don’t give me that look, Stephie.”

“I’m not,” she said, glancing at Jay as if to ask if he’d really been consulted. Jay said nothing, just picked up his empty beer and observed the last drops before putting it down again. 

“If you want another one you’re going to have to chase down a waiter,” Meredith said, noticing this. “They’re not bringing refills.”

“Probably a money-saving policy,” Jay’s father said, craning his neck and snapping his fingers in the air to get a waiter’s attention. 

“I can’t believe you threw that stuff away,” Daphne said, looking sincerely torn up about it. “Mom, are you sure? I’d love to go back and read those now.”

“You would not,” Jay said, laughing. “You’re just remembering them as great because you were like, six years old.”

“I cannot believe you were showing them that kind of thing at that age,” Meredith said. “Maybe I threw them out because I was still mad at you about it.”

“Maybe,” Jay said, staring at her.

Mike’s heart was beating hard, and he’d bitten on the end of his tongue to keep from saying something rude. The fact that Jay’s father kept snapping his fingers to get somebody to come bring him a drink was about to set him off, too.

“Oh for god’s sake,” Meredith said, and for a moment Mike thought she was mad about the snapping, too. “Jay, go get your father a drink. They’re intentionally ignoring him at this point. And you really should find your mother, on top of everything else it’s just unbelievable that Daphne still doesn’t have food--”

“Jesus, lady,” Mike said, feeling like he was going to flip the table if he didn’t at least say this out loud. “Do it yourself. He doesn’t work for you.” 

They all stared at him, and Mike felt the color draining from his face as an avalanche of regret tumbled through him.

“Excuse me?” Jay’s father said, scowling. “Don’t talk to my wife like that.” 

“I have to--” Jay said, and he shot out of his chair, away from the table.

“Sorry,” Mike said, to Jay, but he was already gone, running off to get a beer for his father or consult his mother about the caterer, Mike thought. But as Mike sat there watching, feeling like an idiot and an asshole, Jay made a beeline for the front doors of the reception hall and left altogether. 

“Oh jesus, Mom,” Stephanie said, throwing her napkin on the table. “Mike’s right, you were riding him about everything--”

“I didn’t mean to!” Meredith said. She glared at Mike. “I’m not the one who upset him, I don’t think.” 

“I’ll go,” Mike said, stopping Stephanie when she started to rise from the table to go after Jay. “It’s my fault, sorry, forget I said anything.” 

Mike felt nausea rising up through him as he hurried through the crowded room, almost knocking both a waiter and a grandpa over in the process of trying to get to Jay. He apologized but didn’t stop moving, feeling as if he’d just screwed this up for real, for good. All Jay had asked was that Mike behave himself for one single day, and Mike couldn’t even do that, he’d fucked it all up.

The doors Jay had exited through opened out to a patio area facing the lake that Jay’s brother must not have paid to rent along with the reception space, because it was pretty deserted except for a few random people having cell phone conversations and Jay, who was seated at the far left end of the cement staircase that lead down to the empty main patio. Out over the lake, storm clouds were gathering thickly, purple-heavy with rain but still far out enough to only be sending some strong winds their way so far. Mike’s tie flapped up off his chest and blew back over his shoulder as he made his way toward Jay, who was just sitting there with his hands on his knees, staring into space. Mike slowed his steps and prepared himself for Jay tell him to fuck off, that it was over, that obviously Mike couldn’t be trusted, that he’d only made things worse, as usual--

“Hey,” Mike said, disliking how scared-sounding he was already.

Jay looked up and took in a deep breath. He exhaled and just stared up at Mike, only looking like he didn’t understand why Mike wasn’t sitting next to him already. 

“You okay?” Mike asked, hurrying to drop down next to him. Mike scooted close, his heart doing backflips of elated glee when Jay didn’t object to Mike wrapping an arm around him. Jay leaned in close and reached for Mike’s wind-assaulted tie, pulling it forward against Mike’s chest again. He held it there, staring at Mike’s shoulder for a minute before nodding and looking up at him. 

“Yeah,” Jay said. The corner of his lips tugged up, just a bit. “Sorry I ran. I just can’t-- Can’t.” 

“It’s okay, jesus, I’m sorry I-- Ah. Embarrassed myself, and you--”

“No.” Jay tugged lightly on the end of Mike’s tie. “You didn’t embarrass me. You fucking-- Defended me. The way he defends her, ha. Thanks, just, thank you--”

Jay’s voice wavered a little, and he leaned over to bury his face against Mike’s throat, moaning. Mike wrapped both arms around him and kissed his forehead, held him close. 

Mike was still a little shaken up by his feeling that he’d ruined things, but it was slowly dawning on him that he hadn’t, because Jay was clinging to him and nuzzling at his throat like he wasn’t mad at all, at least not at Mike.

“God, I wish I’d always been there for you,” Mike said, thinking of little Jay’s hand drawn comics, pitched into the trash, and everything else Mike knew about how he’d grown up, how lonely and even scary it had been. “I mean, like. I wish we’d known each other as kids.”

“Ha,” Jay said, sitting back to grin at him. “You would have thought I was a weirdo nerd.”

“No! Well, maybe. But a precious weirdo nerd who deserved my protection.”

“Yeah, then I’d be even more screwed up on needing you the way I do.”

Jay was still smiling, also touching Mike’s jaw fondly. Mike moaned and pressed his face against Jay’s, hoping they could leave together soon. 

“You’re not screwed up,” Mike said, softly. “Not even a little. Not in my book.” 

Jay shrugged and looked out at the lake, the storm clouds. He was still huddled in Mike’s arms, though at least three people on the patio might see them. All those people were preoccupied with their phone calls, and it didn’t matter, anyway. As long as Jay had no objection, Mike would pull him into his fucking lap in public, if that was what he needed.

“Did you see the look on her face?” Jay asked, his mouth nudging into a grin again. “That was great.”

“I was too busy being mortified,” Mike said. “Thought I’d pissed you off.”

Jay shook his head and laughed, his fist still closed around the end of Mike’s tie. He turned his face so their noses bumped together. 

“Honestly?” he said. “I had to get up and go so I didn’t grab you and do this right in front of them.” 

He kissed Mike on the lips, licking into his mouth just shallowly, maybe because they were in public. Mike pressed into it more deeply and Jay laughed, letting him do it. 

“Oh, I guess you’re okay!” someone said.

Mike broke free from the kiss and Jay moved away a little. The person approaching was Stephanie, her husband Greg trailing behind her and still watching the game on his phone. Stephanie made an apologetic face for interrupting their moment and held up the beer bottle she was carrying.

“Brought this for you,” she said, sitting down on Jay’s other side and passing the beer to him. She gave Jay a one-armed hug when Mike took his arm away, not sure Jay wanted her seeing him being coddled. “We’re gonna leave,” she said when Jay took the beer and leaned over to let her hug him. “Mom and I got into a fight.”

“Sorry,” Jay said. 

“It’s not your fault!” Stephanie said, squeezing him. “Or yours,” she said to Mike. “Mom’s freaking out because Jay’s mom is there and because she looks amazing. She’s taking it out on Jay. It’s not right.”

“It’s fine,” Jay muttered and drank from the beer. “I’m used to it.”

“It’s not fine, and you shouldn’t be. I’m glad Mike said something.”

“I guess she’ll hate me now,” Mike muttered, not really interested in seeing her ever again anyway. “And your dad, will, too,” he said, wincing.

“It’s okay,” Greg said, hovering over them and finally looking up from his ball game. “They hate me, too,” he said, and he grinned when Stephanie laughed. “So now I’ve got some company, in that club.”

“Hate’s probably too strong,” Stephanie said. “But, yeah. We don’t care. They’re-- Difficult.”

“Mark sucks, too,” Greg said, presumably meaning Daphne’s husband. “They love him because he’s a little kiss ass.” 

“Hey, now,” Stephanie said. She looked back to Jay. “You okay?” she asked, quietly.

“I’m fine,” Jay said. He drank more beer. “I should have just let Clint put me in the wedding party.” 

“He wanted to?” Mike said, glad to hear it. 

“Yeah, but I hate that kind of attention, even if I’m just on the sidelines. So I got all this other stuff dumped on me instead.” 

“Clint appreciates it, even if he’s not showing it yet,” Stephanie said. “He’s just overwhelmed. You know,” she said, looking over at Mike. “When me and Clint became friends, the first thing we bonded over was how much we love Jay.” 

“Oh god,” Jay moaned, holding the beer over his face. “You did not.”

“We did, so! All of us did, Daphne and Connor, too. He was the best babysitter,” Stephanie said, speaking to Mike again. “He let us do whatever we wanted, short of getting hurt. He was so caring and funny, so sweet.”

Jay moaned again and chugged more beer.

“He still can’t take compliments,” Stephanie said, shouldering him.

Sure he can, Mike thought, and he smirked a little when Jay gave him a subtle look of warning.

“And that comic!” Stephanie said. “He’d slave over it for us.”

“It was for me, too,” Jay said. “But. I did like that you guys, uh. Appreciated it.” 

“He’s the best big brother ever,” Stephanie said, hugging him again. 

“You’re drunk,” Jay said, but he was grinning. 

Stephanie and Greg left soon after that, with a promise to get in touch soon for some kind of double date. Mike was all for it, strangely. Maybe he would make some actual friends in them, eventually. It had been a while since he’d put any effort into that endeavor, outside of his Tuesday night trivia group. 

“I’m ready to go, too,” Jay said when the storm clouds had surged in closer, sending everyone else inside. “Gonna say goodbye, though. You can, uh-- Can you get the car? I’ll meet you out front in five minutes.” 

“Got it,” Mike said, and he kissed Jay on the lips in a quick little peck, glad that he wasn’t being asked to go back in there and say goodbye or apologize for what he’d said. Now that he knew Jay was okay with it, he was nothing but glad that he’d done it.

The rain was just starting when Jay jogged out of the front doors of the reception hall and hopped into the passenger seat of Mike’s car, carrying something that he’d covered with his jacket. He was grinning like a lunatic, pink-cheeked again.

“What’s that?” Mike asked, nodding to the jacket-covered thing in Jay’s lap.

“It’s weird,” Jay said, pushing his jacket away to reveal the container he’d brought the groom’s cake in, which appeared to still have the whole, intact cake inside. “So weird how I left the cake in the back room and it just totally disappeared.”

“Oh my goddd,” Mike said, snickering. “You stole it!”

“I can’t steal something I made myself. I’ll make another one for Clint, sometime-- I told him I was gonna take it when I said goodbye. He thought it was hilarious.” 

“Good.” Mike flipped on the windshield wipers and headlights as the downpour began, loud against the roof of the car. “Gonna eat the fuck out of that cake when we get home,” Mike said, winking at Jay and licking his lips. 

“Yeah,” Jay said, his pupils fattening as if Mike had been talking about eating his ass, which Mike also planned to do, so: fair.

Jay was chatty on the drive home, telling Mike about the comic he’d drawn as a kid, and other comics of a different nature that he hadn’t gotten caught with, having hidden them much more carefully. Mike had to bite his tongue multiple times to keep from blurting out the other surprise gift he had hidden in the closet alongside that collar. Jay had mentioned wanting a drawing tablet months ago, and Mike had bought one to give him along with the collar, because it just seemed right to give Jay a more traditional gift alongside it, to mark the occasion. Mike listened as best he could to Jay’s stories about the serial killer and pyromanic characters who did sound like they’d been his way of working out his feelings for guys in some half-understanding child brain way. This was interesting to Mike, fascinating, even, but his mind was also racing with plans for how that collar was finally going to get buckled around Jay’s neck, and soon.

The day had already been eventful enough, so Mike didn’t give him the collar that evening. They took it easy, watching a movie and having a few beers before moving to the bed for leisurely sex. Mike was in the mood to stay inside Jay for a long time, on top of him and peering down into his flushed, adoring face. Jay wasn’t in a rush either. He was sweet and so warm around Mike, underneath him, his hands soothing over Mike’s shoulders and back while Mike fucked into him in lazy rolls of his hips and kissed him stupid. 

“I’d start fires for you,” Mike said when he was close and no longer able to make much sense, thinking of that comic. “I’d, ah-- I’d burn down whole cities, Jay.”

“Mph,” Jay said, still drifting and breathless, having just come all over Mike’s chest. The squeezing clench of Jay’s orgasm was what had sent Mike spiraling toward his own at last. “Yeah, I-- Mike.”

“Hmmm? Tell me.” Mike had his eyes closed and his face pressed to Jay’s throat while he fucked into Jay faster, harder, so close. “Say it, please.” 

“I love you,” Jay said, pushing this out in a wobbly little whisper, his hand in Mike’s hair. 

Mike groaned and came. He hadn’t been expecting that. Hadn’t thought it would make him come, either, but he felt like he was emptying everything he had into Jay as he rode it out, more than glad to give him all of it.

“Love you, too,” Mike said when he could speak again, pressing the words to Jay’s lips before parting them with a kiss. Jay wrapped his arms around Mike’s neck and nodded while kissing him back, as if to say, yeah, he knew, could feel it. 

Mike woke early the next morning, nervous about his plans. He let Jay sleep late, knew the day before had exhausted him. When the sun was fully up and he couldn’t wait any longer, he kissed Jay’s back all over in an attempt to gently rouse him. Jay moaned and grunted a few times before blinking his eyes partially open. 

“Gonna make french toast,” Mike said, pushing his hand down to palm the swell of Jay’s ass. It was hot in Mike’s bedroom, and they’d kicked the blankets away during the night. 

“French toast,” Jay repeated dazedly, and he nodded before closing his eyes again. “Yeah. Sounds good.” 

Mike had planned this breakfast to be special anyway, having anticipated needing to take extra care with Jay after a full day spent with his family. He cut up strawberries and everything. There was a stack of hot french toast steaming on a plate on the counter by the time Jay finally emerged, yawning and wearing only boxer shorts, scratching at his chest. 

“Want you in my lap when this is ready,” Mike said when Jay came over to hug him from behind, resting his cheek on Mike’s back like he might sink into sleep again right there, standing up. “Want you in my lap all day,” Mike clarified, reaching back to grab one of Jay’s ass cheeks.

“Yes,” Jay said. “Sir?” he added, to ask if this was a thing or not. 

“Mhm,” Mike said, considering. He thought about the collar, which he’d already dug out of the closet and hidden in the sofa cushions, along with Jay’s other present. Was collaring him a ‘sir’ thing? Or a love thing? Mike had definitely felt like Jay was really saying ‘I love you’ when he said ‘yes, sir’ before, so maybe it was one and the same. “I’ll give you some new rules later,” Mike said. 

He could feel Jay smile against his back. He loved new rules. 

They ate at the kitchen table, Jay in Mike’s lap. Mike fed him a few bites of the french toast off his fork, a couple of strawberries, then handed him the fork and let him feed himself while Mike busied himself with kissing Jay’s bare shoulders and biceps, the back of his neck. 

“You smell so good,” Mike said, unable to hold it in. He said it all the time, couldn’t help it. Jay wiggled on his lap a little, either squirming in pleasure at the praise or trying to get Mike’s dick hard. Mike was too anxious about what was about to happen to get properly aroused, though the twitching of Jay’s warm ass on his lap kept him from staying fully soft.

Mike told Jay to do the breakfast dishes. It was only fair, since Mike had cooked, and Jay had slipped halfway into subspace anyway and seemed all too glad to have an order.

“When you’re done, come into the living room,” Mike said, backing in that direction while Jay put the plates in the sink. “And be naked.”

“Kay,” Jay said, concentrating on his work.

Mike went into the living room and got into position, sitting near the spot where he’d stashed the collar and tablet. He felt dumb for being so anxious, because this should be the easiest thing in the world, after everything else they’d been through, but he wanted it to be perfect for Jay, and he wasn’t sure if he was doing this right. He’d read obsessively about collaring people over the past months, and the bottom line seemed to be ‘it’s different for everyone, just be sure to customize it to suit your personal dynamic.’ Mike didn’t know how he could possibly encapsulate everything he loved about his life with Jay in a single gesture, so finally he’d decided to stop trying to think of a way to do it and just do it, because he couldn’t wait any longer. 

When the dishes were finished, Jay came into the living room doorway wearing nothing but a look on his face that told Mike he knew something was up. They could read each other well by then, still not flawlessly but well enough to know when the other was nervous about something.

“Come here,” Mike said, patting his lap. Mike was still dressed in his t-shirt and boxer shorts. He’d always planned on doing this dressed, while Jay was totally bare. Jay started getting hard when Mike directed him to not just sit in his lap but straddle his thighs, legs spread. 

“Ah,” Jay said when Mike gave Jay’s cock a fond stroke with his thumb, and they both watched it fatten up quickly for that little touch. 

“So good for me,” Mike said, husky and almost emotional already, pulling Jay in for a hungry kiss. Jay tasted amazing, like maple syrup and cinnamon, strawberries, also just like himself. Mike moaned into the kiss and let it go on for a while, still nervous. 

Jay looked pleased with himself when Mike pulled back, like he could see that Mike was overcome just for this, having Jay in his lap and letting his hands wander all over Jay’s bare skin while Jay got fully hard for him, seated comfortably in his lap and waiting to see what he would do. 

“I got you something,” Mike said. He cleared his throat and settled his hands on Jay’s waist. “Several things, actually.”

“Yay,” Jay said, and Mike snorted at that response. They kissed again, both laughing into it a little. Jay’s eyes were all sparkly with expectation when Mike pulled free. He loved getting presents on the weekend, things that always represented some new game, or a twist in an existing one. Mike was gonna spend himself broke, coming up with new accessories, but this one would hopefully be worth the seventy bucks he’d spent to have it customized with embossing on the inside of the high-quality leather.

Mike was still afraid enough to give it to Jay that he pulled out the Wacom tablet first. He hadn’t wrapped it or anything, just placed it into Jay’s hands and let him examine it. 

“Oh, neat,” Jay said when he realized what it was. He grinned up at Mike, his brow pinching a little. “When did you get this, this morning, or--?”

“What? No, I ordered it online weeks ago. Was just saving it for the right moment.” 

Jay’s mouth hung open around another unasked question. Mike felt himself flushing. The timing of hearing about the comics Jay used to draw was part of why he was giving it now, but not the reason Mike had gotten it in the first place. Maybe Jay didn’t remember telling Mike he’d been thinking about getting one of these and taking up drawing for fun again.

“Thanks,” Jay said, his eyes as soft as his voice, and he leaned forward to kiss the corner of Mike’s mouth. “I love it, um. What’s the occasion, though?”

“Well.” Mike took a deep breath, exhaled, and accepted that his face had turned red while Jay stared at him sweetly, waiting. It was now or never. “This,” Mike said, reaching for the other box he’d stowed between sofa cushions. “This is the occasion,” he said, holding the box out for Jay. 

Jay set the Wacom aside. Unlike that, this gift wasn’t obvious based on the packaging. Jay lifted the lid and peeked inside, his lips parting as he gazed down at the black leather collar. 

“If you still want it,” Mike blurted, his hands starting to shake around the box.

Jay made a soft ‘ah’ sound under his breath and looked up into Mike’s eyes, pupils expanding.

“Yes,” Jay said. He’d gotten shaky, too, suddenly. “Yeah, yes. Mike. Yes.”

“Mhm, good, because I got it embossed and everything.” Mike felt better already, calm and certain, not sure what he’d been afraid of. “See,” he said, setting the box down and lifting the collar out so Jay could see the little ‘J’ embossed on the inside front of the collar, and the ‘M’ that was embossed on the corresponding spot in back, directly across from it. Mike had thought about using their full first names, also just his own name, but ultimately this felt and looked right to him. “The ‘J’ goes here,” Mike said, lifting his fingertips to stroke Jay’s throat, which bobbed for him with a swallow. “And the ‘M’ goes here.” Mike moved his fingers to the back of Jay’s neck and tickled him there, grinning when Jay shivered and sighed.

“It looks really nice,” Jay said, staring down at the collar, his fingers twitching like he wanted to touch it. He put his hands at his sides and dragged his gaze back up to Mike’s. “Thank you, um. If, I’ve. Earned it, have I?”

“Yes. You’ve been so good to me, for me, you’ve more than earned it. I’m going to put it on you. We can talk about the rules first.”

“Yes.” Jay nodded madly and shifted on Mike’s thighs. Mike glanced down and grinned when he saw Jay was now rock hard, a bead of sticky arousal leaking out onto the head of his cock. 

Jay wanted this so bad, Mike thought, staring up into his eyes again, adoring him. It was a sex thing, and something else, too. Mike got it now. He was getting hard in his boxers just for the feeling of anticipating finally putting his collar on Jay. 

“So,” Mike said, holding the collar between their chests and rubbing his thumbs over the soft leather. In addition to being incredibly hard for this, Jay’s breath had quickened a little, and his nipples were pulled into tight little buds despite how warm it was in the room. “Rules,” Mike said, and Jay lifted his gaze from the collar again, nodding. “First,” Mike said, shifting the collar into one hand and resting the other gently on Jay’s side, so he could feel Jay trembling with want. “And most important. When I want to put this on you, I’ll ask if you’re ready to wear my collar. If you’re not, you will tell me. Understand?”

“Yes,” Jay said, seriously, pupils huge. He always loved memorizing the rules, taking them in and engraving them on his heart. “I understand,” he added, prompting Mike to continue.

“Good.” Mike pet Jay’s side a little, watched him preen and sit up straighter for the praising touch. “Because when you tell me that yes, you’re ready to wear the collar, you will be surrendering to me completely. Every decision will be mine. You won’t move, speak, or come unless I give you explicit permission.”

Jay fucking _moaned_ , nodding slowly, eyelids getting heavier. Mike licked his lips. 

“If you break the rules while wearing the collar,” Mike said, still stroking Jay’s side, “I’ll take it off before punishing you. When you’re being punished, you don’t deserve to wear my collar.”

“Mike,” Jay said, still nodding, looking like he could come just for hearing Mike make all these demands, just for the sound of his voice. 

“The only thing you’re allowed to do without permission when wearing the collar, that won’t result in punishment, is to take the collar off if you need to.”

Jay clearly didn’t like this rule as much as the others, his face falling a little. Mike hadn’t expected him to, but it was a rule Mike needed. Jay had to know that he could stop, and that Mike wouldn’t be mad if he did. 

“What if, um,” Jay said, staring down at Mike’s chest. “Could it be, like, instead-- Could I ask you to take the collar off? If I need to?”

“Of course,” Mike said. “That works, too.”

“‘Cause, I-- I want you to always be the one who puts it on, and the one who takes it off. Only you, not me.” 

“Oh, Jay. Yes. C’mere.” 

Mike kissed him for a long time, and pulled back when he couldn’t wait any longer. Jay was hazy-eyed and blushing, his lips pink and puffy. 

“Those are all my rules,” Mike said. “And your revision to that last rule is accepted. Do you have any others?”

“No,” Jay said, his hands sliding up to Mike’s shoulders. “Please, ah. I’m ready.” 

“Yes, you are.” Mike kissed him on the nose. He’d planned to have Jay kneeling on the floor between his legs when he put the collar on him, but now that seemed off. Mike didn’t want Jay that far away from him when he did it. They both stared down and watched as Mike undid the black metal buckle and opened the collar. “I want you to look at me while I put this on you,” Mike said, lifting it. “Don’t break eye contact.”

“Yes, sir,” Jay said. 

The black leather looked fucking perfect against Jay’s pale throat, especially where it was flushed with arousal. Mike adjusted the buckle so that the collar would sit comfortably, just loose enough to get the very tip of Mike pinky finger between the leather and Jay’s skin. Jay swallowed and sighed from someplace deep in his chest when his Adam’s Apple bobbed against the collar. 

“Beautiful,” Mike said, stroking him everywhere and leaning back to take him in. Mike’s palms smoothed over Jay’s sides, across his chest, down over his shaky thighs. “That looks perfect on you, Jay. Belongs on you, because you belong to me.” 

Jay smiled just faintly, as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed to beam from ear to ear without Mike’s permission while wearing the collar. He was allowed to, but Mike didn’t need to tell him so. He could see it in Jay’s eyes even when Jay pressed his lips together to keep it from fully breaking onto his face.

“You can say thank you,” Mike said. “If you want to.” 

“Thank you,” Jay said, voice heavy with emotion or arousal, or both. 

“You’re welcome. You deserve it, Jay. Perfect boy. Now I want you to get down on your knees, take my cock out and use your mouth to show me how grateful you are.”

Jay made a soft, approving noise and nodded, and when he slid down between Mike’s legs it was in a liquid motion that wasn’t unlike a bow, as if his bones had turned to jelly for Mike before firming up again as his knees hit the floor. 

Mike let Jay suck him to completion, Mike’s approving hand stroking through Jay’s hair the whole time, praise flowing from his lips as Jay gave him the suck-off of his life. Jay rested his cheek against the inside of Mike’s thigh after swallowing it all down, and Mike went on petting him for a while, also praising him, so blissed out that he couldn’t make himself move. Jay seemed to be in a similar state, his smile pressed to Mike’s skin. 

“Come up here,” Mike said when he finally couldn’t wait to get Jay’s needy little cock into his mouth any longer. 

Mike laid Jay out on the sofa and wedged himself between Jay’s spread apart legs. He gave Jay permission to come after perhaps twenty minutes of sucking him gentle and slow, winding him up so tight that Jay was sobbing as quietly as he could when he finally unloaded in Mike’s mouth. 

“You can speak freely until I tell you otherwise,” Mike said when they were stretched out on the couch together, recovering, Mike’s fingers traveling up to stroke over the collar again and again, because Jay shivered every time they passed from the leather to his skin. 

“Mike,” was the first thing Jay managed to say, naturally. Then they were kissing, limbs tangled together. Mike needed to get up and turn the air con down, but he couldn’t let go of Jay long enough to do so, at least not yet. 

The rest of the day was calm and cozy, mostly consisting of Jay stretched out across Mike’s lap with his head resting on the arm of the sofa, playing with the Wacom while Mike read to him from its little instruction manual and watched over him fondly, stroking his hair. 

“Can I ask an unsexy question?” Jay asked, still working on the crocodile that Mike had instructed him to draw. They’d spent most of the past hour just like that, Mike giving Jay little drawing assignments, Jay reclining happily in his collar and across Mike’s lap in various positions while working on his drawings. Mike was almost drifting into a thin nap when he registered Jay’s question.

“Sure,” Mike said, scratching at Jay’s scalp, prepared to indulge him in everything at the moment. 

“How, uh. How are you affording all this stuff?” 

“It wasn’t that expensive,” Mike said, snapped awake by that, because he had something to confess, nevertheless. “But, uh. You know that bar where I do trivia with Tracy and those guys on Tuesdays?”

“Yes,” Jay said, still drawing pointy teeth on his crocodile. 

“Well. I’ve gotten kinda friendly with the guy who DJs the trivia game, and he hooks me up with Friday night bartending shifts sometimes.” 

Jay’s pen went still on the tablet, and he looked up at Mike, his eyebrows pulling together. 

“You’ve been bartending on Fridays?” he said.

“Yeahh, it’s pretty decent money, that place gets slammed--”

“Mike,” Jay said, closing his eyes. He made an irritated little noise before opening them again. “I-- You really have to tell me things like that.”

Mike’s eyebrows went up. Though Jay had permission to speak freely, seeing him issue an order while wearing the collar was-- Something. Kinda hot, actually, Mike thought, shifting under him. 

“I know,” Mike said, though it was still a work in progress, figuring out what Jay needed to be told and what he didn’t want to hear out loud. Mike had known that keeping this a secret like that was wrong and weird. He just hadn’t wanted Jay to feel guilty or feel like he needed to pick up a second job, too. “Sorry,” Mike said. 

Jay smirked, maybe because he was being apologized to while wearing the collar.

“It’s okay,” he said, reaching up to pet Mike’s jaw. Mike had also given him freedom to touch whatever he liked until further notice. “Just, um. Do you like it?”

“Bartending?” Not really. “It’s okay. The guy offered to let me run the trivia games on Wednesdays, too. I haven’t taken him up on that yet, ‘cause it’s our gym night, uh. But it sounds like it’d be more fun, and pays decent, too.”

“We could switch to Thursdays,” Jay said, his pen moving on the tablet again. “For the gym, I mean. I like Rich, and he’s been helpful, but. I kinda feel like I’ve gotten everything I can out of it, at least for now, and the money-- The money, Mike.”

“Yeah,” Mike agreed, feeling a pang of something like worry. He’d noticed Jay had less to say in their recent every-other-week sessions, not in a reticent way but just because he’d been content with things lately. Mike still had some stuff he wanted to talk to Rich about, but would actually benefit from doing it alone, and was a little relieved to hear Jay wouldn’t want to come to the next session, once he got past initial fear of change reaction. “I’ll probably do a few more sessions, just me. If you don’t mind.”

“I think that would be good,” Jay said, so decisively that Mike snorted and rolled his eyes, though he mostly found this response cute. Jay didn’t think Mike was broken or immature or whatever. At least not any more than he simply just cared.

Before they went to bed that night, Mike removed the collar. He put it back in its fancy purple box and placed it in the bedside table drawer with some ceremony, while Jay stood watching. 

“Go brush your teeth,” Mike said when it was put away, and Jay looked relieved to still have orders. He nodded and turned to do as instructed, then turned back.

“Seriously, thank you,” Jay said. 

“I knew you were serious before,” Mike said. He winked, smiled. “You know it’s for me, too, right?”

“I know.” Jay looked at the floor, then back up at Mike. “I just never thought. Um. You know. That I’d get everything I ever wanted. It’s a hard feeling to accept as real, sometimes, even now.” 

“Tell me about it,” Mike said. 

Jay smiled and turned for the bathroom. Mike got into bed, stretched out on his back and folded his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the soothing sounds of Jay getting ready for bed, washing his face and brushing his teeth. He even flossed, most nights. Mike loved Jay’s fussiness, and loved being with him like this, when things were exciting and calm, too, now that it finally felt easy to move between the two. They’d talked about breaking their lease agreements and moving in together, but it seemed okay to wait and avoid the penalty for moving out early. Mike’s lease was up in November, Jay’s in December. Mike was pretty sure that meant he’d be the one giving up his apartment in the end, but that was okay. He could be at home in Jay’s place, or wherever Jay was.

Jay flipped off the lights on the way to bed and slid into place at Mike’s side, giving Mike’s soft pec a little kiss before resting his head there. Mike tucked his arm around Jay’s back, nuzzled at his hair and reveled in the feeling of Jay settling in against him and letting the breath drain slowly from his chest as he relaxed against Mike’s side. It was really too warm for cuddling, but Mike didn’t care. He stroked Jay’s back, his fingers drawing down to run over Jay’s old scar. 

Jay still shivered when Mike touched him there, but not in a forbidding way. He was smiling, eyes closed, his leg pushed up to rest on top of Mike’s. 

“This is the happiest I’ve ever been,” Mike said, in case Jay couldn’t tell.

“Me too,” Jay said. He clamped his leg tight around Mike’s thigh and tucked his arm across Mike’s chest. “Except for maybe that first time in the shop. When you told me to bend over the counter for you. Good fucking god, Mike. To answer your question-- Yes. That was the first day we were together, that first time you spanked me, that’s our fucking anniversary. I’ll never forget how good that felt. To suddenly know you wanted-- That, with me. Fuck.”

“You’re making me hard,” Mike said, stroking Jay’s back more urgently.

“I know,” Jay said, grinning, eyes still closed. 

They had rough, desperate sex in the dark and were so sweaty afterward that Mike thought he should probably get up and take a shower. He closed his eyes against Jay’s slick, fragrant back and let himself start to fall asleep like that, resigned to shower in the morning and be late for work, because in the moment it felt too impossible to let go of Jay just yet.

*


	14. Epilogue

On the last Monday in September, Mike was in an especially good mood on the way to work. It was Jay’s favorite time of the year, and he’d awakened Mike with sex as if to celebrate. They had stopped off at Starbucks, which made them a couple of minutes late, but Mike had noticed a lot less micromanagement from corporate in the past six months or so, and he figured they had no real reason to bother opening or closing the shop exactly on time. 

This proved true when they tried to unlock the front door and couldn’t. They tried Jay’s key after Mike’s wouldn’t work, but it was useless. The locks had been changed. 

They both stood there staring at the sign they’d flipped over to CLOSED when they left on Friday, as if it was going to tell them what was going on. Then they looked at each other, silent with shock, then back at the sign. 

“Um,” Jay said. “Are we fired?”

Mike heard his phone ding. Jay’s went off as if in echo, and Jay bit his lip, brows arching.

“Maybe it’s just--” Mike said, digging his phone out and unable to finish that sentence, starting to panic. A little icon told him he had a new email. He opened his inbox and cursed when he saw it was from Lightning Fast Corporate. 

The subject line was ALL STORES PERMANENTLY CLOSED EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY 

“Oh fuck,” Jay muttered, staring at his own phone, presumably at the same email.

Mike opened his and tried to focus on the words, his brain racing into panic mode so fast that slowing it down enough to read text was difficult. 

_Dear [MANAGER, STORE 016 MILWAUKEE]:_

_Effectively immediately, all Lightning Fast VCR Repair locations shall be closed as the company is preparing for dissolution and liquidation. Employees in good standing will receive two weeks severance pay. Please allow 4-6 weeks processing time for arrival of severance checks. Thank you for your loyal service to the company._

_With best regards,  
LFVCRR Corporate_

“Please allow?” were the first two words Mike managed to say, as he felt the blood drain from his face and seem to continue downward, a full-body sensation that everything he’d once believed would last forever was over leaving him in a cold kind of shock. “What if I don’t want to allow?” Mike asked, staring wide-eyed at Jay, who looked more mildly concerned, at least in comparison to Mike’s utter horror. “Fuck their please! Who do-- Who do we complain to, who do we call? What the hell are we going to do, Jay?”

“Mike.” Jay frowned and put his phone away, touched Mike’s arm. “It’s gonna be okay--”

“It’s very obviously not, Jay! Oh god, we’re both out of jobs, we’re fucked, we’re broke, this is a disaster, what the fuck, I’m so financially fucked, you don’t even know--”

“Shh, c’mere.” Jay pulled Mike by the arm, leading him away from the front door of the shop, as if being out of sight of it would help. He brought Mike over to the curb and sat down, drawing Mike down next to him, beside him. It was a clear-skied, pretty fall morning, but all Mike could see was doom and gloom, utter brimstone all around, at least until Jay tucked an arm around his back and made Mike meet his worried green eyes. “Hey,” Jay said, soft, stroking Mike’s face. “Breathe, okay? We’re gonna be all right. We’ll find new jobs.”

“But-- We-- Jay--!”

“I know. I know, but. We kinda saw this coming, right? I mean, business has been really slow, even for us. And corporate suddenly stopped being on our asses about sales and marketing or even being open at the regulated shop hours.” 

Mike closed his eyes and took that in, shaking his head. Jay was right, but Mike had let himself start believing the VCR repair shop was a constant in his life, like Jay himself, and the association between the two was probably why Mike was freaking out most, though the fact that he had huge debts to pay, no savings and now no income was also very real and terrifying. 

“I just can’t fucking believe this,” Mike said, lifting his shaking hands to stare down at his palms, bereft.

“I can,” Jay said, reaching over to take one of Mike’s hands in his, pulling it into his lap. “And it sucks, ‘cause. I guess there’s a slim chance we can ever get a job like this again, where it’s just me and you together.” He sighed and squeezed Mike’s fingers. “But thank fucking god this didn’t happen before we got together, right? ‘Cause it’s not gonna hurt the you and me thing, like. At all.”

Mike nodded glumly. He believed that, and it was a huge comfort. Nothing short of death was going to separate them, at this point. Still, death brought on by financial ruin was a real threat.

“I’m not sure you realize how poor I am,” Mike said, glancing over at Jay, ashamed. “I won’t be able to make my car payments, forget rent--”

“Mike.” Jay leaned over to kiss Mike’s cheek. “I do know. I’m not-- I notice things, uh. Even if you don’t talk about them. And, look. It’s time to give up your apartment. I’ll pay the fee to get out of your lease a month early, if you don’t have it.” 

“Jay, what-- I can’t--”

“Yes, you can, stop. Mike, please don’t freak out, there’s no need. Just breathe, okay?” Jay let go of Mike’s hand and tucked his arm around Mike’s back again, rubbing at Mike's chest with his other hand. “Don’t worry,” Jay said, leaning in close to whisper this, as if it was a secret. “I’m gonna take care of you.”

Mike pulled back to give Jay a look, boggling. Jay stared back at him, unfazed. 

“You’ll see,” Jay said, smiling. “This is what I’m good at, okay?”

“You-- What?”

“Staying calm in a crisis. Surviving upheaval. Also, uh. I’m pretty good with money, for real. We’ll have at least a couple months to look for new jobs without needing worry about, like. Buying food.” 

Mike moaned and tipped over to crumple into Jay’s lap, putting his head on Jay’s knee. Jay stroked Mike’s hair and let him have his moment. 

“Bright side is,” Jay said after a while, when Mike’s panicked breathing had mostly normalized. “Now we have the whole week off of work.”

“Jesus, Jay.”

“I’m serious! I know we don’t have a big budget for entertainment now, but I think we should treat ourselves to a movie, just for today, just to take our minds off this for a couple of hours and soften the initial blow. What do you say?”

Mike had to admit that sounded wonderful, just sinking into a different world together in the dark, inside a theater that would probably be otherwise empty, since it was Monday morning. He let Jay pull him up by the hand and cast one sad, disbelieving look back at the VCR repair shop as Jay lead him away from it, back to the car.

“Oh my god!” Mike said, freezing. “The Starbucks cups! They’re still in there!”

Jay lifted his eyebrows and then his shoulders, shaking his head.

“Mike, it’s okay,” he said. “I saved them because it would have felt wrong to throw them away, but it’s just a symbolic thing, like. They’re not sacred artifacts that are going to make you stop caring about me if some janitorial service throws them out when they clean out the shop. Right?”

“Yeah,” Mike admitted, shoulders dropping. “It’s just sad, though. All our stuff-- That place was our life, sorta. A big part of it, anyway.”

“I know. Don’t try to unpack all your feelings right away. Let’s go see a movie first. We’ll have plenty of time to process this in the next few weeks.”

“You sound like Rich,” Mike said, and he groaned when he realized this was definitely the end of his now just once monthly trips downtown for therapy appointments. “Fuck. I have to tell him he’s fired, too. No way can I afford that shit now, even with your help.”

“I think it’s time, anyway,” Jay said. “He really helped us both, but. Honestly, Mike, I kinda think you just like going to talk to him because he’s nice to you, lately.” 

“Jesus,” Mike said, slightly offended, though that was true, intuitive, and proof of just how accurately Jay could read him now that they’d been together for seven months. 

They went to see the new _Halloween_ movie, which had just come out that past weekend. It was supposedly the second to last movie ever in the series, and in the state he was currently in even this made Mike emotional. He held Jay’s hand through most of the movie and got taken off guard by a surprisingly moving scene toward the end featuring Laurie Strode, played with real nuance and emotion by Jamie Lee Curtis. Mike had to blink tears away, and he felt like an idiot, though pretty okay when Jay noticed this and pulled him close, letting Mike rub his wet face onto the shoulder of Jay’s jacket. 

“Mike,” Jay said, pressing his face to the top of Mike’s head and curling toward him, sliding his arm across Mike’s chest. They were indeed the only people in the theater, seeing a horror movie sequel that had gotten mediocre reviews at eleven o’clock in the morning on a Monday.

“I’m fine,” Mike said, his voice demonstrating that he wasn’t, but by the end of the movie, which mostly sucked but did have that one good moment, he was fine. He was also still holding Jay’s hand. 

They went home after the movie, to Jay’s apartment instead of Mike’s. Their schedule had been more flexible since Mike had started picking up bartending and trivia hosting gigs to try to make extra cash. Now it would be extremely flexible, scarily so, and there would be nothing extra about the relatively small amount of cash Mike made from those two or three nights of work. 

Jay knew what Mike needed and took him right to bed for an extended cuddle that involved napping at moments, though for the most part Mike couldn’t sleep. It was too bright in Jay’s bedroom, because he’d left the blinds open while they held each other in bed. Mike felt like protesting but also like he had no right to do so. They were on Jay’s turf, and soon would be to a more permanent degree, and Jay would hold the purse strings, and Mike would provide Jay with a big cock to ride and little else. 

He knew he was being dramatic, feeling sorry for himself, so didn’t voice any of this, just let Jay pet him and force him to drink water and eventually to eat one of Jay’s reheated chicken breasts for lunch. 

“You’re despairing,” Jay said when Mike was slumped on Jay’s sofa, his head in Jay’s lap, while Jay used his phone to search for job openings. 

“No,” Mike said, though that was accurate. “Just thinking about how much I’m gonna want a beer at the end of this shitty day, and how I can’t afford beer anymore.”

“That’s a legitimately sad thought,” Jay said, combing his fingers through Mike’s hair. “Fortunately I can afford beer, and in fact have like three or four left in my fridge.”

“That’s not the point, Jay.”

“I know, but I’m trying to make you feel better. Do you want to go ahead and tell your landlord you’re moving out? Maybe being proactive would make you feel better. But we could at least wait till tomorrow, if you want to wallow for a day. That wouldn’t be unreasonable, given the circumstances.”

Mike moaned, wishing he could muster the energy to be annoyed at how well Jay was handling this. He was too impressed by how good Jay was at comforting him to mind. 

They got drunk together that night, calling it ‘one last time’ to party like they could afford it. Mike knew it wasn’t actually going to be the last time, and was feeling better by the time he fell asleep in Jay’s bed, because of the booze and because he was wrapped around Jay, whose powerful calmness had never faltered throughout the day. 

On Tuesday morning they woke up with no shift to report to. Mike was hungover and had to admit that sleeping late and pawing at each other under the blankets was nice. Mike’s panic didn’t really return until Thursday, when some lawyer guy who Jay was friends with and possibly used to sleep with hooked Jay up with a job as a courier for a network of firms in downtown Milwaukee. Jay was also planning to start a horror film podcast with Josh’s girlfriend, who apparently had been pestering him about trying this out for months. There wouldn’t be any money in it at first, but she was hopeful that they could run ads if they found an audience. 

Mike didn’t have this kind of networking ability. He only had Tracy telling him he should start driving for Lyft, and an appointment with Rich that he couldn’t afford. He went anyway, alone, figuring he should at least tell Rich in person that he had to stop coming in because he’d lost his job. It felt like they had some kind of relationship that was almost akin to friendship, even though Mike had been paying for it in mercifully small installments. 

“What’s wrong?” Rich asked, as soon as Mike sat down across from him. 

“Lightning Fast went out of business,” Mike said, surprised how much it hurt to say so, as if the company’s failure was his own. “Me and Jay are out of jobs, uh. And I’m sorry, but I can’t keep coming in. Can’t afford this anymore, so.” 

“Ahh,” Rich said. “I’m sorry, Mike. That’s hard. We do offer leniency for patients who are going through financial hardship.”

Mike grunted and shrugged. “It’s probably time for me to quit this anyway,” he said, not wanting Rich to feel like he had to offer charity mode to him. “I mean-- What do you think? I’m cured, right?”

Rich grinned. “Cured of what?” he asked. 

“Oh god, I dunno. Feeling like I didn’t deserve anything good, or whatever. And of course now that everything in my personal life is finally going great, this shit happens.”

“How’s losing your job making you feel?”

“Like a loser with no future who’s got to depend on his boyfriend to live.” 

Mike expanded on this, with Rich’s help, for the full hour. By the time Mike had confessed that he was worried-- again, newly --about turning into his father, Rich was telling him they had to wrap it up for the day. Mike’s heart sank, because they were wrapping it up for good.

“I’d be fine with having you take advantage of our leniency policy,” Rich said when Mike stood to shake his hand and say goodbye. “I’m sure you’ll find another job soon, so it’s no trouble.” 

“I dunno,” Mike mumbled. 

“There’s another thing, too,” Rich said. “I was thinking about it during your session, wondering if it presents some kind of ethical conflict, and I don’t think it does, if I'm not going to be your therapist anymore.”

“What-- What now?”

“Jack’s wife just got some big deal promotion at her firm,” Rich said. “And he’s going to become a stay at home dad, full time. So, I’m losing my receptionist. And you’ve just lost your job. I was thinking-- Would you be interested in the position? I think you’d be a good fit when it comes to interacting with my clients.”

“I would?” 

Rich laughed. “You don’t think so?”

“No, I-- I do, I would! Oh my god that would be-- Fucking amazing, actually, are you serious?”

He was, and by Friday Mike was sitting alongside Jack at the reception desk, training for the position. It was pretty straightforward, answering the phone and calendaring appointments, and Mike would have to take a training course on patient privacy and another on processing insurance. He’d also actually have health insurance of his own, for the first time since college, and it was making him seriously reconsider marrying Jay, just for practical reasons. 

Rich was right that the job was a good fit for Mike, both for the clients and for Mike himself. Once Mike had greeted people and they’d disappeared into Rich’s office, Mike was free to do whatever he wanted on the desktop computer, and after the initial adjustment period he found himself writing screenplays for the first time in years. He’d technically had the free time and ability to do so at the VCR repair shop, too, but Jay had been there to entertain, and Mike had always wanted to talk to him more than he’d wanted to do anything else. 

Getting the job meant he’d kept his apartment until the lease was up in November, making the final rent payment and packing up throughout the month with Jay’s help. Jay was proud of him about the job, and it meant more to Mike than he wanted to admit. Mike was proud of Jay, too. The horror podcast was pretty good, and Jay had gotten himself a bike for his courier job, was in better shape than ever and clearly happy that Mike was moving in with him. 

Mike was happy, too, but once they’d packed up the last of his stuff and were preparing to leave his apartment for the final time, he started feeling kind of sad about never stepping foot in the place again. He paused in the foyer on his way out, toeing the tiles that had been part of his rules for Jay when they first start doing things properly together.

“Taking one last look?” Jay said, leaning in the doorway while Mike stood there pouting. 

“We had a lot of good times here, Jay,” Mike said.

“That’s true, we did.”

“And-- You know, just. Thinking about the shop a little bit, too. How we never got to say goodbye.”

“Yeah.” Jay put the box he was carrying down in the hallway and stepped back into the apartment, hugging his arm around Mike’s back and admiring the place one last time, too. “But, you know,” Jay said, “This place was like our training wheels. Now we’re ready for the real thing, um. Right?”

“Mhmm,” Mike said, nodding. He leaned over to kiss Jay on the temple. “We should get married,” he said when Jay smiled up at him.

Jay’s eyebrows shot up. “We should?” he said, laughing. 

“Yeah, I mean. Health insurance, Jay. It’s important.”

“Suuure,” Jay said. “Wait, are you serious?”

“I’m dead fucking serious,” Mike said, enjoying the fact that he was proposing to Jay, kind of angrily, while standing on the tiles that Jay had been instructed to strip naked upon many a time. 

Jay snorted and laughed, shook his head.

“You’re saying no?” Mike said, preparing to be devastated. 

“Not saying no,” Jay said. “Just-- Your face. I should have known you’d get mad at me while asking me to marry you.”

“I’m not mad! I’m communicating the gravity of the situation!”

Jay laughed and stood up on his toes to kiss Mike on the mouth, leaning over the box Mike was holding to do so. Mike thought he should probably put the box down, maybe dig out the lube that was inside it and fuck Jay in this apartment one last time, but he just kissed Jay back, helpless for him. 

They got married on Halloween, in the courthouse in downtown Milwaukee. Josh and his girlfriend were their witnesses, and they all went out to lunch after to celebrate. Later there would be a party at Jay’s apartment, which was now also Mike’s apartment. It would ostensibly be a Halloween party, also a partial wedding reception. In the morning, when all the guests had cleared out, Mike would put the collar on Jay and they’d celebrate privately, too. He wondered if buckling the collar around Jay’s neck would feel different now that they had marriage paperwork on file with the state, and he snuck a couple of long looks at Jay during lunch, pretty sure that the flush on Jay’s cheeks meant he knew what Mike was thinking about. 

“You guys have come a real long way,” Josh said, toasting them with one of the lunch beers they were all drinking from, as it was a special occasion. 

Mike gave Josh a warning look as he lifted his glass, but Jay was just snickering like he wasn’t bothered at all by the memory of how fucked up he and Mike had been earlier that year. 

“You have no idea,” Jay said, clicking his beer against Josh’s.

Mike grinned and rubbed Jay’s leg under the table, loving him for having said so, because it was true. Nobody knew the whole story, not even Rich. It was something that belonged only to them, even with the whole world knowing that they belonged to each other now, in one way. It was so much bigger and deeper than that, and Mike liked that he and Jay were the only ones who knew how and why. He leaned over to kiss Jay’s cheek and lifted his beer, ready to spend the rest of his life celebrating how lucky he was.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the fic's main theme song:
> 
> [Killer by Phoebe Bridgers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psZuC10Oa4E)
> 
> To anyone who made it this far, hope you enjoyed, and I'd love to hear from you if you did! Thanks for reading <3


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